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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found a condom

78 replies

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 09:52

So me and partner have been together for 4 yrs nearly we have two beautiful daughters. The other day I was getting DD car seat out of HIS van and found a condom in the door compartment. I asked him and he said it wasn't his. We've been having a lot of arguments in the last week and I didn't want to argue again so I just brushes it off. But deep down it's killing me. The use by date Is 2013 and I googled life span and it says 5 years so I trying to convince myself it's very old. I just don't know what to do he says he wouldn't do anything to jepeodise our relationship and he loves me a lot. I feel sick with worry

OP posts:

curiositykitten · 21/05/2012 13:27

Do you have no self respect?

He kept a wife secret from you. He kept you and at least one of your children a secret from his family!

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 13:30

I think the OP's confidence is at rock bottom. I doubt that laying into her will help that.

Original poster

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 14:40

Thanks for all your messages I know what your all saying I am feeling a little down at the minute so I don't appreciate being laid into

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 14:42

Ria is he providing financially for both of you? And his other dc?

Original poster

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 14:48

He only has children with me I know that for a fact. He does provide for them. Luckily I've always been independent with money and have never asked him for a penny nor do I rely on him

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 14:50

So it's your home not his?

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 14:57

Well he said he couldn't buy a house in both your names and only started living with you 18 months ago, so did he buy the house in his name then or is it yours?

If he bought it in his name then he's leaving his options open isn't he? He wants the choice to be able to tell you to leave.

You know what all this means really. The signs have been there from the start so this has only confirmed your worst fears. He is sleeping with at least one other woman. He isn't treating you with respect and really doesn't have any intention of marrying you.

I'm sorry, but you have to make this decision. I hope you don't choose to put up with it, because that's no way to live and not a great role model for your daughters either.

TheHappyHissy · 21/05/2012 15:04

Please face the facts of this matter. This man is not trustworthy, he is NOT a good man, and YOU deserve better, your children deserve better.

You will never get him to change a thing while you 'allow him' to carry on like this. You have to boot him out and tell him it's over.

IF he comes to his senses and sorts everything out, all well and good, if he doesn't, you know where you are, you carry on and get on with your lives.

So his other wife knows all about you then? she crossed the road to avoid you both? Is he abusive to her, to you? Why would she be so cowed?

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 15:06

Could you afford the mortgage on your own? Do you rely on him for childcare while you are at work?

Original poster

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 15:07

I rent it's in my name

OP posts:

HereIGo · 21/05/2012 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 15:31

"Since finding out about his wife I've been very insecure"

No shit

I cannot advise you, love

There is is only one course of action that is compatible with keeping any self respect at all. You didn't listen on your last thread, and you are not listening now.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 21/05/2012 16:15

Cock-lodger?

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 16:42

Are you on maternity leave then? How can you pay the rent if he doesn't contribute?

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 16:50

Presumably she either works or gets HB Olympia, but she didn't start this thread to be questioned on her finances.

riamay, I think you knew what the responses would be. Deep down you know he is being unfaithful. I don't know why you can't bear the truth or what he does give you to make up for the way he has treated you. But there are plenty of decent men out there and you DO deserve better.

You don't just have yourself to think about, you have 2 girls there who need a full time father and a happy mother. What makes you think that if he can treat his first wife like this, and treat you the same, that he'll be there for his daughters? He won't. This is a man who puts his own selfish needs above those of anyone else, including those closest to him.

If you won't take the advice you have been given then there is nothing more that anyone can do or say. You are financially independent, your home is in your name. You are in a better situation than most.

If you don't do anything, then accept that this is your life. Full of suspicions, betrayal and lies. I personally would not want to live like that, but he won't change if he doesn't have to. And right now you are allowing him to continue by not taking a stand. I would have thought you'd want better for yourself and your girls.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 17:08

You going to disappear again, OP ?

Like last time ? Until the next thread...

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 17:14

What did she start it for then?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 17:17

You askin' me, Olympia ?

Op wouldn't be the first person to post multiple threads, hoping that just one reply will tell her what she wants to hear, and do a disappearing act when that (obviously) doesn't happen....

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 17:21

No AF, was directed to rhubarb really. But if op doesn't take advice previously offered, well that's her own lookout.

Presumably she feeds this 'man/clothes and feeds the dc/pays the bills/rent/ buys groceries.... All on his behalf, yet she says he doesn't give her any money, only some for the dc?? That's ODD!

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 17:25

oh, sorry, I see

it's a valid question though isn't it

why do some women think this is all they deserve ?

how badly do they have to treat you before enough is enough

that's a rhetorical question btw, the answer is "as badly as you let them, by sticking around in the mistaken idea that a relationship like this is better than no relationship at all"

pengymum · 21/05/2012 21:39

Without legal proof of marriage, a spouse would not be granted a visa to enter the country as a spouse. Could enter as a visitor but that would be expensive, very difficult to get (need sponsors and/or means to support yourself without recourse to benefits) and limited time visa. This is particularly so for people from Indian subcontinent. Work permits are possible but again these are difficult to get. If the wife is from India then the chances are pretty certain that would have entered on a spouse visa.

Original poster

riamay2011 · 23/05/2012 12:37

AnyFucker-who are u to tell me when I should or should not come bk to a thread? If I want to start a new one I will. I find your responses very immature. Maybe I have posted previously but I dont feel I should be hounded by you for that. I'm not waiting to hear one thing that I think I should do. I'm merely seekin advice as I can't speak to people in RL as I hardly have any friends. I reported this post as I thought the responses were getting out o hand and MN is not the place it use to be anymore. It use to be a place ladies could post and get REAL advice not to be bitched at

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 23/05/2012 13:00

Any Fucker you get told you are insensitive quite a lot, don't you?

Don't get your counselling qualification any time soon. You know, people really DO what they can cope with at that moment with the sense of self they have, so flaming them is kind of counter-productive. Ria even posting is a flicker that her sense of self wants to grow. So what is telling her she is weak going to achieve?

Ria my love, you have got yourself into a bit of a pickle though haven't you? Rather a lot of warning signs ignored with determination whilst you proceeded with what YOU wanted. Thats the trouble with pain though: it doesn't go away because you want it to. It builds up, with interest.

But pain is also a warning (that you can't go on like this, your soul is hurting). So you have two choices: you can carry on at the expense of your self, or you can start developing yourself. The one thing you CANNOT do is hope and wish and change him into who you want him to be. He is doing his thing, the way he wants, for how long he can get away with it.

Olympia2012 · 23/05/2012 14:19

So what's the next move Ria?

TheRhubarb · 23/05/2012 14:19

Look Ria, you've had good advice. Some posters have spent quite a bit of time considering your problem and trying to offer you the best advice.

Mumsnet IS the place it always used to be. Don't post thinking you will get nothing but sympathy because I honestly don't think that is the best thing for you. Mumsnet is not a place where people will listen and go "oh poor you". It's a site with a lot of experienced and wise women who will give you the best advice on a situation, whether or not you want to use that advice is up to you. But not all of it will be easy for you to hear because the truth never is.

It's easy to turn around and blame others for your problems, but you are the only person who can change the situation that you are in.

You've had lots of good advice on this thread by posters who really have given you a lot of their time and thought, so it's hardly gracious to tell them that Mumsnet is not what it used to be. I've been here 10 years and it's EXACTLY how it used to be. You might have got more sympathy for your first couple of problems but of course if you post quite a few threads all wanting advice on the same situation then people are going to get pissed off. Because they can see that the time they put into trying to help you out has been wasted.

It's fine not to take that advice, no-one can force you to, but it's not so fine to then post about the same situation a few weeks later albeit with a slightly different problem and expect people to devote the same time to you on that occasion too.

You are in a shit situation, anyone can see that. You've have some bloody good advice about how to handle it. It's up to you where you go from here.

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