DH doesn't like me keeping a journal

[bertiebassett]

Have namechanged for this one...

Bit of background: DH and I are going through a bad patch. Lots of issues (his stress, our communication, my stubborness etc). Have had 6 Relate sessions so far...progress is slow.

Anyway, I keep a journal. Have done for years on and off. I like writing down the things that matter to me and keeping track of them (DCs milestones, my thoughts and emotions, realtionship stuff, my acheivements etc). It's also a way of me making sense of my thoughts IYKWIM. I'm not always great at communicating my thoughts to others and I find it helps to reflect on what I'm feeling.

I've never really talked about my journal until recently (although I'm pretty sure DH knew I kept one!). Something came up in a Relate session where he denied having said something to me a few months earlier, that I knew he had (because I'd written about it at the time in my journal). He got a bit angry that I suggested he said it (not that it was anything particularly horrid!). I didn't make anything of it at the time but a few days later I asked him about it.

It was a bit tricky to bring it up...but I mentioned my journal and said (as nicely as I could!) that I'd written about my thoughts following this thing that he'd said a few months beforehand. I'd brought it up it in the Relate session as I felt it might be relevant/important. Did he really not remember saying it (which was absolutely fine after all we all forget stuff don't we?) or had he just not wanted to talk about it in the session (which again was fine but why hadn't he wanted to talk about it? Was it a very sensitive issue for him that we should discuss in private?).

Anyway he's now realised that I keep this journal and write down down my thoughts. Unfortunately he seems to see it as a place where I write down bad stuff about him/our relationship. I've tried to explain that I write down my thoughts about everything (not just him) and that there's good stuff there as well!

He's really gone off on one about it...this morning saying that it's illegal to write things about other people without their permission...that I'm somehow abusing his human rights or something...

Your thoughts please?

NiniLegsInTheAir that's a lovely idea of giving your journal to your DD!

I do keep mine hidden so DH will never find it...but that's not the point is it? He did lie in the couselling session when he denied that he had said what I brought up. I don't understand why though. It wasn't anything horrible...it maybe brought the focus onto him a bit too much though?

Mumsyblouse yes I think it's a bad sign too...I can't actually believe that he would say that it's illegal to keep a journal! He's an intelligent man! WTF!

cestlavielife I have actually recently bought the Lundy Bancroft book...and TBH a few alarm bells are ringing...but then I see a lot of those behaviours in myself too...I've got a REALLY bad habit of "eye rolling"

Actually I think he's trying to punish me. I reckon he came out with the "illegal" comment this morning because I refused to give him a hug last night...he asked and I said sorry but no, I'm not ready.

However, I also reckon HE thinks I'm punishing HIM for his previous behaviour (long story) by refusing physical contact...I've explained that that's not the case, I don't punish people. I simply feel that I won't be able to cope with any physical contact until I feel respected and we have re-established a way of communicating that's effective and some sort of emotional connection....

Do I sound unreasonable?

You do not sound unreasonable.

Keep reading Lundy.

Well done on recognising in yourself behaviours that you don't like. Now think: would your H be willing to do that? The difference between you is that he is not willing to criticise, or hear criticism of, his own behaviour. Wheareas you are all too willing to take on blame and guilt. Stop beating yourself up: you have a right to dislike his behaviour and ask for it to change. And to make your own decision about what you want to do next if change is not forthcoming.

HotDAMNlifeisgood thanks for that

I am prepared to deal with my own issues. I always admit my own failings...

The Lundy book is really good - I've folded down so many page corners it looks like a fan now! In fact I'm probably more worried about him finding that than my journal...

Incidently, bertie your relationship sounds a lot like mine, except we're not getting joint counselling (having separately). And I totally agree with you about not wanting hugs yet - my NSDH asks me occasionally and I say no, as I'm not ready for the exact reasons you describe.

He takes my lack of wanting to hug as a personal offront and 'punishment' but I know to give in would mean he saw us as 'being ok' in his head, when we're far from that.

I spoke to my counsellor yesterday about buying the Lundy book and being afraid of him finding it - she said I should show it to him, maybe in the hope it would be a wake up call. Just a thought :)

I spoke to my counsellor yesterday about buying the Lundy book and being afraid of him finding it - she said I should show it to him, maybe in the hope it would be a wake up call.

PLEASE don't either of you do this.

I think your counsellor was very irresponsible to suggest that, Nini. Jesus. Red rag to a highly unstable bull.

Nini I second HotDAMN. his response is unpredictable and usually learning about abuse just gives these men new and interesting ways to behave, none of them good.
Far better to show him a book about "good" behaviour and relationships...he has a brain he CAN see the difference.

You're absolutely right HotDAMN I just KNOW that it wouldn't go down well if he found that book...I reckon he'd turn it around and say that I was the abusive and controlling one...it would just ignite the situation even more

Nini if your DH is like mine then I don't think you should show him....

I am sure there are other read together books but why does he do that is not -

however there are downlaods aimed at men here
shouldistayorshouldigo.net/bonusmaterials.html

"The items below called "Men's Chapter One" and "Men's Chapter Two" are materials that you can print out and give to your partner or ex-partner if he is showing signs of getting serious about working on his behavior and its underlying causes. These materials are appropriate for men who have been poor relationship partners due to addiction, immaturity (including fear of commitment to the relationship), infidelity, mental health problems/trauma, or abusiveness - or any combination of these.

These are modified versions of Chapters 9 and 11 from the book, rewritten to make them appropriate for the man to work with. We recommend that you print them out yourself and hand them to him rather than referring your partner to this website (or handing him the book, which we don't think is a good idea either); we think it's best if he has just the materials that are about his work, in hopes of keeping him focused on dealing with his own issues and not on analyzing yours.
? Chapter One: Your First Steps (.pdf)
? Chapter Two: Men's Work: What It's Really All About (.pdf)

oh and I certainly am the abusive one acc to exp ..

Nini I think your counsellor was a bit of a daft moo to suggest that! I think I did end up showing my abusive XP my copy hoping it would be a wake up call - it was, for me, about the fact he was an abusive twunt and would never change. Not recommended though, he was very scary and horrible and started shouting that I was a horrible liar, smearing his character and would see me in court for custody for DS. Nasty bully that he was.

He does sound emotionally abusive, and counselling isn't appropriate for abusive relationships.

cestlavielife that link is great - thanks so much. I've just a quick scan through the pdfs...

I have to say I'd still be worried about giving him those though...

HepHep that sounds awful...

yep it says to give "if he is showing signs of getting serious about working on his behavior and its underlying causes" ....

Sorry meant to explain more...

I'd be worried about giving him those work sheets because surely they're aimed at men who have admitted they have a problem? At least to some extent....

Sorry cestlavielife crossposted!

Really? Well I can't show him as I havn't bought it yet but based on the unanimous advice here, I won't show him.

Great links cestlavielife.

Will leave these other ladies to surround you with pearls of wisdom. I will add my support though by answering your inital post and saying it's NONE of his business whether you keep a journal or not.

nini when you engage in conversation with someone about their beahaaviours - when they have no intention of changing - they will always turn it around ;make it your fault; make excuses. you cant engage in meaninful conversation with them. "you drive me t oit" "you wound me up" etcetc.
lundy book explains why and how.
eg he gives an anecdote about family getting ready to go out with kids to a party and how the dad' behaviour (refusal to get ready etc) makes everyone late - but somehow it all becomes the womans fault...

read. be informed.
change your reaction and your behaviour - because you cannot change his .

Thanks cestlavielife you're right of course.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I really appreciate it. I will wait and see if he does mention it again...

Might not as he's now come home and I'm getting the silent treatment...

I think he is being emotionally abusive and that you should stop joint counselling. It's just not appropriate when one party is manipulative and controlling.

What is he, the thought police? Your diary is an extension of your private thoughts.
"Illegal" my arse. What a twat.

What a twat!

He's still not speaking to me...and has hardly spent any time with DS today...