DH doesn't like me keeping a journal

[bertiebassett]

Have namechanged for this one...

Bit of background: DH and I are going through a bad patch. Lots of issues (his stress, our communication, my stubborness etc). Have had 6 Relate sessions so far...progress is slow.

Anyway, I keep a journal. Have done for years on and off. I like writing down the things that matter to me and keeping track of them (DCs milestones, my thoughts and emotions, realtionship stuff, my acheivements etc). It's also a way of me making sense of my thoughts IYKWIM. I'm not always great at communicating my thoughts to others and I find it helps to reflect on what I'm feeling.

I've never really talked about my journal until recently (although I'm pretty sure DH knew I kept one!). Something came up in a Relate session where he denied having said something to me a few months earlier, that I knew he had (because I'd written about it at the time in my journal). He got a bit angry that I suggested he said it (not that it was anything particularly horrid!). I didn't make anything of it at the time but a few days later I asked him about it.

It was a bit tricky to bring it up...but I mentioned my journal and said (as nicely as I could!) that I'd written about my thoughts following this thing that he'd said a few months beforehand. I'd brought it up it in the Relate session as I felt it might be relevant/important. Did he really not remember saying it (which was absolutely fine after all we all forget stuff don't we?) or had he just not wanted to talk about it in the session (which again was fine but why hadn't he wanted to talk about it? Was it a very sensitive issue for him that we should discuss in private?).

Anyway he's now realised that I keep this journal and write down down my thoughts. Unfortunately he seems to see it as a place where I write down bad stuff about him/our relationship. I've tried to explain that I write down my thoughts about everything (not just him) and that there's good stuff there as well!

He's really gone off on one about it...this morning saying that it's illegal to write things about other people without their permission...that I'm somehow abusing his human rights or something...

Your thoughts please?

He's trying to punish you until you comply with what he wants. And the reason he isn't spending time with your son is so he feels hurt and it hurts you to see him like that, so you're more likely to give in and get rid of the journal. And then it will be all sunshine and smiles for doing the "right" thing and complying with his wishes. Until, of course, the next time.

Do you really think he's trying to punish me? I thought he might just be sulking...

I feel so bad.

DS has picked up on it already...happy to see DH in the short periods that he did...but really clingy with me

What are my thoughts? I think he is a dick

So it seems like its a control issue / power struggle?

What's the best way to deal with this? Help please, I have a long bank holiday to get through....

He sounds emotionally abusive. What you're describing is exactly the same sort of shit my ex used to pull. I can just imagine my ex saying that stuff about a journal being illegal!

I think you should out a stop to the joint counselling and start have counselling on your own. As others have said, counselling isn't a good idea if one partner is emotionally abusive.

Yes I'm going to stop the joint counselling...tbh DH has complained about it quite a bit. Says the counsellor is biased towards me!

What do I do NOW though. Do I ignore him back (I'd be just like him then wouldn't I?) or do I keep communication polite but minimal (which is sort of what I've being doing for the past couple of days) or do I confront him (not my style)...

Speaking from experience, if the abusive partner doesn't think they have a problem and will not accept that they're in the wrong, then there's nothing you can do to change them. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and try to disengage from the controlling mind game bullshit.

If you do this, you'll probably find he steps it up a gear. Either by being realllllly nice (part of the cycle of abuse), or worse, by turning nasty or violent.

Your individual counselling will help you to figure out what you want to do.

In my case, I left and never looked back.

Madonnwhore thanks for replying!

I did have some solo counselling before the joint counselling started (different counsellor). It was really useful and it did make me realise a lot of things...

I guess I wanted to give the joint counselling a try...I had hoped that DH would genuinely want to work on stuff. However it seems that it's only me who's actually admitting my faults....he's blaming everybody and everything but himself for his.

It's just so sad when you see the person you loved behave like this....

Oh it's a horrible position to be in. My main advice would be don't waste any more time or energy trying to change him. And don't accept any blame or fault that's not yours (and I bet very, very little of it is).

Concentrate on yourself and what you want. Unfortunately i dont think the penny will ever drop for him.

Oh Bertie your relationship sounds like mine - I told my DP (well actually, now ex DP, I am leaving him and move out in 3 weeks), that I wrote stuff down/kept emails that were important to me, happy ones, sad ones, ones where we'd had arguments , my general thoughts, and he too reacted badly, saying I was weird, that no normal person writes down things said in arguments etc, kept on and on about me having a "special book" etc. He hated it.

He too does the silent treatment.
He too, although a decent guy, can be controllling, punishes me by not looking after DD, or washing up or whatever.
He too thinks our relationship breakdown is ALL my fault, even though I clearly realise that it takes two to create a dynamic and that we are both at fault.
I too have been going to solo counselling to make sense of it all.

As other posters have said, if he isn't willing to work on himself, or see where BOTH your faults lie and can be improved, then I'm afraid it's going to a very hard road for you. You can't fix a relationship on your own.

Well its now been 5 days since he's spoken to me...

The last time I spoke to him about our "situation" was on Thursday morning. He told me his view of my journal and then later than morning phoned me to tell me that he wouldn't be attending various parties/events that had been arranged for the next few weeks. I just said "ok that's your choice. Do let me know when you want to sit down and have a talk about this"....

Not a word since...I'm still talking to him when our paths cross in the house (even offered him food and a cup of tea yesterday) but I'm just being polite and not trying to engage him in any conversation. Im getting grunts back...

Shall I carry on ignoring his behaviour? He's never been THIS sulky before. TBH I'm worried that he's going to explode soon...

I think at this stage OP I would be asking him to leave the house for the sake of your DS.

And keep a note of everything in your perfectly legal diary .

You seem to be very concerned about what you should do.

Look, there's no way to "manage" someone else's behaviour. He will act like a dick if he wants to act like a dick, regardless of how you handle it.

So just do what YOU need in order for YOUR needs to be met. Go about your day - dinner, chores, asking him to do this or that, whatever - as seems reasonable to you. He will react however he chooses to react.

This man will never meet your need for a mutually respectful relationship, by the way. If that is something you need, then you will have to set yourself free to find that respectful man. It ain't this one.

XH kept a big bundle of notes about our conversations, what I'd said or done when etc. He brought it out after I'd called time on the marriage and it seriously weirded me out. However, the difference there was that he wasn't keeping a diary of his life, as one does, in which I obviously played quite a big part, but a collection of notes specifically about me. That was the weird bit. I keep diaries myself sometimes, used to do one every holiday. I did, however, start keeping notes of his behaviour at my solicitor's suggestion so I could show the behaviour was ongoing, and that did feel a bit bad, though necessary. He'd been keeping these notes for 25 years, from when we first started going out. (They were also quite inaccurate, and then he lost them and said I'd hidden or destroyed them. Which I hadn't.)

God, it was Weirdsville in that house.

Is he talking yet?

poopoo yes...he turned up at our counselling session yesterday with a list of complaints about me. Apparently the reason he hadn't been talking wasn't just because of the journal....

We are in counselling because I found out he'd joined a website looking for no strings attached sex....and he had a too close relationship with a woman...

it appears to be my fault

Why are you still with him?

That sort of thing doesn't warrant joint counselling. It requires him not joining such websites and not entering relationships with women.
Or you getting counselling to evaluate whether you want to be with him or not...

lueji I don't really know why I'm still with him TBH...I'm gradually nearing the end of my tether (I asked him to leave 3 months ago but caved in as I felt sorry for him)...

seventh I love that idea of a morning journal! Imagine doing that every day...what an amazing insightful book you'll have!

Sounds like your flogging a dead horse.

He's been looking for sex yet ignores you, forbids you from writing a journal, writes lists of things that are wrong with you and ignores you for days on end! . . . When he should be trying really hard to work things out.

What a twatface!

That post didn't really make sense but you know what i mean!

Your response makes perfect sense to me, PooPoo.

Come on now, Bertie. You know what you got to do. Your ds is being adversely affected by his f's behaviour and it's time for you to step up to the plate and tell the abusive fucker to leave - and this time don't cave in.

It may be that pigs might fly he'll reassess his behaviour and seek counselling for his issues if he's thrown out on his ear, but sure as eggs is eggs he ain't gonna change while he's still got his feet under your table.

I know what i need to do but I'm confused and a bit scared.

He has been making an effort in the past few months...but it hasn't quite been enough to convince me. I don't know why...maybe I'm just stubborn...

I used to be quite passive and go along with what he wanted...since the website thing I've started standing up for myself and saying what I really think. He doesn't like that.

Im only agreeing to go along with things that I want to do. He doesn't like that either. He thinks I should be appreciating the effort he's making and be compromising more myself.