How can I stop thinking about this man?

[HollyGoSpritely]

Have name changed and think prepared for the flaming I'm probably about to get.

I can't stop obsessing over my (and DP's) married friend.

Have known him and fancied him like rotten for 9 years. He tried to kiss me 8 years ago, just before I was about to leave the country for a year. I said no as he had a gf who I knew. Anyway, life happened. He has been married 3 years, I've been with DP 5.5 and we got engaged 6 months ago. Throughout whole time have fancied our friend and often fantasise about how our life would be if we were together.

Other than this, life with my DP is good. We have our ups and downs but muddle along nicely. Lately my obsession seems to be getting worse to the point I almost feel as if I'm being unfaithful.

How do I stop these thoughts? I've tried avoiding my friend, which minimises them to some extent but when I do see him again they just come back even stronger. Have also tried really hard to focus on his flaws when I am around him but this doesnt work either.

He is a firm fixture in our friendship group so permanent avoidance isn't really a practical option. this also means that I can't really talk to my friends for fear of how i feel 'leaking' out.
I think I'm in love with him. It's awful and I just want to make it go away or just sod it and tell him so that I don't have to hide it anymore.

Can anybody help? Anyone been through this and managed to get over it?

Just to clarify, although we have great chats and there's clearly chemistry, I am under no illusion about the fact he is taken and that I can't have him. I also love my DP and feeling this way is tearing me apart but I don't know how to make it stop.

Help!

Rejection by your friend might actually be helpful in helping stop the fantasy.

Holly, I wouldn't recommend asking him, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. If he felt the same - you would know. If you haven't got any signs from him after 9 years then it doesn't sound like he feels the same.

Dozer, I think you are right but as Freak says, he probably doesn't feel the same so seems futile asking.

Just want him out of my head!

Have made myself busy for most of the bh weekend so I'll only get have to see him once or twice.

Am really trying with the distraction thing when I start to think about him. It doesn't really work works a bit...

Am researching local counsellors as think I probably need to work through what all my feelings (and their timings) might really be telling me.

Thanks so much everyone btw for being so supportive. I thought I was going to get a proper telling off

Agree that he probably isn't interested, and that telling him would be high risk.....counselling is probably a good idea, hope it helps.

Have been in the same situation. I was infatuated with my friend for 8 years knew him for 4 years prior to falling for him. I got with DH about 9 years ago. My friend and I were never single at the same time, apart from once, shortly after I split from my ex - my friend was my ex's best friend and I didn't want to do that to my ex while everything was still so raw. So I know he felt the same, at least for a time. Once, soon after I was married, and while he was single, my friend sort of made a move, or if not a move, there was certainly a lot of staring into each other's eyes and if I'd moved there would have been a kiss, I am certain of it. But I walked away - I owed that to my marriage vows, and even drunk I don't want to be the sort of person that cheats. Had I not been married, had my vows not been so important... who knows.

It's been a lot of internal torment and agonising. I nearly called off the marriage two months before the date as I was feeling so torn. I told myself it was just a crush, I valued my friend more as a friend than risking a relationship that might fail and losing DH to boot.

DH has no idea. My friend has no idea. My best friend has been a shoulder to cry on, but it has been better when I've not been self-indulgent and just tried to keep my mind off it. When I caught myself thinking of him I'd think "you're thinking of him, now stop it". I've managed to 'wean' myself off him. It's been a long process. We only see each other a couple of times a year now. I used to get a real 'butterfly' feeling when I saw him, but I don't get that now. "Is this fair on DH? Would I behave differently if DH was here?" has been my benchmark for behaviour.

But now, here I am, more certain than ever that DH is the love of my life. He was the right choice for me. He gives me everything I need in a partner. My friend? He's wonderful. But he represents an 'other' path for me, one that is linked to my heady teenage years and all the excitement and possibilities that entailed. Life once you've settled down is dull, and my previous relationships have been a bit, shall we say, firey. There are no screaming rows with DH, we talk things out like grown-ups. I think for a long time, I equated passion with drama, but that was immaturity on my part. Also, it was important to me that he thought I was attractive, as my self-image is largely validated by the opinions of others.

If you love someone, set them free. Your friend is free to make his own choices. Look to his happiness. If he wanted you, he'd have told you. He's married. He's happy. If you are having doubts about your DH, then by all means talk them through with a counsellor. I don't know that telling your DH would help until you understand what it is you are looking for by looking elsewhere to find it. In the meantime, don't put yourself in your friend's way more than you have to and try not to over-analyse everything he does/says/might think. When you do see him, think of it as a de-sensitisation process rather than getting your kicks out of being in his presence. Don't give more headspace to this than you can help - it just prolongs the process of moving on, I speak from experience.

To clarify - I don't think you should tell your DH about your crush, but you could talk to him about what you are looking for in your relationship.

I do wonder why things between you and your friend never developed years ago - before his marriage and your dp? You do mention that he had a gf and you were leaving the country when he made a move, but surely had the attraction been mutually strong you would both have found a way to make it work when then, when things were less complicated?

Perhaps you are projecting a lot more onto this idealised relationship than might actually be there? You could try to focus your thoughts on doing exciting things with dp for a while, eg even organise a romantic trip away with him, and see if that helps you think less about friend and more about dp. I do think it's worth identifying ways of getting the spark back into your relationship with dp before doing anything drastic like revealing all to him!

I would argue, slightly differently from everyone else that this man may have feelings for the OP - sometimes the reason you continue an attraction for someone is because you sense they may feel the same way about you.

Single people will tend to drop hints of their feelings for someone (intentionally or unintentionally), whereas people who are not are better at hiding it imo and e.

Shining and Tayto - thanks so much for taking the time to give such good advice.

Perception - I do think there is something but I can't be sure I'm not imagining things. In any case, he is married and I can't go there.

In that case Holly, if you are sure you cannot ask speak to him about it, you do need to find a way to get over this and deal with it or you will feel tortured for goodness knows how long.

Counselling may help with this if you find the right person for you. My counsellor gets me to talk about the kind of relationships I want by using visual aids. It may clarify whether in fact you are with the right person now or not, too.