I was not planning to be in a relationship like this...

[noobydoo]

I might get told I am being selfish but I feel I need some advice on how to handle things.

3 1/2 years ago DH lost his job from the city (almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with DS1). For a while afterwards I could completely understand that he did not want to go back to work and needed a break from the whole city thing.

Then 3 months after his father died (and he was left to sort out the estate which was in a mess); 9 months later DS1 was born; a few months later and I was pregnant again. It seems like since this time there has always been a reason why he has not worked - also as he constantly reminds me, he does not need to work - he worked in the city for 20 years so he could enjoy his family.

Anyway, 3 1/2 years later he has been looking to do something. He applied to be a teacher and was rejected (I am sure it was because he actually did not really try that hard). I would compare him to a teenager who is starting out in life, as he keeps on saying "I don't know what I want to do" or "there are so many things I could do".

I feel like I am being unreasonable because his lack of drive to do anything is becoming a bit irritating. Neither of us have worked for the past 3 years (although for the past year I have been doing voluntary work and have felt determined to do something on the basis that if he sees me doing something it might make him sit up and be more proactive).

I am asking for advice because I want to know if I am being unreasonable to expect him to do something else with his life? Or, should I be grateful for the fact he is a devoted father and DH?

I do feel the situation is starting to affect our relationship - mainly because of me. I find it embarrassing when people ask me what DH does for a living because I don't really know what to say.

I am happy with DH in all other areas except for this one - and I do worry it will make our relationship less happy in the long term because we spend so much time together.

Sorry for the wittier I hope it makes sense.

I am not at all jealous but I am that anyone can defend him refusing to do anything more to support his wife trying to get herself a new career!

How is that in anyway justified?!

She said upthread that she would get a job but he refuses to do anymore childcare. I suspect that it isnt his lack of work that bothers her but his doing bugger all, either out or in the home!

He isn't refusing to support her - she wants everything her way - she doesn't want them in childcare.

And frankly - with no qualifications - what job?

He can't be that bad as she is taking the right steps doing voluntary work etc - plus she drip fed that - real feelings are in the OP

There have been many threads on here where working mums talk about "giving your children a good role model" as the reason for going out to work. I am therefore very surprised to see almost 100% of posts supporting the OP's husband.

OP, I think your husband is doing brilliantly. He is not a lazy man. He worked hard for 20 years and has seen the fruit of his labour. Has a nice hobby. He is enjoying his family. Good on him. He is a keeper, look after him.

But, he is so young! I do think that for his long term happiness, he probably needs to find a project or something that reignites his mojo. Maybe get more seriously into his music? I don't know. I just think I couldn't just "be" for ever without something to look forward to.

I've only read some of this as it is so long, but I can kind of understand why you find it upsetting to be with someone who seems to have no purpose. I mean no ambition, not excited by anything, not trying to change things, to contribute to the world, to make something of himself.

In my own life I need very much to be inspired or excited about something. It's what makes me tick...it might not be paid work at the moment, but it's what I do, whether it's painting, or fairly serious DIY or whatever. I have to have something to do.

most stuff I do is like what your DH does - it doesn't really involve or affect other people. So maybe it's useless. But he sounds like he needs to hide away from the world.

Do you think he might be depressed? He sounds a bit listless. Depression can be a horrid thing to live with. Clearly he doesn't need to work for money etc but if his social and work-related world has also collapsed with his retirement, that would be an issue.

I can't bear to think of DP retiring, which he will in several years, because work is all he has got. He doesn't even have any hobbies.
In fact I can barely stand being with him full stop at the moment, because he is emotionally intense and very demanding and keeps saying he loves me all the time, in fact we had an argument and I told him to stop it as I couldn't stand his entire world consisting of me.

He hasn't any friends either. I just thank God he doesn't live with us.

So I understand how you might feel though our situations are very different. I just want mine to get a hobby, make some proper friends, and forget about me from time to time because I cannot support his entire emotional universe singlehandedly.

what's with addressing the OP, some of you, as though she isn't here? re 'she'

As you say in your thread title, this isn't what you signed up for. If he isn't depressed (or there isn't a legit reason why he is hanging around on your patch ie where you do your job), and it sounds like he hasn't consulted you about what he's doing, has just pleased himself, then that isn't the deal you signed up for.

These men people who have earned a lot of money can tend to think they own the place. Fair enough, understandable, but he doesn't own your life, or the landscape of your life. You've a job to do and he's in the way from what you say. This isn't what you want (or what you signed up for) - has he talked to you about it? If not, you may have to have that convo re no, as it happens, I don't want you at home all day; please find something to do away from the home.

Sorry Springy, are you suggesting he somehow doesn't have a right to be in his own home?

Sounds like you wanted to marry a certain lifestyle rather than falling in love with a man :-(

I came on here to sort out my attitude because I know my attitude is wrong. It has been useful seeing people say things that maybe I did not want to hear but I did need to hear them. I am really happy with him.

I actually feel I misrepresented DH a bit. He is a really good husband - supportive in every way and I know he loves me. I don't like these posters that say he should be doing more because quite frankly it is not about how much he does at home, I am happy with what he does and so is he. When I think of our situation I do feel most mothers have it much worse than I do.

When I had children I knew I wanted to be a SAH and he knew that too - I am happy with the amount I do and with the amount he does. I still want to be a SAH.

A few of the earlier posters really made an effort to understand the situation (bogeyface and soveryhard - thank you), but I feel some of the later posters have missed the point.

bollocks re madeindevon's point (imo).

I am suggesting that the home is your workplace OP and he is hanging around in it - without clearing it with you by the sound of it. This last point is key: did you have a discussion? Did he map out what he wanted to do, how long he would do it (or not do it) for? It doesn't sound like that discussion has taken place.

re hanging around in someone's workspace: how would it be if someone hung around in our office, dithering about, popping in and out? You can't get on with the job if someone does that and imo this situation is no different to that. Yes it's his home but for the timebeing (ie during the day) it is also a 'workplace' in effect. You assumed your job would be bringing up the kids (SAHM) for a few years and he is in your space; not actually sharing the job with you (not really) but getting in your way.

ah sorry, took ages to post (distractions)

imo what you signed up for has not happened. I know of a man who married a woman who was a high flier. He sold antique books and generally did the bulk of the childcare. Unfortunately, the wife developed a debilitating illness and fell off her high-flying perch. The family dynamic changed dramatically... and the husband struggled to cope. A lot of people said 'what a shit!' about his struggle but imo that is not what he signed up for and the adjustment was very hard. yy it was hard for the wife (of course!) but it was also hard for him. HIs wife was no longer the woman he married and that took some adjustment.

whether or not other people would welcome your situation OP it makes no difference to how you feel about it. People are saying you are 'lucky' when you don't feel lucky because it isn't what you want, or wanted. Fair enough, you are entitled to that without being beaten over the head by the PC brigade

iiw in your situation I would seriously want my husband to bugger off during the day. I may love him to bits but when I'm doing my job I don't want him hanging around acting like he's retired, while I've got a job to do and we aren't doing it together.

Thanks OP

As for the family home being a SAHM workplace in the day - I've heard some bollix in my time!!!

Glad you found our argument helpful OP :o

my absurdity, or my argument's 'absurdity' (iyo). two different things I think.

Of course springydaffs, sorry I didn't express that right :). I get a bit heated during debates, and this is quite a good one!

maybe one or two hours work on his financial stuff (which also brings in a reasonable income)

So he does work. You just don't like the job he does. What is the point in him going out to do another job, possibly losing money if he is successful on the financial markets, if he doesn't want to? The City is hard work, stressful and the commuting a nightmare, and many see it as a young person's game. My uncle did it and "retired" at 35 after making enough money to live comfortably on for the rest of his life and continued making money on the markets from home. He and his wife loved spending time together and travelled the world.

Don't you enjoy spending time with your husband, or appreciate that he might enjoy being at home?

If it bothers you, then you could get a job surely, as the childcare issue is hardly unsurmounatable (and for many mothers is a necessity)?

I agree you DH needs an interest or hobby, perhaps there is one you could share?

geegee, the DH refuses to do more childcare, that is part of the problem as the OP couldnt earn enough to cover the fees!

Victorian gentlemen used to spend a few hours in their study each day, "making money". That's what your DH is doing, nooby, plus a fair amount of domestic stuff which your Victorian wouldn't have done. It sounds pretty good to me, as long as neither of you are desperately bored. Even if you are, without a burning need for more money you're in the ideal position of being able to choose your work according to your interests and values.

I really wouldn't worry about what to tell the neighbours! He's an investor, right? And a musician? Anything else? Take your pick

As you're comfortably off, you could probably afford to hire in help for the aspects of family maintenance that piss you both off; have you considered it?

I think that, as soon as you've settled into appreciating your good fortune, other bits will fall into place. For instance, he could go somewhere / do something else while you do messy play.

It all looks good to me :)

Wtf? How can you compare a man who works from home hanging round a sahms 'work place' to someone hanging around an office. The difference is that it is their home. If he worked out of the home and she hing around his office, but didn't work then yes that would be weird. But its as though some people feel the house is the shams home and not shared. its the weirdest thing I have ever heard.

op I am genuinely confused. You want to be a sham, which you. You are happy with the childcare he does and what he does around the house. I am honestly struggling to see the issue. Is it simply that you feel he should have a job title and work outside the home? Like a 'traditional' family set up. By that I mean dh goes to work, sham looks after house. I really don't see what the issue is.
If you go back to work, you will no longer be a sahm and he won't get the time he needs to bring the money in. Do you want to work? Ot is just that he is home so you feel you should?

I would love to have OP's problems, OP let's do a wife swap for 1 week so maybe you can realize how lucky you are!