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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just been called a bad parent and negligent

90 replies

Tweet2tweet · 31/05/2012 19:55

Hi there
I'll keep this short and to the point. I was playing with DD in cot, she's just started standing on her own. Anyway- she lost her grip on side of cot and hit of the top/side of it- I was hovering over her but it was just so quick. I picked her up straight away and hugged/kissed her. I feel really terrible,just wasn't quick enough.
Her lip was bleeding a little bit and I think she has a bruise on her cheek. She was really crying but stopped after a few minutes after I hugged her and read her a book.
Dh was in the room and he went into a real rant, telling me I'm a useless, bad mother and negligent. He said he no longer trusts me with dd and when I tried to say I was very upset, he told me to be more humble and accept what a bad parent I am.
I do everything for my dd. I'm working FT, rush home to be with her, spend all my time with her, do all the cooking/laundry/driving/cleaning and feel so betrayed and upset by what he has said. He just seems so quick to criticise me.
In the last couple of weeks I've been dumped on by family, friends and even at work they are taking the p**s out of me.
Anyone else ever experienced this type of thing? How do you stop feeling isolated, worthless and lonely?
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

RecursiveMoon · 31/05/2012 20:17

Oh Tweet, children are very good at hurting themselves even when you're right next to them. At least your DD is fine.

Your DH on the other hand isn't. Is it possible that he got a fright when your DD was hurt, then lashed out unintentionally?

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 20:17

Having kids can bring this out in couples. You both care and have different attitudes. I was obviously an accident, he needs to stop criticising you, especially in front of dc and talk to you about it like an adult. It's a learning curve and I'm sure many couples have experienced this. Try not to worry, just talk to him.

Houseofplain · 31/05/2012 20:17

He's a good dh you say?

do all the cooking/laundry/driving/cleaning and feel so betrayed and upset by what he has said. He just seems so quick to criticise me.

How do you stop feeling isolated, worthless and lonely?

Sounds like EA to me and it's done it's job, it's made you feel like you do. Now it's escalating, as per the abusers script they threaten you with your access to your children and your parental skills....

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 31/05/2012 20:18

He told you to 'be more humble'

WTFingF?

Aside from that

I have had five children. Everyone of them has had accidents like the one you describe. Even with my 20 years experience, I still have not managed to develop superpowers.

You are not negligent. Not in any sense of the word and certainly not in any official sense.

Your OH on the other hand sounds like a twat.

clam · 31/05/2012 20:19

Do you know what one of the most chilling (to me) parts of your posts are?
"when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was."

Now that is controlling and abusive.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2012 20:19

Good grief-don't let him speak to you like that!
I think that you need assertiveness training. Why are you working FT and doing it all at home?

Sit him down now and tell him that from now on he does half the work-he can start with the washing up!

lollypopsicle · 31/05/2012 20:20

If he was in the room then why didn't he do something to prevent the fall?- accusing you of being a bad parent implies you put her in danger so why didn't he put a stop to this dangerous situation? The answer is because it was not dangerous and it was just an accident. What a ridiculous man.

I imagine he is the type that must find someone else to blame for anything that goes wrong in his life.

The time will come when something like this will happen to him with DD. Make sure you remind him of this incident (and how unreasonable he was) when it does.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 31/05/2012 20:21

So how exactly is you DH going to stop this happening again?

Will you be taking it in shifts standing next to the cot incase she wakes up and decides to pull herself up? Or maybe he wants to tie her down?

He sounds like an arse really.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2012 20:21

Sorry-I am being a bit hard but you do need to see that you are in an abusive relationship. When you are both calm you need to discuss it and get some counselling. The way that he acts and the things that he says are just not acceptable.

pmgkt · 31/05/2012 20:22

if it makes you feel any better, DH tonight picked up DS (23m) no realising his fingers were caught and scraped the skin off the back of his fingers and making them bleed. so it happens to everyone, it doesnt make you a bad parent, and there will be many more scraps to come.

BackforGood · 31/05/2012 20:23

What amverytired said in the first reply.

The only mitigating circumstance I can think of for speaking to anyone in anything like half such an abusive way is that he too was very upset seeing his LO get hurt, and with those heightened emotions said things he shouldn't.

Only you know if this was totally out of character or not.

handbagCrab · 31/05/2012 20:24

My Ds rolled off the bed today, it happens!

If you do everything what does your dh do? And that isn't right btw unless you love housework above all other leisure activity :)

If he doesn't do much childcare then he won't be in your position will he.

Why do you have to be bad? Why does there need to be someone to blame? Is it always you he needs to blame or can it be anyone?

Why is this better than the first 6 months?

RecursiveMoon · 31/05/2012 20:24

Cross-posts!

It is awful when DC hurt themselves, but you and your DH need to talk about how you both tend to react when this happens when it's not happening.

When our DS hurts himself, DH tends to panic and to want to take him to A and E, whereas I panic and want to see if he'll calm down / if the blood will stop etc. This has led DH toeing grumpy about me not taking it seriously enough etc at the time, but afterwards he's agreed that I was actually right to react more pragmatically.

Librarylu · 31/05/2012 20:25

What a turd. My ds bashes himself/I bash him by accident all the time. It happens. He sounds like bad news. I think you should go away for the weekend on your own. Let him see how tough it is. I guarantee he'll slip up. You deserve a break. In the meantime, have a glass of wine, relax and remember you're a good mum. X

tasmaniandevilchaser · 31/05/2012 20:29

Do you know what one of the most chilling (to me) parts of your posts are?
"when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was."

Now that is controlling and abusive.

my thoughts exactly clam.

tweet panicking after your child has a fall - normal. All the rest of what your DH says and the way he treats you - not normal. Sorry.

gabsid · 31/05/2012 20:37

I agree, it very much sounds like an abusive relationship.

THIS IS NOT WHAT A GOOD DH DOES!!! Please don't defend that sort of behaviour.

Is there a good friend you could talk to?

tribpot · 31/05/2012 20:38

be more humble and accept what a bad parent I am

This is unacceptable language to use in almost any circumstances, and certainly in the one you describe here.

when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was

This is abusive behaviour designed to wear you down and make you feel completely defeated as a parent and a human being. It's working.

he said he'd never let something like that happen

And he can back that up by never taking responsibility for anything connected to his dd, because you work FT, rush home to be with her, spend all my time with her, do all the cooking/laundry/driving/cleaning.

His attitude stinks.

Nikkim30 · 31/05/2012 20:45

This won't be the last time your DD injures herself no matter how careful you are, and soon it will happen on your Dh's watch, maybe then he will realise how quick it happens.

I had to take my DD to to A&E when she was 4 months old as she 'leapt' off the bed onto her head! I was practically standing next to her at the time. Luckily she was fine.

Please do NOT believe what your husband says about you, and maybe be wary of how he is treating you - it's hard enough being a mum and you don't need the one person who is supposed to support you making you feel like this. Trust in your mummy instincts, not what someone else says.

Xales · 31/05/2012 20:56

My son had many accidents most of them in public fortunately.

One that I remember (that wasn't in public) he fell off his bed which is chest height to me. He was sitting on the side with he legs hanging off the edge just before bed and must have fallen asleep sitting there. He just fell forward off the bed and landed face first on the floor. He hit so hard he had the carpet imprinted on his forehead! Nothing more than an accident but was so lucky he didn't break his neck or something.

He wasn't even a baby!

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 21:03

"when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was."

That's made me feel quite unwell.

I agree with everyone else, it all sounds abusive. He's a cunt.

ThisIsMummyPig · 31/05/2012 21:18

If you are going to let your children grow up, you have to let them have accidents, it's how they learn. Clearly we all try and prevent as many of them as we can, because we love our babies, and don't want to see them hurt.

I remember letting my baby seeing me cry when she was about 8 weeks old, and we were at a clinic, and she hadn't put weight on - again - (we got referred to the hospital who after four appointments over six months never did a single test, she was clearly fine but small, but that's all by the by).

A woman who was stood next to me told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't cry, because it was upsetting the baby. I looked down and saw DD1s confused, worried little face and knew she was right.

Now, your baby had a fall, that will happen, you picked her up, cuddled her, loved her, made the world ok, but if you are being treated in a way that you would never allow her to be treated, you can't make the world ok, because it's not.

You really need to look at how you are going to deal with this behaviour, or if you are going to just turn your back on it. Do you want your daughter to grow up to be humble, and blame herself for things that aren't her fault (like, for example, her mother being unhappy), or are you going to try and change her environment.

Personally I'm not big on the leave the bastard line you hear so much on here, but I do think that he owes you a huge apology, and a weekend off all the housework.

SweetGrapes · 31/05/2012 21:20

DS fell off a chair when he was 5. Just fell off. He was sitting there and eating breakfast and just fell off. These things happen.
But that's not the issue. Even if it was your fault that's no way to talk to you. Agree with what every one else is saying re abuse.
You really need a good hard look at your relationship - specially because whatever your relationoship is will affect your dd in her relationships. You need to setting a better example.
If it was just panic that made him say these things then you wouldn't need to say how bad what you did was and he would be apologising for going OTT in panic.

He's not a cunt - he lacks the warmth and the depth. More shitty place would suit better.

FunnyLovesTheJubilee · 31/05/2012 21:23

He sounds nasty to me. All children do this esp when they start to jump up and down in their cot. Sorry you're having to deal with someone so cruel

Alambil · 31/05/2012 21:37

This is from the Women's Aid website;

"My husband puts me down and calls me names all of the time, he says I?m a bad mother and that I?m going mad. I?m starting to believe him and I don?t think I can cope any more. What should I do?

What you?re describing is emotional abuse. This verbal abuse and mental torture is classed as domestic violence and he shouldn?t be allowed to treat you this way. You?re not going mad. This is a very common thing for an abusive person to say. He?s trying to undermine your self-esteem and make you feel that you?re reliant on him. Remember that you are not in any way responsible for what?s happening. He is abusing you and you don?t have to accept it. You would probably feel a lot more able to cope with life if he wasn?t constantly putting you down."

Your post sent chills down my spine.

What is worse and makes me feel physically sick, is that this is merely the beginning...

You need to talk to someone who can actually help you - 0808 2000 247

Xales · 31/05/2012 21:37

Actually if you think there is anything to salvage in your relationship can you sit down with your DH and explain to him that everytime he puts your down your DD will see it.

As she gets older she will think this is how women should be treated and chances are very high that the men she ends up dating will tell her what a pathetic worthless person she is.

Is this what he wants for his beloved daughter? If not he needs to buck his ways up and change his attitude damned fast.

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