Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Just been called a bad parent and negligent

90 replies

Tweet2tweet · 31/05/2012 19:55

Hi there
I'll keep this short and to the point. I was playing with DD in cot, she's just started standing on her own. Anyway- she lost her grip on side of cot and hit of the top/side of it- I was hovering over her but it was just so quick. I picked her up straight away and hugged/kissed her. I feel really terrible,just wasn't quick enough.
Her lip was bleeding a little bit and I think she has a bruise on her cheek. She was really crying but stopped after a few minutes after I hugged her and read her a book.
Dh was in the room and he went into a real rant, telling me I'm a useless, bad mother and negligent. He said he no longer trusts me with dd and when I tried to say I was very upset, he told me to be more humble and accept what a bad parent I am.
I do everything for my dd. I'm working FT, rush home to be with her, spend all my time with her, do all the cooking/laundry/driving/cleaning and feel so betrayed and upset by what he has said. He just seems so quick to criticise me.
In the last couple of weeks I've been dumped on by family, friends and even at work they are taking the p**s out of me.
Anyone else ever experienced this type of thing? How do you stop feeling isolated, worthless and lonely?
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

amverytired · 31/05/2012 19:57

He is a cock.

Every mum here has been standing beside a dc when they have a bump/fall/accident of some sort. Accidents happen.

Original poster

Tweet2tweet · 31/05/2012 19:59

Thanks amverytired- just feels good to know someone else thinks that. I'm so daft- crying at getting your response. Thank you.

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 31/05/2012 20:02

What an arsehole. Does he always treat you this way Tweet?

The falls my children have had would make your blood run cold! I even fell down some stairs holding my baby :(

I'm a bloody good mum! You are too from the sound of it. Accidents happen and he's a prick!

Xales · 31/05/2012 20:02

He was in the room too why didn't he miraculously stop her from having this accident? Or use his precognitive powers to see it happening and stop you playing with your DD?

She will have plenty of accidents over the years. I suggest you write down exactly what happened, what he said and how it made you feel. When she first has an accident in his 'care' hand it to him and say I would never do that to you.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 31/05/2012 20:02

Both DH and I have had accidents like that with the DC - they happen despite our best efforts.

You did the right thing in comforting your child immediately and your DH's response seems way out of order!

BombasticAghast · 31/05/2012 20:03

Tweet, your DH was being an arse. I have been in charge of my DS when he fell down the stairs at age 2, got away from me and run off onto a road (no cars, thank heaven) and various other things. As has DH. There's never been any blame or nastiness - it's just what sometimes happened with small children.

Accidents happen. As parents, we need to be kind to one another.

And be kind to yourself too.

Houseofplain · 31/05/2012 20:03

Your husband is I would say on the ladder of escalating abuse.

You do everything, so he's ground you down until you know your place. What does he do exactly? Now the insults have started, the useless you, the useless mother, grinding you down more about how useless you are. Oh and planting that seed, that now he's stepping up if you dare leave, he shall never let you have your dd as you can't be trusted with her .

I'll eat my jubilee hat if I'm wrong. He is not going to get better....

fuzzpig · 31/05/2012 20:04

Your DH is a horrible arse. I am really hoping that he was just upset and speaking out of panic... although that's no excuse really.

It is really horrible when something like that happens but you honestly can't prevent that kind of thing 24/7!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 31/05/2012 20:05

I second the fact that he's a cock. A complete wanker.

Is he normally this much of a complete arse? He sounds awful.

It was a regretable, but normal, every day bump she had. It only gets worse from here on it - if they can find something to bump their heads on, they will.

Seriously, he sounds awful :(

WillowWhispers · 31/05/2012 20:05

Love many times DD has had bumps and bruises when I've been there - they're so quick sometimes its all you can do to try and minimise the damage and cuddle them. You ARE NOT a bad parent. You hear, you are NOT!

Your DHs reaction is not on. Your DD is not a task he can delegate to people who pass his standards of what makes them responsible, and he is in no way entitled to speak to you in that way. Does this happen often - that he speaks to you in that way? It doesn't sound as though he is pulling his weight around the house either - you shouldn't be working FT and doing the majority of the domestic stuff - does he pull his weight?

Right now ignore him. Try and imagine that you are a statue standing in the middle of a thunderstorm - his words are the rain and lightning, just let it all wash over you. Give all your attention to your LO and let his opinions wash over you without digging in. You are a good mum, believe in yourself.

Original poster

Tweet2tweet · 31/05/2012 20:05

Thank waltermittymissus- We do get one but since dd arrived he seems very quick to criticise me. As long as all is going well then things are fine but if there's ever an incident or something doesn't go to plan he can go into a rant which gets me down.

Xales- I asked him what he would do if I spoke to him like that and he said he'd never let something like that happen. Difficult to get anywhere with that type of response!

OP posts:

Cassettetapeandpencil · 31/05/2012 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 31/05/2012 20:09

Tweet his treatment of you is NOT ok! It's not good enough to treat you with respect when things are going his way and then turn on you over something so slight.

Having a child is a massive upheaval but is NO excuse for his behaviour.

Houseofplain · 31/05/2012 20:10

This is not a bloke being a prick as a one of though is it op? He criticises all the time, he's never wrong, you do EVERYTHING. Your op already screams EA.

This is the next step to make you feel even more useless, and like I say plant that seed, that you'll never have the children on your own......

This isn't the kind of buy who is going to get it and apologise, it's on purpose.

picnicbasketcase · 31/05/2012 20:12

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a complete and total shit. Everyone has accidents. Children, who are naturally more wobbly than older people, have a lot of them. Both of my DC have had various minor injuries over the years and at no point has their father ever felt the need to call me negligent and say he doesn't trust me, just as I would never say anything like that to him. Just because you were present does not mean you were responsible for it happening.

I agree with Houseofplain, this does sound very worrying and emotionally abusive.

Have a hug and a

akaemmafrost · 31/05/2012 20:12

I'll guarantee there is more to this story.

Ex loved accusing me of child abuse and being a bad mum. Any bruise or mark on the would have to be explained by me under his suspicious and accusatory glare.

It's a script. There are certain kinds of men who follow it and accusing you of being a bad Mum often takes the starring part.

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 31/05/2012 20:13

The worst accidents/incidents my DC have had have been when I'm right there standing next to them.

A couple of months ago I was behind my DD1 (3 years) on the stairs when she lost her footing at the top and army rolled from the top to the bottom right past where I was standing and it happened so fast I couldn't do anything to stop her.

Children have accidents. It happens. Your DH is being an utter arse.

You sound like a lovely Mum.

akaemmafrost · 31/05/2012 20:13

Aha! someone has already said the A word.

I concur.

Original poster

Tweet2tweet · 31/05/2012 20:13

Thanks for all of your supportive messages, honestly so grateful. My dh is a good dh- as fuzzpig says he probably just panicked. It's just that he always acts like this in panic and then when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was.
My attitude to it is that dd had an accident which was horrible and I feel really bad but she's okay and let's just get on. Instead we're not talking to each other and probably won't all night.

It's just a bit draining, you know. We are getting on much more than the first 6 months when dd arrived, that was just awful. It just sometimes feels like there's no room for error and that's tiring. I prefer being a bit more laid back.

OP posts:

WillowWhispers · 31/05/2012 20:13

As long as all is going well then things are fine but if there's ever an incident or something doesn't go to plan he can go into a rant which gets me down.

This is not ok. This is not how a husband should be speaking to his wife when you begin the journey of parenthood. He is putting all the responsibilty onto you and standing back to judge and criticise. This is obviously making you feel down and I imagine making you dread things going wrong? And I imagine you accept that talking to him about it doesn't get you anywhere as he takes the stand that if you didn't allow things to go wrong he wouldn't have anything to rant about? Can you see how skewed that dynamic is? Do you think its going to get better with time or worse? Do you think he will "rant" at your LO one when they have done something wrong?

more · 31/05/2012 20:14

wow that just brough back memories of my daughter falling into the bramble bush when she was learning to walk (I am just glad it was on my DH's watch). The thorns only just missed her eye. But I didn't go off on one with him, considering that she had only just the previous week run away from me (she was standing next to me as I was locking the door, turn around and she is no longer there. Cue first time of many that I am screaming for her like a fisherwife. Luckily she only managed to get to the front garden.)
Sorry I'm just rambling trying to make you feel better about the accident.
His reaction is just not normal.

SparklyRedShoes · 31/05/2012 20:14

What an arse. I'd be tempted to go on strike in all areas. No sex, no washing, cleaning, cooking anything. Show him what a 'Bad mother' is really like. The sod.

pollyblue · 31/05/2012 20:14

I asked him what he would do if I spoke to him like that and he said he'd never let something like that happen

so why does she think he can speak to you like that?

Accidents happen all the time with small children, they are capable of falling over their own feet even when they're standing still (or at least mine are ) And your dc had a minor ding, that's all.

He does sound an arse, sorry. I think you need to consider some sort of assertiveness training, both to stand up to him and others that you feel are taking the piss.

kellykateneedsaholiday · 31/05/2012 20:15

MY three done the cot thing quite a few times when they were wee. I also let one fall out a highchair on their head, one cut their baby finger with a knife so it needed stitches, one stuck a bead up his nose and needed knocked out at hospital. Ive also shut the car door on their fingers twice, nipped them with their pushchair clips. Ill stop their before I get social services looking for me but they were all accidents and Im not a bad mum. I dont know anyone that hasnt had an accident with their child.
The only way to stop them hurting themselves is to wrap them up in cottonwool and that wont do them any good. You sound like a great mum, just keep doing what you are doing. As they get bigger they get loads of bumps falling over, off scooters etc and you cant stop it happening.
You definately arent worthless, please dont think that. You are normal. tell him to piss off

WillowWhispers · 31/05/2012 20:16

It just sometimes feels like there's no room for error and that's tiring

This ^. You should not be feeling like this. This is not a feeling seen in healthy balanced equal relationships. Its seen in relationships where one partner dominates.

Flip

1 2 3 4