Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Found a condom

78 replies

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 09:52

So me and partner have been together for 4 yrs nearly we have two beautiful daughters. The other day I was getting DD car seat out of HIS van and found a condom in the door compartment. I asked him and he said it wasn't his. We've been having a lot of arguments in the last week and I didn't want to argue again so I just brushes it off. But deep down it's killing me. The use by date Is 2013 and I googled life span and it says 5 years so I trying to convince myself it's very old. I just don't know what to do he says he wouldn't do anything to jepeodise our relationship and he loves me a lot. I feel sick with worry

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:32

not legal

BobblyGussets · 21/05/2012 10:34

Piece a little hole in the condom through the packet and pop it back where you found it.

Then, get some self respect and leave the bastard.

He is either lying about big things: whether the marriage is legal or not

and/or values you too little to do a bit of paper work for the woman who has borne his two children.

You deserve better. Kick him out and get on to the CRB.

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 10:34

"even tho he said the marriage isn't registered here? "

Unregistered marriages are very common in both the Muslim and Hindu cultures.

OP, is your husband's marriage registered in India or did he have an unregistered marriage ceremony?

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 10:35

"Piece a little hole in the condom through the packet and pop it back where you found it." - shit advice. So you would want a child to be brought into the equation here too? You would happily see a woman go through an unwanted pregnancy just as an act of revenge?

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:40

Yes but you don't have to have been married here for your marriage to be legal. Although some aren't registered, very many are after the initial religious ceremony. So I don't think we can say as fact he isn't legally married. He very much sounds it.

noddyholder · 21/05/2012 10:42

Please do not pierce a condom What ridiculous immature 'advice'

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 10:52

Houseofplain, no you don't have to be married here but if all he had was a religious ceremony then here in the UK it is not legal. That's how I read her post, that the marriage was unregistered. Because if it was registered then there is no question that it's legal, no matter what country you legally get married in, it's binding. So when I read that I assumed he meant that the marriage was an unregistered one. Otherwise why would he say it?

Original poster

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 10:57

Apparently just registered in India but she lives here now

OP posts:

Original poster

riamay2011 · 21/05/2012 10:58

I agree about the condom comment is very ridiculous

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 10:59

See how I read it was.....she still has rights. As they are legally married, even though the marriage wasn't registered here.

That dosent mean he automatically had a non official ceremony only. To state as fact that his marriage is not legal and is unregistered, like you did. Is well misleading at best because you can't possibly know. As far as op knows he is married and very much sounds it.

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 11:00

So he got married and it was registered in India. There is your only problem op, he is married.

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 11:03

Ah right, so if the marriage was registered in India then it is fully binding here. Why then would he tell you that it was unregistered?

Seems as though he's just trying to squirm out of this. He doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to marry you.

Sorry, but you deserve someone better than that. Someone who is able to keep their dick in their pants, someone who is honest and someone who loves you enough to want to spend their lives with you. This man clearly doesn't. Even if you got married, would you trust him to change his ways and commit to you and you alone? He can't even stay faithful to his first wife, he can't be arsed to get a divorce and make the mother of his children his wife and he is not able to keep his trousers up.

If the van is his and the condom was on the drivers side then it is most definitely his. Esp when you couple that with the fact that he didn't want to live with you and used to disappear for 2 nights every week without any explanation to you. All the signs point to him cheating.

It's up to you if you want this to be your life? Your future? The example you set for your dds?

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 11:05

Houseofplain - I apologise. I read it differently. I don't see why he would mention it being unregistered as any marriage in any country is legal, so I thought he meant that he had just an unofficial marriage ceremony which is very common with Hindus and Muslims. Therefore it wasn't a huge stretch to think this is what he meant. I certainly didn't intend to deliberately mislead and I'm happy to be corrected.

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 11:06

Rhubarb he said it was unregistered HERE. But even so she had a claim on the house. If they bought. As obviously the marriage is legal and registered elsewhere.

He was saying it in the context of "she would have a claim on our house here, even though the marriage isn't registered here".

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 11:06

So how does it work financially op??

Houseofplain · 21/05/2012 11:07

You don't need to apologise, I always miss read just trying to clear the point up, as I see how you misread it. Op unfortunately has one issue. He's well and truly married and always will be....not to her :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2012 11:11

Whatever the truth of the situation, your relationship seems to be characterised by a few too many 'nasty surprises'. You either ignore your suspicions, roll over and tolerate them, leave (which it doesn't sound like you want to do), or make a stand, draw a few lines in the sand and demand action & explanations e.g. ending his first marriage properly.

lunar1 · 21/05/2012 11:33

My husbands first marriage was in India, it was arranged and convenient for both of them. It still counted as a marriage when they moved here and got divorced. Their divorce was no more complicated than any UK divorce.

anyfuckersfanjo · 21/05/2012 12:51

Hunni, he has had an arranged marriage, presumably to someone he doesnt love. Not doing the right thing, which is, to divorce her and then find someone else, he has latched on to you and has had babies. This man is a liar and a scumbag who is shagging multiple women. You are going to be dumped soon. Why are you with him despite knowing he is married to someone else ?

Abitwobblynow · 21/05/2012 13:03

Your whole relationship is based on a lie. That is what the condom represents.

WHY did you have two children with someone you knew was married?????

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 13:07

Well I'm wondering how he can support 2 households here..... Or does he make both 'wives' claim benefit to support themselves,and any children, and he flits between both houses taking what he wants and when!?

BobblyGussets · 21/05/2012 13:22

Apologies for condom comment. Whilst not a joke, it was said in annoyance at the OP's nn partner and not meant to be taken so literally.

Maybe instead, nail his cock to the floor with a rusty nail and that way no woman would be fooled again into reproducing with this character.

TheRhubarb · 21/05/2012 13:23

The OP said that he lied when they first met and she didn't know he was married. Then he told her that he was divorced. It's only since the birth of their second child (a few months ago according to her second post) that he admitted that he was not divorced.

She hasn't said that the first wife has any children so I'm presuming not.

However he is shagging someone, whether that is his wife or someone else we don't know. He has spent 2 nights away from home without any explanation and now she's found a condom in the driver's door of his owned van.

His explanation that it is not his is pants.

The OP needs to get the strength together to start issuing ultimations and insisting on being treated like a decent human being instead of a doormat.

cheeseandpineapple · 21/05/2012 13:25

Ria, I think he does want to be with you and your children but as others are saying, he wants it all and on his terms. That would be fine if you trusted him and were not worried about his other circumstances but in your own words, this situation is killing you and you're not the person you used to be.

He would have to make an almighty gesture to try and make things up to you but he doesn't sound like the type who can or will.

You ask how you can be happy with your kids if you move on.

You're not happy now plus you have lost your confidence.

If he truly can make the commitment you want and change his behaviour, fantastic, and absolutely wish you the best.

But if not, you deserve better, at least you might have a chance for happiness and restore your confidence if you move on. But if things don't change big time at home, you need to take control and be in charge of your happiness and self esteem, for your sake and sake of your girls.

I know, it's easier said than done to just leave him or kick him out. Hope you can find the courage to spell out to him what you want, take it step by step.

Olympia2012 · 21/05/2012 13:25

Op ... He also has 2 kids elsewhere with someone else I believe you have said previously

Flip

1 2 3 4