Has anyone successfully lived with and raised kids with P when relationship effectively over?

[lostconfusedwhatnext]

Not sure ours is. If we didn?t have children I would be fantasising about running for the hills. We have 2 dcs, 3 and 1.
I am the breadwinner, DP looks after them. Money is tight (not that tight, but no luxuries), time is tight, everything feels very very tight.
The house is a mess but the dcs are very well looked after.

DP and I seem to have nothing to say to each other and sleep separately (he snores, I am always shattered and need sleep).
He cooks for the dcs before I get back and they eat without me and don?t leave anything for me. I did a mixed wash at the weekend and left the clothes drying on the clothes horse, he put away everything that belonged to the dcs and left mine there. I say these things not because I think he should be my domestic servant, but to show how completely separate he sees me. I don?t mind washing and cooking for myself but I would like to feel a little more included, regarded.
Last night we had a classic row where I got annoyed that things I keep trying to keep tidy by not putting in cupboards that the dcs pull things out of, had been put there, been pulled out, and lost. I spend my life tracking down bits of things and everything is still always lost and broken. We don?t have money to replace everything the dcs feel like playing with and losing / breaking bits of. I asked DP about it and he said I was over reacting and I over reacted to him interrupting me (closing me down, I felt) and went a bit mental and he lost it and shouted at me, cried, and flounced off to bed. I feel like I am not allowed to express things I know to be the truth, like I KNOW he put them in the low cupboard, but the convention is that I am supposed to say ?it was probably me and I hesitate to even mention it, but...? and then apologise for saying it. When I do this he just ignores what I have said. When I say (admittedly with some asperity) ?Please could you not put them in that cupboard, because they?ll get lost? he goes MENTAL.

Right now I don?t care if I never see him again. I need free childcare or I can?t support us. But this relationship is another job that I have to do, it tires me out, and I am still bad at it. Is it possible for us to just agree to differ and get on with our lives, in the same house?
If we break up I can?t afford to support the family. Also, it breaks my heart to think I might have to work like this and not even live with my girls. Destroys me. Tears are running down my face thinking about it.

I had to travel for work recently and I felt so guilty about leaving him for 3 nights with the kids alone. He said it was fine. Now I feel like telling him I have to go away for a night and just finding somewhere else to sleep just to get away from the pressure. I have started lying and that?s not like me. I didn?t tell him my work has offered us summer Friday afternoons off, because to get them you have to work 4 extra hours in the week and if I have to leave at 6.30 am rather than 7.30, in exchange for coming back to the house on Friday afternoons and having to hit the ground running with dinner, laundry, etc, then I think I will just break. I really will. I am so tired. I can?t believe I am saying this, but I am choosing to stay at work on Friday afternoons because I am too tired to get up an hour earlier.
I miss my dcs terribly and I am failing them.

Lost, you sound exhausted, literally. The dizziness feeling is very much a symptom. I had a similar experience after ds was born, he didn't sleep for 2 years and I went back to work (albeit p/time) when he was tiny.

It has taken 2 years for me to recover however I'm still not back to full energy levels. I'm not sure what to suggest, ideally you would take an extended break, your dh's depression would be treated and you would both assume more balanced work roles. Swapping roles can be done but it needs effective communication and when you are both tired, low and irritable it just isn't going to happen.

I wish there was a magic wand but do keep posting, I can relate to the pressure you feel as I have worked in a similar culture whilst also being a new mum and it isn't easy.

Some practical steps..how is your sleep now? Are you managing to eat well?

Sleep not great, eating ok
I think dp is a red herring sometimes. I mean it would be nice if he supported me better and didn't interrupt me all the time, but actually I just feel terrible in myself. Our relationship is bad but I am too tired to fix it. I am angry with him for not fixing it himself but that is unrealistic. It will never be ok for me to do nothing, put no effort into anything - that is not how things work - the problem is that I am exhausted, not that work is required of me, that is part of life. It's just spoilt of me to think: just do it yourself, for fucking once, just love me and make me some fucking dinner and listen to me. Really I should be thinking: have another go, make some dinner, sit down and try harder.

So I think the things I have to do are:

1. get the counselling
2. somehow see some friends, I seem to have lost touch with everyone
3. get p to get some work and somehow make the finances work so I can go part time

We will probably have to move to do that, there is no way the money works at the moment

If I won the lottery (which I don't do) I would just buy a house for me and the girls and move into it with them and be happy with them, he could work out when he can take them and where he is going to live and what sort of a tip it is going to be and I would just let him get on with it

honestly I am so confused. Part of me thinks it is insane to split up over dirt and housework. the other part of me just thinks if I had the money I would totally give up and just walk away from all that filth and mess. It really means (in my screwed up head) that he doesn't love or support me, that I have nowhere to call home, not a place like that. but if I had money I wouldn't need love or support from him, I would just have the girls and time to see my friends and time to look after our space (it doesn't take much) and that would be fine. think about work gradually as they start school

what is the point of fantasising

I do feel for you - the effort of working (mental and emotional) is draining you. I do also wonder if you are also 'grieving' the loss of your babies, being away from them because you have to, rather than want to.
How did you and your dh discuss you working and him staying at home? Was it purely a financial discussion? i.e you earned more so it made sense.

It's not sustainable long term if your job is just stressy and draining. There has to be a balance - enough enjoyable work, enough time at home to have fun with your babies, time to sort the irritating household chores and enjoyable time with your dh.

I think you may need to change your life so that you have more time at home but I know it's easy to say but very hard to do (especially in tough recessionary times when job options aren't readily available)

Should also say however - you are at the toughest stage in your life - bringing up young dc's whilst also trying to keep a career going and manage the finances. It's the toughest time and it does test even the strongest of relationships.

Hi OP, I've just read this and this stood out.

It is eating me up that I could lose them because I have to work. It's killing me.

Your children will be sensing this as strongly as you. They are still young, now is the time you can move with them as they haven't got so many local ties. You really can get the hell out of there and make a new start. Give up work even if it means losing your home, you will be able to survive with benefits etc. If you're going to live on the breadline, at least do it on your terms, with your kids.

Please be realistic, you are seriously in danger of losing them if you separate (it seems inevitable by the way things are at the moment) and he has main care of them. Hand in your notice, take charge of your life. You will survive.

What's the counsellor going to say when you tell him that he cooks dinner but doesn't leave you any? They may concoct some rubbish about his male pride being hurt and he needs to work on that... it could go on for ever. This man is not on your side and he never will be.

I should re-write your list as follows:

1.Hand in notice at work
2.Re-connect with children and control of the household
3.See a solicitor
4.Separate and take them with you

Sounds cold and calculated, but this is the only way you will be able to retain main carer status of your children.

You sound like me OP. But in our case we both work - I am just the only one who does any housework

At the moment the only thing that stops me walking away is our lovely house - we only moved in 18m ago and I love it. It's perfect and I don't want to lose it. I jsut want to lose him and this hopeless marriage.

Come on ladies, having a 'house' is lovely, but a home is far more important.

Orm

Do you have children?. What are they learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied; your house may be your dream house but its not a happy home is it?.

Have you sought legal advice re this house?.

Notnanny "It is eating me up that I could lose them because I have to work. It's killing me" I remember that statement, it also hit me like a fork-lift truck. You and Atilla really giving potential positive steps to take.

Thanks Jane, I can be a bit blunt sometimes, but only when necessary (retrospective apologies Orm). I'm an absolute hypocrite though because I'm in a similar situation, only years down the line and wish mine were still little and we weren't so trapped. On the other hand DP has never done anything like cooked dinner and not saved some for me, and I would never do that to him either.

My home is important to me - it isn't as important as a relationship but it symbolizes what I have finally acheived after years of slogging with DH being a deadweight financially. And I'll be buggered if I move out. My other issues is depression which is troubling me at the moment - I might need to adjust my meds but I am resisting that atm. I am not thinking clearly. However I know that we need to change things or he can ship out.

I don't believe that making myself unemployed can be the right thing to do. How can it be? I have worked so hard to gain some sort of employment security, not that jobs are ever secure in my field, but to gain a solid consistent reputation, eventually, after being made redundant 3 times. I haven't gone off sick when depressed, I have hung on when I've been bullied, I have been in tears daily when shattered and exhausted working while pregnant and the second time pregnant with a small child. how can it be the right thing to do to throw that away when this was so hard won? how can it be the right thing for my girls?

I am in tears, he has been such a git to me tonight, he is so dismissive, I am shattered and just want some humanity, some support, he is in his room with the door shut, wedged, watching football on his laptop.

I have a bag packed with some clothes for me, a few for the girls, I will get the rest from their room when they wake up, I have their paperwork and I have emailed my work to say I will not be in tomorrow with a family emergency and we are going somewhere. don't know where yet but I am utterly miserable and am not going to spend another day holding back tears at my desk while I am wondering whether anyone anywhere gives the slightest of shits about me. I am so lonely and so tired and so desperate.

lostconfused I've just read this, sorry I missed it. There are lots of people on here who give lots of shits about you, and your girls do too.

You're not giving anything up - you're gaining time with your girls, and access. Please see the Gingerbread website - they are brilliant at helping with finances and will call you back to go through things if need be.

Do take a break with the girls, make a plan. We'll all be there fore you - well I will be anyway. Trust your instinct. He really doesn't care about you at all - this is so sad. Why do women get treated like this? Time and time again I see it on here.

If the house is in both your names he or you will be entitled to stay there and after 6 months you are forced to sell it if you want to get benefits.

So if he wants to hang about the house all day he can only do it for 6 months max. You will be entitled to benefits if you are not working, and might be able to get support even if you are. We have a welfare state, it's there for times in your life when things are tough - use it if you need to, I'm sure you've paid enough tax in your time to not feel guilty about that.

Hopefully you will be off work for a short while and go back in once you are sorted.

I hope you and dcs are ok this morning OP.

This is an unbearably sad thread, op. I feel for you so much, but also a little for your dh who probably feels an absolute failure. A break from it all does sound like a good idea. Do you know where you're going though? Can you stay with family/friends for a few days? Please take care, I am sure there are many, many people who do care about you and you needn't feel so alone.

thanks everyone

We're all fine, I'm enjoying being with the girls, work are fine with me being away for a few days, everything is ok
probably won't be online much tho. might try to check in and report back but not sure when.
thanks for all your help everyone

That's great to hear - it's really good that your employers are being considerate, too.
I hope that you have a peaceful few days with your dd's and are able to get a little more clarity about the situation while you are away from it all.

Have you and the girls left your DP?

I do believe she has, amillion, for a few days anyway, possibly for good. Partner must be fuming.

Am bit concerned for her legal well being if she has.Dont know about the legalities of this.Am wondering ,if she has taken them,where she would stand legally.

please be careful OP.

I know that things are very hard for you at the moment. But your children belong to your husband as well. Imagine how you would feel if he just disappeared with them. I know you are desperate but think very carefully about how your actions could be interpreted in the future with regard to your DDs and their care. Think twice, and then think again.

I'm not sure about the legalities but they are not separated, she still technically lives in the home. If she were a man and they were separated it would be abduction, but they are not and she's the mother so it's different.

I'm not sure whether because he's a SAHD means he automatically gets residence but I imagine she would get at least 50/50.

This is why my first suggestion was that she should give up work first.

My point was rather more related to the emotional side. She is desperate not to lose her children (of course), but I imagine he feels the same. Any decent parent hates not being able to see their child as often as possible.