Totally messed up relationship with sisters

[wild]

There has always been awkwardness in our family. My two sisters get on very well, and had a very happy childhood. Things were different for me, I don't know why, my mother lost a baby when I was little and I imagine she was depressed. I was the problem child, anyway, and even now we are adults my sisters relate to me in a critical way with lots of undertones, stop contact for ages, take offence. Anyway we are all supposed to be going on a visit to my aunts and it the thought is making me feel sick with nerves, I just can't do the vibes and undertones any more. I am struggling with a work load I can just about manage and two dc on my own. I want to make an excuse to get out of it but I feel bad that I am depriving my dc of their aunts and uncles. My dc don't see my sisters often but they are the only family we have and my ds is particularly fond of one of my sisters. What should I do? put dc first or my own sanity and just stop contact. I know it seems extreme but I have struggled to find self esteem over the years and seeing my family deflates it. Thanks for reading and sorry this isn't too coherent, it's something that upsets me a great deal and is not something I have talked about before.

i feel a lot less alone with the situation since starting the thread, that's for sure! you're right, it is v immature. From any other adult you'd shrug it off and think what a misery, what's their problem. With your family the patterns are hard wired in. Glad you have one decent sis!

Me too. Toxic sisters. Worse still, they are twins so have an extra bond and constantly gang up. One, I haven't spoken to for 2 years after she told me my father's funeral was nothing to do with me. The other expected a 4 hour drive to pick her up after we had driven 11 hours with 2 DC to meet her and she missed flight. Ignore them. They resent and hate that and my life is much the better for no contact. My other sister suffers similarly from them but we have now cut off ties as our husbands give strength.

Sorry, but just wanted you to know you are not alone. So sad for springy too. At least mine only tried with the children, but failed as my son said, if they make you so sad then they are not very nice and we don't want to see them.

I read a book recently about how it is Ok to hate them and cut them off - sometimes it is the best thing to do. Wild, you are doing really well. "Put" diary in a safe deposit box for safekeeping if she asks.

wild you have been given fantastic advise here, please listen to it, do NOT let go of the diary! You'll never see it again, they will do it simply to spite you.

Your sisters could be my sisters! But i'm the middle one. I am amazed at the similarities, i only staterted to gain confidence and "live" after i married, i still remember the "sick feeling" in the stomach you mentioned when a family meeting is due or visit whatever. Once you break free, they can't handle it.

Kepp your ds away from toxic sister, its all a farce, if she hates you her flesh and blood that much, how can she possibly love your son ? Nip it in the bud.

I know its hard because you lose your whole side of the family and it really hurts, but remeber just how much it hurt when you had them.

Good luck.

Glad you are getting some insight OP.
^ ''wtf do they need me to be in this role for them NOW? they have good lifestyles! we are no longer children! but yy no more passivity"
One of the things I learned about power is that we all need it- the thing is that we have a choice about getting it over other people or from our own actions. Sounds as if your sisters get it over you (and prob from lording over other people too) and you are in the habit of giving it away to them.
When you take it back it makes you stronger, but of course they are going to struggle to keep things as they are....or else diminish you so that they dont feel so bereft 'losing out' to you.

springydaffs....your situation sounds horrible and it sounds like you have got great insight. Hope life has turned around for you.
I found too that I thought I had detached and got away from their games....but when I let my guard down, they were back in with their nastiness. Am ever vigilant since!

thanks for the overwhelming support, and sharing your stories. It has helped me become a lot clearer, and recognise what has been going on. I hope I can pop back to the thread if and when I need to as I feel there is more to come on this. It is very good to feel less alone, thanks so much everyone.

hmmm it hasn't turned around yet, I'm still in shock (the thing with my kids is quite recent). But I have every faith that things will turn around. Eventually.

Life isn't tidy though, is it?

re you telling your sisters you want to cut contact OP. I've been thinking about this: I tend to think that it isn't worth the aggro to make an announcement as all hell will no doubt break loose and they'll hit you with the full arsenal (which is ongoing: you think they've hung, drawn and quartered you and got it out of their system... but no! it goes on and on and on, they're never satisfied; years later and it's still going on...). But the overriding rule in my family is that I am 'forbidden' to speak, and it may be my own stuff thinking that it is better to slink away, to basically withdraw (entirely).

So, is it make an announcement, or is it withdraw??

Wild - if you identify with that link you need to disengage with the sisters ASAP I think. You have plenty of time to come to terms with your new feelings about your childhood and relationships and it'll take time but the important thing is to get space from them so you can get perspective and are not subject to the toxic family dynamics.

Wild and Spingy, some kind of universal stream is flowing between us all and this thread could not have come at a more opportune time for me. There is too much to recount but I know you will recognise yourselves in those episodes as I have seen myself in things you have all described.

I read the link put up to narc parents and the role siblings play in dealing out the justice which I never wanted to see in my family. Following some days of grief and analysing my choices, I have decided to go no contact. I won't make an announcement as it will be like cat nip to them. Imagine their delight at getting to point out my deluded self pity, my inherent victimization view of myself. No way, just slide out of the picture. It won't be noticed for some time. In fact DH and I were talking about perhaps moving abroad with his work to really put a seal on things.

My mother and sisters have interferred to a breath taking degree. Any event that includes me is tarnished by mother and youngest sister. The day I announced my 2nd pregrnancy to mother the response "oh dear, what will we tell DS" who was trying at the time. My mothers face on the day of my wedding was that of a farmer taking a defective donkey for sale. Her face had the look of "hope no one catches us out". she refused to come to my graduation. Having lost weight recently and overhearing someone comment on it in a positive tone chipped in "I have a book on toning up big bellies Lola, you should use it."

The end has come. I don't know what the future holds but heaven help us all it has got to be better than this. So a big hurrah for us, we few, we deluded and forgotten few, lets hope that all our tomorrows do not have the shadows lurking at the edges.

My love to you all

Good description Lola telling about no contact would be catnip. And I don't know if we are a few, I think there are far more people with these issues but less insight or strength to deal with.
To me going no contact allows me to be in their presence [family event today] but not here in my brain IYKWIM

porridge good luck today. no contact gives you choices about what you wish to do. If nothing else

Hi lola, and sorry to hear you are in the same boat but glad the thread's been useful. Moving definitely sounds like a good plan!
Porridge how many people are in this position, but for me, getting to the point where I could admit to feeling this way took a long time as it felt like a bit of a stigma - can't even get on with own family etc.
As for the announcement or the fadeout, my preference is definitely for the fadeout, ... which I had done successfully til they turned up uninvited on my doorstep and then started texting for the darn diary. It's gone quiet again now, but in case of further visits/texts I might one day have to say look, let's just leave it, explicitly. My sister is unbelievably thick skinned and self righteous.
Porridge good luck today. I managed the 'present in body only' thing for a long while too!

and yy, here's to tomorrow Lola! you manage to be very funny about it, even though it is so painful, I have a picture in my head of your wedding!
My wedding was the opposite, they couldn't wait for me to get married even though the groom was much older and obviously unsuitable. I was 21 and said to my mother just before I had serious doubts and she said you can;t have, it's booked and paid for! so I thought sod the lot of you, went through with it. We were divorced a year or so later - they made it clear they were thoroughly ashamed of me for that. One of my major regrets is for not being strong enough to leave before the wedding.

when I left my horrifically abusive husband (hmm where did I get the idea that someone like that would be good to spend my life with ), my family, particularly sisters, were all over him, inviting him to dinners, trips, events. He took my place in the family for about 2 years, at all the family do's etc.

I just can't do that present in body thing, like a plank of wood. It makes me ill. Though I certainly tried to do it 'to keep the peace'.

THOUGH NOT MY PEACE, THAT'S FOR CERTAIN. (yy shouting but warranted)

They said they were entitled to spend time with whomever they choose and I was being controlling by dictating who they could be friends with.

they.are.fucking.insane

Op stay strong, I have a toxic family too, sister told family I stole money from her, admitted to me it wasn't true but won't tell anyone else as that would alter the scapegoat dynamics of our 'family'. Not having a relationship with her is upsetting sometimes but ultimately so much better for my mental state.

Springy, the same thing is happening to me, I left my abusive partner, stayed in a womens refuge and had a restraining order granted against ex. Mother stood up for x and supported him in gving statements against me (I'd not spoken to her for 2 years previous to that so she made stuff up etc), and while family now support him and have no contact with me - I'm the awful person and poor toxic mother and abusive ex are the wronged party according to everyone!! I have found a strange comfort in reading your posts, like I'm not the only one and gives my story more integrity IYSWIM, stops me doubting myself.

Wild,I agree there's lots of stigma in not even able to get on with family. And fear of what outsiders think of me. And knowing that family would blacken me to any outsiders who ask.
Springydaffs, DMSpy I recognise the standing up for abusive ex, their seeming to feel that he couldn't have caused the relationship breakup, wasn't he wonderful to put up with her.

Am on iPad in my car ATM giving myself some head space. Lunch started without me as I was clearing up glass that darling nephew broke as it was being served. Decided not to be pissed off, just being a plank.
(sorry to hijack Wild)

A lot of this is recognisable to me. My dad encouraged my abusive x to take me to court (vexatiously) and my mum gave him her number to call for support and meddled in contact arrangements.

yup the plank thing had begun to make me feel that way too springy, I just couldn't face another family outing!
supporting your ex is just vile, springy and dms. There were undertones of 'how good they are to put up with wild' in my relationships - not quite that extreme though. I do recall telling my mother about a row I'd had with ex and she thought that his slapping me (hard enough to split my lip) was understandable in the heat of the moment and under provocation, she found that he'd kicked me in the stomach 'a little worrying' though. Can't believe I'm writing this now, at the time it all seemed fairly normal.
I guess it makes sense that some of us chose unsuitable partners ...
Porrige it's no hijack! dms makes a good point - hearing other people's stories is v validating, even if I wouldn't wish anyone else to go through it. (are you home yet? )
offred sorry it's happened to you, too. The link was great.

Thanks Wild ...am home and kids in bed. They had a lovely day with their cousins (my sisters' children).
Re family/parents/'D' sisters siding with abusive twat ex-h. I can remember, while pregnant with DC2, my sisters and mother in a semi-circle around me literally shouting at me about an issue. My then 'D'H standing behind me. 'D'M going around me to plead with him to get me to 'see sense' (ie see it their way).

After they had all left, I texted them to apologise for the row- in my mind opening a dialogue to sort out the issue. Not one of them acknowledged the text or apologised for stressing me.

Fast forward some years to when one of my sisters was pregnant with her first- cue minor row about some issue and I was told not to raise my voice at her in her condition.

I took on that I was wrong no matter what and I carried this into my choice of husband. No greater recipe for being a twat magnet.

I am an exhausted plank

Hello Plank friends. Yep to supporting arsehole ex's. When DD1 father walked out with no explanation my mother wondered aloud how he had stayed so long and that it was no wonder he left. Then when he did show up some 11 years later, Mother goes ape on him saying she raised his daughter for him....
Oh dear.
The thing about the stigma, not getting on with your family is an interesting angle. We are nothing without a family, or so we are led to believe. It is what keeps us within a family because the world outside is too scary to be alone in. To let go of your family seems like a dramatic thing to do but unless you can fully explain the reasons best not to say a thing on the subject.

I do wonder though, who they are going to pick on now. My brother has pretty much removed himself from the family as well. On the up side I am quite excited really at the prospect of not having the sick feeling when visiting. The stone in the pit of your gut waiting for it to start. So thats a nice feeling for a Monday morning.
What won't you miss from family get togethers?

Lola - I fell out with my father after he treated my mum appallingly at their divorce. Haven't seen, spoken to or contacted him in nearly 20 years.

Fell out with stupid, selfish and immature sister a few years ago when she criticised my parenting skills - she is the best mother, despite doing exactly what i did,(split from exdh when dc were teenagers) but she split from her ex when her dc were 3 and 2. And lots of other htings too.

Don;t see brother cos he lives 300 miles away, neither of us bothering to keep in contact.

Thats my entire family really, tho Mum is still lovely.And luckily I live miles away from the rest of them too.

Is it me?

My father died when I was 8. There has been no buffer or balance to her in all that time. Think that is why she is a damaging as she is. His death only happened to her. We children were another curse she was landed with. Threatened us with boarding school, orphanage any thing that would scare us shitless. She once told me I was adopted, that the papers were in the attic. she thought it was funny. She once said that she should have been an alcoholic and then we would know about suffering. Our pain or grief never mattered. ever

I had to give details of next of kin today. I left it blank. They came back to me though, asking me for next of kin: 'is there someone? No??! What, no-one??!' and I said (as I am good at being a plank of wood): 'No'.

I didn't mind today - I am tired of covering up tbh. In the past I would've minded terribly, but I don't now.

One thing that I have been feeling a lot of stress about: if I died suddenly, my family would have access to my house, I assume. I've been planning to get something legal in place to prevent them access. A woman on here was sectioned and her revolting, toxic mother got access to the woman's 'estate', making very damaging decisions. I don't want to be in a position like that

...not that I've been sectioned, which is a miracle tbf...

You need to be very clear in your will, making clear who the executor is. don't know what happens if you get sectioned though, you are a ward of the state or something like that. Shivers.

do you have a significant person like a friend to name as next of kin?