Advice on DH. Can't put my finger on it.

[eyesopen]

Hi there Mumsnetters

I just wondered if I could get some advice about my DH. Longish story so sorry. I met my DH over ten years ago through mutual friends. I had been warned off of him as he was a bit of a ladies man so initially we were just friends and we would see each other at the pub or at BBQs etc. One evening we got chatting and I realised we had a lot in common. He's quite a outdoorsy sort of guy, very charming and funny and I love any active sports so one weekend we went on a really long walk together and lunch and I ended up staying over at his flat. You can guess the rest! Long story short - we ended up going out together but I always had the feeling he maybe saw other women just on the side. Nothing proved. After dating for a year, he announced that he was moving jobs and was going to live abroad and would I like to join him. I was initially very excited but then felt daunted that I would miss my friends and family. We ended up being away for 18 months, I wasn't particularly happy but I was with him so and before we returned home he proposed and said he couldn't imagine life without me! We moved back to the UK and nearer to my family, I was having visions of us spending lots of time together but he was always away with work, on trips, seminars etc and I started to feel pretty lonely. Added to this after our wedding we had problems getting pregnant and I felt like DH blamed me. He said that I took all the romance and fun out of trying and sometimes this made him feel unsexy and his words "a sperm donor".
After trying for 2 years I got pregnant and we now have a much-wanted DD aged 1. The main problem is this, we don't have sex anymore and haven't since I got pregnant. Intially I was happy to have sex but my DH said the thought of the baby was off-putting. (??) Knowing that my husband has been highly sexed and has slept with a lot of women I am wondering whether he is seeing someone else. He doesn't seem unhappy anymore, but before when we weren't doing it he seemed snappy and annoyed at me. As most people know here, babies can be a real passion killer and after I gave birth my body and intimate areas felt very different. Always been trim, enjoyed sex but these days I feel tired, old and fat. I don't want my DH to think I don't trust him but I have this niggly feeling that I'm sharing him with somebody else. Also when we were first seeing each other he said he had slept with 'about 30' women but then a friend that knew him before we were together said it was 'closer to 100'. Any advice much appreciated.

He's always played tennis we both have but it was rather chilly in * this pm so I said I would stay with dd and do some laundry.

He is a good father to dd but I think there is a lot of "look we have kids and we are soooo happy" sort of thing and therefore I guess some people think it will be a breeze. You know what I mean... Competitive happiness.

Really? Do you need more reason than him telling you quite baldly that your relationship as-was is over and done?

I'm giving him credit for being so frank. He has laid it all out there and I do actually think that's admirable.

What does he think your relationship is going to be now?

qupilite - do you think he has said its over but doesn't want to get divorced iyswim?

Is it over anyway?

Where did he think babies came from, the stork?
And most men do resume a sex life with their dp/dw after the baby is born, maybe not immediately but at some point. And most men are present at the birth, these days.
Do you want another dc? If so, probably best to split up from this man, who frankly doesn't sound good enough for you, anyway!

I think this deserves another conversation, for you to be clear.

You're afraid he's having an affair, but to be fair he says no and you have no evidence of one. So, for the moment, let's believe him.

Regardless of whether there's another woman (women?), you need to decide if you still have a relationship with him worth having. Is sex really over and done between you? Is he going to be permanently resentful of your child, or of your love and attention to your child? Does he want to be with you anymore? (Do you want to be with him?)

I did ideally want 2 children I didn't want my dd to be an only child.

I grew up with two brothers and have great memories of all the things we got up to.

I didn't force him to watch me push our dd out ffs I thought he was an adult! Now I'm some heffer in the bloody farm yard in his eyes!

I thought sex would have resumed after my six week check. But no. I was on a diet and doing gentle exercise to try and lose weight as I had gone from a 12 to an 16/18. Things were going well and I got back to a 14 and bought new posh knickers etc but nothing.

He kept saying he was tired/baby might wake/not in the mood. So I was thinking it must be the way I feel now. We had been snogging/heavy petting then he said "oh it feels different"

Great feel really sexy now

So you haven't had sex for over a year. Do you honestly believe he hasn't?

He says this is how it is (how come he gets to decide if you will ever be allowed to have sex again?). Do you honestly believe he is accepting these terms also for himself? Genuine question. If you sit and think about it, do you really truly believe he has not had sex at all in the past year and is happily saying he (and you) will not be having sex again.

How much did he want to have sex before (you don't have to answer this btw, just think it would be useful for you. If he only wanted it once a month or so, maybe it's not too much of a stretch, but if he was several times a week to zero - hmmm)

WRT other children, you say "I did ideally want 2 children I didn't want my dd to be an only child. ". SOunds like you're talking in the past tense and have given up and accepted his terms already. What do you want?

Does he work late/go in early/go away for business?

I agree with whoever said it earlier. I don't think I#ve ever read on here a thread where someone has had suspicions and it turns out they were wrong. You've got suspicions because there is something wrong. And it's not all in your head.

Are you planning on having another chat to say, actually, let's not leave it at that - I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, are you planning on being so, I want another dc etc etc.

Great post from garlic

Agree great post from garlic

OP you sound very naive sweet and far too trusting. I admire people with such optimism but it really does sound like he's just used to running rings round you.

I'm struggling to see why you would want another child with him. He's gone off you after the last birth and finds having a child quite irksome by the sounds of things. If you insist on staying with him, that really would be the death knell for your self respect surely?

And this - "I did ideally want 2 children I didn't want my dd to be an only child". You think being an only child is somehow 'worse' for your DD than having a down-trodden mother whose self-esteem has been and will continue to be eroded over the years. Sorry but you learned this position from your own mother - please don't teach it to your DD just because you don't want her to be an only child.

I have to post about the his comments re. you giving birth:

OP, we had an unplanned pregnancy and by the time I was in labour my DP was still in "fuck I want to be anywhere rather than here, I dont want a baby, panic!!!" mode. However he recognised that no matter how traumatic it was for him, it was much worse for me, and because he loves me and wouldn't want me to feel hurt he sucked it up and was fantastic and supportive. And now he recognises that I was brave and amazing to go through that to give US a child. He would never think otherwise because he is proud of me for giving birth and has developed a new and deeper respect for me as a result. This is despite the fact that it was scary and unpleasant to watch. Even if he wa traumatised, your DH should not be telling you that if he values and cherishes you.

throughout your posts there is a theme of you thinking he's special and you are lucky. In a good relationship you should both feel that for the other. His absence of this leave him open to temptation IMO - you wouldn't cheat on him because you think he's amazing and wouldn't want to lose him. He clearly doesn't have those feelings to stop him. and what you need to ask yourself is, Do you really want to always be checking his phone and wondering if he really is at work? Because that kind of love will not grow overnight. If its not there at the beginning it never will be.

With regards to sex pre dd we used to definitely have it 3 or 4 times a week usually a couple of times at the weekend. We both enjoyed sex a lot and it was moderately adventurous. But I found once pg DH didn't want to know even though I was happy to still have sex. At the moment I have to be content with my lelo which does a job but I miss the intimacy and fun of love making and wonder where my DH is getting his thrills.

I have decided not to talk to DH again as one poster said I should be looking for his secret phone and perhaps stop being naive.

eyesopen, in what way will finding evidence of his (probable) alternative sex life help you?

You may be unconsciously hoping a confrontation will result in his realising what a treasure he has in you, re-swearing his fidelity - or, in your case, swearing it for the first time - and rediscovering your sex appeal. It won't happen. He'll change his methods. He's incapable of discovering your sexuality because you are the Mother Of His Child and, to him, that's a different creature from a sexual woman. He's told you this fairly & squarely :(

Thank you, AThing and allnew :)

OP, I agree with qupilite that "it's over" meaning the sexual love part of your marriage is over. As H says, it was a phase although you didn't realise that. THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT SEXY. It means you've moved out of the 'sexy' realm for HIM. Think of it as just the way he's made, if it helps you ... I think of it more as ruthless sexism but, in the end, you can't change a person's sexual preferences.

I suggest you start by making over the spare bedroom so you each have a comfortable room of your own.

Here's a thought: the Madonna/Whore thing might be real, or alternatively he might be diverting attention away from the real issue.

I'm not saying he's deliberately pretending to have a Madonna/whore complex. I think he's been challenged on his behaviour and has come up with any old way to make everything your 'fault', and not just about sex:

• He's blaming you/your family for forcing him to be present at the birth and thus be too traumatised to have sex with you. But he didn't object at the time

• He's blaming you for 'ignoring' him after the birth of your DD. How dare you cause him to feel that there's someone who needs you more than him? Did he take on his fair share of child are/housework to allow you to take a breather? Did he insist on getting up to do night wakings with EBM or formula? Early mornings?

• You have different ideas about having another child. He could have said either a) he's changed his mind or b) you both failed to communicate this properly, or c) neither of you realised what you wanted until you had your first. But instead he's telling you the disconnect is due to an impression you gave and something you said when you were dating, something that you cannot even remember saying.

-He then says that you can't have another child because you want a private education for your DC.

• The one time you started to get intimate, he pulls back and says "it feels different." This would an extremely hurtful and insensitive thing to say at the best of times. In the context of his behaviour, it looks almost designed to scare you off initiating sex ever again. Was he abjectly sorry for this comment? Did he try to make you feel better? OP Don't fall for this nonsense and think that on the basis of what he said after a quick fondle that there's something wrong with you.

Added to all of this is a complete unwillingness to address the issue, regardless of the pain it's causing you. Whilst he's happy to have you on his arm as his wife and maintain a certain image of the perfect family man, OP I think something else is going on. He'd rather make you feel that it's all your fault. No matter what's at the root of it (Madonna/whore, affair, both) this marks him out as thoroughly unpleasant.

"Added to this after our wedding we had problems getting pregnant and I felt like DH blamed me. He said that I took all the romance and fun out of trying and sometimes this made him feel unsexy and his words "a sperm donor""

Could it be that as soon as your focus wasn't entirely on him - sex was about having a baby rather than about worshipping him - he got annoyed. I wouldn't be surprised if that was when he started an affair.

Just a thought.

Theregoes - thank you for the detailed thoughts and analysis. It has made me think so much about my life things that I have been just accepting and taking for granted.

I thought that my DH was sort of typical of some men and that over time and as DD gets older that his attitude would change and perhaps treat me and behave similar to when we were dating.

I did think that he was in shock over having a child as I know that some people (men and women) cannot grasp how much their life has changed. Especially when you have children in your 30s (as many do) and have had many years of freedom, pleasing yourself, relaxed calm atmosphere iyswim.

I am rethinking this and I am going to talk to DH and see if there is any way forward. If it seems that our relationship is more friendship I am now seriously thinking about asking DH to move out and into his mother's granny flat to get some breathing space. I'm sure his mother wouldn't mind (she lives in France) as DH has a key to keep an eye on things for her.

Good luck with that conversation!

Do you think he will agree to this? It does sound like he's quite happy with the way things are and I imagine he may not be that amenable to moving out but I hope I'm wrong.

Just wondering how you are op...

Really found this post interesting. It rings a lot of bells as to how Mr Wobbly men split woemn into sexual beings and housewives/mothers.

Has anyone heard from this good person?

OP, you've married an Alpha male and none of this should really come as a surprise. Was his personality not known to you before you married? The trouble is, women never seem to be attracted to nice guys and "Beta" males, but want charming, self-centred, "dangerous" men with a past and a big salary and then wonder why they get treated like this.

The answers are all there in your posts. I think it is very likely, more than probable he is seeing someone else.

And still, I think we put far too many expectations on our (long-term) relationships. It is understandable that after years together the sexual attraction wanes. Although I do think your husband sounds like an immature twat but then you must have known that before.

If he has a discreet affair, so what.

And I think snooping around his things is really sad.

An Alpha male ?

So treating a woman like a brood mare/ maid is admirable?

Like fuck it is?

Who said being an Alpha male is admirable? Certainly not me.

Braaaaaiins!

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

It would have been more appropriate to have started your own thread with a reference to this one, Wobbly, or to have provided a link on the thread you began yesterday.

As it is, others will now waste spend time responding long after the event and the OP are gone.