I was not planning to be in a relationship like this...

[noobydoo]

I might get told I am being selfish but I feel I need some advice on how to handle things.

3 1/2 years ago DH lost his job from the city (almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with DS1). For a while afterwards I could completely understand that he did not want to go back to work and needed a break from the whole city thing.

Then 3 months after his father died (and he was left to sort out the estate which was in a mess); 9 months later DS1 was born; a few months later and I was pregnant again. It seems like since this time there has always been a reason why he has not worked - also as he constantly reminds me, he does not need to work - he worked in the city for 20 years so he could enjoy his family.

Anyway, 3 1/2 years later he has been looking to do something. He applied to be a teacher and was rejected (I am sure it was because he actually did not really try that hard). I would compare him to a teenager who is starting out in life, as he keeps on saying "I don't know what I want to do" or "there are so many things I could do".

I feel like I am being unreasonable because his lack of drive to do anything is becoming a bit irritating. Neither of us have worked for the past 3 years (although for the past year I have been doing voluntary work and have felt determined to do something on the basis that if he sees me doing something it might make him sit up and be more proactive).

I am asking for advice because I want to know if I am being unreasonable to expect him to do something else with his life? Or, should I be grateful for the fact he is a devoted father and DH?

I do feel the situation is starting to affect our relationship - mainly because of me. I find it embarrassing when people ask me what DH does for a living because I don't really know what to say.

I am happy with DH in all other areas except for this one - and I do worry it will make our relationship less happy in the long term because we spend so much time together.

Sorry for the wittier I hope it makes sense.

Yes I would find it irritating, to ans your question, but would I try to force him to work in a "normal job" if we could afford him not to, no.

Would I try to find a job to prove a point, no.

But realistically if he is working from home he cannot probably do childcare at the same time. Maybe as somebody else suggested, nursery for two days might be worth looking into but I notice that you don't want nursery at the moment.

Try and work out what exactly is it that you want. I do agree up to a point with the person who said this is your issue for you to work out what you want to do with your days. Maybe some compromise has to be reached between what you both want.

I am confused. You dreamt of being a sahm, which you are. I don't get why you would want him to work more and out of the house if he doesn't have to. My dh owns a business, he is out most evenings. On his nights off he still goes and lock up. If he could earn decent money in a couple of hours a day. I would love it. I work full time and he has the kids in the day. We have decided this is too much pressure on us and I am planning on leaving work in the next year and setting up a business that will only take up a few hours a day. If dh said he would feel embarrassed because i didn't have a proper job title. I would be pretty losses off tbh.

Oopps pretty PISSED off.

Why should he get a job? He has already done his bit bringing money into the family home. Now he realises life is short and wants to do somthing different with his time.

Not sure why this bothers you.

As others have said, you can get a job if you think it's so important. You are just making excuses (voluntary work, childcare) why you can't.

Did you have some (sexist) image of the perfect life as you sat at home baking while your husband went off to work everyday to earn lots of money? The 1950s were a long time ago, you know.

I can see what you mean op. I'd feel irritated with your dh too.
Not because he doesn't have a job title bug because he doesn't seem to want to be very involved with family life.
It's great that he earns enough to support you all in 2 hours a day but not good at all that the rest of the day he does his own hobbies all the time and wouldn't consider anything else!
The fact that he earns the money doesn't mean he is more important than you (who is looking after the children and the house!!)
You are full time mum to young children, you do absolutely everything around the house except cook dinner and he spends his day reading the paper and going to the gym!! Not only that but he gets cross if you actually do craft activities with the kids as he doesn't like it so you feel under pressure to take the children out most of the day so he can read his papers in peace.
You'd like a job but he would refuse to spend any more of his time with the children to accommodate it.
I'd be unhappy too tbh.
He has his work time, his hobby time snd he does his 'duty' hour with the dcs in the morning plus the cooking, while you do all the chores and all the stuff with the dcs. When is family time??
How about making time in the day to all go swimming together? Go for a walk on a nice day to feed the ducks and get an ice cream? What would he say if you suggested that instead of the gym one day?
If it's just become a habit that you do things so sepestely then this could be a way to be happier with him around so much if he joins in more but if he really wouldn't want to do more family stuff then I have to say it would really annoy me him being around so much but not joining in fully with family life!

I am sure the op has said he does have the kids at least some of everyday and she also has a hobby.
For what its worth I don't like messy play either. Lot of effort and the kids get bored quickly. Messy play it different to crafting imo.

Op does not want a job. She wants him to rejoin the ratrace, so that she can be a sahm without him around!

Either that, or for him to look after the children full time, so she can work without paying for childcare.

Q indeed

But I thought he did want to find a new job? OP says "three and a half years later he has been looking to do something", and "he keeps on saying "I don't know what I want to do" or "there are so many things I could do". If he is happy not working much, and supports the OP in retraining for a new career, then fine.

But if he's feeling restless and purposeless, which would be understandable after years in a full-on career, then yes, the OP should be encouraging him to find something else worthwhile to do.

He seems perfectly happy with going to the gym, playing an instrument, looking after his children, and at the same time providing his family with a decent income.

Why should he go out and find a full time job out of the house if he is happy the way he is (which it seems to me that he is) just because his wife is trying to push him out of the home because she does not want him around cramping her "sahm style" ?

This is quite funny, as the OP doesn't have an out of the home job, but very much feels her husband needs one, for not very specific reasons (self-esteem?) Do these reasons not apply to you?!

OP, just like you like staying home, your husband does too. Plus he is working, at least part-time. He is very fortunate to have got out at this time in his life with enough money to have a second career if he wants one, or perhaps not if he doesn't. I would put your youngest in nursery if he doens't want to do more childcare, and get out there yourself.

I think the problem is that he isn't the driven, hardworking working, sharp suited man you married. He's changed form, somewhat.

People change, and in a marriage we have to understand and accommodate that. Basically he's retired, or semi-retired. I bet his friends are I know a couple of men who have taken this path. Weirdly, it seemed to irritate both their wives as well.

He has worked hard for a large part of his life, you are provided for, so I think you should go with his flow. If you want to work, great, it you want to spend time with your DC while they are small, be happy you don't have to work.

Hmmm. I am in a very similar situation to you. I am a SAHM with a small (and unfortunately financially insignificant) business and my husband works in the City (coincidentally also was unemployed for 18 months and is still trying to get back to the level he was on before the credit crunch? but I have a feeling that the banking job market is pretty dire).

Also, I don?t see it so much as ?he chooses not to work? but more as a he is retiring. I think that is what most of these guys (want or have to) do once they are approaching 50 so it might be what your DH is doing now? (my h says that ?older guys? are not working on trading floors etc. and worries about his prospects in a few short years). I think they have to move up to managerial positions (or such) or ship out? that?s also why bankers may earn loads but their life span is short. That?s how my h explains it at least, and stresses.

I also presume that these guys are not that keen to work for a lower wage than they are used to. So unless it is a real passion for him (like music for your DH maybe) he wouldn?t tolerate a (in his eyes) low wage? might explain the lack of drive?

I think you should be grateful that he is a devoted father and give him more tasks around the house while you further (or start) your career. And I think he deserves to chill a bit (I presume he must?ve been highly strung for the past 20 years), so he may not bring home big bucks anymore, but still an income. Might do your relationship a lot of good too, since you will be on a more equal footing.

So to answer your question.. I think it is reasonable for a banker to retire early. I think that was part of his life plan and most of them think that way. And to say that your DH is a retired banker won?t make anyone think ?oh.. the lazy sod? (to answer your work and self-esteem question).

Are there other issues for you that you want him to keep working full time?

Is it that deep down you can't respect a man who isn't hard-working, given the upbringing you describe? You feel a lack of respect for him, so when people ask what he does, instead of saying, 'he used to work in the city, now he's semi-retired, lucky sod!', you're embarrassed.

If you can sort out your own attitude, I think in the long term it could work out fine - when you feel able to leave the children with him or a preschool, you can find a career for yourself that gives you self-respect. Then he can either stay living the easy life, or eventually get back into the world of full-time work.

he does work - he keeps his investments ticking over, providing an income.

he should not have to get a job.

i think you need to change things around the house so that they suit you more. not doing messy play with the kids because he doesn't like it is just tough. he should let you get on with it - he could go out while you get on with it.

i think you need to get more involved in your long term plans and ask him to step up with childcare to enable you.

you need to sit down and have a really good talk.

Crap. He does 1.5 hrs childcare a day, 1.5hrs work and cooks the tea and she does everything else, and some posters thing thats equal division of roles??

Yes op it would get in my nerves, the apathy , the being in the home all day and lack of equality, plus him preventing you from following yr dreams when he could help if he wanted

stop doing his laundry

Could he play the trumpet in a band? That would give you time apart while they practised & played gigs/concerts, it would give him a focus, when people asked, you could say he's a musician.

I'm quite envious tbh, DH lost his job last autumn & the only job he could get by Feb was in Dubai. I've seen him 3 times since.

I don't think it's at all unusual to not want your man around your feet all day. I remember my mum went through hell when my dad retired - absolutely drove her up the wall that she never got a break from him.

It also sounds like he's swanning about doing his own thing... whereas you're still working, albeit unpaid. yy he 'helps out' a bit... but it's like having a guest in the house the entire time. He doesn't like messy play you say? He sounds like a PITA.

You've got a job to do and he's in the way and not really pulling his weight from what you say. You've been very patient imo - how many years is it now that you've put up with this?

personally, I'd tell him to get off his arse and get a job (voluntary if necessary) and stop swanning about

giraffe I was told earlier on the thread that he cant do more as he is a WAHP and does his share

And as I said then, if a woman did that and said that she wasnt doing anymore childcare or housework she would get flamed, and rightly so!

Why the hell should gender a job he doesn't need - just to suit the OPs sense of society norm??

If the OP wants him to do more about the house - then she should tell him, but thats a red herring - she just wants him to be like everyone else.

I think you are very lucky.I had four months at home with just me dh and dd1 a few years back it was fantastic.This wouldnt irritate me at all.It would be a dream come true.Enjoy how lucky you ate

springydaffs: "It also sounds like he's swanning about doing his own thing... whereas you're still working, albeit unpaid. yy he 'helps out' a bit... but it's like having a guest in the house the entire time."

Excuse me??? It is HIS house too, why the hell shouldn't he have the right to live in his own house and spend as much time there as he feels like? Bloody hell, I can't believe the number of posters that agree that "having the man at home all the time is a PITA"... I would like to hear THEIR opinion about you women being at home (and apparently nagging at them) all day long.

The sense of entitlement and arrogance is flabbergasting :(

I agree - he worked bloody hard for years, even in retirement he is providing a steady income - and I still maintain that if he is successfully doing that by dabbling a few hours a day in the financial markets it would-be hard to compress.

The op has described him as an adoring and loving father.

He has a hobby.

But he must get a job - that he doesn't need - because the OP said so.

And Bogey - frankly you sound simply jealous that he can achieve this in a few hours a day.

If a man was demanding his wife go to work - for no apparent reason - there would be uproar.

This thread is appalling.

I hope he never finds out how little his wife thinks of his achievements and contributions to hhe family - because the OP may have a whole new set of problems if he does.