Am I being unreasonable about DP who hasn't come home yet

[Goldenbear]

As title suggests, my DP hasn't come home yet and we're meant to be going to my mums which is 4 hrs away. My DS (5) is asking when we are going as he thought, as did I it would be first thing.

To give a bit of context we fell out yesterday morning as my DD 14 months fell over a bag in the hallway next to the front door. DP said it was no surprise as the place is a slum. I'm a SAHM this was aimed at me. We live in a 2 bedroom flat so bags for school by the front door is not totally left field as a place to leave them as there is not much room. He then remarked on the washing up not being done. The night before I had been up 5 times within an hour with DD then she got up at 5.30. My dS has been off Ill aswell so he has been screaming out in the night I think because of the high temperature. Needless to say my DD does not sleep through, my DS (nearly 5) is also a bad sleeper despite all my efforts. I'm absolutely fucking shattered! So we fell out over this and he went to work.

I knew he was going to have a few drinks after work for his friend's 30th. Money is tight but it always is with DP so I'm constantly reminded of this and therefore DP adamant just a few drinks and as I said up post we're going to my mum's which is 4 hours away so he knew we were setting off this morning.

It got to 1.20 and I hadn't heard anything so I texted him, he replied that he was very drunk, that he had gone back to friend's house for some much needed time with friends! He then texted that he might aswell stay at his friend's house for the night and I should pick him up on the way to my mum's.

I am peed off because if I hadn't contacted him he wouldn't have bothered. I have to get the car packed up with luggage and baby stuff as staying a week. We live on the first floor without a lift so I will have to get DS to guard DD in the cot whilst I do this. I have to try and shower with DD in high chair in the bathroom. If I pick up DP on the way he is going to stink of alcohol. I am miffed because this is all much harder than it needs to be and I can't even get through to DP to pick him up anyway!

He doesn't go out much and says he doesn't stop me but I have only been out once this year from 8 after the kids are in bed until about 11.30. Also, there is always talk of how little money we have so feel my freedom to do so is limited anyway. He also often goes for drinks after work on Friday. Fair enough but obviously it's just assumed I'll be in to take care of the children.

Am I being a bit ungenerous about this, honestly want opinions.

And spending money getting drunk and god knows what else really helps his financial situation.

Go to your mums house and enjoy your rest! You deserve to be treated so much better

Why haven't you left for your mum's yet? Are you waiting for him to come home in the hope of a proper conversation? If so, that's a big fat old hiding to nothing. There's a chorus of voices suggesting you just go already for a reason! It's sense. Waiting to see whether he is in the mood for a chat about how sad he feels is just a monumental waste of time! You can talk about that another time, when you feel in the mood to talk. You must be packed by now... sling it all in the car & DCs and head off with the music up loud and your phone on silent...

Leave him too it, go to your mums and have a lovely time.

Then he can have the much needed time that he needs, oh and he could also do the housework.

BTW you're a sahm not a cleaner.

Is this behaviour of his acceptable to you?
Is he willing to change it?

If it's not, and he isn't, then it is not a relationship worth pursuing.

He is entitled to act like a shit if he wants to, even if it is harmful to himself, you, and his children.
You are entitled to not share your life anymore with a man whose behaviour goes beyond what you are willing to accept.

he sounds like he may need to speak to a doctor anyway. if he says he's sad and feels sad all the time he may well be suffering with depression. if he cant cope with the demands of being a father it can be seem easier for him to just run away rather than face the problems head on.
it sounds like you are both very stressed out and could do with a break of sorts. is there any chance your dc's could go and stay with grandparents for a few days and you could spend some quality time with your partner?
me and my DP sometimes have similar issues but then he is bipolar and we both know how to deal with it when he has his extreme moods. it can be very hard at times though. i hope you can both get through it, its very easy to say 'he's a prick you should leave him', but if you love each other and want it to work then try and remember why you fell in love in the first place. even just a day together free from stress and worry can make the world of a difference. good luck and keep us posted on how it goes. x

Gosh, that is terrible.

Just take the kids in the car and go see your mum. Your dp is being a right drama queen. He realizes he has effed up by going on a bender, and is now making this all about him.

Just go without him!

Oh for crying out loud.

Just stop faffing about and go.

I can't STAND threads like this:

OP: DP's done this that or the other

Everybody else: Do XYZ.

OP: Further explanation of DP's fuckwittery and general twattishness.

Everybody else: Yep, definitely do XYZ.

OP: Even further chat about DP's fuckwittery and general twattishness.

Etc etc.

JUST GO. He's clearly a complete idiot. The "suicide threats" just confirm it.

My ex was like this - after I left him I'd get phone calls during which, in a trembly little voice he'd tell me he was going to kill himself. Oddly enough, when I responded with "Righto then - byeeeee!" the trembly little voice would turn into a bellow of "YOU HEARTLESS BITCH YOU DON'T CARE, DO YOU??"

And I didn't. There is no way - sadly - your DP is going to throw himself under a bus. You should ignore those sort of histrionics and just go to your mum's.

I doubt you will though.

I always advise ringing police when someone mentions suicide. No-one deserves to die by their owh hand, and even 'cries for help/manipulative stunts' can go tragically wrong. It passes the responsibility over to the police, and either gets them the help they need or puts a stop to this particular manipulation.

Listen to CalamityKate the voice of reason + experience....

I disagree with involving the Police . The OP doesn't mention any previous hints that he's depressed, or suicidal, or "sad all the time". He's only mentioned it because he knows he's behaved like an arse and he's trying desperately to justify that.

The Police have more important things to do than spend their days babysitting idiots.

I'm going to piss off half of mn here and just say go easy on him for now.

Don't take him with you to your mum's, give him some time and space for both of you to think and consider the situation.

Don't ignore his suicide threat, especially if he's had depression before and you're having financial difficulties. If he's not mentioned suicide before, then take it very seriously.

You need to set boundaries for both yourself, and for him. If you love him, and think he's a good person who's having problems at the moment, and not dealing with them in a good way, then tell him that. Tell him you still love him, but he needs to sort himself out and be a good husband and father, and if he needs outside help to do that, then that's ok, it's not a sign of weakness, and you will support him.

If you think he's a waster who's stringing you along and manipulating you for an easy life, then go with your gut.

Boundaries that you put in place are there to protect all of you. And if he's wanting to make a positive change, then he will need to understand that.

I know you have a lot on your plate, and in many ways this is the last thing you need, but it may be he's struggling more than you think, and needs your support.

All of my advice is based on my relationship with DH, in which we've both been depressed, we've both resented the other for thinking they've got the easier time of it, and both misinterpreted just how close to collapse the other one was.

DH responded to my first suicide threat with "you'll never do it", "you're just doing this for sympathy" "you're just doing this to manipulate me into feeling guilty" and within 3 days I was standing at a suicide spot ready to jump.

I know after the last 24 hours the last thing you want to do is give him any slack, but maybe he really needs you, and is just absolutely shit at asking for help, our even accepting it when it's offered.

I hope things get better for you all.

I wanted to say thanks for the advice from everyone. I know it seemed like I was procrastinating but I wanted to add some clarification because I don't think it was clear from my thread why I appeared not to leave.

My DP did arrive home and then went back out again to get some fruit as my DS who is 5 was desperate for a 'fruit pot' before we left. My DP rang me when he was walking to the shop and talked about the suicidal thoughts. Before he returned he answered the phone and I knew he was ok. I was going to go without him if he hadn't returned by DS who is 5 was desperate to see his Daddy. My DS had waited long enough and it would've been highly distressing for him for me to tell DP not to come with us, which incidentally he would've done if I'd asked. Myself, DP, DS and my baby DD went to my mum's house. I'm staying the week he is going home on Tuesday. We talked and he is going to see a Doctor about his stress and depressive thoughts.

I have to say this is out of character and the disbelief at his behaviour was why I genuinely asked, 'am I being ungenerous?'. DP is not some irresponsible bloke that goes out on benders. We do not go out much seperately, if atall, as we do not have the money or the inclination anymore!

DP is almost a qualified architect we had our 2nd baby last year so exams, a baby (that he adores) and a job that expects him to work until about 7 or 8 every night is a lot of stress. Neither of our children sleep well. Our 5 year old despite all our efforts is a very disturbed sleeper - he sleep walks and talks. In my DP's office there has been 4 redundancies this week. I expect this brings its own stresses. Finally, his Dad died at 50 as he was an alcoholic so it is very out of character for DP to drink excessively.

I know you will say I'm defending him. I am not but having read calamity Kate's post I felt the need to provide some context. Also, with regard to your posts I think you're projecting. Despite what you felt about an ex of yours I have no desire for my DP, the father of my children to throw himself under a bus - call me a humanitarian! I'm sorry if I mislead anyone about him. The fact is he is a good Dad who let them down yesterday it was totally out of character. It is not good but I think your comments are offensive considering I posted this not in, 'AIBU' but in 'Relationships' as I was desperate and needed people to answer genuinely whether I was being ungenerous. Your comments were aggressive and implied I was a weak, almost hopeless human being. Luckily I'm an intelligent woman that is educated to Masters degree level and so even in these challenging times for my family, read your character assassination for what it is - a few bitchy remarks on the Internet presumably conected to your low self esteem or whatever other reasons people have for feeling the need to kick people whilst they're down!

Thanks to everybody else but I haven't the energy to engage in that kind of crap at the moment.

OP, I've only just seen your thread, but wanted to comment very briefly on the suicide/depression points.

My dad had a breakdown when he was in his early forties. He behaved in a truly appalling way for 18 months, lost absolutely everything - marriage, career, reputation, friends, and even his children because DB and I refused to see him. He threatened suicide, attempted it in what seemed at the time to be a half-heartedly manipulative attempt to gain sympathy, and then succeeded on his second attempt. The whole time my dad was under psychiatric care.

I mention all of this to let you know that sadly I do have some experience in this area. You won't be surprised to know that DB and I have both done a lot of reading about suicide (DB is now a Samaritans volunteer).

What bearing does this have on you? It's really important that you understand and accept that, no matter how much you love your DP, you are not and cannot be responsible for his actions. It is up to him to seek help and then act upon it. You can support him but you can't mend him.

It's also really important that you look after yourself. You can't offer him support if you have no strength left to give.

A couple of practical points. You need to sort out your DS's sleeping because it will be draining both of you. My DS is 4.6 years old and suffers from night terrors - he has been referred to a sleep disorders paediatric specialist and has been prescribed a short term dose of sedatives to break the cycle. Fingers crossed it seems to be working.

In the longer term, think about whether you want to be a SAHM. You have mentioned that DP has expressed mixed feelings about it; what do you feel? It sounds like your family is stretched financially and it might not be a bad thing if you take steps towards returning to work (always on the proviso that, on balance, it's what you both agree is best for the family and you). Working would also give you a measure of financial independence if the shit ever does hit the fan.

Finally, keep posting. Assuming your DP is fundamentally a good man who's currently flailing around looking for help, then you'll need to vent sometimes, and you'll need a reality check from MN sometimes. Being depressed shouldn't give your DP a free pass to treat you like shit, and he'll need to be pulled up on poor behaviour if he tries to go down that road. MN is great for that!

All the best
CRx

I appreciate you didn't post in AIBU, but you did write "honestly want opinions" at the end of your OP. Not being educated to a Masters degree level, I took that to mean you honestly wanted opinions :)

Glad you've got it all sorted :)

Think if you had painted the full picture at the start rather than at the end ten you may have got a different answer from people.

You should know men who get pissed and don't put their family/wife/DP first always get slaughtered on here. He sounds immature but aren't most young blokes?

One thing is clear, you were never going to go to your mums without him because your love is blind. Sounds like he pretty much wears the trousers in your relationship.

All the best OP, I hope he can be honest with the dr about how he's feeling because sometimes only a little help can make a really big difference.

I was kinda shocked by the harsh comments (oh ignore it)... really is life worth so little that we give up on each other so easily?

You & he have history, you have children, you're in it together. I hope you get some lovely RL support and start to pull through this patch.

Maleview, yes I do I have expectations of my DP as the father of my children. He is 30 not 13, maybe in your extended 'yoof' world that is too young to demonstrate some level of responsibility but not in mine. In fact not even in his.

I gave the full story from the start. I was trying to explain why it would not be happy about him being run over by a bus.

I was going to go without him and I have done so once before. I was not thinking about me or us I and indeed we (DP and I) were thinking about our DS standing in front of us begging for his Daddy to come with probably because he doesn't see him most of the week.

'Love is blind'- what does that even mean??

cinnabar, thanks for taking the time to write your post, I'm sorry about your father. It is helpful to read that it is ok to feel worn down by it all as there is an element of guilt on my part in not noticing the signs to the build up of all this misery he is obviously feeling at the moment.

treadheavily, time is yet to tell whether I'm being a bit of a mug but I do know that he helped me through some very tough times (seen as this is anonymous- i was raped by a work colleague at a work social). When you share that kind of experience with someone, he is the only person who knows, it makes you very close indeed. He is a kind, compassionate bloke so no I don't want to give up on us or our children. We both have parents who divorced and we both feel quite strongly about the path we want to take. However, I'm realistic if things went from bad to worse I'm not sure how helpful it would be to stay together.

Re the night terrors, do they happen at the same time each night? If so, wake DS about 15 min before that time, for a few nights. Can't remember how I found this out, but it worked for mine.

Often people come on here with one piece of behaviour from their partner, and v often it is found that there is a whole lot more but the poster has become so used to it that they think it is normal. I am so glad this is not the case for you, however I think that might be why some posts seemed too extreme for your situation.

I do hope your DP finds the help he needs. The Mental Health board is full of kind and understanding people if you need specific help with this.