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Original poster

How can I stop thinking about this man?

85 replies

HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 09:22

Have name changed and think prepared for the flaming I'm probably about to get.

I can't stop obsessing over my (and DP's) married friend.

Have known him and fancied him like rotten for 9 years. He tried to kiss me 8 years ago, just before I was about to leave the country for a year. I said no as he had a gf who I knew. Anyway, life happened. He has been married 3 years, I've been with DP 5.5 and we got engaged 6 months ago. Throughout whole time have fancied our friend and often fantasise about how our life would be if we were together.

Other than this, life with my DP is good. We have our ups and downs but muddle along nicely. Lately my obsession seems to be getting worse to the point I almost feel as if I'm being unfaithful.

How do I stop these thoughts? I've tried avoiding my friend, which minimises them to some extent but when I do see him again they just come back even stronger. Have also tried really hard to focus on his flaws when I am around him but this doesnt work either.

He is a firm fixture in our friendship group so permanent avoidance isn't really a practical option. this also means that I can't really talk to my friends for fear of how i feel 'leaking' out.
I think I'm in love with him. It's awful and I just want to make it go away or just sod it and tell him so that I don't have to hide it anymore.

Can anybody help? Anyone been through this and managed to get over it?

Just to clarify, although we have great chats and there's clearly chemistry, I am under no illusion about the fact he is taken and that I can't have him. I also love my DP and feeling this way is tearing me apart but I don't know how to make it stop.

Help!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 27/05/2012 09:43

Hi Holly

I have not been in your situation but have a thought.

Firstly a question. When you fantasise about him are you imaging sex or a life with him?. If you are mostly thinking sex then that is something to think about. That you are physically attracted but not in love. That may help.

Also when I have very negative thoughts I try and cope with it through something I call thought bombardment. Basically when ever I think something I shouldn't I make myself think about something else. So for example ( I did not have good self esteem when younger and a mother that helped that) if I thought something negative I would think to my self 'no I am not going to think that any more look at the beautiful day or funny dog or whatever' I would do that as many times as I had too.

So while your situation is clearly different it may help that whenever you catch yourself thinking something you shouldn't you can say to yourself 'no, stop that, that isn't helping. I wonder what is on tv, or how many sheep are on the field'

This may, or may not help you. It worked for me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2012 09:48

I think this is more than a harmless crush. You don't say if the feelings are still reciprocated eight years on but if there's any chance he still feels the same way, you're risking a lot of people's happiness. The only thing that cures crushes tends to be time and distance. It may cause you a lot of inconvenience but, if this situation really is 'tearing you apart', I think you're going to have to come clean to your partner, tell them why you can't be part of this friendship group any more, and then ask for their help keeping your distance, making new friends, working on your relationship etc.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 10:07

Aussie, to answer your question, it's about our life together, rather than sex. I also hate myself for this but when I think about having children, he is the default father that comes into my head before I force my DP into the picture instead Sad

Have been trying the bombardment thing but if I'm honest, probably only halfheartedly Blush. Will start really working hard at it.

Appreciate the logic of avoiding the friendship group but these are our mutual -my only friends, of 10+ years. Don't want to lose them. Sad

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 10:11

Is your DP the right man for you, regardless of this friend?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 10:23

Interesting question hive. I think that if my friend didn't exist, there's nobody I'd rather be with than my DP.

That said, they are quite different so maybe this is telling me something...

I am very ashamed at the realisation that if my friend said today, "Holly, I feel the same, shall we do something about it?", I'd say yes without thinking twice.BlushSad (I know he's not going to, just that that's what my answer would be)

When me and DP are at home just the two of us and I'm not having the thoughts, I am happy. It's just that the thoughts are becoming stronger and more frequent. Blush

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 10:25

Do you feel like you know the friend well enough to be sure that you arent having a romanticised view of him?

Could he be feeling the same way as you?

Sylvana · 27/05/2012 10:31

I agree with Cogito. The more you see this man the more you are feeding the need. I have been in this situation, a mutual attraction that has lasted more than twenty years, it has never gone away, but I made the decision a few years ago to avoid this man for the sake of my sanity. It has worked. I still think of him but not obsessively like I use to. I know we loved each other from afar but it was never meant to be and I'm o.k. with that (now).

I also tell myself that the fantasy is always better than the reality. If we had got together all those years ago our life together now would probably be very hum drum, the spark and excitment would be long gone, we'd be married just for the sake of it. I tell myself that because we never got together, I will always remain an enigma to him and I will always hold a special place in his heart. It sounds deluded but thinking like this has helped me a lot.

If you keep seeing him you will never get over him.

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2012 10:31

Do you and your fiance have children together? I think he's getting a raw deal - I can't imagine how mortified I'd feel if I knew my partner was marrying me wishing I was someone else.

I think these feelings might be telling you that your partner isn't right for you and that you need to let him go.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 10:41

We know each other pretty well. I can see flaws but nothing that helps me stop thinking about 'us'.

I try not to spend days wondering think about whether he might feel the same way (doesn't work though). Even if he does have some feelings for me and I know his marriage is not perfect (she doesn't want kids, he does and she hates finds it hard to get on with his parents who he adores - have never understood this as they are lovely), I don't think he'd leave as he's committed to her. I respect that. I know I can't have him.

Just want to snap out of it but it's been rumbling on in my head for years and is getting out of hand. It's all I seem to think about Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 10:44

None of us have children.

Maybe some CBT would help me. Anyone got experience of it? Did it work?

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 10:46

I do feel a bit sorry for your DP reading this, and that isnt to criticise you, but he presumably doesnt know that he is coming 2nd in your head to this friend.

You dont know that you and the friend arent both feeling the same way but not daring to say.

hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 10:49

Im not sure if CBT is the answer here. It depends on what result you are looking for. Are you really thinking of having therapy to try to convicne yourself to stay with a man when there is someone else that you know well and would rather be with? One possible outcome of CBT could be that you decide to leave your current DP - would you be prepared for that?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 10:50

I feel sorry for DP too. And just so ashamed of myself.

Sad
OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 10:51

Dont feel ashamed. You cant help how you feel. But if this really is how you feel, and not just a temporary crush, then why do this to yourself?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 10:53

I know nothing can come of these feelings. I just want them to stop so I can get on with building a life with DP. I don't want to leave.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/05/2012 11:17

You can't get married for sensible reasons. Your full heart has to be in it.

2to3 · 27/05/2012 11:35

Do you know this other man well enough to know he'll make a good partner? If not you could find yourself alone in the end, if you left DP and found that you weren't as suited as you'd hoped. Might help to think through all the boring practical details of living out your fantasy of being with this man. Would it really be as amazing as you imagine? Could you handle hurting all those other people? What if he turned you down? Would you miss DP? Etc. A reality check can help to get rid of silly fantasies, if that's what you're going through.

It's easy to maintain a crush on someone you've never been with properly/smelt their morning breath and seen what they're really like to live with. I'd try to avoid the guy until your engagement comes up and focus on being happy with your DP. Maybe you're having a case of cold feet? If you're still feeling like this in six months time, it might be time to woman up and let DP go. That way you'll be free to pursue other relationships, and the other man can decide for himself if he'd like to be with you instead.

Sallyingforth · 27/05/2012 11:45

You need to swallow hard and tell your partner. To go ahead with engagement/marriage/children when you are holding back such a large secret is just wrong.

Your DP must know about this before you go any further, or your guilt will burn you up and destroy the relationship. Better to let him know now, and you can decide together whether you have a future.

jazzchickens · 27/05/2012 11:49

If you reversed the situation and your DP was having these thoughts about this man's wife - would you go ahead and marry your DP?

Lueji · 27/05/2012 11:53

What kind of flaws?

SirSugar · 27/05/2012 11:54

Its no use trying to block feelings. I guess you may well be in love with him.

I met my DP 26 years ago, he was married, I got married, I became widowed, His marriage ended. However, despite thinking we could not be together I always felt I wanted to be with him, never thought about sex, just being with him. We lived together now for nearly two years and its wonderful.

With hindsight, my marrige was a disaster and I knew before I walked the aisle it wasn't wise. I just never felt about my H what I do for DP - I love the man and have loved him for years.

Life is short, don't settle for second best. I would rather have no relationship than a substitute.

Sittinginthesun · 27/05/2012 12:00

Just wanted to say that I think this is just part of life, I'm afraid. I'm a cynical old thing, and probably too pragmatic, but I think people wander through life having these feelings.

I absolutely loved a man I met at college. We couldn't take it further for numerous reasons, and we ate both married to other people and have children now.

I still love him, but also love my DH, and that's just the way it is.

My DH also has odd "obsessions" when he fancies people, but he would never do anything, and we just laugh about it.

Of course, this is because DH and I are secure in our relationship, and are 100% committed. I think, in your position, it depends on how committed you are to you partner and whether you are happy to prioritise him over everything else.

jazzchickens · 27/05/2012 12:08

I am very ashamed at the realisation that if my friend said today, "Holly, I feel the same, shall we do something about it?", I'd say yes without thinking twice.

Holly I think ^^ that sentence says it all. If you would prioritise this man over your DP - you should not be getting married.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 13:12

Ouch. I don't want to lose everything because of these feelings. I think I need to talk to someone to understand why I'm having them and what they mean e.g. am I programmed to push destruct when things are good?

Answer to question re flaws - nothing major, just the usual man stuff like tidiness standards etc.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 27/05/2012 13:17

Sometimes this happens to get you out of an unsuitable relationship. IIt doesn't necessarily mean you will be with this man just that you will be free to pursue these feelings with others iygwim. I think you love your partner but the spark has gone and you aren't in love with him Sad