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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I was not planning to be in a relationship like this...

96 replies

noobydoo · 05/06/2012 23:57

I might get told I am being selfish but I feel I need some advice on how to handle things.

3 1/2 years ago DH lost his job from the city (almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with DS1). For a while afterwards I could completely understand that he did not want to go back to work and needed a break from the whole city thing.

Then 3 months after his father died (and he was left to sort out the estate which was in a mess); 9 months later DS1 was born; a few months later and I was pregnant again. It seems like since this time there has always been a reason why he has not worked - also as he constantly reminds me, he does not need to work - he worked in the city for 20 years so he could enjoy his family.

Anyway, 3 1/2 years later he has been looking to do something. He applied to be a teacher and was rejected (I am sure it was because he actually did not really try that hard). I would compare him to a teenager who is starting out in life, as he keeps on saying "I don't know what I want to do" or "there are so many things I could do".

I feel like I am being unreasonable because his lack of drive to do anything is becoming a bit irritating. Neither of us have worked for the past 3 years (although for the past year I have been doing voluntary work and have felt determined to do something on the basis that if he sees me doing something it might make him sit up and be more proactive).

I am asking for advice because I want to know if I am being unreasonable to expect him to do something else with his life? Or, should I be grateful for the fact he is a devoted father and DH?

I do feel the situation is starting to affect our relationship - mainly because of me. I find it embarrassing when people ask me what DH does for a living because I don't really know what to say.

I am happy with DH in all other areas except for this one - and I do worry it will make our relationship less happy in the long term because we spend so much time together.

Sorry for the wittier I hope it makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 00:43

complex - I think the togetherness is quite intense (Which is why I always try to take the children out - I find it really hard to be at home when he is there).

I think you are right. Now I have read people's comments I do feel reassured by other people's comments.

Although, I think a couple of posters may actually have missed the point that at the moment I am trying to build a new skill base and I don't want to mess that up by taking a job which would detract from that.

OP posts:

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 00:44

complex - I think the togetherness is quite intense (Which is why I always try to take the children out - I find it really hard to be at home when he is there).

I think you are right. Now I have read people's comments I do feel reassured by other people's comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 00:45

bogyeface - he does do also do one morning a week.

OP posts:

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 00:46

I dont think he is selfish, the OP wants a job, they clearly dont need, the OP doesnt want the children in childcare, the DH is happy, he is sending time with DCs, cooking for the family, providing, whats he doing wrong?

Abitwobblynow · 06/06/2012 00:47

PS you developing your training and career is a very good idea - that is what I am doing. It was a mistake for me to be SAHM and enable his life without once thinking, as you are, 'what about me?'

That is IMO a very healthy urge you have going there, and you go, girl. Put the DC in nursery if he won't do it, and let us know how you do!

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 00:49

Well, refusing to compromise what he wants to meet his wife in the middle for a start!

It doesnt matter whether they need to money or not, his wife wants a job and wouldnt earn enough to pay childcare. As the SAHP it is therefore his place to do the childcare. If a woman came on here refusing to do childcare so her DH could work, regardless of need, because she wanted to read the papers and go to the gym she would be roasted!

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 00:50

I think mostly you are right. It is my problem. Part of it is a confidence issue because I did have romantic visions of being a SAHM.

OP posts:

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 00:51

He is not a SAHP, he is a WAHP, and there is a huge difference in the 2, in addition, it appears the OP does not value the work he does, and finds his lack of a "proper" job embaressing, a bloke posting the same thoughts would indeed get a roasting.

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 00:55

"one or maybe 2 hours on financial stuff"

That i am sure he could rearrange into 2 or 3 days a week, allowing her to work 2 days. But he doesnt want to, so end of dicussion. That IS selfish.

And as I said, if a woman refused to compromise in this situation then she would have no end of shit thrown at her! But no, he is a man so god forbid he should change his plans!

I am a WAHP too, I work a hell of alot more hours than he does and I manage more childcare than he does too. He just doesnt want to do it and i fail to see how that is reasonable.

A partnership is about working together and meeting in the middle but it seems that the only one compromising here is the OP!

complexo · 06/06/2012 00:55

Time goes very quicly noobydoo, remember that. Once your youngest is at school you will finally be able to concentrate on yourself. Meanwhile keep focusing and planing and practicing. I think you do your volunteer work with kids? that is good for the career you want to follow. You know sure start centres offer a range of courses for mums and kids stay in their creche, it is usually one morning a week. Maybe you can do them just to get out of the house and get to know more people in your community, do something different...they have courses like for example: SFSC, Art and Crafts for adults, knitting, Cooking on a budget (not that I think you need this one in particular)...just giving you activities ideas out of the house...and at a sure start creche you dc will do shitloads of messy play too.

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 00:56

Thanks abitwobbly I am doing what I can around the arrangement that we have and I am getting there. If I had my way I might do a bit more but I do also want to spend some time with DS2 on his own (poor thing had to spend the first year of his life competing with DS1 - only 16 months between them).

Bogeyface - I do sometimes feel a bit resentful when he talks about going to the gym but he does also do the 6 am shift which I would absolutely hate.

OP posts:

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 00:58

if he is successfully dabbling in the stock market, I dount he could compress his hours into 2/3 days, that sort of way to make money needs daily checks.

Im sorry, I dont see where the hardship for the OP is coming from.

There would be uproar if a man was insisting his wife do childcare because her work wasnt important enough.

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 00:59

You are right complex - I volunteer with pre-schoolers which is why can take Ds2 with me. I love it (I would have a dozen children if I could).

Thanks for all your advice. I should be able to go to sleep well now.

OP posts:

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 00:59

If he got a job next week would you re-arrange your life around it?

If you got a job next week, would he?

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 00:59

Thing is Bogey, he doesnt need to work more hours, its not his fault you do.

OP Im sorry but you seem to want it every which way. DS is in school in a year or 2, cant this wait?

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 01:00

ITs not about hardship for the OP, its about her wants not being considered as important as his FFS!

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 01:01

I am merely pointing out that it is very doable to work 2 hours a day AND do a reasonable amount of childcare. If I, and many many others, can do it then I fail to see why this man cant.

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 01:01

I am missing something, why should he??? He seems to have it right to me, plus the OP doesnt want a job, she wants to be at home with the children.

I admire the DH, he is having them everyday at 6?, working and earning enough in a few hours, cooking tea, he doesnt sound like a bad man to me.

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 01:02

He is, he is up at 6 am every morning with them, OP is clear he is having them one morning, the one goes to voluntary work with OP and the other is in nursery.

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 01:05

I would get a job if he would agree to look after the children a couple of days a week.

Yes, you are missing this ^^^^ from the OP earlier in the thread. He wont, therefore she cant.

A man who does the morning shift and one morning a week is not a fucking God! Its what most mothers do every day.

complexo · 06/06/2012 01:05

OP wanted to be a sahm and her husband is responsible for income. I think that is their agreement and now OP is kind of changing her mind...I am sure that slowly things will fall into place. I don't see either of them doing nothing wrong...hey OP maybe you should go to the gym too?
Lucky people in my point of view.

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 01:06

Right you think this is about him disregarding the OPs needs do you

on the basis that if he sees me doing something it might make him sit up and be more proactive

why, they dont need the money should he being working in a way the OP wants him to

should I be grateful for the fact he is a devoted father and DH?
Um is this about him not meeting the OPs needs?? didnt think so

I do feel the situation is starting to affect our relationship - mainly because of me. I find it embarrassing when people ask me what DH does for a living because I don't really know what to say.

Is this about the OPs needs, or about her wanting DH to "look right".

The OP wants to find a way to make her DH fit into her cosy picture of how she planned her life.

Original poster

noobydoo · 06/06/2012 01:08

sovery - I don't want it every which way. I just wanted to know genuinely whether other women would find it irritating if their husbands were around the house most of the day; and whether I was being unreasonable for thinking he should do something a bit more full-time (because everyone goes on about work and self-esteem don't they).

bogey - if he was offered a job tomorrow that he really wanted to do I would support him 100%; likewise if I found a job tomorrow I was really passionate about he would support me - I know he would not support me though if I went back to secretarial work because he would know I was doing it to prove a point rather than because I wanted to. I also don't feel hard done by. I know I am in a really fortunate position to be able to have, what I consider to be a proper hobby and a bit of time to myself.

OP posts:

soveryhard · 06/06/2012 01:08

Thats right, it is what most mothers do everyday, but the mother isnt the DH is pulling his weight and doing it, you seem determined to make him out to be something he isnt.

bogeyface · 06/06/2012 01:09

If you are happy then great, you just need to make sure that you have a job title to describe him with.

I personally would find his attitude selfish but thats me. If you are happy then thats all that matters.

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