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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about DP who hasn't come home yet

94 replies

Goldenbear · 02/06/2012 08:56

As title suggests, my DP hasn't come home yet and we're meant to be going to my mums which is 4 hrs away. My DS (5) is asking when we are going as he thought, as did I it would be first thing.

To give a bit of context we fell out yesterday morning as my DD 14 months fell over a bag in the hallway next to the front door. DP said it was no surprise as the place is a slum. I'm a SAHM this was aimed at me. We live in a 2 bedroom flat so bags for school by the front door is not totally left field as a place to leave them as there is not much room. He then remarked on the washing up not being done. The night before I had been up 5 times within an hour with DD then she got up at 5.30. My dS has been off Ill aswell so he has been screaming out in the night I think because of the high temperature. Needless to say my DD does not sleep through, my DS (nearly 5) is also a bad sleeper despite all my efforts. I'm absolutely fucking shattered! So we fell out over this and he went to work.

I knew he was going to have a few drinks after work for his friend's 30th. Money is tight but it always is with DP so I'm constantly reminded of this and therefore DP adamant just a few drinks and as I said up post we're going to my mum's which is 4 hours away so he knew we were setting off this morning.

It got to 1.20 and I hadn't heard anything so I texted him, he replied that he was very drunk, that he had gone back to friend's house for some much needed time with friends! He then texted that he might aswell stay at his friend's house for the night and I should pick him up on the way to my mum's.

I am peed off because if I hadn't contacted him he wouldn't have bothered. I have to get the car packed up with luggage and baby stuff as staying a week. We live on the first floor without a lift so I will have to get DS to guard DD in the cot whilst I do this. I have to try and shower with DD in high chair in the bathroom. If I pick up DP on the way he is going to stink of alcohol. I am miffed because this is all much harder than it needs to be and I can't even get through to DP to pick him up anyway!

He doesn't go out much and says he doesn't stop me but I have only been out once this year from 8 after the kids are in bed until about 11.30. Also, there is always talk of how little money we have so feel my freedom to do so is limited anyway. He also often goes for drinks after work on Friday. Fair enough but obviously it's just assumed I'll be in to take care of the children.

Am I being a bit ungenerous about this, honestly want opinions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldenbear · 02/06/2012 10:45

He's been and gone back out for my DS who says hes hungry so DP had gone to the shop to get him a melon pot.

He has just rung on the way and threatened suicide, said he may as well chuck himself in front of a bus that was coming. He's never said this before! He said he'd be better off because life with me is shit plus i'd get the life insurance! Don't know what to do have rung no response!

OP posts:

tribpot · 02/06/2012 10:50

Either he's serious, in which case you need to ensure he's assessed by a doctor today, or he's taking the piss in a spectacularly dreadful way, in which case threatening to have him assessed by the doctor is probably the best way to call his bluff.

I would call the police if he doesn't reappear and say he's threatened suicide. If this turns out to be wasting the police's time, it's him wasting it, not you.

DonkeyTeapot · 02/06/2012 10:51

And now the guilt trips start... brilliant. "Poor me, I don't get to have it all my own way." I'm afraid I have no helpful suggestions, but this bloke is so selfish, I would seriously be questioning whether it's a relationship worth staying in.

Oogaballoo · 02/06/2012 10:53

It sounds like he's trying to make you panic.

RickGhastley · 02/06/2012 10:56

He sounds very immature and childish.

My mother behaves like this - starts doing the "poor me" self pitying thing when she knows she's been a bitch. I think it's to stop people pulling her up on her behaviour.

I would just get your stuff together and go to your folks without him.

ClaireDeTamble · 02/06/2012 10:56

I'd call the police tbh on the non-emergency number and tell them that your DP has been out on an all night bender and has now threatened to kill himself and you do not know whether he is serious or not.

Either he is serious, the police will pick him up and he will be assessed by a doctor today and get the help he needs.

He will have to explain to them why he is being a twat and you can leave for your parents, safe in the knowledge that he is indeed a dick!

colditz · 02/06/2012 10:58

You have to call the police and have him found and assessed.

As another poster rightly said, if he's serious, you can't do anything about it, and if he's not, he deserves a bollocking by the police.

colditz · 02/06/2012 10:59

Either way, to be honest he's being a stupid fucking brat

tribpot · 02/06/2012 10:59

Oh and you should tell your parents. Dealing with this shit one way or another is going to make you late and frankly they should worry about you having this to deal with.

Arion · 02/06/2012 11:03

Trust me, as someone who's been suicidal, he's being an arse with that comment and trying to put you in your place and punish you for complaining. If you ar seriously thinking of takng your own life because you feel so shit, the last thing you want to do is use that to make someone feel bad. He is acting like a child trying to hurt you.

Would you be able to go to your Mum's one weekend without the kids? Just arrange with her and go? Leave him to deal with the kids, and the house for two days by himself and see how easy he thnks it is?

I'm a SAHM, and DH is by no means perfect (but then neither am I) but he checks with me if I'm happy for him to go out with his friends rather than assuming I'm on tap for childcare. If I haven't got the toys picked up, he puts them away (no complaining). At the weekend, he does a lot with the DCs and usually some washing if the bin is overflowing. My eldest is 4 so only on 15hours pre-school a week, youngest 16mnths. Sometimes the house looks like a tornado's hit it but DH understands how tiring looking after 2 kids can be! At the weekends we share the chores ie cooking, cleaning up after meals as it is a partnership, not a run-one-person-ragged-whilst-the-other-relaxes-ship!

ledkr · 02/06/2012 11:07

Dont feel sad for the children, stand up and show them they can rely on you their Mum.

Go off to your Mums and have a great time witout him its got to be better than getting pissed of trying to contact him

Then when your get home next week leave the slum and go out for "some much needed time with friends" and stay out all night.

There you go, sorted

ledkr · 02/06/2012 11:10

Oh and suicidal people dont normally decide to do it on a whim,its thought out and planned and they dont normally have a damn good night out before hand

moanymandy · 02/06/2012 11:12

Go to your mums with the dc and have a lovely week without him! He can spend some more 'much needed time' with his friends!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/06/2012 11:12

It may not seem that way to you now, but the suicide threat is typical of people like him. It is manipulation, to make you panic and pander to him.

He is once again trying to hand over responsibility for his feelings and his actions to you.

You are not responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for his actions. Only he is.

As others have said, the way to respond to a suicide threat is to call 999. If he is genuinely suicidal, only a professional can help him. Definitely not his romantic partner. The way to react to a suicide threat within your own mind is to accept that whatever choices he makes, however stupid or harmful, are his own responsibility.

puds11 · 02/06/2012 11:16

He's wrong, life insurance wont pay out for suicide. Just so he knows!
He sounds like a horrible man op, who threatens suicide? Its beyond cruel.
Are you ok?

cupcake78 · 02/06/2012 11:20

He's not suicidal! Hes trying to frighten you and make you feel like shit cos hes been a prat. He's trying to project his self pity onto you. Don't take on his shit. You have done nothing wrong!!!! He on the other hand is being pathetic, immature and self centred.

He needs to get over himself. Oh and life insurance in most cases doesn't apply is acts of suicide, so he's wrong.....again

He's laughable, in fact I think that's what I'd do laugh at him, tell him until he grows up and apologises to you you don't want to even hear his voice. Enjoy your children and your holiday and don't let him spoil it . I'm almost for him

eurochick · 02/06/2012 11:27

He's trying to make you worry so you will be so relieved that he is ok that you forgive his poor behaviour.

Original poster

Goldenbear · 02/06/2012 11:32

I did get through and he said he has the fruit FFS! I asked him about the suicide threat and he said he was sad and he feels sad all the time. I'm not denying him his feelings but I'm so F'd off he doesn't have a clue about his behaviour, he just keeps turning it around. He even thought he instigated the text last night explaining his whereabouts.

The thing is he twists it and says things like he is not stopping me from going out which is true to a point, he days if I wasn't so controlling things would get done around the house by him but day for example DD wakes up he never hears her, never says, 'I'll go to her' if it has been the fourth time in the night she has woken. At other times he will say I can't get up as I can't afford to be sacked. Absolutely, if it is a normal night but if she is sick and I'm sick it would be nice if he insisted. There is a lot of resentment and bickering over me not working but then he contradicts himself and says he is so happy that DD has her mum at home.

OP posts:

colditz · 02/06/2012 11:37

Please just go to your mums. If you think he is at risk of suicide, contact the police. If not, just leave for your mums. You sound so frantic and worn down by all this childishness. You need some time off him.

Lulabellarama · 02/06/2012 11:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Goldenbear · 02/06/2012 11:39

Thanks for the police advice, I am so hacked off I would've done it. He is suggesting he's loosing his mind but in reality I think he's hungover, a bit sad as a result. He had a bank statement through yesterday and rather than watch DD who has taken to rocking backwards and forwards on the arm chair and throwing herself of it, he is worrying himself over his outgoings- same old DP, he can hardly be suicidal with these kind of concerns!

OP posts:

treadheavily · 02/06/2012 11:43

What a terrible day you're having! Your DP is causing you all so much stress. And be clear, he is causing this. You are in the parenting thing together and that includes the mess and the broken nights.

About the suicide talk though, I disagree with posters urging you to ignore. It is a popular myth that those who talk of suicide don't see it through but the opposite is true. Suicidal talk has to be taken seriously and I totally agree with the poster who suggested you phone police. It will a) relieve you of the burden of managing his crisis and b) provide a catalyst to the change he needs.

He does sound distressed and in need of medical/professional help, but you are not the person to provide this. Your first priority needs to be yourself and your children and at this point you need time away so please do go to your mum's. And don't be afraid to ask your family for help. Heavens, if this isn't a crisis I don't know what is.

Just be clear with dp why you are going alone, that you want him to get help to sort himself out. And let a GP/friend or similar know what is going on.

startlife · 02/06/2012 11:43

I think events over the last week suggest this is a wake up call to you both. Maybe he is depressed so I think you should now try to get him to see a GP. I suspect if he has depression this will only get worse.

Alcohol is a depressive so being out last night isn't going to help. I think your dad is right - he's emotionally immature and it suggests he's not coping with life.

Would it be helpful if he stayed at home this week? Would you both get some rest if you went to your mums?

colditz · 02/06/2012 11:44

Will you please just go out!!!!! Your daughter is going to have a shit day sitting in watching daddy wail about how shit he is. It sounds like he needs to go to bed and sleep it off anyway. Take them to your mums and have a nice day, and recharge yourself.

Original poster

Goldenbear · 02/06/2012 11:45

lula, I didn't even think about that. He has done in the past pre children but I thought that was all done and dusted now. However, his friend he saw last night has just split up from his long term partner and he was going to be the shoulder to cry on at his other friend's 30th. This friend frequently dabbled in all sorts but I'm talking 7 years ago when I first started going out with DP.

OP posts:

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