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Original poster

Mil query

30 replies

Tumblemum · 19/02/2006 12:38

Expecting d? in a couple of months and already dreading issues with Mil. With ds was very unpossessive and always gave him to her to hold whenever we met up. The problem was (invariably whenever dh) out of the room she would then offer him on to others, e.g. X do you want to hold ds as I have to go and do Y. I would be sitting there like the dumb governess.... I said nothing.
Any advice on how to deal. This example is just the tip of the iceberg...

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/02/2006 15:48

With a second child, you tend to be even less bothered about other people holding them - often you'll do anything for a free hand so you can get stuff done, in my experience.

Is she generally helpful? Can you keep her busy with your DS so you have time with the baby?

Original poster
Tumblemum · 19/02/2006 19:01

No she is not, but is undermining and proprietorial. I don't mind her holding my children, it is the taking over and handing them round when I am there - after a strategy so this does not happen this time

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/02/2006 19:03

Hmmm. Could you claim to know someone whose baby had been dropped by a stranger?

Undermining and proprietorial can be tiresome.

doormat · 19/02/2006 19:03

invite her over instead then

CarolinaMoon · 19/02/2006 19:05

you could try saying "oh it's ok I'll have him back now" to X. Maybe she thinks she's helping you by not handing they baby straight back?

What else does she do that annoys you?

Original poster
Tumblemum · 19/02/2006 19:07

last time the strategy was ignore it and drink but sort of feel if I was not such a 'gentle type' person she would not dare do it and would like to lay the ground rules a bit better
at the same time do not want to appear petty in front of others - know she is playing a game and does it in front of her friends and relatives when dh out of room, just don't want to feel so angry upset this time round

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumblemum · 19/02/2006 19:10

CM last time I saw her I was heavily pregnant she and proceeded to lecture me about the 'wretched woman' in her team who is pg and telephones in saying not been well and how she is milking her pg and who wants to return part time and how disruptive this is going to be for her and her team of men...
There is loads of other stuff just do not want to go there as it is petty and upsetting just want a better way of dealing with things this time

OP posts:
CarolinaMoon · 19/02/2006 19:13

do you mean when you're at her house?

If at yours, maybe you could just let her while you get on with things? If you're at hers and all sitting round sipping tea or whatever, it's a bit harder definitely. Unless you can use feeding, nappy changing, tiredness etc as an excuse to take the baby back?

CarolinaMoon · 19/02/2006 19:16

sorry, only just seen your last post. She sounds a right PITA.

Does it help if you try being non-committal and then changing the subject when she makes comments like that? So they just end as a damp squib iyswim.

Original poster
Tumblemum · 19/02/2006 19:33

it is at hers usually but has happened at mine - yes will try to ignore comments, have just not answered intrusive questions in the past and that seems to have discouraged this tendency

OP posts:
CarolinaMoon · 20/02/2006 09:21

I really sympathise. My MIL isn't like this, but I've got various relatives who are and I've found not rising to the bait is the only way forward. It's ok if you're feeling strong-minded at the time, but soooo hard if you are feeling hormonal and sleep-deprived.

Original poster
Tumblemum · 21/02/2006 08:20

Thanks CM

OP posts:
ShaysMummy · 21/02/2006 08:26

mine is the same.
when we go to hers she wants him then passes him on when dh is gone.
we were at a family party recently and she was holding him i was sat next to her and dh went to the bar.
she was chatting to fil sat the other side and just sort of dropped him in my direction not even bothering to look where she was putting him.
i just managed to catch him.
sil shot me a knowing look.

Original poster
Tumblemum · 21/02/2006 08:30

Do you put up with it?

OP posts:
ShaysMummy · 21/02/2006 08:39

she also used to keep him away from me. she would just take him from me if he was crying and i hadnt sorted it in 30 secs. just take him. he would get frantic (he is mummy's boy!!) then hand him to anyone, anyone but me. i think if acomplete stranger had been in the room she would have given him to them.
eventually dh could see me getting upset and take him from her and give him back to me.

i spoke to sil about it and she had the same, although now her kids are 4 and 2 she doesnt bother with them.

sil said make subtle comments like 'oh baby, its ok come to mummy' as you take child from her.

my mum said just be firm and take him.

now i just say 'oh he's tired/hungry/wet/just wants mummy' and take him.
you have to be firm, but polite of course.

now i have put my foot down she doesnt 'mess with me' very often!! and im proud of myself as she is really poisonous and has the power to shut you out of family if she so chooses.

Original poster
Tumblemum · 21/02/2006 08:55

Yes mine tried this when he was upset but I would not allow it, it seemed like a competition to see if she could pacify him over me. Anyway, I think I shall probably not be so generous with offers of holding this time around.

OP posts:
leonsmum · 21/02/2006 11:23

You could have an array of small stratagies for regaing control of the situation such as...
If you're just about to leave the room and dont want baby passed around, you could say that he's bringing up allot of milk after feeds at the moment so try not to pass him around to much. You could take him back off people to check his nappy or simply wisk him out of whoever's arms and say, ohh let's go and see what daddy is doing? Maybe you could even have a word with her now and ask her not to give the new baby much attention in front of his big brother because he'll get jealous - maybe she could 'help out' by playing with big brother allot.

That doesn't fix the problem though. Maybe you could get your other half to talk to her about the other issues. Or, if you think that wont work, just try to be firm but polite if the strategies fail. Try and take that step, and even if it doesn't work straight away, you'll be amzed by how good it feels to stick up for youself. Sleep deprivation and raging hormones can help!

Good Luck!!!

Original poster
Tumblemum · 21/02/2006 11:49

These are helpful LM thank you. It is the passing around while I am sitting there that has been the problem. I shall definitely exploit the 'sick' ploy, as ds was very sickie... I just do not understand her.
It must be so hard to be so new to this world and be passed around like that - adults would hate it and small babies I am sure would opt to stay with their mums.
I shall be firm and polite and not so generous this time - it is just so sad that she is like this. I am not involving dh this time because he finds it difficult dealing with her and it just caused trouble between us which I think may be part of her agenda. She is divorced from her h and she complained to dh that her h would never stand up to her mil for her and she had huge issues with her mil, he has stood up to her for me but it causes too many problems between us. He will however support me in whatever strategy I adopt.

OP posts:
leonsmum · 21/02/2006 15:53

Glad you liked the ideas

I really hated my Son being passed around when he was small and as he had reflux (the bringing up milk allot thing) that was a really good excuse for me to tell people not to pass him around.

Here's another idea - invest in one of those traditional slings. You can get them all over the place, ebay sells loads of types like this one...

cgi.ebay.co.uk/THE-FREEDOM-POUCH-BABY-CARRIER-BY-FREEDOM-SLINGS_W0QQitemZ7744802888QQcategoryZ100983QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem .

They look really natural and little babys can sleep in them very easily. You could pop him in it after his feed and he'd probably fall asleep and look so snuggled in there that people would hopefully feel to mean to take him out to hold him. Or, if the passing around starts up, you could say, 'I'm just going to pop him in his sling for a little sleep/feed (you can breast feed with them) or even give them a demo of how it works saying 'look isn't it comfy for him and and for me, I can carry him for hours in it and he loves it, look!', then walk off to the kitchen!

I was really nervous about dealing with people with a baby as I find it hard to be assertive with 'difficult' people sometimes. But I decided that a few seconds of feeling nervous was better than a whole day of feeling bad about myself for not sticking up for what I wanted. You just have to take that first step!

Good luck again!

wannaBe1974 · 21/02/2006 16:30

I was actually quite possessive of my DS when he was a baby and although I had no issue with people holding him, I never liked him being passed around. I think this came from an experience when a woman from work brought her baby in and the whole team (some 15 people) gather round and the baby was passed from one to another. From that day I just found it horrible how people pass babies around like they're dolls or something and I vowed never to let that happen with my baby. The worst person for taking my DS off me was actually my mother, she would take him off me no matter what he was doing, even if he was asleep she would take him, and was quite proud of the fact when commenting to a friend "Oh i don't wait to be asked if I'd like to hold him, I just take him". It annoyed me no end, my sister told me at the time that I was overreacting, until she had her DS 8 months later and DM did the same with her, all suddenly became clear to her and she told me she realized now why it had annoyed me so much.

I think the "oh I'll take him back" approach does work, there's generally nothing anyone can say to that, after all they can't refuse to give back your child

jayjaybaby · 21/02/2006 21:11

my friend is a wild cat on this she HATES it when her mil trys this sort of thing must say im abit worried about this happening due to this one being my 1st but more with my mum than the mil must say im v stroppy normally so will probably get away with being force ful and there is nothing wrong with not wanting your baby taken off you or not wanting them passed around have expressed the veiw i want no visitors for a week after birth to try and stop this thing happening and im only 14 wks

threelittlebabies · 21/02/2006 23:30

Completely understand Tumblemum- no advice, as you've had plenty of good stuff which I will be using myself with own inlaws! FIL always tried to get the baby straight away, went to a relative's house and practically before we had turned off the engine he was round, getting her carseat out. By the time I had taken my- completely ignored- 3yo ds out of his seat and gone in the house, he had taken my sleeping dd out of her car seat, and passed her round. She wakes up pretty much as soon as we stop anyway, could he not wait FFS. Have combatted this by switching sides in car so she is behind me, and falling over myself to get there first, then staggering inside spurning all offers of help, but I'm a stubborn so and so. When SIL, BIL and 3 kids visited and we all arrived at family together, they ignored me, carrying car seat and 50 million bags, bcause dh had to carry sleeping ds, and just strode inside with a twin each! Can you tell I like them Grrr have got self all mad just thinking about them

fastasleep · 21/02/2006 23:40

Even mine did the passing around thing! And she's nice! What's with MILs?! We were persuaded to take ds to his great gran's 80th when he was 2 weeks old cringe...MIL didn't ask, scooped him up dragged him off and I couldn't find him for about 20 minutes!! All I could follow was this vague wail, DH got pissed off as I was trying and failing miserably to breastfeed and needed him near me and she was sat there - 'oh I passed him to so'n'so...'

Original poster
Tumblemum · 22/02/2006 10:48

I too went to an in law event and they passed him around 20 of them when he was only two weeks old. He then started to cry they diagnosed wind and proceeded to 'beat' him on the back while i looked on. I felt so helpless, there is no way i would allow that to happen now i felt so guilty afterwards as I new he was hungry not windy.
I would never have behaved like that with someone elses child pre my own children and my own family would not dream of it either so i was thrown into the deep end i naively was unaware how common this practice is.
Dh is advising them that we are having two week baby moon is that unreasonable? I just want to consolidate my family and not be upset by them this time at what is such a wonderful time following the birth of a new baby.

OP posts:
eemie · 22/02/2006 11:29

Tumble, a two-week babymoon is a great idea. Don't worry about whether it's unreasonable, just do it. You'll never get those first two weeks again.

I know just what you mean about consolidating your family, you need to draw a firm boundary around yourselves. We did, and it helped me to cope with a hostile, controlling and intrusive MIL.

Don't feel guilty about putting your children's needs first (and that means your own needs too).