Am I being unreasonable about DP who hasn't come home yet

[Goldenbear]

As title suggests, my DP hasn't come home yet and we're meant to be going to my mums which is 4 hrs away. My DS (5) is asking when we are going as he thought, as did I it would be first thing.

To give a bit of context we fell out yesterday morning as my DD 14 months fell over a bag in the hallway next to the front door. DP said it was no surprise as the place is a slum. I'm a SAHM this was aimed at me. We live in a 2 bedroom flat so bags for school by the front door is not totally left field as a place to leave them as there is not much room. He then remarked on the washing up not being done. The night before I had been up 5 times within an hour with DD then she got up at 5.30. My dS has been off Ill aswell so he has been screaming out in the night I think because of the high temperature. Needless to say my DD does not sleep through, my DS (nearly 5) is also a bad sleeper despite all my efforts. I'm absolutely fucking shattered! So we fell out over this and he went to work.

I knew he was going to have a few drinks after work for his friend's 30th. Money is tight but it always is with DP so I'm constantly reminded of this and therefore DP adamant just a few drinks and as I said up post we're going to my mum's which is 4 hours away so he knew we were setting off this morning.

It got to 1.20 and I hadn't heard anything so I texted him, he replied that he was very drunk, that he had gone back to friend's house for some much needed time with friends! He then texted that he might aswell stay at his friend's house for the night and I should pick him up on the way to my mum's.

I am peed off because if I hadn't contacted him he wouldn't have bothered. I have to get the car packed up with luggage and baby stuff as staying a week. We live on the first floor without a lift so I will have to get DS to guard DD in the cot whilst I do this. I have to try and shower with DD in high chair in the bathroom. If I pick up DP on the way he is going to stink of alcohol. I am miffed because this is all much harder than it needs to be and I can't even get through to DP to pick him up anyway!

He doesn't go out much and says he doesn't stop me but I have only been out once this year from 8 after the kids are in bed until about 11.30. Also, there is always talk of how little money we have so feel my freedom to do so is limited anyway. He also often goes for drinks after work on Friday. Fair enough but obviously it's just assumed I'll be in to take care of the children.

Am I being a bit ungenerous about this, honestly want opinions.

He sounds like a prick. Go without him. You will enjoy it much more i promise.

he's being a complete arsehole - text him back and tellhim yiou need him to come home and care for his children!!! Jesus, we'd all like to go out on the piss and stay at a friends while the other person does all the work!!!!

If you just pick him up on the way who will pack your dp's clothes?

I'd get in the car with the children.

No, he's being a twit.

Staying out, getting hammered etc is basically shirking his responsibility to be in a fit state to look after his children. Fine, if it is agreed with you in advance, not otherwise.

Not just the children but manage everything else too like packing the car etc.

I wouldn't bother picking him up. I'd just leave ad when he calls, just say you're tired of his not helping and perhaps some time apart this weekend would do him some good.

He can't just bail out of responsibilities like helping around the house especially at weekends because he thinks he works in a day job. Your job is 7 days.

If you do pick him up, then you can expect more occasions where he skips off out for the night and doesn't help you.

Sod that.

Yes I think that is the only option. He's not even answering his phone. My DS has been up since 6 asking when we're going, whete's Daddy etc.

No he's taking the p*ss. Go without him. It's bloody hard work looking after non sleeping sick children - he should be helping you out not moaning about housework and staying out all night.

Is this a one off or is he usually this selfish?

He's being really rude- is he unable to help with housework? I suspect not. You're a stay at home mum, not a live in maid. I would be so upset of this was me so yaNbu x

Just go. Why should your children be inconvenienced because their dad thought this was a reasonable way to behave?

Stop. Breathe. You do not need to defend where you put your children's school bags.

He is a shit who:

• puts you down (insults your home-making and parenting skills)
• doesn't help out (you were up 5 times last nigh - how often was he?)
• is selfish and entitled (you are taking care of the home, children 24h/day, and he "needs" to go out drinking all night)
• is now punishing you (he knows you have somewhere to be today, and that you will be worrying about it now)

You sound like you don't really know which way is up right now, so this may all sound extreme to you. To me, your entire OP reads as being on the defensive; it sounds like you believe everything he tells you about his entitlement and your supposed crapness, and are working with those assumptions as reality. I hope you will soon be able to take a step back and realise just how unpleasant and unreasonable your P is being to you.

You deserve so much better.

I mean 'where's Daddy'.

I'm sad for the children, sad generally which makes me feel pretty weak.

Oh dear, how hard for you this morning! You have my sympathy. Maybe you could use this incident as an opportunity to lay down some ground rules about your relationship, and to talk through what is assumed. (Don't try and do it yhis mirning though.) For now, how about phoning him and getting him to come home before you head off? It'd make you late, but it'd be easier than you trying to do everything with the dc, and it'd kind of force him to take some responsibility.

Go go go! Your kids will have a great time with their gran, and you can show that wanker that you are not dependent on him. Make sure you leave some stuff all over the floor for him to trip over when he drags his sorry arse home.

Definitely go without him. I wouldn't say ANYTHING to him at all - he can explain to your parents himself why he wasn't there. Just go, try to enjoy your time away as much as possible and let me find out for himself how it feels not to be contacted or his whereabouts cared for. It's a stressful time when kids are sick, but it doesn't sound like a joint effort. He needs to grow up, big time.

I don't think this guy's gonna answer his phone until he's good and ready. It's probably on silent. And when he does come home I imagine he's going to be too hungover to be of any use whatsoever.

let him, not let me!

Holo, he's not answering the phone!

I'd just leave a message of the sort: you know where to find us.
Your decision to join us as a family or not.

What hotDAMN said. Every single word

Yeah, I saw that after I posted - takes forever to post on iPhone! Hope you're doing okay, Goldenbear!

Don't contact him. Pack and go. Concentrate on your DC.

I know you're probably paralysed by all the questions of 'how will he react/he will be angry/must protect kids from his anger/ must try and make it right for kids/what will kids think/what will my mum think/what if he is so angry he splits up with me/how will I manage financially' but you cannot fix all of this. it's not your job to. You're exhausted. He's not supporting you, he's not prioritising you and DC, not minding the pennies.... What does he give you?

You could manage alone. You could have the flat alone. You don't have to put up with this. You really don't. There are nice men out there and tbh being single is better than being with a man who makes you feel as you do this morning

My mum is going to ask where he is,

No it is not regular but has happened every time he has gone out with these friends. They're nice enough but one doesn't have children and one has split from the partner, so has his daughter every other weekend. Anyway, this is Irrelevant.

He has just rang but I don't know what to say. He does seem to think it is all fair enough. He was off ill the first 3 days this week, he's stressed about money, he looked very distressed the other day, I was worried he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown so maybe I'm being unfair.

So he was ill and goes on a bender.
He is worried about finances and goes out drinking.

If your mother asks he could he ill or held up at work.

You are not being unfair. He is being an arse.

Get in the car and go.
Don't give him another thought easier said than done. He clearly hasn't thought about you and your dcs.

It's not all about him is it.
Get in the car and go, and enjoy your weekend.