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Original poster

delicate subject-would you want hubby at birth or at mil's funeral

78 replies

mumtohugebump · 18/02/2006 13:38

hi all. on a birthing programme the other day, there was a wife giving birth , but her hubby wasnt there as he was at his mum's funeral.
i approached the subject with my dh and he was very cagey as to what he would do in same situation. i dont get on with my mil as she is pretty horrible and full of spitefull comments, to my dh as well as me and our dd.
so as you can imagine where i would want him in that situation, but i dont know what he would do.
where would you want your dh to be in this situation.
sorry i know its very sensitive subject, but just wondering how others feel

OP posts:

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/02/2006 10:33

CupCakes

My MIL died of bone cancer, you have my sympathy.

nailpolish · 20/02/2006 10:34

my MIL had pancreatic cancer

it was so quick

fu**ing horrible disease

CoolTurkey · 20/02/2006 10:35

I am with Tamba, PassionFlower cupcakes and bobby (I think that's all ) and absolutlely amazed about the huge majority in favour of the funeral. The birth without a doubt. Never have understood all this saying goodbye bit anyway, but then maybe I am weird (no 'maybe' about it, dh would say) and if anyone makes a big deal out of my funeral or has a remembrance service I'll come back to haunt them. Just bundle me in a bin-liner under the compost heap.

I would agree that fathers at the birth are overrated, but think they really ought to be there to help them cope with what will be a difficult if wonderful time ahead. It must help with bonding and an understanding of the trauma of child birth should mean a more understanding and helpful dad/partner.

CoolTurkey · 20/02/2006 10:37

Sorry, cupcakes, I might have dragooned you onto my side by mistake.

Greensleeves · 20/02/2006 10:45

If it were me making the choice, I would regard it as a straight choice between mourning the past and celebrating the future, and I would obviously choose the birth. However it would be wrong not to respect someone else's choice, wouldn't it? It would be HIS choice. I think the only "wrong" thing to do would be to pressurise him either way.

I think it's complicated by the fact that for some women it would feel like the last in a long line of decisions in which he placed his mother above his wife. That's a separate issue, but I'd be willing to bet it would complicate this decision in a lot of cases.

hunkermunker · 20/02/2006 10:53

Agree that I'd want my son to be at the birth of his child, but having had a DH present at one birth and absent from the next, I know it doesn't affect bonding a jot. Whereas a long amount of guilt for not saying goodbye to his mother - that could.

tarantula · 20/02/2006 10:55

Birth definitely esp if the person giving birth needs their partners support ie no family near etc.

I think that closure doesnt always have to be at the funeral. Also while its the custom in thsi country to ahve the funeral a week or more later than the death (so they are planned as someone said)it isnt so in Ireland where its the day after the death so lots of people do miss out on funerals of loved ones and find closure in other ways. If it was to be at mothers deathbed then that would be different TBH as the person is still alive.

poppiesinaline · 20/02/2006 11:00

I would let DH make his own decision and respect that. And aren't funerals more for the ones left behind rather than the dead one - saying 'goodbye' , closure and all that. But what an awful decision to have to make. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.

CoolTurkey · 20/02/2006 11:25

OK, agreed, the bonding bit can be a bit overstated - I have a friend whose dh was at the birth of all 3 kids and never bonded with any of them. Which is why he is soon to be an xh.
And I couldn't agree more that it is a different matter if it is a death bed rather than a funeral. Very important to say goodbye in that case.
However birth, relatively safe though it is these days, isn't without risk. If complications arise (as it did for 2 friends of time) surely the father should be there and would bitterly regret it if he wasn't? I know this is the pessimist in me speaking.

Blondeinlondon · 20/02/2006 11:34

Birth, no question whatsoever

Amazed that so many of you opted for funeral
It's not as if it's helping the dead now is it
The MIL wouldn't know if they were there or not

Passionflower · 20/02/2006 11:38

My view is probably coloured by the fact that I found my fathers funeral really traumatic and it didn't help me, give me closure in the least.

I seem to be in the minority in thinking that bringing a baby into the world is something that a couple ought to do together. I would find giving birth without DH's support a huge sacrifice and I would find it very hard to accept such a decision without holding it against him. Maybe I'm just very selfish.

Luckily it isn't every going to happen to us as our family is now complete.

Passionflower · 20/02/2006 11:39

Agree that deathbed is very diff matter though.

compo · 20/02/2006 11:40

Definitely the funeral. My dh is an only child, has very few relations apart from immediate family so I would imagine when MIL dies he will be organising the funeral and would have to be there. I know it would be awful going through the birth on my own, and dh would hate to miss it but even if something awful happened I would never blame him for not being there. At the end of the day I can ask for another birthing partner (my mum for example) but no one could go to the funeral in place of him.

CoolTurkey · 20/02/2006 11:50

My mother is very, very old and very, very frail. I am her carer which is no chore as she is cheerful and her sense of humour is intact. She is defintely not a burdon but frankly I dread her funeral more than her demise.

And (hypothetically) what if I went into labour on the day of her funeral? A no brainer. Life goes on and those still with us and just about to be with us should take priority imho.

But then, maybe it is my aversion to funerals speaking.

milward · 20/02/2006 11:55

The birth - seeing his baby during the first moments after birth. The funeral could be rescheduled?

motherinferior · 20/02/2006 12:05

Funerals are very, very important to attend.

And I'm one of the many people who find men a bit over-rated at births.

prettyfly1 · 20/02/2006 12:39

i feel that in that situation it is his right to choose where he wants to be.

jenkel · 20/02/2006 12:43

Mmmm, tricky.

Depends on the person I think. The MIL is sadly dead, so it makes no difference to her who is at her funeral. However, it may be something that the husband needs to do for himself, as a way of saying goodbye/closure etc and he wont get the chance to go to his mothers funeral again.

However, to welcome a new baby into the world is a wonderful thing, and some women really need the support of their DH. I would be terrified to go through the birth without DH with me.

Also, if I had died, I would be totally horrified that my son came to my funeral instead of supporting his wife. I would want him to focus on the future not the past.

My dad died when I was 18 and I thought the funeral was the most awful thing I had ever done. I said goodbye to my dad the night he died, I dont need a church to do it in. But thats my very personal view and I respect that not everybody feels the same.

But as somebody else mentioned, the chance of this happening must be very remote, as the funeral lasts 45 min or so. I suppose if you have to travel a distance to get to one or the other you could miss.

So if it came to the crunch, and the funeral was 3 hours away from the birth, I would say Birth.

uwila · 20/02/2006 12:43

I think the funeral... IF you have another suitable birth partner. He should't leave a wife in pain on a neglected labour ward. But if she has a sister, friend, who can speak for her and the birthplan then I think he should go to the funeral.

When my DD was born I thought it absolutely important for my DH to be there. But, in retrospect, he didn't really do anything, except bring the music. I would have likely gotten on just the same without him.

lazycow · 20/02/2006 13:05

I really think whether you would want ds to be at your funeral or the birth of your grandchild is the wrong question. Funerals are about helping the living cope with a loss not the dead. I would be devastated to miss the funeral of one of my parents as I would feel that the remaining parent/my siblings would need as much support (as would I ) as they could get.

Of course it is up to the dh - but my feeling would be the funeral first. But then I've always said birth should be all female if possible anyway

nailpolish · 20/02/2006 13:39

as i said before, this happened to me

we had time to speak to dear MIL about this before she died, she could see it in her son's eyes that he was worried this was going to happen, and she very sternly told him that if i went into labour during her funeral, then he was to go with me. she told him she wouldnt be watching over at her own funeral, she would go with us to the hospital (iyswim?)

Bunglie · 20/02/2006 14:45

Ooh! I hate it when there is a thread on here that 'niggles' at me!
I spent last night trying to get this thread out of my mind because I really am certain that it is more important to attend the funeral rather than the birth. I gave birth to both my children and my dh missed it both times, that's men, but it did not really affect him or me that much. Yes it may have been nice but it did not upset any bonding process and I think that men are not always that good at births, they always seem to fuss and I am sure I would have sent my dh home if he had come!!!
With regard to funerals due to circumstances at the time that are irrelevant, my 'step-monster' decided not to tell me that my father had died. The first I knew of it was reading his obituary in the Telegraph. I have never got over the shock nor can I forgive my 'step-monster' for depriving me of saying a final goodbye at his funeral and I think that closure is very important. You only have one chance to attend a funeral and I feel that I was 'cheated' out of attending my fathers funeral and even 10 years later I still seak that closure that was denied to me.
I hope that this makes sense and that having posted this it will stop niggling at me.
sorry.

hunkermunker · 20/02/2006 14:46

Oh, Bunglie

dewberry1 · 21/02/2006 12:10

I dont know why you even posted this...your MIL isnt ill...prob wont die so you will never be in this situation....dont even think/worry about it and look forward to the birth of you babe!!

Hausfrau · 21/02/2006 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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