DH doesn't like me keeping a journal

[bertiebassett]

Have namechanged for this one...

Bit of background: DH and I are going through a bad patch. Lots of issues (his stress, our communication, my stubborness etc). Have had 6 Relate sessions so far...progress is slow.

Anyway, I keep a journal. Have done for years on and off. I like writing down the things that matter to me and keeping track of them (DCs milestones, my thoughts and emotions, realtionship stuff, my acheivements etc). It's also a way of me making sense of my thoughts IYKWIM. I'm not always great at communicating my thoughts to others and I find it helps to reflect on what I'm feeling.

I've never really talked about my journal until recently (although I'm pretty sure DH knew I kept one!). Something came up in a Relate session where he denied having said something to me a few months earlier, that I knew he had (because I'd written about it at the time in my journal). He got a bit angry that I suggested he said it (not that it was anything particularly horrid!). I didn't make anything of it at the time but a few days later I asked him about it.

It was a bit tricky to bring it up...but I mentioned my journal and said (as nicely as I could!) that I'd written about my thoughts following this thing that he'd said a few months beforehand. I'd brought it up it in the Relate session as I felt it might be relevant/important. Did he really not remember saying it (which was absolutely fine after all we all forget stuff don't we?) or had he just not wanted to talk about it in the session (which again was fine but why hadn't he wanted to talk about it? Was it a very sensitive issue for him that we should discuss in private?).

Anyway he's now realised that I keep this journal and write down down my thoughts. Unfortunately he seems to see it as a place where I write down bad stuff about him/our relationship. I've tried to explain that I write down my thoughts about everything (not just him) and that there's good stuff there as well!

He's really gone off on one about it...this morning saying that it's illegal to write things about other people without their permission...that I'm somehow abusing his human rights or something...

Your thoughts please?

happy thanks for that advice on what to say...really helpful...just have to pluck up the courage to do it now...

I don't think my boundaries were unreasonable. I basically just wanted him to be more respectful and responsible which I felt were the main issues:

1. treat me, DS, my family and friends with respect

2. take on more of the childcare and spend more quality time with DS

3. take responsibility for your own finances etc....all bills split, we do our own shopping, cooking, ironing...

4. only tell me about your work if i ask you (this was an additional one because I was sick to the back teeth of hearing him going on and on about his bloody job )

ponygirl you are indeed my doppelgänger

Exactly the same or me...I never insisted on being treated with respect until this happened. I'd asked of course...and warned him....but I'd never said clearly "if you do not start treating me properly THIS will happen"

Yes probably back to childhood and being brought in a lovely family who hate conflict and just try to keep other people happy who don't want to be seen as selfish.

ponygirl you asked how he'd react?

He will probably get angry first of all. Then say how terrible it will be for DS that I'm breaking up the family. He will play the victim card "how could you do this to me?" He may break down and cry. He will say that we will all end up living in poverty. He will say its all my fault...

Hi BertieB,

I can only echo what other posters have said.

• No, keeping your own personal diary is not illegal, what a silly thing to say. It's something which probably reflects his feelings of insecurity wrt the new you (someone who asks to be respected, who stands up for herself for the first time as you mentioned upthread).

• I think he's trying to control you. His whole behaviour seems to demonstrate how little control he feels he has and how much he's craving it. Which is why he might do the things he does: going silent or not responding to a text when you obviously needed a reply from him. That tiny thing made him feel "in control" again.

• I agree re. mimicking. He's throwing things back at you and messing with your head, Bertie. You then start doubting yourself and end up all confused.

• What he's doing re. DS is not good He's an adult, no matter what's happening between you and him he shouldn't transfer that and treat DS differently or be distant with him.

• The whole "counsellor is biased towards you" and the idea of you keeping a journal to say "bad things about him" sounds like paranoia, doesn't it? He might think "oh she talks to X and surely it's rubbish about me, that I'm the bad guy" etc, especially re. professionals. You mentioned he didn't want to go to the GP as he didn't want to be told he had something in case it could be used against him, IIRC. (A bell rang for me as my mum used to do the same when I was a teenager, then counsellor confirmed it).

• Only you know how bad/tolerable/intolerable things are, and only you know your limit. I think you know things don't seem to be likely to improve. He doesn't seem to be willing to take any responsibility for what he's done/does, and you can only put 50% of the effort in saving a relationship. You've been incredibly patient/tolerant/forgiving. He's not appreciating that at all, Bertie, if he's still behaving towards you and DS in the way he is

Listen.

The guy was looking at No strings Fucks! He's damned lucky he's not changing his name to Wayne Bobbett FFS! He ought to give thanks to GOD that his skiddy pants aren't in a bin bag out the front of the house!

You have EVERY right to be LIVID with him. You have every right NOT to be able to talk to him for a while.

HE HAS NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO TURN IT AROUND AND PUNISH YOU.

From now on, seeing as he will be doing his own thing etc, you can tell your mum to come whenever she wants to, you can decide where and when you go places, and with whom. You can say NO to counselling, to sex, to aggression, intimidation.

You have a RIGHT, and actually a DUTY to live as a respected equal in your own home... or he can FUCK THE FUCK OFF to the VERY furthest side of FUCK.

GET ANGRY, it's your right.

WTF is your counsellor doing when he/she hears all about the website and the NSA stuff? On what planet is that OK?

Remember that his abuse of you, this control, stems from his WEAKNESS, not his power.

he needs to do all this to you to keep you under him.... look at the effort it takes him to keep you down....

Know that the one thing that terrifies him more than anything is YOU. Your power, your strength.

There were a couple of times where my Ex really overstepped the mark. He woke me up at 2am on a work night years ago just to have a go about something he had seen me on telly.#

I threw caution to the wind I was so ffing angry with him. Rather than kick back off at me, he backed down!

He did the same thing not long before he left. Woke me up at 2am, made me go all the way down stairs to ask me something; For me to NOT call him a TWAT.

I simply said 'So you asked me to get up at 2.20am, come down stairs, sit in my cold kitchen to ask me NOT to call you a Twat. Ok then.'

So then I got up and went back upstairs. I was so angry I went into a quiet calm place. Much as I did the first time. I told him not to make things worse by saying a single word to me, and that if he did I would budge our son over in the high sleeper and sleep in with him.

Again, he didn't exacerbate the situation, he totally backed out of any confrontation. FEAR.

"Remember that his abuse of you, this control, stems from his WEAKNESS, not his power.
he needs to do all this to you to keep you under him.... look at the effort it takes him to keep you down...."

Exactly, so so true.

sorry for the delay in replying...so desperately tired I had to sleep...

happy I've been woken up in the early hours to listen to his complaints too...that is crazy behaviour isn't it...

gauchita thanks for your post it helped me to see it all laid out like that. I know I need to do something about this situation...just need to gather my thoughts and build up my confidence now,,,

My ex was violent and abusive, and what did he accuse me of? . . . Being violent and abusive!

Oh poopoo I'm sorry to hear that...was it difficult for you when the relationship ended?

I would like to keep posting my thoughts on here. I think I'm going to need you lovely MNers to help me through the next few weeks/months.

This morning has been strange...DH was quite cheerful and played with DS. Was lovely to see it. He can be very good with DS when he wants to.

However he said 2 things that have stuck in my head that I'd like to write about.

First ....DS is not always a great sleeper, even now (age 4) he wakes up sometimes during the night and always gets up early. One of my "conditions" was that DH take on more of the child care (we both work full time so i think its only fair). Anyway he's now "on duty" two nights a week to see to DS if he wakes and to get up with him in the morning. He often moans about having to do this but does do it without me reminding him.

Anyway, this morning he complained (again) about DS waking up last night (he was on duty).

I agree that it is a pain to have to get up during the night, but it annoys me that he's only recently begun doing it (never did it when until DS was 4!) AND he complains about DS as if he's not there (he was in the car with us this morning).

Also DH said when DS woke up in the night he was asking to see my DM...DS also said to it me this morning...he wants her to come to "his" house and then he wants to go and stay with her...

Later in the car....despite saying yesterday that he was ok or my mum to come up and visit, this morning he says we need to talk about it sometime...have i contacted her yet? I say no i have spoken to her. He then proceeds to say that he doesn't think it's a good idea that she comes up as things are so "unstable" and it might affect DS.

Seems to me that he didn't like the fact that DS was asking for my DM...

Sorry just realised that post probably doesn't make any sense....

Hi Bertie, I think this is another attempt to exert some control. He has no problem with your mum coming, although he thought it right to leave you wondering whether he was ok with it by not replying to your text...control. Now that it would be arranged with your mum to come suddenly 'it'd not be so great for DS' (WTF?), again, control. He seems to want to feel he can dictate what is to happen

What did you say? Was DS with you when he said that?

gauchita DS was in the car at the time....i managed to avoid any specific response as I was aware that my very bright 4 year old was probably listening...

As a long time journal keeper I was intrigued that you had never mentioned your journal to your husband. My husband has always known I keep one and can look at it any time he wants. I regularly read excerpts to him, usually of nice things I've said about him or entries from memorable days. He will ask if he can refer to it when he wants to work out when one of the children met a milestone.

I have always been aware that a journal could be used to control and that any written document is only one version of our experiences as a family. I wonder whether it might be worth reflecting on why you do not feel able to share it with him. I understand it is private reflection for you, but surely your husband is the one person in the world with whom you share all private intimate moments?

He's not thinking, is he? There might be so much anger and insecurity inside that he feels by doing these things he regains some very needed control. He's punishing you Bertie by making you feel nothing is "certain" i.e you had these plans with your mum and now suddenly you might not have them anymore.

Has your mum bought her tickets already? I'd be tempted to tell him they've been bought and she's coming anyway. Does your mum know anything about the current situation?

prize I've never kept my journal a secret. I've mentioned it a few times over the years...he's probably seen me writing it. He's never really shown much interest in it before. When he first mentioned that he wasn't happy about it I did ask if he wanted to read it (as I don't think I have anything to hide) but he said no. Even yesterday I said he could see it and he said he didn't want to....

Morning Bertie, I agree with Gauchita. It's all about control. As Hissy says, he needs to feel in control or else

Could you make a decision about your Mum and tell your DH what is going to happen? Even if that decision is that you'll go and see her instead, since he's indicated he doesn't think it's a good idea? Then it's your decision.

Sorry I've re read my first post and realised i may have been giving conflicting information about my journal. The truth is...i never thought of it as being secret...but i did think of it as private. Im sure that I talked about it to DH (especially when I was writing about DS milestones as a baby and my DF passing away). I remember DH not being that interested so I didn't really talk about it any more.

I'm not sure what to do about my DM. She does know that DH and I are having problems but doesn't know many details. She knows he can be "difficult". She has offered to stay in a b & b if it will be easier....

Bertie, I take it the tickets have been bought, then. Otherwise I was going to suggest what Ponygirl had said, you and DS going there instead. Are you happy with your mum not staying with you? As Pony suggested, I'd make a decision and simply tell him what will happen. Would he be "civil" if your mum stayed with you?

crystals loving that idea!

Prize - I've also kept a journal since I was 13, and although my husband knows it exists, I would NEVER allow him to read it. Much of what I have written pre-dates him and concerns early boyfriends, my first love, body worries etc, stuff I consider extremely personal and nothing to do with him. Sure I'm in an EA relationship, but even if I wasn't he still wouldn't be able to read it. My diary is for my eyes only (although I appreciate that someone wishing me harm could gain access to it if they found it).

Bertie, I think you should make a point of having your mum stay with you. If you go there, sure it'll be easier, but thats what he WANTS you to do. Stand up to him and do what YOU want to do. If you want her here, bring her here. And he can sod off.

gauchita & pony thanks for your replies this is really helping me. I'm feeling very fragile today...loads of work suddenly and soooo tired.

Actually tickets haven't been bought yet. I guessed that something like this was going to happen so I had told DM to wait...

DH was a bit difficult last time my family stayed (dictating which days suited him and then being grumpy when they were here). Main reason for DH grumpiness was that DS was really excited and waking up even earlier than usual! Mind you that was around the time of the website and OW so DH's attention was elsewhere at the time...

If DM stays with us (we have plenty of room BTW) I reckon he'd be civil with her (but avoid her) and shitty with me. I'd feel bad if she did stay in a b & b...she is elderly (mid 80s) and I want to look after her if she travels the 300 miles to get here!

Well if it was private but not a secret that's totally different. I think he's making a fuss over the journal to detract from some rather more important problems of his own creation. Good luck. If he's going to be civil with her and shitty with you then he's a bully.

Bertie, it's not fair for your DM to stay in a B&B just because your H can't be civil (I know you said he would be, but being shitty with you and grumpy in general doesn't make him too civil).

I guess you have two options, if you want to prioritise your time with your mum and don't feel like having to put up with his attitude then you could decide to go to hers with DS instead (if you can I mean, don't know if work would allow you?)

Or you could bring your DM over, let her stay with you and try and ignore him as much as you can (and plan days out with DM so as to have to see him v little). For how long would she stay?