Am I being unreasonable about DP who hasn't come home yet

[Goldenbear]

As title suggests, my DP hasn't come home yet and we're meant to be going to my mums which is 4 hrs away. My DS (5) is asking when we are going as he thought, as did I it would be first thing.

To give a bit of context we fell out yesterday morning as my DD 14 months fell over a bag in the hallway next to the front door. DP said it was no surprise as the place is a slum. I'm a SAHM this was aimed at me. We live in a 2 bedroom flat so bags for school by the front door is not totally left field as a place to leave them as there is not much room. He then remarked on the washing up not being done. The night before I had been up 5 times within an hour with DD then she got up at 5.30. My dS has been off Ill aswell so he has been screaming out in the night I think because of the high temperature. Needless to say my DD does not sleep through, my DS (nearly 5) is also a bad sleeper despite all my efforts. I'm absolutely fucking shattered! So we fell out over this and he went to work.

I knew he was going to have a few drinks after work for his friend's 30th. Money is tight but it always is with DP so I'm constantly reminded of this and therefore DP adamant just a few drinks and as I said up post we're going to my mum's which is 4 hours away so he knew we were setting off this morning.

It got to 1.20 and I hadn't heard anything so I texted him, he replied that he was very drunk, that he had gone back to friend's house for some much needed time with friends! He then texted that he might aswell stay at his friend's house for the night and I should pick him up on the way to my mum's.

I am peed off because if I hadn't contacted him he wouldn't have bothered. I have to get the car packed up with luggage and baby stuff as staying a week. We live on the first floor without a lift so I will have to get DS to guard DD in the cot whilst I do this. I have to try and shower with DD in high chair in the bathroom. If I pick up DP on the way he is going to stink of alcohol. I am miffed because this is all much harder than it needs to be and I can't even get through to DP to pick him up anyway!

He doesn't go out much and says he doesn't stop me but I have only been out once this year from 8 after the kids are in bed until about 11.30. Also, there is always talk of how little money we have so feel my freedom to do so is limited anyway. He also often goes for drinks after work on Friday. Fair enough but obviously it's just assumed I'll be in to take care of the children.

Am I being a bit ungenerous about this, honestly want opinions.

so maybe I'm being unfair.

He likes to blame you.
You like to blame you.

It's a perfect match. But one that will eventually grind you down to nothing.

Stop shouldering all the blame and all the responsibility in your household and relationship, OP. Start placing responsibility where it belongs - notably holding your P accountable for his own piss-poor behaviour.

Everything everyone else has said, but I will add, being a lone parent is fab you know!!

Jesus Christ Rabid

I texted him when I couldn't get through that I was not going to pick him up after his attitude and absence. I put the phone down on him when he rang as there was lots of defensive, disbelief that he had done anything wrong. No apologies. The only response via text was, 'you're right about stinking.'. Oh and, 'do the kids really not want me to come?'

"he decided to spike my coffee with speed for a laugh and then fuck off out all night."

He... What?

OP - I would just go to your mum's without him. And tell him you expect the place tidied and cleaned by the time you return, becau apparently, that is expected of the parent who stays at home while the other goes out and has fun.

what do you think will happen if you tell your DS and mother that he's not there because he chose to go out and drink too much with his friends, which has made him too ill to go?

I can appriciate your worry, but he cannot behave like his, you can't stop him mind, but you can make such you don't enable it by covering it up for him

Reality

Go without him. Ok so it'll be hard work getting everything ready, but no one will die if you don't shower for a day - or have a lovely long one when you get to your folks' place. You will have a lovely time without him, and he might start to realise how much you do around the house when his dinner doesn't magically make itself. (Ok, I'm making assumptions about who cooks there, but the rest stands.)

Just go without him. I'm sure you'll have a better time without him

Seriously, just pack everything up, put the kids in the car in their seats, load the car and go. Shower when you get to your Mums and she can watch the kids. Leave him to his own devices for the weekend, he's treating you like a piece of shit!

Maybe you'll get lucky and he won't come back.

I must tell you that it is so much easier to be a single parent than to be criticised by a prick and have to allow for him in your plans. Screw him. Do what you were going to do, and if your mum asks where he is, tell her. YOU have no reason to be ashamed of HIS behaviour.

Thanks for responding, apologies for not addressing everyones' points.

I'm definitely in a state of paralysis as HotDAMNlifeisgood said. I don't want to worry my mum, who is worried by everything, I don't want to worry my Dad who likes him. I don't want the whole set up to fail and despite being in a good career prior to having DC, am well aware that I'm financially up shit creek not being married to DP and being SAHM!

This can't all be down to you, Goldenbear.

You don't have to worry your parents unnecessarily, you can say that he wasn't well so you came on without him. Up to him if he puts in an appearance later.

Just go - your ds must be going stir crazy by now.

Your parents' reactions are their own to handle - not your responsibility. Tell them, and let them react as they will. Feel free to cut off any lines of questioning you are not comfortable with, or to use this as an opportunity to offload if you think your parents can be supportive listeners.

Being a SAHM is not a life sentence. You will be fine if this current set-up does fail.

You may be surprised at your parents reaction, try not to second guess them. sometimes those who worry about small things cope well with bigger issues. And don't let shame and pride rule you - I did, and stayed for too long in an unhealthy relationship, feeling the shame that he should have felt.

Another one saying pack up and go, leaving him to his own devices.

That's funny Colditz!

Those who have said not to cover for him- yes you're right it is ridiculous and exhausting. TBH my Dad thinks he does behave in a 'young' way. He is 4 years younger than me but Dad doesn't mean that, he has said he isn't as proactive as say my Brother when it comes to the weekend fatherly stuff.

Shit he's home

Agree with HotDAMN and everyone - go on your own. Your family life and visits can't be held to ransom by the fear he might go and get hammered (ignoring money problems etc.)

He's getting out of the night waking with ill DCs, so when you get back, HE should be making it up to you. Agree with Cote, if his view is the one in the flat tidies when the other one is out, then he can be the one left at home for once.

Have a lovely time and a good break.

Go NOW. Don't wait for the hungover saddo to drag himself slowly around whining. Leg it.

Just go, without him. You don't want to be stuck in a car with him for 4 hours anyway, I'm guessing?
Deal with what happens next with him, your parents or whatever - when it happens. Hopefully your parents are the type that will fuss over the kids and give you some space to sleep and think?

I think he's taking the piss! Are you sure you only have 2 children, it seems like your children are far better behaved than him.

He needs a bloody good shake up! If you can just go then brilliant! If you can't, tell him your packing the car if he's not home by the time your ready you go without him.

Your meant to be a partnership, your not his slave! He needs to grow up and start taking some responsibility, why should you take it all on. So he's been ill if you were ill would he take time off to look after you the house and the kids? He can't argue with you, what kind of role model is he for his kids? When things get tough, leave get drunk and don't accept any responsibility.

Pack the car, be proud your doing it on your own! Be the strong assertive women you really are . He's acting like a sulky child and you shouldn't feel bad for his failings