Totally messed up relationship with sisters

[wild]

There has always been awkwardness in our family. My two sisters get on very well, and had a very happy childhood. Things were different for me, I don't know why, my mother lost a baby when I was little and I imagine she was depressed. I was the problem child, anyway, and even now we are adults my sisters relate to me in a critical way with lots of undertones, stop contact for ages, take offence. Anyway we are all supposed to be going on a visit to my aunts and it the thought is making me feel sick with nerves, I just can't do the vibes and undertones any more. I am struggling with a work load I can just about manage and two dc on my own. I want to make an excuse to get out of it but I feel bad that I am depriving my dc of their aunts and uncles. My dc don't see my sisters often but they are the only family we have and my ds is particularly fond of one of my sisters. What should I do? put dc first or my own sanity and just stop contact. I know it seems extreme but I have struggled to find self esteem over the years and seeing my family deflates it. Thanks for reading and sorry this isn't too coherent, it's something that upsets me a great deal and is not something I have talked about before.

Hi Wild,

re an earlier comment of yours:-
"wtf do they need me to be in this role for them NOW? they have good lifestyles! we are no longer children! but yy no more passivity"

This is because they still want the power and control over you, this does not stop simply because you are now adults. They are also dysfunctional and people who have come from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your late parents failed you all utterly; they were also part of this dysfunctional and created it within their own family.

Do not give this lot the diary; you will never see it again if you do so. The husband wanting to read it, pah its all crap. Its not so mucn about the diary as it is about power and control again. I would not think they will easily settle for a photocopy of it either; they will want the original document and will give you a hard time.

Would seriously consider going no contact with all of them in any case; they bring nothing at all positive into your life and your childrens lives as well. It is your job to protect your offspring from such toxic influences like your dysfunctional sisters. As I mentioned before the "golden child" role was placed on them by their parents, it is a role not without price but they are too stupid to realise that they are also damaged individuals.

Do you relate to this parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html?

that link is about narcissistic mothers though Offred? Is the idea to convert the info to narcissistic siblings??

I see you on the Sicily thread, wild . Yep that's it, as far away as possible

Yes, but I think it could fit for the mother being narc and the sisters also being narc now because they were golden children and she was scapegoat.

in my situation my sisters would argue that I was the golden child - or, at least, they certainly sniped endlessly about it. My mum has been curiously silent/blind about the family abuse towards me. I have always suspected, and events have recently transpired, that my mum was complicit in my chosen role as the family scapegoat: she took great care to oil the nails on my cross. I recently climbed spectacularly off the cross and my mum has gone ape absolutely fucking APE . The abuse I've been getting from my sisters all these years is pouring out of my mum's mouth re lots of vicious and extremely damning accusations re total condemnation of me as a person. Because I refused to carry on carrying the family cross, I assume.

so it's not so simple sometimes....

I think as well, just in case they turn up for your birthday at your house and mention the diary then, I would lie through my back teeth and say you've lent it someone for something, eg "sorry it's at school, college, Uni etc - friends daughter needed it for her dissertation, project etc, not to worry, I'll get it back" only use this though if the "no" bit of being a complete sentence fails you.

Sounds similar springy! I think maybe your mum is narc too, made sisters narc and let them run the empire for her. Now you have extricated yourself she's showing true colours. Would think it unlikely she has learned from sisters and much more likely both sisters learned from her!

actually, the whole family is going NUTS since I climbed off the cross (I had thought I'd done it years ago but apparently not - not entirely, anyway. They still thought I was on it. Now they know I am not). So all these years it's been under wraps. And now the gloves are OFF.

sorry for hijack OP. But you may recognise some of this...

I prepared a long reply earlier and my bb cut out.
Attila, you are right, it's not about the diary, not really. And yes I will hang on to it, it's all I have of the family history to pass on to my dc. And if they turn up asking for it, I'll use the excuses they have used over the years to me, in the loft, in storage etc etc - they've managed to hang on to everything for 5 years. Including, incidentally, a lot of other albums which I'm sure my brother in law would enjoy reading
offred your link made my blood run cold. My recollections about my childhood aren't clear, but there were some chilling parallels. And things I've just remembered - like my ex telling me in an argument that even my own mother couldn't stand me ... she'd cornered him one xmas apparently, and given him a run down including things I'd never told him. By the time he said this she was dead and my father said she'd have never talked about me maliciously, just to 'protect' me ... I always thought my ex was exaggerating it to hurt me, but maybe he was telling the truth. Will never know now. Lots of things, looking back, that seemed normal but weren't - them going on holiday without me (my choice apparently) from age 15 on - the hand me downs, the general branding of me as difficult, neurotic, over sensitive, trouble in short ...
I never grieved for my mother when she died. That is odd, too I suppose. Dad and I got to know each other a little better as adults, fortunately, but he was already quite ill, and any time I got close to him the sisters (esp the diary one) would intervene, coming into room when we were talking and getting upset, asking him leave visits to my house early ...
It's all pretty sht when I write it down. And yet to the outside world my sisters are successful with lovely homes, husbands, good careers and I am a lone parent who sometimes struggles. You wouldn't think they needed to put me down, would you?
Sicily, ah yes. (is also land of The Godfather .... ...fortunately I don't keep horses)

btw OP, there is not point thinking you can appeal to their 'better side': there isn't one. The only side they want is you on the cross where they can kick you and beat you about, nothing else will suffice. The ONLY thing is to disengage. For me that has meant breaking all contact once and for all.

oh, and if you have anything as outlandish as having an opinion, or make any indication that you may be a human being, you'll see their fury.

bitter, moi?

springy I think your situation is a bit similar
my sisters have noticed I don't give a monkey's anymore, and they don't like it
I can really do without the aggro, however.

yup the look on my sister's face when I said I was thinking about a Masters said it all, really
I think she is jealous. Which is utterly bizarre.

x-post

but had to say to this: And yet to the outside world my sisters are successful with lovely homes, husbands, good careers and I am a lone parent who sometimes struggles. You wouldn't think they needed to put me down, would you?

SNAP!

crikey springy, it sounds like there are a lot of similarities!
for years I coped by detaching and moving away, it's just more recently that I came back, after parents died etc, and I have had more contact with sisters because of that I guess
If parents were alive I could well be in your situation
Hoping things improve for you and we both get the confidence and self esteem back that was knocked out of us over the years

bleurgh - my sisters can't bear it that I'm bright (one thing about being a scapegoat, or general victim of abuse, is that you get very good at reading signals/themes... which is a handy skill in academia) and can't resist a curled lip and a bout of sneering if they hear of any of my academic achievements.

and, as we're into a bitch-fest: my other sister is an art snob - she collects originals. As it happens, I managed to buy an original etching by one of the masters - which, frankly (though def not intentionally!), puts her hoard in the shade. She has never looked at it and recently sniped 'havne't you sold it yet?', sneering down her snotty nose. The idea of selling it has never been muted.

Here's what it's like being a scapegoat: they truly and genuinely, hand on heart, think they own you; that you are their property.

so when you show them that they don't, actually - they react with fury?
I think I am getting it! how can I have been so dim, so eager to please, for years!
I used to be bright, too. I know it does my sister's head in as her teachers used to compare her with me, which can't have been nice - why do teachers do that?

I also had some time away from them but the 'family split' was making our mother ill (.......) and so I, feeling pretty ok about myself then, went along with contact.

I went down the pan so fast it was shocking and very confusing.

Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat (to them). You just can't afford to be around them or have any contact with them imo.

oh gosh, teachers used to compare me to my sister too! we were born on the same day, if that gives you an indication of how fucking stupid it was of our teachers to do that.

I've also spent my entire life apologising to said same day sister - in action, mind. I've been crawling about like a dog all these years. No more

yes there is really no reason for me to see them. the only issues for contact are - younger sis is expecting a baby this summer - I'll send a card for that. my birthday - they'll probably 'pop' round with chloroform and a swag bag and any issues with aunt.
I am capable of telling them I don't want to see them (I think). Things are on the up for us, finally. I don't want to jeopardise that. Life's too short for poisonous people, even if they are relatives.

springy are you the older sister? I am

I am the eldest of three girls and also face the negativity and 'undertones' from my family that comes from being the first born to my mother when she was trying it out 'the first time round'. You have my sympathy.

Do you not get on with the one your sister your sons likes best better than the other one? If so it may be worth working on.

i also feel that there is a bit of stigma asscoaited with being the scapegoat 'bullied' one when you are the eldest and also don't know what to do about that. again. many sympathies.

yup, that's me ethel
the nearest my mother came to an apology was 'it's harder with the first one'
the sister my ds likes most is the one who really seems to dislike me! so, probably not. He also loves her husband and we lack male role models, so it is a pity. I expect when he is older he can make contact of his own accord though what springy said happened to her family has made me wary about this.

exactly! you feel you should be strong and supportive, instead of the reverse. I tried really hard to support my sisters after parents died but they weren't having any of it. They sneered at the meals I cooked them and criticised everything. I used to dread seeing them.

@springydaffs i just had a therapist (for unrelated situation) say that I was very very good at picking up 'undertones'. I am bright, but consider my ability to detect bullshit a bit of a curse thb. Though I did become a journalist....

@wild sorry to hear that. i hate the dynamic. I actually get on well with my youngest sister who is in her late teens. But middle manipulative cow bitch and mum snidly drop into conversation how much more evil cow does with nicer sister.

Its one of the criticisms "ethelb was never a good big sister, unlike manipulative cow bitch"

It feels like being back in the playground with the bitch 9 year olds. Don't know what to suggest I am afriad. Battling with a less severe situation myself.