You sound awfully sweet, eyesopen. Supper in the garden will be nice if the weather remembers it's late May, yes. As a response to your husband's shattering revelations about how he sees you, it's poignantly sad. The poignancy is because you're attempting to heal the wound by fulfilling the stereotype inflicted on you.
Well done for broaching the subject, by the way. I bet you're wishing you hadn't but, well, you were feeling torn up so the façade was already cracking.
OK, so. What he's said is (to paraphrase):-
~ He only thinks of a vagina as a sex organ for a man to push things in.
~ When a woman pushes something out (his baby), it is no longer a sex organ.
~ Thus, the mother of his child cannot be sexual.
~ The role of Wife and Mother is different from that of Woman.
~ He loves you as a Wife and Mother.
~ This appears to be a different kind of love from what he feels for sexual women.
~ The love he had for you before pregnancy may be different again.
~ He is not interested in changing your relationship.
~ He refuses to consider your body sexual, as it's now given birth.
~ You can like it or lump it.
That last point actually has a third part: the expression is "Like it, lump it or leave it." I thought it worth reminding you, as he seems to have forgotten!
The above is depressing, but not the end of the world. An intelligent and accomplished woman, such as yourself, has options. They include:
- Resign yourself to serene chastity, rather like the stereotypical Edwardian lady.
- Have passionate, secret affairs while appearing chaste, rather like Lady Chatterly.
- Resolve to set yourself free, and plan your divorce as meticulously as you plan your suppers.
Option 4 - keep railing at an immovable obstacle - is unwise. It will make you very unhappy and tarnish DD's emotional background.
There is no Option 5. He's just told you he won't change. That was honest. He'll despise your efforts to change him, and you will fail.
Please reconsider the Edwardian lady. She had to wear bloody stupid clothes but, otherwise, her life wasn't as dull as it looks. Between flower arrangements she was adventurously active, passionately political and serially unfaithful. She fulfilled the duties your H expects of you most admirably. Like a swan, she sailed smoothly on the glossy surface of her life while churning the waters underneath!
This seems to be the model your mother anachronistically adopted.
If you can't face it - I suspect you can't; you want, quite reasonably, to be appreciated for the whole person you are instead of A Role - I strongly recommend Option 3.
How are you feeling? Depressed, determined, scared, or what?