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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally messed up relationship with sisters

114 replies

wild · 28/05/2012 21:26

There has always been awkwardness in our family. My two sisters get on very well, and had a very happy childhood. Things were different for me, I don't know why, my mother lost a baby when I was little and I imagine she was depressed. I was the problem child, anyway, and even now we are adults my sisters relate to me in a critical way with lots of undertones, stop contact for ages, take offence. Anyway we are all supposed to be going on a visit to my aunts and it the thought is making me feel sick with nerves, I just can't do the vibes and undertones any more. I am struggling with a work load I can just about manage and two dc on my own. I want to make an excuse to get out of it but I feel bad that I am depriving my dc of their aunts and uncles. My dc don't see my sisters often but they are the only family we have and my ds is particularly fond of one of my sisters. What should I do? put dc first or my own sanity and just stop contact. I know it seems extreme but I have struggled to find self esteem over the years and seeing my family deflates it. Thanks for reading and sorry this isn't too coherent, it's something that upsets me a great deal and is not something I have talked about before.

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 28/05/2012 22:03

You're an adult. You don't need your sisters' approval. If you feel judged when you're around them, stay away.
Life is too short to be around such negative people. Just tell them you're not coming; you're too busy and you're getting stressed so why would you bother?

Original poster

wild · 28/05/2012 22:20

I just did that mushroom. The message wasn't even from them, I haven't spoken to them for yonks it was from my aunt. I feel bad for her sake, she's old and doesn't need to be caught in the middle of it.
As far as I am concerned I feel much better if I don't see or hear from my family. I do feel guilty that I am depriving dc though.
After my parents died I saw an email to another family they'd met on holiday and it was full of oh x and y are so marvellous, wild has always been the problem child. I think they must have said similar to my aunt, too. I was raped as a student and got v upset on my mother at one of my aunt's parties, my mother was totally embarrassed. Yet if you called the family dysfunctional she'd be angry. My aunt's great and I have got to know her a lot better as an adult but the whole family thing is a step too far. It is a dreadful thing to say but I have only begun to develop as a confident adult after my parents died.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 28/05/2012 22:22

If you don't go on the visit oneof your dc may be momentarily upset at not seeing the aunt he is fond of.

If you go on the visit you will be upset before, during, and after the trip.

It's what's called a no-brainer. Give your regrets that you won't be able to go on the trip, stay home, and resolve to have contact with your toxic sisters only as and when you feel completely and totally in control of your reactons to their poisonous needling and niggling - which may be never.

MushroomSoup · 28/05/2012 22:26

Can't you see your lovely aunt without your sisters at some point?

Original poster

wild · 28/05/2012 22:28

thanks izzy - you always speak sense on here, so that's good to hear
(regular but name changed)
I think my sisters would be horrified to hear themselves described as toxic as they consider themselves very much in the right, always. We were brought into closer contact for a while as we had to sort out family belongings etc, even then it was ghastly with each making sure they had more than me. There is no reason to stay in touch any more and it would be a huge relief to me to let go of the whole charade tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

wild · 28/05/2012 22:30

Yes mushroom I've seen her a few times without them and that's when I got to know her. I am really fond of her and I know she would be distressed at my true reasons for cancelling, and probably feel an obligation to act as peacemaker in some way - I wouldn't want her to feel that, she's 80 and not in great health.

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squeakytoy · 28/05/2012 22:33

can you not invent a reason not to go, and go on your own at a different time?

PooPooInMyToes · 28/05/2012 22:35

I agree with seeing the aunt without them. Im so sorry your family have treated you this way.

Original poster

wild · 28/05/2012 22:38

Yup I did squeaky - I don't really have to invent one, I have loads of work to do over half term and have promised dc a couple of outings too! I just felt that it was letting the side down and being weak, and I should go and grin and fake it to avoid hassle. I don't know when I will see them again now. Funeral or christening most prob (one sis is pregnant).

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Original poster

wild · 28/05/2012 22:39

ah thanks poopoo
they don't see it that way though, they think it's me and there are two of them (reverts to age 6 lol)

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Original poster

wild · 28/05/2012 22:44

thanks everyone, I feel a lot better for the support, much appreciated. NN x

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PooPooInMyToes · 28/05/2012 22:47

Its so common for members of families to be put in roles. My own husband is in the role of scapegoat, its so painful for him that he has had to distance himself.

Original poster

wild · 29/05/2012 06:38

yes, v painful pp. For a long time you accept it's because of your self worth. Finding love and support in your own family must be a good answer. I haven't had a successful relationship, it messed me up a lot more than I realised for a very long time. But I do have the lovely dc. The thought that I don't actually need to continue the relationship - it's like a cloud has lifted. It took too many years to come to this point.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2012 07:32

Wild,

re your comment:-
"As far as I am concerned I feel much better if I don't see or hear from my family. I do feel guilty that I am depriving dc though".

Many children now adults who have come from toxic families have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. It has left a damaging legacy.

Wild, you are NOT depriving your DC of anything if you have come from a toxic family. Your role amongst many is to protect your children from such toxic familial influences. They hate you and they will likely treat your children abysmally as well. Your mother has used her other siblings to gang them up against you; she chose to do that. Denial too is a powerful force amongst the favoured golden children but that is a role itself not without price. Your sisters are too stupid to see that though and they are damaged too by the actions of both their selfish and self absorbed parents.

It is grossly unfair of all of them to make you the scapegoat for their inherent ills; the type of situation your describe is sadly not at all unknown within dysfunctional families. You were and remain the innocent in all this. Your late mother had a tough time but that is still no justification or excuse for how you were treated as a child and now adult.

Would visit your aunt anyway and without your toxic sisters in tow. You do not need their approval.

Please look at the thread on here about dysfunctional families called "well we took you to Stately Homes". I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this could also help you too.

PooPooInMyToes · 29/05/2012 14:39

Its messed up my husband too. He has long term depression, low confidence and self esteem. He is on medication which helps hugely! Also is about to start therapy.

dondon33 · 29/05/2012 15:51

Agree with Atilla- you are not depriving your children, you're protecting them OP.
Stay away from "family" situations and take your DC to visit nice relatives when you will be alone. Much more pleasant and less stressful for you OP. xxx

Original poster

wild · 29/05/2012 18:20

thanks attila. It's good just to hear it's OK to be honest. It has taken a long time to get here, I feel like I am just starting to emerge as a person and I do have lots of regrets for the opportunities missed while I was younger, because my head was so fcked. But I will start now! sisters are OK with my dc, not warm but OK - the family is literally just them and my aunt so there are few alternatives. I just had a lovely email from aunt to suggest an alternative date, she doesn't mind at all. So all good there. I feel so grateful for everyone's contributions, I went to bed really optimistic. Also now I can see it I can make sure nothing like this happens to my dc. If a 13 year old is suicidal, that's not a happy family, is it? or that 13 year old's fault?
It's such a relief to say all this. Hope your husband gets past it too, pp.

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Original poster

wild · 29/05/2012 18:21

thanks dondon x

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Dozer · 29/05/2012 19:43

No, of course it was not your fault. You did / have done nothing wrong.

So sorry that you have had some shit in your life.

You will not be depriving your DC. you are making sure they have a happy home. taking good care of yourself is part of that.

Original poster

wild · 07/06/2012 20:32

oh crikey here we go again. Have been ignoring. day before they went to aunts sis and husband turn up, all jolly, out of the blue. Chat. They want us to go to bbcue at theirs in a couple of weeks, I didn't give a yay or nay. Then a text today as it is aunt's birthday contribute to a present, all of us - i agreed. Also a request to take family diary which I have as aunt wants to read. I said fine I'd take when I went to aunt (knowing she's never shown any interest in reading it). No, diary has to go to my sister, as her husband wants to read it??. It's the only thing I have from grandfather, she has all the medals, photos, albums and every time I request a share it's oh, yes, we must (5 years later). If I give her the diary (handwritten) that's it, I'll never see it again. When I mentioned the rest of the stuff she said 'we'll set a date to sort it out' y right. God I wish I'd never said yes to a joint present now and stuck to my own one! how the hell shall I tackle it

OP posts:

sparkybabe · 07/06/2012 20:39

Play her at her own game and say (about the diary) 'oh yes we must get together to share out everything' and then just never do.

Oh and at her dh wanting to read it. why? Is it any of his business?

Original poster

wild · 07/06/2012 20:43

her dh couldn't give a monkeys, it's all just an excuse - the original pretext was that our aunt wanted to read it ... She just wants it back. So she has everything, not just most of it.
I may do the delaying, of course, good idea .. I would have liked a couple of his medals for my kids but it looks like that's not going to happen. I feel sick. Now I own her money for the joint birthday present, I was thinking it was all too good to be true.

OP posts:

Original poster

wild · 07/06/2012 21:09

god it's like fighting a rhino. I gave a vague yes, we'll sort it all out kinda reply. Now she's insisting I'm going a bbcue at theirs and taking the diary! Other sis is conveniently away so we can't sort out the other stuff .... argh
I feel sick sick sick. Next thing they'll be on the doorstep again.
She's got every bloody other thing and I'll probably never see it again. It's so weird, they don't have kids to pass it on to, but she has to have everything.
I told her if she hasn;t already orderd pressie leave it and I;ll do something else, feels petty but there you go. Got curt reply.
I thought they came round the other day out of good feeling, and now I feel it's all issues, why bring diaries up now? She's never going to share the rest, is she. I feel pretty angry about that but gotta let it go. So upsetting, petty but it makes me feel sick.

OP posts:

sparkybabe · 07/06/2012 21:11

Go to the BBQ, eat all the food and drink as much as you can get away with - but conveniently forget to take the diary. If at all possible, take it to your aunts, so dsis has to contact her to get it.

Original poster

wild · 07/06/2012 21:21

sparkybabe you're norty! lol
I feel I'm being a bit stubborn here but I don't want to let go of it. And I really, really don't want to go to a bbcue. We don't like each other.
Maybe I'm being paranoid but she was so insistent about it I am suspicious. Why does he need to read it so badly, now? Yet I've asked a million times for my share of the medals and pics, and nothing.

OP posts:

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