Just been called a bad parent and negligent

[Tweet2tweet]

Hi there
I'll keep this short and to the point. I was playing with DD in cot, she's just started standing on her own. Anyway- she lost her grip on side of cot and hit of the top/side of it- I was hovering over her but it was just so quick. I picked her up straight away and hugged/kissed her. I feel really terrible,just wasn't quick enough.
Her lip was bleeding a little bit and I think she has a bruise on her cheek. She was really crying but stopped after a few minutes after I hugged her and read her a book.
Dh was in the room and he went into a real rant, telling me I'm a useless, bad mother and negligent. He said he no longer trusts me with dd and when I tried to say I was very upset, he told me to be more humble and accept what a bad parent I am.
I do everything for my dd. I'm working FT, rush home to be with her, spend all my time with her, do all the cooking/laundry/driving/cleaning and feel so betrayed and upset by what he has said. He just seems so quick to criticise me.
In the last couple of weeks I've been dumped on by family, friends and even at work they are taking the p**s out of me.
Anyone else ever experienced this type of thing? How do you stop feeling isolated, worthless and lonely?
Thanks for reading.

To be honest I don't see it working as I think he is already mentally abusing you by the way you have to grovel and admit all your faults.

He is not going to change at all.

OP maybe have a look at this www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html and see what you think.

i hope you will keep posting and thinking through the replies. So many of the women on here have lived something like this themselves and can feel your confusion, hurt and fear.

xfool

If he was also in the room then he's just projecting his own guilt at not preventing the accident onto you.

Grown adults own their own shit - immature twits of either sex don't. "I realise you are upset sweets that our daughter is hurt - can we save the post-mortem until after we are confident our child has fully recovered from this incident?".

Next time he does this during a less emotionally charged situation that your pfb bleeding throw it back at him "I love you too hun, despite all your faults", "gotta keep you on your toes babe", "perfection is boring, luckily for you sweets" & laugh in his face before adding a swing to your hips, a peck on his check and walking away.

So, has nothing happened when he has had sole care of your dd?

Accidents happen. It is normal. I fell down the stairs carrying ds1 when he was 6 months old. It was horrid. I felt terrible. I stumbled 3 steps from the bottom, and dropped ds1. I can still see it in slow motion. Dh was there, he saw it happen, he was distraught as me, but NO WAY did he accuse me or blame me. Because accidents DO happen. And he knew I was a good and caring mum.

It is awful that your husband calls you negligent because a baby falls over inside her own cot. She could not have fallen over in a safer place, trust me.

Kids have accidents. They bounce. They survive. It's how they learn.

I would never think that, let alone say that, to my DW. And she wouldn't to me. He's a cock.

Accidents happen. We had several visits to A & E over the years.

Oh blimey, this reminded me of when one of mine rolled off the bed as a baby & bashed his head on the floor. I was sitting on the bed at the time but couldn't reach him in time to stop him. DH hit the roof. But the baby was fine (they are tough!) & Dh had been under pressure & this was out of chartcter for him.

From your DH's pov, I think if something happens to your PFB while someone else is looking after him/her, your reaction may well be OTT, just from the point that it was something out of your control & you feel powerless, & so over-react.

Bloody hell, he sounds like a total arse! How dare he speak to you like that? Humble? Bad parent? And this is a bloke who is supposed to love you? Do not let him make you feel you are in the wrong. Accidents happen despite everything we can do to prevent them. I don't know of one child who hadn't had bumps, cuts or bruises before they were 12 months old. My lovely nephew had to have stitches for a split lip when he was just over a year old after he tried to dive bomb my DB from the sofa and he couldn't get to him in time to stop him hitting the floor.

The first night we had DS home I got up in the night and fed him. I then changed his nappy whilst he was laying across my knees. And then I sneezed, made an involuntary jerk - as you do when you sneeze - and my arm caught him under his chin and forced his neck backwards. I thought I had broken his neck and paralysed him. DP woke up because of my shrieking and quickly pointed out that as DS was wriggling and smiling I hadn't paralysed him. He comforted me and sat up with me for the next two hours watching DS until I was convinced he wasn't hurt. And he clearly wasn't, I was just beating myself up about what could've happened.

That is what a loving partner and Father does. He never blamed me, never got arsey with me off for being careless, clumsy or anything. He was just lovely. Your DH sounds very far from that I'm sorry to say.

If this was a one off I'd agree that it was panic, guilt etc but reading Tweet's posts I think it's clear there's more going on here.

I agree with clam a while back.

Ha, did you inherit my ex,then? DD fell off the bed with both of us beside her, and he grabbed her and kept crooning "Poor you, your mummy doesn't look after you". One of many such incidents. Hideous to live with.

How come your "D"H is the one who gets to set the standards that you then have to live up to? There is a horrible power imbalance in your relationship. That's what EA is about - one person trying to seize all the power by grinding the other one down.

"when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was."

Stop doing that. If the only way he's nice to you is have you cave to his bullying and take all the blame, that's not healthy at all. He has to learn to control his temper... he should be the one saying sorry

If my DH ever talked to em like that, I would not be with him. TBH I just cannot imagine any partner talking to anyone like that!

I am not saying "leave him" as you probably think it is "normal".

Just FYI, I find it really shocking he said that, and wonder about his motives, and have a really bad feeling about your relationship. sorry.

"Thanks for all of your supportive messages, honestly so grateful. My dh is a good dh- as fuzzpig says he probably just panicked. It's just that he always acts like this in panic and then when it comes to making up I have to say how bad what I did was."

Two things here leap out. Why would he panic at such a minor accident- but more importantly- you have to say how bad what you did was before you can make up? Honestly, tweet, this is not how proper adult relationships work. Please don't get drawn into the spiral of appeasement and taking responsibility for everything. You need to do something about this- it will get worse, I'm afraid, if you don't,

He sounds awful. yes anyone can panic and over-react when they see their child hurt and maybe say things they don't mean, but those were pretty unpleasant and hurtful things he said to you, and not even an apology afterwards? And from what you say this is not just a one-off either.

These little accidents happen when kids are learning to stand, walk etc, I bet none of us got through childhood without the odd bruise or cut (or maybe worse) - it didn't make our mothers negligent or worthless or any of those things. You sound like a great mum. You are not the problem here.

Please don't be 'humble' and 'accept' this treatment, it's not right or fair and it has no place in a healthy relationship or family life.

What does he do if you don't show that you know how 'bad' you've been Tweet? Will your DD have to go through this if she does normal toddler mischief?
Please don't minimise his treatment of you, it really is out if order and not a heat-of-the-moment outburst but a cruel and calculated attack.
If he no longer trusts you, is he going to do all the caring for your DD now?!

I tripped up the stairs holding my DS ... he still has a scar across his eyebrow 20 years on. I shut my 4 year old DD's fingers in the car boot, and cried as much as she did (thankfully no damage done). My son fell in a pond when he was 3 and literally by my side, but tripped .... my daughter grabbed the iron as I was folding up the T shirt I'd just done .... etc etc etc. None of this was deliberate, or preventable, because things happen in a flash despite your best intentions and safety precautions. Like every mum I told her to keep away from the iron a million times but for some reason she darted across the room ....

.... I felt awful of course, and "guilty" but not guilty guilty because there was nothing I could have done. Oh ... and no-one ever suggested otherwise.

This "man" is abusive .... he's seizing whatever he can to put you down, control you, belittle you and lord it over you. One of the worst things that can be said to a parent is to call them negligent or "bad" .... he knows this, he knows it cuts to the core .... so why say it ? Because he wants to upset you, he wants to be cruel. There was absolutely no need. Fucking arrogant shit he is .... who the bloody hell does he think he is ??

I agree with the other ladies and just want to point out as only skimmed the thread quickly, that a good father doesn't talk to the mother of their child like this, a good father doesn't make the mother think they're bad parents,

sorry but i feel he's keeping you in check, control intimidation I dare say and manipulation, until such a point you have enough & try to leave - at which point he'll threaten to keep the child as you can't be trusted and your a bad parent you'll believe him and stay your poor child will be caught in the middle learning that this is how relationships are carried out.

does this man actually have any redeeming features? honestly if DP spoke to me like that he'd be out sooner than that, he really would be, being a working mum is hard enough, being a mum is hard enough without doing everything in the house & putting up with someone draining you totally of all of your energy.

does he work/do anything in the house? and sorry but his comment of never letting anything happen.... well would love to be that perfect!

on a positive note, children have accidents - hell DS1 swallowed a daz liqui tab and nearly put his head thru my parents glass front door (two worst things) but it happens, you're not a bad parent for your child falling down in their cot.

what would happen if you were to tell him exactly how you felt?

The things that shock me in your OP are the things your DH said to you, not what happened to your DD.

You should be more humble?

Outrageous.

As for the rest, we are all saying the same thing-when my DS was 14 mo he grabbed a spoon from a bowl, ran away from me around a corner chuckling. I ran after him, a nano-second behind him, and came upon him sitting down starting to wail-he had fallen and the (square, metal) end of the spoon had stuck in his forehead. Still makes me shudder now.

He was fine. Bit of a clean up and a glue stitch at hospital and all was well.

It happens.

I'm aware this isn't necessarily helpful, but if my DP said this to me and treated me this way his bags would be out the window followed quickly by his corpse.

I was beside my DD when she had come up behind me on the stairs when the bannistairs were in the middle of being replaced, (I was putting clothes away into hot press just at the top). She missed her footing on the very top step and I saw it happen but just missed grabbing her - she went down to the bottom and we had a night in A&E while they checked she was ok (she was FINE). DH never once said anything about bad parenting (plenty about not ringing him earlier and it would have to happen on his Christmas night out with work, but NOTHING about me being a bad parent).

We've had lots and lots of smaller incidents too - some with me, some with DH supervising, and even with others watching too (like professionals in creche). As have every other parent I know. Kids explore, they fall over and bump, and that's how they LEARN.

So if you're such a shit mother and such a terrible person that you have to admit to your innumerous failings on a regular basis, how come he lets you do everything for your DD and everything around the home too? He can't have it both ways; if you're useless and dreadful, then you shouldn't be trusted with that stuff - he should be doing all housework and childcare in that case. Have you ever pointed this discrepancy out to him?

You have to leave this abuser, you know that, don't you? It's obvious that you have very low self-esteem, as your op also mentions how others are treating you badly, but you need to break free. Soon, he'll have you convinced you are as shit as he constantly tells you you are and then he can start on your dd once the thrill of breaking you down has gone. And he'll fuck her up in one of two ways: treat her like she's worthless like he does you, making her apologise for the slightest thing or he'll make her his little ally against terrible, horrid mummy (a type of emotional incest). Either way, this will mess her up forever and most likely she'll end p in abisive relationships too, as you are both teaching her every day that this is how women should be treated. It's not just the abusive ways he treats you when you're together, it's everything about the situation that will damage her; seeing you do so much more than him, worrying about making Daddy angry, perhaps stopping her doing stuff so daddy won't be angry at mummy or her or both of you, scared of daddy coming home, etc., etc.

And watch out for him telling others you are terrible too, in order to make them view you negatively and not believe you if and when you reach out for help. And you need to, you need to leave him. From the sound of your op mentioning others treating you like shit, I bet you had an upbringing where you were never good enough and/or your mother was never good enough either. But the only thing that could ever make you inadequate would be staying with this pig and letting him treat you and everntually your precious DD this badly.

My DH was present when DS2 threw a huge stone at DS1 resulting in a bad gash on his eyebrow requiring hospital treatment. He was also present when DS2 fell in a canal...I would never suggest he is a bad parent and still trust him with the children 100% (although, after the canal incident, I am not sure he trusts himself as he was very shook up about it )

These things happen and your DH should not react like that - totally inappropriate and not healthy - sorry.

How is he a 'good' DH exactly? A good partner would never do this to you.

He isn't a good partner, he is abusive, and the longer you stay, the worse it will get.

Ring women's aid, talk to them. Ask them if they think what he's doing is abusive.

Don't just accept his version of events, look at what happens, what he does and says. Would you ever treat someone that way? No, because you are not abusive.

Get help, OP please, for you and your dd.

Bugger me! What a bastard. Accidents happen. One day they might even happen to him.

So sorry

It puzzles me that you're keen to tell us he's a "good dad," when he's clearly perfectly happy to slate your skills as a mother - for something that was clearly an accident.
So, in what ways is he a good dad?