Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop thinking about this man?

85 replies

HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 09:22

Have name changed and think prepared for the flaming I'm probably about to get.

I can't stop obsessing over my (and DP's) married friend.

Have known him and fancied him like rotten for 9 years. He tried to kiss me 8 years ago, just before I was about to leave the country for a year. I said no as he had a gf who I knew. Anyway, life happened. He has been married 3 years, I've been with DP 5.5 and we got engaged 6 months ago. Throughout whole time have fancied our friend and often fantasise about how our life would be if we were together.

Other than this, life with my DP is good. We have our ups and downs but muddle along nicely. Lately my obsession seems to be getting worse to the point I almost feel as if I'm being unfaithful.

How do I stop these thoughts? I've tried avoiding my friend, which minimises them to some extent but when I do see him again they just come back even stronger. Have also tried really hard to focus on his flaws when I am around him but this doesnt work either.

He is a firm fixture in our friendship group so permanent avoidance isn't really a practical option. this also means that I can't really talk to my friends for fear of how i feel 'leaking' out.
I think I'm in love with him. It's awful and I just want to make it go away or just sod it and tell him so that I don't have to hide it anymore.

Can anybody help? Anyone been through this and managed to get over it?

Just to clarify, although we have great chats and there's clearly chemistry, I am under no illusion about the fact he is taken and that I can't have him. I also love my DP and feeling this way is tearing me apart but I don't know how to make it stop.

Help!

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 13:21

It seems a bit sad that you are in a situation where you love someone, arent as keen on the man that you are with, and are addressing it as if it is some flaw within yourself that makes you feel that way?

Of course, it could be, but maybe the man you are with just isnt the right person for you to be with?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 13:26

Noddy and Hive - you may be right but I'm just not ready to accept admit that yet.

The reason being is that I do love DP and if I wasn't thinking this way then I know we could have a lovely life together.

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 13:28

You just give the impression of 'settling' for something, when what you really want could be there for you. That seems a pity.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 13:33

He's married. Tough for me. I need to get over it. Even if I left DP this isn't going to change.

Have a lovely DP and don't want to give that up. Blush I'm being a selfish cow aren't I?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 27/05/2012 13:56

It is not about him at all it is about you. If you were in love with your partner and happy to have a long term thing with him no one could turn your head in a way that would pre occupy you like this. Being in a relationship doesn't stop you having a look but obsessing has other connotations. Could you and your dp have a break and you could then explore this side of yourself that is looking for something 'else'

hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 14:21

You dont sound like a selfish cow. You sound like someone who is trying to do her best to convince herself that the situation that she is in is enough.

Akermanis · 27/05/2012 14:29

You really need to have time away from DP, tell him the truth and separate that is the only way you will ever sort this out in your own mind.

Beaverfeaver · 27/05/2012 14:50

I just had to post to say that I am going through exactly the same thing as OP with feelings for another guy when I am due to get married soon.

Although my DP is amazing and loveley to me, this other guy is completely different, a bit of a bad boy, younger than me and idolises me (which I just love the flattery of).
I have never fellas this happen before and it is so refreshing to hear that someone else is going through the same thing. I was starting to panic and wory about cancelling the wedding, but it is just a silly crush and definitly not love for me although I do love him as a friend.

Beaverfeaver · 27/05/2012 14:51

*fellas should be had! Silly iPhone

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 14:54

Mortified at thought of telling DP. It would be over for him after that, wouldn't it? And make things really awkward for our married friend who through no fault of his own become 'involved'. I don't want to rock the boat for him.

If am still feeling this way in a month would it be unreasonable for me to get away for a week or so without telling him what is going on in my head?

OP posts:
Beaverfeaver · 27/05/2012 14:56

I wouldn't want to say anything to my DP either, I am greedy and want my DO as my DP and my crush as a good friend.
I do not want to ruin either of those by telling DP.

noddyholder · 27/05/2012 14:57

You don't have to 'name' him. I think some time away is a good idea but the only problem is you will miss him after that short time and may mistake it for something more and this could recur. I would still go though and be totally honest with yourself. DO you think your current partner is totally into you or do you think he has any doubts? How would you feel if he had?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 14:58

Beaver, we cross-posted! Maybe just jitters for you then? I just can't shake the feeling it's more for me. Has been playing on my mind for years and unlike you, I'm not being encouraged by my friend Envy

Wish I could just plug in somewhere to get rebooted and reprogrammed! Argh!

OP posts:
jazzchickens · 27/05/2012 15:03

Holly have the thoughts got stronger and more frequent since you got engaged?

There is nothing wrong with a crush. I have had a crush on someone from work for years and years. At times, that too seemed like I was being unfaithful to DH. The difference here though was, the other man was single & available and I would not have chosen him over DH.

But you don't sound like you just have a crush. What would happen if, after you married, the other man suddenly became available?

Beaverfeaver · 27/05/2012 15:06

I think the encouragement makes it harder. He messaging me and he works with me! Uh oh!pkus my DP hates him, which I can't decide makes it all the more thrilling or worse.
It mayst be hard when this person has been in your life for so long.
You won't want to lose that.

Don't ruin things by telling your DP yet.
Try and mull over it, transfer feelings for your friend to your DP, might even help with increasing passion in the bedroom for you two.

I am trying to set up a night where I can see a good friend (female) who will be unbiased so I can get it all out in the open with someone

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 15:06

Noddy - I am as certain as one can be that DP doesn't have any doubts. If I thought he did I would leave. Oh god, realise that I am dreadful person. BlushSad

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 15:08

Jazz - I honestly can't answer your last question.

I feel sick.

OP posts:
jazzchickens · 27/05/2012 15:09

Sad don't feel bad Holly.

Beaverfeaver · 27/05/2012 15:12

I got engaged and we had a 2 year engagement which is fast coming to an end.
1st year was fab. Felt like I fell on live with DP all over again.

Now it's getting close we are Both stressed making it easier to look at other things and think 'what if?'

A lot of my crazy mind I put down to hormones and hope it will pass.

Can you love 2 people at once? Yes it seems you can!

noddyholder · 27/05/2012 15:16

Holly I was with someone for 6 years first serious relationship. Everyone thought we were great together but we were unsettled and went away travelling for a year to get back into each other with a view to coming back and settling down etc. While away I had a job in Australia and I became OBSESSED with a bloke who came into the restaurant dp and I worked in. I did day shift and met this guy for lunch every day and dp worked in the evening and had no idea. I thought I was in love with this guy even though he had a serious gf and was pretty sad when we had to leave. When we got home dp said he felt we had grown apart and I was so so relieved when most people expected me to be devastated. By this time the Oz guy meant nothing! Within a year I had met current dp and we were living together and I was pregnant and 21 yrs on we are still together and it has never changed! Don't settle!

hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 15:16

You are not dreadful. TBH it seems like your concern for your DP is making you life a lot harder then it would be if you are more 'selfish'.

HillyWallaby · 27/05/2012 15:44

Right. Let's cut to the chase.

None of you have children yet thank God. If he wants kids and his wife doesn't there is a fair chance that marriage won't last anyway. The fact that you even know this fact is a bit worrying - if he is discussing intimate things like that with you then he is not really respecting the boundaries of the relationships you are both in.

Whether you stand a chance of luring him away from his wife or not, if your post where you said: If he said "Holly, I feel the same, shall we do something about it?", I'd say yes without thinking twice. is how you truly feel then you should but the brakes on your relationship with your DP for the time being. It's very unfair on him to do anything else.

There was an awful thread on here recently about a girl who was due to get married this year and she caught her fiancee kissing her brother's wife. It all went horribly horribly wrong for all of them. It's easy to lay blame, and cast villains but sometimes it's just what happens. Love sucks. Maybe they were where you are now, a couple of years ago, and told themselves it would all blow over.

I also has some friends years ago where one guy had an affair with his best friend's wife, and I had the misfortune to witness the poor chap on the day he found out. And my DH was married to someone else when I met him - his wife and I weren't friends exactly, but I knew her, and we were friendly, and although I can say I got my man it was a pretty unpleasant and stressful time for all of us, but mostly for her obviously, and not something I am proud of. (no kids involved though.)

Affairs happen, people get hurt, it's awfully sad, but you owe it to everyone to be honest with yourself (and with them) before any more marriages and babies happen.

I think you will know deep down whether this man's feelings are reciprocated. It may just be a slight obession, a sense of unfinished business that you need to both get out of your systems, or it may be that he is the one and always has been.

If you were given the chance to move far far away with DP now, somewhere you'd never have to worry about this again, would you go? Would you be happy to be left alone to concentrate on your DP? Or do you panic at the thought of not seeing him again?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 16:04

Initially I'd panic but once I'd got to the land of far away I reckon things would be easier.

Question - are there any circumstances under which I could tell my friend how I felt? Maybe if I did and he said "look Holly, you're a mate and everything but I just don't feel that way about you", then I would get some closure and be able to focus on what I do have, which is a very lovely DP. What an awful position to put my friend in though...

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 27/05/2012 17:40

please don't marry your DP if you have feelings for another man. Jitters/doubts etc are one thing, but if you have had feelings for another man for EIGHT YEARS It would be wrong (for you both) to marry your DP,.

When I married my now ExH I sort of knew I was settling. somewhere in my heart I knew this was not what I SHOULD be feelings for the man I was committing my life to. Note he is now my Ex. Not because i left him for another man, but because I could not respect him for what he was.

My current DP , I adore. I see his flaws and he sees mine, but I adore him and think he is wonderful. I respect him hugely and I know now, THIS is how you should feel in a good relationship. Sadly my lovely DC have suffered through my marriage breakdown - you have no DC, please, now you know deep down how you feel, don't marry Mr not quite right.

hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 17:46

I dont think it is an awful position to put someone in. It has happened to me, and it was fine, I didnt feel the same way (though did really like him, just not like that), and we moved on from it.

I dont know if it is relevent, but he did marry the woman he was going out with, and it wasnt good and they split up about 2 years later. He is in another relationship now and very happy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread