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Original poster

delicate subject-would you want hubby at birth or at mil's funeral

78 replies

mumtohugebump · 18/02/2006 13:38

hi all. on a birthing programme the other day, there was a wife giving birth , but her hubby wasnt there as he was at his mum's funeral.
i approached the subject with my dh and he was very cagey as to what he would do in same situation. i dont get on with my mil as she is pretty horrible and full of spitefull comments, to my dh as well as me and our dd.
so as you can imagine where i would want him in that situation, but i dont know what he would do.
where would you want your dh to be in this situation.
sorry i know its very sensitive subject, but just wondering how others feel

OP posts:
Pruni · 18/02/2006 13:40

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ScummyMummy · 18/02/2006 13:40

I would think it was up to him and would sort of expect him to choose the funeral. What a horrible choice for anyone to have to make.

oranges · 18/02/2006 13:41

I'd say funeral too - say goodbye properly, and then focus on the new baby and the future after that.

chipkid · 18/02/2006 13:42

definitely at mil's funeral. Dh and his mother are extremely close-she is a star. Dh would have all the time in the world to spend with new baby-only one chance to say goodbye to his mother.
No brainer for me I am afraid

CarolinaMoon · 18/02/2006 13:42

agree with Pruni, esp if you have a suitable alternative birth partner.

Think funerals are a bigger deal than the moment of birth itself in lots of ways, esp for him to support his siblings or whoever in their grief.

stitch · 18/02/2006 13:42

funeral. sorry, but simply no contest here.
it makes no difference what my relationship to mil is, at the end of the day, she's his mom. she gave birth to himjm. took care of him. brought him up etc etc.
putting a man in such a position where he has to choose is soo wrong imo.
also, a funeral is somethinhg that will be planned in advance. specifice start and end times. whereas a birth isnt. would you want your dh to forever feel that he spent the time of his mom's final farewell, getting bored and miserable on a boring horrible maternity ward? and the baby didnt arrive till 24 hours later?

Pruni · 18/02/2006 13:45

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WharfRat · 18/02/2006 13:50

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melrose · 18/02/2006 13:52

Funeral. the labour is going to last a hell of a lot longer than the funeral though! So not as if he would miss the whole thing, and would see the baby v soon afterwards if he missed the actual birth

kama · 18/02/2006 13:53

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FrayedKnot · 18/02/2006 14:01

Would let DH decide but I would feel he ought to be at the funeral.

Didn;t really notice that much whether DH was there at DS' birth

It all seemed to happen so quickly, and I felt really out of it anyway.

The bit I felt I really needed him for was the run up to going into hospital, when I wasn;t sure how labour was progressing, timing my contractions, supporting me when I felt I was ready to go into hospital, getting me there, etc - but someone else, e.g. a close friend or relative, could have done it equally well.

edam · 18/02/2006 14:09

Tough call. If an alternative birth partner then funeral. Also depends on what the late mother would have wanted - her son at her send-off or welcoming her new grandchild into the world?

edam · 18/02/2006 14:10

If I went into labour the day of the funeral, I'd expect him to rush back after the service mind, rather than hang around at the wake!

oops · 18/02/2006 14:16

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Spidermama · 18/02/2006 14:21

Hooray. I seem to be in step with others for a change.

Funeral, definitely. Though I would miss him terribly.

Where would you want your son? At your funeral, or at the birth of his child?

I think failure to attend ones own mother's funeral would have unhealthy and lasting emotional complications.

Spidermama · 18/02/2006 14:22

It's very boody minded of any woman to go into labour during her MIL's funeral I have to say.

Nightynight · 18/02/2006 14:25

yes, funeral definitely.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 18/02/2006 14:29

my insticnt would be funeral. but would obviously not see the decision as mine. In any case the chances are pretty remotoe - a funeral lasts about 45 minutes, labour somewhat longer. you could dash between the two. [so glad this is a hypothetical situation and not for real!]

Blandmum · 18/02/2006 14:31

Funeral, as in all probability he could leave the birth, go to the funeral and return while labour was still ongoing.

In addition there is a sense of a need for 'closure'

suzywong · 18/02/2006 14:33

deffo funeral

DH"s father died three years ago and we made it back to Aus days before he died, and I shudder to think what effect it would have had on all of us in a filtering down way if he had missed it. DH is still dealing with the fact he wasn't present for the years of his father's life when he was lucid ( he died of Alzheimers) so if he'd missed the funeral it would have been far far far worse.

FrannyandZooey · 18/02/2006 14:35

Actually, when you put it that way, Spidey, I would rather my own son was at the birth seeing something miraculous happening, than hanging around feeling miserable at my funeral. There are other ways to say goodbye to someone. New life should take precedence where possible IMO.

ermintrude13 · 18/02/2006 14:36

Someone said - what would you, as a mother, prefer your son to do? Well for starters, I'd far rather my son was there to support his partner and welcome his child into the world than to bleat at my grave. And secondly, I'd be dead so what I thought would be neither here nor there.
Missing the birth for the deathbed would be different - last chance and all that. But what kind of mother would demand that her son choose her over his partner and new baby AFTER SHE'S DEAD?? Sounds like Mrs Kray!

suzywong · 18/02/2006 14:44

but on the other side of the coin, no wife/partner would want to be in anyway responsible or up for recriminations over a man's relationship with his mother, particularly the closure aspect.

SPRAY@Violet Kray. I oftern toy with changing my chat name to that, as I love my boys in a similar way.

And there will be no dirty girls getting in the way of that. Ever. I can tell ya.

biglips · 18/02/2006 14:45

deffo funeral as to say goodbye properly

jabberwocky · 18/02/2006 15:10

funeral.

It's soooo important to have closure.