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Original poster

delicate subject-would you want hubby at birth or at mil's funeral

78 replies

mumtohugebump · 18/02/2006 13:38

hi all. on a birthing programme the other day, there was a wife giving birth , but her hubby wasnt there as he was at his mum's funeral.
i approached the subject with my dh and he was very cagey as to what he would do in same situation. i dont get on with my mil as she is pretty horrible and full of spitefull comments, to my dh as well as me and our dd.
so as you can imagine where i would want him in that situation, but i dont know what he would do.
where would you want your dh to be in this situation.
sorry i know its very sensitive subject, but just wondering how others feel

OP posts:

Flamesparrow · 18/02/2006 15:14

It would be entirely down to him, although I would probably rather he chose the funeral - he will have many more things to experience with his child, nothing else with his mum though (or dad in DH's case.... doubt he'd go to his mum's unless I dragged him there kicking and screaming )

Other people could be with me.

Filyjonk · 18/02/2006 15:20

If it was my son, I'd want him with his partner and new child, not watching me be lowered into the ground in a box. No contest.

Dunno if it was my partner. Have to be his decision.

rey · 18/02/2006 15:23

I too think having men or anyone really at the birth is overrated.
My answer would be go to mil funeral no matter how much I hated her.
God willing, lots of days ahead with child when born.
Missing the funeral could come back to both again and again as it is the one and final time to go.

lockets · 18/02/2006 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JoolsToo · 18/02/2006 15:33

I think he should be at the funeral - it's the final goodbye.

He'll (hopefully) have a lifetime with his new baby and think how uplifting to go from the end of one life to see the new life you've created!

Passionflower · 18/02/2006 15:54

I'm going to go totally against the consensus on this.

I would very much want DH with me, we nearly lost DD1 (was very nearly an emergency C-section, she had the cord wrapped around her neck four times). MIL would in this scenario be dead already, how would DH feel if something awful happened at the birth and he wasn't there?

kama · 18/02/2006 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 18/02/2006 17:47

Birth.

Twiglett · 18/02/2006 17:47

funeral .. its a bond between mother and child and of course he should be at the funeral

a child being born is a marvellous wonderful thing but really dad's are not crucial and as soon as he could get there I'm sure he would .. there is a lot to be said for making it a female only experience if you ask me

cupcakes · 18/02/2006 18:04

Well, this is one question I'm not going to hypothetically ask dh - his mum is undergoing chemo for bone cancer and I'm due in September.
Really don't like to think of this as a real possibility but if I'm going to be honest (and unpopular) I would imagine dh would choose the birth. I know it doesn't make a difference to the baby if he's there or not but would it really make a difference to mil either? It is different from her deathbed.
I know dh would hate the thought of grieving in front of family he has strained relations with and so cannot imagine it would be much true closure for him.
Would obviously let the choice be his though. I would be fine on my own if that's where he needed to be.
What a sad way for a child to be born though, with that happening at the same time.

bobbybobbobbingalong · 18/02/2006 18:05

Personally I'd want my ds to attend the birth of his child than my funeral. I'll be dead after all.

But a choice of ds by my side at dh's funeral or by the side of his wife as she gives birth - oh, that's a tough one, and it would have to be his decision.

cupcakes · 18/02/2006 18:13

That's a good point - it would be pretty horrible for fil not having his ds to stand next to him. Oh god, I'm changing my mind now.

doormat · 18/02/2006 18:17

funeral

Lonelymum · 18/02/2006 18:21

Another one for funeral.

I feel very strongly that it is good for men to be present at the birth of their children (unless they are going to faint or throw up or generally get in the way), but if there is one thing that should keep them away it is the funeral of a close friend or family member.

Bunglie · 18/02/2006 18:29

Funeral. There is a real possibility that my children will not be at my funeral nor will I be able to see them on my death-bed, without wanting to sound morbid. I know that this upsets me greatly as I have a terminal illness, however having said this I would hate also to see my children upset, but I am being selfish and thinking of me not what they want.
Does this make sense?

Piffle · 18/02/2006 18:37

funeral definitely without question.

izzybiz · 19/02/2006 19:58

i think funeral, BUT, when i thoght of my own son, i would rather he wittnesed the birth of his child than worry about me, its not like id know is it!

eefs · 20/02/2006 10:08

funeral
thing is - regardless of MIL's opinion of where her son should be, for DH's sake he needs the closure that saying goodbye at a funeral can bring.

Greensleeves · 20/02/2006 10:17

I would want him to make his own decision, and expect him to choose the funeral, I wouldn't make him feel guilty at all, but I would be secretly gutted at having to give birth without him.

If it was one of my sons, I would want him to be at the birth of his child, being useful and experiencing the joy of new life, not crooning "Abide With Me" in some musty old church. In fact if I saw him at my funeral while his wife was in labour, needing him, I would HAUNT the silly little s*d

hunkermunker · 20/02/2006 10:25

Funeral, definitely. Think it's very selfish to expect otherwise.

Blu · 20/02/2006 10:27

I would want to support him to do what he felt he needed to do, and certainly not turn it into a 'her or me' decision. People grieve even for those who haven't been the kindest. He would be in a 'no-win' situation, so whichever way it went, we would both need extra support - me to support him, etc.

nailpolish · 20/02/2006 10:28

omg

i had exactly this predicament with dd2

i was 40 weeks pg when MIL died

i had panic attacks thinking about her funeral, what if i went into labour that day, couldnt think straight for last few days of pg

dh told me he would be at the birth, even if it meant missing his mums funeral

she was a lovely woman and would have insisted dh was at birth and not her funeral

bless her

dd2 was born a few days after

Blu · 20/02/2006 10:29

Oh, yes, if it was MY funeral, I would definitely want DS to be at the birth of his child! Me? Put me in a box and let me rot - once you're gone, you're gone!

Blu · 20/02/2006 10:30

nailpolish

nailpolish · 20/02/2006 10:30

it was the worst week of my dh's life

wouldnt wish it on anyone

she left a note and everything for dd1 and dd2 - dh's last words to his mum were what we were going to name dd2 - we didnt tell anyone else

she was so happy he told her!

her last wish was to see dd2 - she didnt get it

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