I was not planning to be in a relationship like this...

[noobydoo]

I might get told I am being selfish but I feel I need some advice on how to handle things.

3 1/2 years ago DH lost his job from the city (almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with DS1). For a while afterwards I could completely understand that he did not want to go back to work and needed a break from the whole city thing.

Then 3 months after his father died (and he was left to sort out the estate which was in a mess); 9 months later DS1 was born; a few months later and I was pregnant again. It seems like since this time there has always been a reason why he has not worked - also as he constantly reminds me, he does not need to work - he worked in the city for 20 years so he could enjoy his family.

Anyway, 3 1/2 years later he has been looking to do something. He applied to be a teacher and was rejected (I am sure it was because he actually did not really try that hard). I would compare him to a teenager who is starting out in life, as he keeps on saying "I don't know what I want to do" or "there are so many things I could do".

I feel like I am being unreasonable because his lack of drive to do anything is becoming a bit irritating. Neither of us have worked for the past 3 years (although for the past year I have been doing voluntary work and have felt determined to do something on the basis that if he sees me doing something it might make him sit up and be more proactive).

I am asking for advice because I want to know if I am being unreasonable to expect him to do something else with his life? Or, should I be grateful for the fact he is a devoted father and DH?

I do feel the situation is starting to affect our relationship - mainly because of me. I find it embarrassing when people ask me what DH does for a living because I don't really know what to say.

I am happy with DH in all other areas except for this one - and I do worry it will make our relationship less happy in the long term because we spend so much time together.

Sorry for the wittier I hope it makes sense.

So no income at all?

How do you manage bills etc? What fills your sg day? What age is he?

If he is financially independent and has no need to work, what is the problem if he chooses not to take a job away from a less well off soul?

He still pays them - his pay out was pretty big and he was on a very decent salary when he left.

His day seems to constitute 1 1/2 hours with DCs first thing in morning; going to the gym; playing his trumpet; maybe one or two hours work on his financial stuff (which also brings in a reasonable income); reading his newspaper; and then cooking children's tea and our dinner. In fact I think that is a typical day.

I look after everything else to do with DCs (laundry, bit of cooking, to and from pre-school nursery etc).

He has hust turned 47.

As regards what people ask, you could always have a stock answer - he is semi-retired from the City ... or something like that.

As to what you think and what he thinks, well thats only something you can both work out together. If your children are young, its very consuming I find, and perhaps your husband is enjoying that and finds that precious? It may be that he will gradually come to something that he wants to do? Sometimes it takes a while to find out who you are, if you have the luxury of time, its time not-wasted IMO. Is it the same for you too, if you are not working? It really depends on your outlook. Is he being a slacker, or just genuinely biding his time to find out what will work out best?

Izzy - which is why I say I am not sure if the problem is me or if anyone else might find it hard if the partner chose not to work.

In a year when DS2 is t nursery I would like to maybe start a new job / career.

Are you irritated with him because he a) gets under your feet or b) doesn't help out enough or c) because you feel he ought to be the breadwinner? I'm a bit baffled to be honest, I could understand if there was no money coming in, but it seems there is, and he's pulling his weight (a bit) so what's the problem? If people ask what he does why don't you just say he's either taken early retirment or a financial consultant who works from home (both of which seem to be true?)

I presume you still have enough of the redundancy package and savings to live on, so there is no pressing financial incentive for him to go back to work? So it is a question of him needing to find something he actually wants to do?

I think it's trickier if there is nothing giving you a deadline to make a decision, but the longer he isn't doing anything, the harder it will probably be. Would he be interested in talking to a life coach or careers adviser who might be able to talk through all the things he is interested in and come up with some ideas of things he would actually be motivated to do?

Or there are a couple of books which might give him something to think about: What should I do with my life? by Po Bronson, or the recently published School of Life book, How to find fulfilling work.

Of course he has to actually want to make a change, rather than doing it because you are putting pressure on him, but I think it's inarguable that if you can find something to do which makes you feel you have a purpose in life, you will be happier and more fulfilled than if you just drift through it.

jane - not sure whether he genuinely is biding his time. When we were dating he always seemed to be a really hard worker - but then he had to be. After we got married things changed really quickly. I wonder how long it can take to find something you want to do but then I come from a very different family background to him, that is all about working for self-esteem etc and his family background is do something you love and you will be good at it. Although I think it has affected his self esteem it is not that noticeable.

It seems all his friends who were made redundant have moved on but DH still harps back to his days in the city and I wonder if he still yearns a bit for those days (even though he has accepted now that he won't be able to get back in).

Hi. I am 35, mother of 1.
I do have a degree because was a tradition in my family to go to Uni, but I never took Uni seriously because I didn't like my course and didn't want to do anything else either...but I never worked on my field (complicated reasons) and now I do work in a field that I thought I would never work before and I do just for the money and convinience. People say I am very good at my job and I do it very well but 99% of the time I don't like it and I would rather be doing something else, even though I don't know exaclty what...(I would rather be reading a book, shopping, cinema, theatre, whatever...)
Throughout my life I have felt that I have no talents, no calling and I don't know what to do and what I should do...
Because I am poor, I have to work in whatever I can. I do have to make money. If I didn't need to earn money, I wouldn't work, not because I am lazy, but because I wouldn't know what to do...
I sometimes think if I became millionaire and didn't need to work for money ever again, I would probably do voluteer workto help the less fortunate..than after few minutes I complete give up this line of thought and decide that I would just donate lots of money because I would not know what to do...or would be rubbish at doing whatever I chose...even though I am sure that I am quite intelligent and can pick up things quicly...
It is a very strange situation to be in, maybe is to do with self steem, but I do agonize, it is horrible and maybe your husband feels the same way??
I am now determined to study again, but can't decide what course to do...again...I graduated in 2002 and more than 10 years down the line I am facing the same dilema....
I can either chose one course that complements the career I am in now and have good employment chances or do something else for pure pleasure and hae no real perspective of getting a job.
I do simpathize with your husband.
Maybe he can start taking his favorite hobby more seriously and turn it into a business, since he has money, time and experience in the city, or maybe he could do a course of his interest....

I think perhaps you should not focus so much on your husbands career, but your own.

He has worked for 20 years, he is now working from home, bringing in an income. He enjoys his family, his health and his music, and some work! Sounds pretty perfect to me!

What about you?

"I look after everything else to do with DCs (laundry, bit of cooking, to and from pre-school nursery etc)."

That does not sound like much at all!

He goes to the gym, work on financial stuff, looks after his child, plays an instrument!

Whereas you do laundry and take the kids to and from nursery school.
If I were you, I would be more worried that my husband (with hobbies and income) would be bored with me (ie you) rather than worried that you spend so much time together.

You have nothing to be embarrassed over when it comes to him, be proud. He seems to have found the perfect work life balance.

Dont push him into another job, it seems you need it more than him.

By the way English is not my mother tongue so feel free to ask if i couldn't express myself properly

He is working if his financial stuff is bringing in a good income, why should he work just to keep you happy when you are fine as things are.

A bit of a) - he hates it when I do messy play with the children. Really hates it.

Also, a little of b) he has his times when he looks after the kids but refuses to do anymore unless there is illness. When we got married I always assumed I would be SAH and he would be working. I still look after the kids most of the time (except when I do my clarinet; and I take my youngest along to my voluntary work).

I think you are right quintessential, I do need to work on myself however my youngest is still at home all the time and I feel I can't commit to anything permanent until he is at least at pre-school - which is why I am also working on my music; and do voluntary work myself with a view to being a pre-school teacher / music teacher.

Why don't you get a job. And then you won't need to spend so much time together.

Can you not arrange nursery for the youngest for one day a week so you can use this day just for yourself?
You can do messy play at playgroups, sure star centres...
I hate doing messy play in my own house, even though I know it gets cleaned..

Your youngest would come to no harm by being in nursery two days per week.

I think your dissatisfactions stem more from yourself, than him, to be honest.
If you were not so much at home, and did more interesting things, it sounds your life together would be pretty perfect!

Mary - I would get a job if he would agree to look after the children a couple of days a week.

I hardly ever did messy play at home. My experience was that it took a while to set it up. Then they were interested for 10-15 minutes, then I had to spend for ever cleaning it up. Not worth it. This is what nursery is for! When the child has had enough of the messy play, they can go elsewhere, and other children can keep enjoying the mess!

But he is actually working from home, so he cant really commit to looking after the children! I know how difficult this is, I work from home, and you cant focus if you look after the kids also. I think the solution is either a nanny or nursery for both.

I think you are disappointed he is at home all the time, maybe in your head, your dream family life, he would kiss you good bye and go to work and you would deal with house and kids, and have dinner together and chat/cozy up in the sofa, ince kids are in bed?
Maybe you do need time apart, to miss each other's company, do things separetly, have more subjects to talk about?
My husband works too much in a shit job that pays him minimum, we are always looking forward for when he is at home with us, even if we don't do anything special, we are happy when he is sleeping in the bedroom and we know he is at home at least...
Maybe the togetherness in your home is too intense?

I know my youngest would come to no harm from being in nursery a couple of days a week, and this comment is not meant to disrespect anyone who sends their children to nursery, but I don't want to put my youngest into nursery until he is ready for preschool.

Also, any job I could get would not even pay for nursery fees (the job I had before, whilst alright was not particularly well paid).

This is your issue, he isnt doing anything wrong.

Wow, Nooby, I wish I had your problem!

Really, this can be changed by the way you think of it. He isn't a failure - he is a SUCCESS! Well done him. If he can still bring in a goodish income from his financial dealings (what do you think he is doing when he is doing all that research? Not working?!) you are very very very lucky that you are married to someone who has managed to step off the rat race.

My city H works crazy hours, lives on a plane, met the teachers who have taught his son for the last 5 years for the first time at DS leaving day ceremony, and developed a 2 year relationship with fucked one of his co-workers.

So the other end of the spectrum really - his entire identity is through work. Your H on the other hand, has a life IMO (as long as he stays in touch w his friends and family). I would far, far rather have your husband - any time you want to swap, it could be arranged

But he is actually working from home, so he cant really commit to looking after the children!

He has time for the gym the papers, his hobby etc, so hardly full time. The OP is asking for 2 days a week, all that would take is a rejigging of his hours. She said that he does his hour and a half a day and refuses to do anymore.

I dont think this is so much about him not getting a job but about him scheduling his time and to hell with everyone else. He sounds quite selfish actually.