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Original poster

Found a condom

78 replies

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 09:52

So me and partner have been together for 4 yrs nearly we have two beautiful daughters. The other day I was getting DD car seat out of HIS van and found a condom in the door compartment. I asked him and he said it wasn't his. We've been having a lot of arguments in the last week and I didn't want to argue again so I just brushes it off. But deep down it's killing me. The use by date Is 2013 and I googled life span and it says 5 years so I trying to convince myself it's very old. I just don't know what to do he says he wouldn't do anything to jepeodise our relationship and he loves me a lot. I feel sick with worry

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2012 09:54

Was it in the passenger or driver's door pocket? Does he drive other people around at all? Lend anyone his van? Have you any other reasons to suspect infidelity?

tunafortea · 21/05/2012 09:54

Oh, I can see why you feel upset!
BUT it may be an old one?
Apart from the last week, are things generally going well for you both?
Are you happy?
Are there any other signs he could be being silly?
Try not to panick as it really could just be an old one!.x.

JustAnotherSod · 21/05/2012 09:57

If the use by date is 2013, it could be from 2008 - before, or just as you got together?? Why are you so panicked by this, is there more going on to make you worry?

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:01

That's certainly not a recent purchase that's all I can say.

Original poster
riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 10:03

The condom was on his side, the drivers. He does have other people in the van but why on his side?
Well he lied to me in the beginning of our relationship about being married (was an arranged marriage he is Hindu) then told me he was divorce and we went on to have our children. He has only started living with me full time for 1 and a half years before then he used to stay but leave me every wed and Thursday night I wouldnt know where he was and sometimes he wouldn't talk to me. In the last few months since the birth of our second he said he wasn't divorced and we couldn't buy a house in our name a she would have rights to it even tho he said the marriage isn't registered here? We've had a lot of arguments about that and I feel it's more on my side. Since finding out about his wife I've been very insecure Sad
I feel I have big trust issues but love him dearly. Then when I found the condom it bought it all back and now were arguing about why he isn't divorced or doing anything about it when we have 2 DD and are engaged!
I'm very upset today please be gentle with me I know people will be judgemental but we all know how women can get sucked in and I'm a sucker Sad

OP posts:
ToryLovell · 21/05/2012 10:03

I would agree it is an old one. Is there anything else in your relationship giving you cause for concern?

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 10:05

I would ditch him then!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2012 10:06

Is this the same man that didn't tell his family you existed and there are FB photos of him and his wife at family parties?

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 10:09

Not sure what is going on here?

Do you have another thread riamay? Your situation sounds extremely complex, rather liked a tangled web of lies.

tunafortea · 21/05/2012 10:11

AH. Lots more probs than the condom then Sad

I am sorry you were badly misled by this man.

Do you still want to be with him, knowing he is married to someone else?

HereIGo · 21/05/2012 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:14

You've made a thread before haven't you? The problem isn't the condom. He's very much married.

Original poster
riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 10:14

Yes that's me

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 21/05/2012 10:19

It must be crap for you, feeling insecure again. Unfortunately he has a track record for lying to you, he told you he was divorced when he wasn't and was disappearing without explanation. That's not to say he's lying now, but understandable why you have trust and doubt issues.

Is he getting a divorce? Maybe it's a case of putting aside the condom issue and explaining to him that you feel insecure because of the past and he needs to commit to your relationship by seeing the divorce through.

If he keeps putting that off then you may need to take action if words aren't making any difference.

It sounds like he does want to be with you, but maybe he's afraid of what his family might think of him being with you. Do they know about you and your children and that he's separated from his wife? If it was an arranged marriage, I'm guessing they wouldn't be too happy about him splitting up from her?

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:21

It dosent sound like he wants to be with her, because he would be. Actions and words.

Sounds like a man with two families having his cake tbh.

cheeseandpineapple · 21/05/2012 10:23

Ah, cross posts, just seen what others have said about another thread.

But if he's living with you full time now, that would suggest he's left his wife.

Either way, it's complicated, not sure if you'll ever gain full trust in him. He sounds like he wants his cake etc

cheeseandpineapple · 21/05/2012 10:24

Another cross post, house! I agree having seen other posts!

Original poster
riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 10:25

Yes they know and have known me for over a year now and have accepted me 100% his mum actually is very lovely. He claims he has nothing to do with his ex and we actually saw her on the street and she crossed when she saw us. He gets very touchy when she is mentioned and always starts an argument. Like he's trying to protect her. I did actually sit him down yesterday and told him it kills me knowing he's not getting divorced and his excuse for not doing it was he doesn't like paper work I said paperwork is not more important than my feelings. I do believe he loves me I think he got himself into a big mess and I'm paying the price Sad

OP posts:
TequilaMockinBird · 21/05/2012 10:25

YY to what Houseofplain said.

The problem is that he's married.

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 10:26

Right.

This man is married but it is an unregistered marriage, therefore as I understand it, it is not legally binding. If it is not a legal marriage then she can have no claim to any purchase your partner makes and he would know this. So his excuse for not buying a house together is ridiculous. You cannot also get a divorce if you are not married this is in South Africa but the principle I think is the same, in the UK marriages have to be registered to be legal and his isn't. So there is nothing stopping him from marrying you apart from the fairly obvious fact that he doesn't want to.

This man is not willing to commit to you. He went out twice a week and wouldn't tell you where? Well I think that's pretty obvious where he was and what he was doing now that you have found a condom.

His family are obviously under the impression that he is still with his first 'wife' and who knows, perhaps he is stringing her along too, living 2 lives?

You have 2 beautiful daughters. This man is not a good role model for them. Does he have any children with his ex?

You are free to leave this man, there is nothing tying you to him. He is a cheat and no-one would blame you for getting out of this relationship. He does not give you the respect you deserve and in fact he is going against his religion and beliefs in acting this way. I would get out now. Pack his bags, send him back to his ex and you raise your beautiful daughters to love themselves and to demand respect from other people.

ComradeJing · 21/05/2012 10:26

Honey, this man is married and unable to fully commit to you. He obviously has no problem lying to you. He obviously has no problem with breaking marriage vows. It is also pretty obvious that won't go against his family and divorce this woman.

It is not normal nor kind what he is doing to you or asking you to accept. You really do have much bigger problems than just a condom in the door.

You need to decide if you are worth more than this, if this lesson in acceptance of shit treatment is one you want your daughters to learn and if you want to continue to bury your head in the sand. I'm very sorry he is treating you like this.

Best wishes.

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 10:27

Ah right so now his family know about you.

But still, an registered marriage is not a legal marriage in the UK so there is nothing stopping him from marrying you. He clearly just doesn't want to.

I would leave him before he leaves you.

Original poster
riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 10:28

I just feel a big mess ladies. I used to be very confident and u know how it is when u think you've met the one u would do anything well is weak ones would. I know what you are all thinking and I completely understand I feel there's always something in our relationship and I want to trust him 100% but the thought of the past always comes in my head I.e the condom incident bought it back how can I move on and be happy with our children?

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 10:30

Does he support you financially?

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:32

How do you know the marriage isn't registered and legal? Rhubarb? From what I see op has just said it was an arranged Hindu marriage? Big leap of faith to presume it is. It legal.