Has anyone successfully lived with and raised kids with P when relationship effectively over?

[lostconfusedwhatnext]

Not sure ours is. If we didn?t have children I would be fantasising about running for the hills. We have 2 dcs, 3 and 1.
I am the breadwinner, DP looks after them. Money is tight (not that tight, but no luxuries), time is tight, everything feels very very tight.
The house is a mess but the dcs are very well looked after.

DP and I seem to have nothing to say to each other and sleep separately (he snores, I am always shattered and need sleep).
He cooks for the dcs before I get back and they eat without me and don?t leave anything for me. I did a mixed wash at the weekend and left the clothes drying on the clothes horse, he put away everything that belonged to the dcs and left mine there. I say these things not because I think he should be my domestic servant, but to show how completely separate he sees me. I don?t mind washing and cooking for myself but I would like to feel a little more included, regarded.
Last night we had a classic row where I got annoyed that things I keep trying to keep tidy by not putting in cupboards that the dcs pull things out of, had been put there, been pulled out, and lost. I spend my life tracking down bits of things and everything is still always lost and broken. We don?t have money to replace everything the dcs feel like playing with and losing / breaking bits of. I asked DP about it and he said I was over reacting and I over reacted to him interrupting me (closing me down, I felt) and went a bit mental and he lost it and shouted at me, cried, and flounced off to bed. I feel like I am not allowed to express things I know to be the truth, like I KNOW he put them in the low cupboard, but the convention is that I am supposed to say ?it was probably me and I hesitate to even mention it, but...? and then apologise for saying it. When I do this he just ignores what I have said. When I say (admittedly with some asperity) ?Please could you not put them in that cupboard, because they?ll get lost? he goes MENTAL.

Right now I don?t care if I never see him again. I need free childcare or I can?t support us. But this relationship is another job that I have to do, it tires me out, and I am still bad at it. Is it possible for us to just agree to differ and get on with our lives, in the same house?
If we break up I can?t afford to support the family. Also, it breaks my heart to think I might have to work like this and not even live with my girls. Destroys me. Tears are running down my face thinking about it.

I had to travel for work recently and I felt so guilty about leaving him for 3 nights with the kids alone. He said it was fine. Now I feel like telling him I have to go away for a night and just finding somewhere else to sleep just to get away from the pressure. I have started lying and that?s not like me. I didn?t tell him my work has offered us summer Friday afternoons off, because to get them you have to work 4 extra hours in the week and if I have to leave at 6.30 am rather than 7.30, in exchange for coming back to the house on Friday afternoons and having to hit the ground running with dinner, laundry, etc, then I think I will just break. I really will. I am so tired. I can?t believe I am saying this, but I am choosing to stay at work on Friday afternoons because I am too tired to get up an hour earlier.
I miss my dcs terribly and I am failing them.

Don't give up work. Hope you are OK.

I agree Draco, most men would be either furious or despairing to find their children suddenly taken by their partner. But perhaps he is as unfeeling about his children as he is about her - it happens.

I don't think there's any reason to believe that notnanny. From what the OP has said, he's a good SAHD to the kids.

To the kids, he's good. But there is a very shady dual standard going on with regard to the way he is treating her. Being kind to Mummy is a very important part of being a good Dad - I would go on to say that you can't be a good parent if you belittle and ignore the other parent.

I've been both. SAHM and sole earner. in my case, with my job, with my kids, sole earner is FAR harder, and far more toxic to the relationship ( search my name for a thread on this). I totally think DP has a very easy, cushy deal. I don't respect him or love him now.
You have my hugest sympathies

I havent read the thread, sorry, am tired and should be working but.....

I tried, well we tried, and it didnt work. It didnt get the the destructive stage you are at, but it was close at times. We both got nasty to each other, needling, picking fights etc. Not because we hated each other but because I think we both wanted the other to take the bull by the horns and say that it wasnt working, and move out. The worst row we had had in our entire married life happened a few weeks before we agreed to live apart (having seperated months previously). It was as if we couldnt quite work out what we were and that made life very hard. We werent together, we agreed that, but then we werent really single either due to our living arrangments, it was really hard. Not married, not single, not happy......

Once we lived apart the boundaries were clear, it allowed us both to date if we wanted to, it gave us privacy we hadnt previously had and the kids were alot calmer and happier too.

notnanny,are you in the legal profession?
I am assuming you are pming each other and advising her.
It sounds to me like you are in too deep here.You do not know everything about their relationship,everything about their finances,and everything about the legalities.it sounds like you need to be careful for your sake,for her sake and for the families sake.
Saying that "perhaps he is as unfeeling about the children as he is about her - it happens",I think shows you are lacking some perspective in this situation.

Haven't read all, but is your 3 year old now eligible for 15hrs free childcare?

If so could you afford maybe 15hrs at a childminders for youngest? If so then partner could work too and you wouldn't be so reliant on him for childcare

amillion of course I'm not a lawyer, otherwise I wouldn't be so unsure about this. Do you have any ideas? And of course I'm being careful, if you read what I wrote in context it's clear what I'm saying.

Read the OP - she graciously says he's a good Dad, but he's treating her very poorly - and that's not being a good Dad.

Saying that "perhaps he is as unfeeling about the children as he is about her - it happens",I think shows you are lacking some perspective in this situation.

Exactly how is my statement lacking in perspective? Do you know this man to say that he definitely is NOT unfeeling about the children? I only said he might be - on the grounds that he treats their mother like crap.

Dad means father,as in father to his children,not husband.Your english words are muddled.
Lawyers dont know everything about every legal issue.

Children grow so fast, though it doesn't seem it at the time, in no time one child will be at nursery then school. DC2 will be toddling, more interesting. DH's SAHjob will be easier.

If you live in a tip for a couple of years it's no disaster.

What do you do at weekends? Do you tell DH he is good with DCs?

Perhaps you are depressed at having to leave tinies and go to work which would be completely understandable. Speak to GP.

Are you unfairly blaming each other for things which are due to lack of money/options rather than individual failings? (though he should leave a meal for you)