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Original poster

How can I stop thinking about this man?

85 replies

HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 09:22

Have name changed and think prepared for the flaming I'm probably about to get.

I can't stop obsessing over my (and DP's) married friend.

Have known him and fancied him like rotten for 9 years. He tried to kiss me 8 years ago, just before I was about to leave the country for a year. I said no as he had a gf who I knew. Anyway, life happened. He has been married 3 years, I've been with DP 5.5 and we got engaged 6 months ago. Throughout whole time have fancied our friend and often fantasise about how our life would be if we were together.

Other than this, life with my DP is good. We have our ups and downs but muddle along nicely. Lately my obsession seems to be getting worse to the point I almost feel as if I'm being unfaithful.

How do I stop these thoughts? I've tried avoiding my friend, which minimises them to some extent but when I do see him again they just come back even stronger. Have also tried really hard to focus on his flaws when I am around him but this doesnt work either.

He is a firm fixture in our friendship group so permanent avoidance isn't really a practical option. this also means that I can't really talk to my friends for fear of how i feel 'leaking' out.
I think I'm in love with him. It's awful and I just want to make it go away or just sod it and tell him so that I don't have to hide it anymore.

Can anybody help? Anyone been through this and managed to get over it?

Just to clarify, although we have great chats and there's clearly chemistry, I am under no illusion about the fact he is taken and that I can't have him. I also love my DP and feeling this way is tearing me apart but I don't know how to make it stop.

Help!

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 17:50

Pressed send too soon..

Of course if he does reciprocate your feelings then that does raise more questions for him then if he doesnt, but if he does sectrely want to be with you too I dont think that finding out you feel the same way is an entirely bad problem to have, IYSWIM.

Mumsyblouse · 27/05/2012 18:12

I think having crushes is quite normal, and it's perfectly possible to marry and love and be faithful to one person whilst having a crush on another. This sounds very much like a fun fantasy, a playing of the 'what if' in life, and a nice way to waste hours of time imagining kissing/living life together. Of course, real life with this man simply wouldn't be like that. All my crushes have gone away over time, even the long-term ones, when you realise that actually you wouldn't be that great together and they are just men, just like your partner is, not endowed with magical romantic powers. However, it may be that this crush has highlighted some dissatisfaction in your existing relationship, only you know if you are 'settling' or whether this crush is simply a harmless fantasy at a stressful time in your life (as the door to choosing others now shuts).

Mumsyblouse · 27/05/2012 18:15

And, I'd be very very careful about blurting out you're in love with someone else when all you have is a bit of a crush on them from afar. There's a lot of stake and I don't think honesty is always the best policy with crushes. I would sort out your existing feelings for your relationship first and worry about crushes with unavailable friends at a later date.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 27/05/2012 22:28

Just back from a BBQ I thought my friend would be at. He couldn't make it and I was really disappointed Blush, even though I know it's best he wasn't there.

He's now going to be on business for the next couple of weeks so hopefully I can get him out of my head for a bit. Out of sight, out of mind...Hmm

OP posts:
savemefromrickets · 28/05/2012 00:15

I wouldn't speak to him, to be honest. If he says 'no' and you get the closure you need to marry your DP, you'll have done it behind DP's back and it could come out at any time, especially if he tells his gf. The ramifications would be huge, imagine if it comes out in the future when you've married and had kids with your DP. It would make your whole relationship seem like a lie and you might lose a DP who you've become 100% committed to.

I'd speak to a counsellor - someone impartial who can help you get over it or find the inner conviction to act on it once you've split with DP.

I speak from experience. I had a crush/obsession on someone but kept it under wraps as I was married at the time. Soon after he married someone else, after my separation for other reasons, he told me how he was feeling and I admitted I felt the same. It didn't help either of us. We had a short term emotional affair which I will regret forever. He's still married, but has to carry the guilt, as do I. After just a few months the excitement had worn off, and I realised we had absolutely no future together. He'd just seemed so appealing as I was in a bad marriage.

Another colleague declared he was in love with me after my separation. He claimed he didn't want to hurt his wife but he wanted me to know how he felt. I suspect he meant he wanted to know how I felt, and, trust me, I don't think him knowing that I felt very differently helped him any. I've accidentally bumped into his wife and hated knowing what he'd said to me behind his back - if I was a troublemaker I could ruin his marriage...

I am very lucky. I ended up with a legitimately sourced DP who knows the above and whom I trust to keep it quiet.

HillyWallaby · 28/05/2012 06:25

I think if you continue to hold a torch for someone for years and years it's still perfectly possible to be happily married to someone else - after all if you have loved/lusted after a person you don't just wipe all traces of that from your memory. However, having an ongoing love affair in your memory is one thing - having that person in your social life on a regular basis is another thing entirely and would make it very hard to move on, and to think straight or act rationally.

oasisinthedesert · 28/05/2012 10:10

I heard a saying the other day "if you can't get someone out of your head maybe they are supposed to be there" and I wonder if it's true.
Maybe you are in love with this guy and maybe he is in love with you?
Do you ever talk about this kind of thing at all with him?
I do think you need t ohave a break from your dp at least and probably split up.
you also need to find out how your friend feels and then you can decide what to do - if he makes it clear he is not interested then you know and you can try ot re build your life (are you all quite young just wondered as none of you have children).
Do NOT have children and get married while you have such strong feelings for another man.
People meet other people when they are in other relationships all the time I am not saying you should have an affair with this man but if he feels the same and it doesn't work out with his wife (not wanting children suggests that is q likely) do not over complicate the situation by being married to someone else.
Life is too short (and in a way too long) to not find out at least how this man you love feels.

perceptionreality · 28/05/2012 10:31

I agree with oasis. You at least need to know how the man involved feels. He doesn't have children so I think that would be ok. If he really loves his wife he will tell you it can't happen and then maybe you will have some sort of closure.

You've been in love with him for 9 years! That is a long time. If you don't get some sort of resolution to this it could drive you mad.

perceptionreality · 28/05/2012 10:35

I also think your dp is the wrong person for you. Because when you're with the right person, you stop noticing others ime, let alone thinking about someone else all the time.

funnygreenowl · 28/05/2012 10:44

I have had a crush for about 6 years and a few months ago he told me out of the blue he had very strong feelings for me. Obviously I was ecstatic and had wanted to know for years if he felt the same ( and constantly said in my head I jsut want to know if he feels the same).
However sadly for me we are both married with kids and neither of us want to be sneaky and have affair so it is nothing - no contact etc very depressing!!
But you are not married and neither of you has kids so I think you should go for it - he might be the one.

Dozer · 28/05/2012 11:23

How old are you OP?

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 28/05/2012 20:21

I'm 32, friend is 38.

I think I've realised that am just really selfish. I think if my friend felt the same he would give me more of a hint, you know? So if he's not into me then I just need to get over it, right? The selfish kicks in at the point where I don't want to give up DP just because I can't get this one guy out of my head.

I'm not sure the way I feel is a reaction to my DP. I've always felt this way about my friend, way before I was with DP. But I can't have him. Sad I just want to stop obsessing so I can move on and appreciate what I do have...

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 28/05/2012 20:28

Oasis - have talked about relationships and life in general with him but horrified at thought of actually confessing to him how I felt about him specifically. Him telling me he didn't feel the same would just be too awful.

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 28/05/2012 21:59

Could your friend be feeling the same? That if you liked him you would give him more of a hint?

washngo · 28/05/2012 22:08

These sorts of threads remind me of the film My Best Friends Wedding when Cameron Diaz tells Julia Roberts that she knows her fiancée has certain feelings for her (Julia) but that it's ok because "he's got you on a pedestal, and me in his arms".

MamaGeekChic · 28/05/2012 22:28

I should prob have namechanged for this but i'm so amazed to find someone who feels similarly to me that i won't...

I have no advice on offer but I'm in a very similar situation. I've had serious feelings for a colleague for the last 4 years, I've been with DP for 8, he's been with his for 5. My feelings are reciprocated. We were just about to leave our partners to try being together when i fell pregnant, we agreed to sick where we were and make the best of it. We both love our OHs but also each other (I know many of you will tell me this is impossible, but it really is how I feel) shortly after i fell pregnant he proposed. His partner is foreign and her student visa was ending, the need to get married so that he can move back with her to her home country. The get married next week- i'm devastated.

BUT I am 100% confident that had I never met him, I wouldn't feel this way about anyone else. My DP would be enough for me. We have a beautiful DD and have a lovely life together. i do often wonder what would have happened if i hadnt fallen pregnant, imagine our life together, imagine it was me he was marrying rather han her, but that would mean wishing away my precious DD so i try to push it to the back of my mind.

I will never tell DP because I know OM is off limits. He will be on the other side of the world very shortly. Telling him would ensure that I lose both of them. I know how selfish that must sound. As OM said to me today when i said goodbye as he leaves for his wedding: 'we've both chosen our paths, we just need to have faith that they are the right ones'.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 28/05/2012 22:37

Hive - I guess that's possible.

Wash - that is so lovely when she says that isn't it? Difference is is that she realises. I'm pretty sure DP doesn't have a clue. That's why I feel so guilty Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 28/05/2012 22:40

Wow Mama. That must be very hard to process.

OP posts:
washngo · 28/05/2012 22:44

I don't think you should tell your dp, I think you'd only be hurting him. I understand that you feel guilty, but you haven't actually been unfaithful. Consider again how you'd react if this other man said "how about it?" to you. Would you really just jump in with no thought for your dp? I bet you wouldn't, because real life and fantasy are not the same. Real life is never really that simple.

Original poster
HollyGoSpritely · 28/05/2012 22:47

If he ever did say that, I know I'm pretty sure I would leave DP. Blush

Awful Sad

OP posts:
letthecatout · 28/05/2012 23:32

I have name changed to post.

I have a very similar situation. I've had a crush on mine for 8 years too, almost as long as i've been with Dp. I only see him once every couple of months but i think about him a lot. I haven't discussed his feelings but i have an idea he does like me at least a little bit. I just don't know what to do either. Like you i'm happy with my partner but still can't get him out of my mind and i don't know what i'd do if he told me he liked me too.

oasisinthedesert · 29/05/2012 05:34

I am not saying you have to do a big declaration of love but could you think of a way to put it and practice a neutral way to end conversation if he says he is not interested.
Perhaps if you split or had a break from dp would he ask you why? you could then say it's because you like him?
If he feels the same then great!
If he says he's not interested you could just say that you hope what you said hasn't changed the friendship and as long as you don't start acting any different what would be so bad about that?
you could then move to timbuktoo :0)
Really you are young don't settle!!

Dozer · 29/05/2012 07:02

32 is young, but not that young if you're thinking about having children.

Am on the fence with this one, but think you do need to make progress in some way, either by writing off any hopes about your friend and cutting contact / changing friendship groups; or taking a break from your DP and telling your friend an edited version of how you feel about him (not declaring love, maybe just that you have had a crush a long time). Or indeed telling your friend behind everyone's back and hoping he won't say anything to anyone!

In the first two scenarios it'd be respectful to be honest - to a degree! - with your DP, but this clearly has risks. The third is more dubious but probably what lots of people actually do, eg those on this thread, and get away with!

If he married his wife knowing she didn't want children and was/is OK with that then we should assume it wasn't a deal-breaker for him. On the other hand, if they split up over the issue, or something else, in a couple of years and you'd said nothing about your feelings (and maybe got married and had DC), how would you feel?

If he acts appropriately around you, and you don't get a vibe from him, then he may not feel the same as you. The kiss in the past may not be meaningful on his part: the fact that he did it just before you went away is a cop out, since he knew you were going away so he wouldn't have to deal with any fall-out IYSWIM. IMO this kind of move / timing rarely indicates that people want to be with the person.

Dozer · 29/05/2012 07:04

Mama, that sounds hard. Is good that OM is leaving!

HillyWallaby · 29/05/2012 07:21

You need to sort out in your head exactly what this is though. It could be:

a) that you are in love with him, or

b) it is just a lust-based crush/fantasy based on that one time he tried to kiss you, and it is purely a symptom of the fact that you are feeling abit jittery about the prospect of committing yourself to one person forever, and part of you wants one last fling.