Advice on DH. Can't put my finger on it.

[eyesopen]

Hi there Mumsnetters

I just wondered if I could get some advice about my DH. Longish story so sorry. I met my DH over ten years ago through mutual friends. I had been warned off of him as he was a bit of a ladies man so initially we were just friends and we would see each other at the pub or at BBQs etc. One evening we got chatting and I realised we had a lot in common. He's quite a outdoorsy sort of guy, very charming and funny and I love any active sports so one weekend we went on a really long walk together and lunch and I ended up staying over at his flat. You can guess the rest! Long story short - we ended up going out together but I always had the feeling he maybe saw other women just on the side. Nothing proved. After dating for a year, he announced that he was moving jobs and was going to live abroad and would I like to join him. I was initially very excited but then felt daunted that I would miss my friends and family. We ended up being away for 18 months, I wasn't particularly happy but I was with him so and before we returned home he proposed and said he couldn't imagine life without me! We moved back to the UK and nearer to my family, I was having visions of us spending lots of time together but he was always away with work, on trips, seminars etc and I started to feel pretty lonely. Added to this after our wedding we had problems getting pregnant and I felt like DH blamed me. He said that I took all the romance and fun out of trying and sometimes this made him feel unsexy and his words "a sperm donor".
After trying for 2 years I got pregnant and we now have a much-wanted DD aged 1. The main problem is this, we don't have sex anymore and haven't since I got pregnant. Intially I was happy to have sex but my DH said the thought of the baby was off-putting. (??) Knowing that my husband has been highly sexed and has slept with a lot of women I am wondering whether he is seeing someone else. He doesn't seem unhappy anymore, but before when we weren't doing it he seemed snappy and annoyed at me. As most people know here, babies can be a real passion killer and after I gave birth my body and intimate areas felt very different. Always been trim, enjoyed sex but these days I feel tired, old and fat. I don't want my DH to think I don't trust him but I have this niggly feeling that I'm sharing him with somebody else. Also when we were first seeing each other he said he had slept with 'about 30' women but then a friend that knew him before we were together said it was 'closer to 100'. Any advice much appreciated.

Why do you think he chose you to be his wife?

Because you can be such a doormat and will let him behave how he wants knowing you will be there in the background as his housekeeper, nanny, cleaner, cook etc?

I think you deserve so much more.

I'm going to try and sit down after dinner tonight and have a talk. Maybe try and find out why our sex life is so dire!

So would you rather be his wife and caretaker because he "picked" you. Don't you have any choice in the matter?
You have a choice to be in a happy and loving relationship.
What happens when your child is grown up?There will be nothing to keep him with you and he'll be off.
Do you not feel as though every happy moment with him is tainted with the thought "is he actually happy?is he fucking someone else?"
You need to work out what your deal breakers are..If you want to be a "wife" and caretaker of your child together then turn a blind eye.
You deserve so much more though..and if he isn't smart enough to see what he has then its his loss and you'd be better off on your own than in this mental torture.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you need to address this. Big cuddle!

I think anyfucker is right. He wants you to put up and shut up, and in a way this is what you've been doing. Please don't be scared of losing him-why would you want to stay with someone who has sex with other people, whether emotions are involved or not?

Really think you need to find out the truth soon. Good luck to you, you will be much better off in the long run.

You are going to have a bit of a job completely changing the terms of a relationship with a man who seems to be a bit bored of you.

Of course he's sleeping with other people. He always has been, and you were OK with that.

You never asked for an exclusive relationship, so you don't have one.

Your entire relationship is openly based on the fact that he is better than you, that you know and accept that, and that you are lucky that he chose you as cook and chief bottle washer.

"There is part of me that feels out of all the women he's had he picked me to be his wife. I would hate to lose that."

Well then you know his terms.

If you want a relationship of equals you have to feel like an equal, value yourself as an equal and insist on being treated as an equal.

You can try renegotiating the terms of your marriage, but I don't fancy your chances TBH.

did he always used to run to the shower the minute he got in or is this new-ish?

Good luck with talk tonight. I suggest get baby into bed, then sit down to dinner or a drink if you've already eaten, then just matter of fact-ly ask some very direct questions. I find men (the ones I know) respond much better when they are crystal clear what the topic is, and when I get crisply to the point in a clear and calm manner.

If you are waffly or emotional he will use it as an excuse to do the eye roll thing and get annoyed. If however you are calm and direct and he still gets immediately angry, defensive, won't talk, answer questions etc then I would take that as enough said, reading between the lines. Guilty people jump to their defence and get angry ime

He won't feel guilty for doing something he's always felt (largely correctly) he had permission to do.

He'll feel irritated that the girl he married for her pliability and blind eye is suddenly asking impertinent questions.

ok, but either way he will be angry and irritated if he' sup to something, regardless of the reason (if not guilt, then irritation as you probably correctly say).

If he's not up to anything and loves her, he should be able to manage a calm and rational chat.

Oh dear, I think you need to have that chat. I know you say you would hate to be a single mum. I had the same concern and fear. But I worked through it, and DH didn't leave me, I left him. Our DD was 21 months old, and I had to support us, but I've never looked back. I felt I really had to be an example/role model of a strong woman to DD, and that really helped me to do what was right for both of us. I expected to be alone for the rest of my life but happily I am now married to the most wonderful man. I know he would never cheat, like my ex did, and is such a good father to my eldest DD and our youngest DD. Life has a way of working out. I wish you courage, and the ability to see that you deserve better. Better to love yourself and be alone, than to be in a loveless relationship. You may be surprised though. Hopefully you will find that DH listens to your concerns, and that you can build a better relationship. If not, you'll be just fine, but you need to realise that for yourself.

Don't you want to be with a man who loves you, respects you and adores you?

Agree with most of the others. You have no boundaries in the relationship, you don't want to rock the boat, you don't view yourself as worthy of him (no idea why as he sounds like an arse) and have him up on a pedestal.

I find it interesting that in the example you gave above about your friend who asked where the relationship was going and got dumped, you thing it was her fault for asking the question. It was a perfectly reasonable question, her partner was just a knob. It was his fault that the relationship ended not hers. It is not unreasonable to have expectations of a future and standards of behaviour in a healthy relationship. It is also not unreasonable to have your needs and wants to be met or at the very very least, taken into consideration.

As AF said if you think that he is going to end your marriage over being confronted, then you have your answer. He is really sounding like he is not worthy of you.

I think you should read a bit more about this before doing anything. It's quite a shock when you realise that you should be asking for a lot more than you're already getting. Good luck to you. The Verbally Abusive Relationship book would be very helpful by the title. Don't be put off by the title- a lot of behaviours your OH shows feature in the book.

I'm with those who think your DH does not respect you and he married you so he would have a convenient something who cooks and cleans at home but any more than that, you are just background noise to him.

You do need to start realising that you matter as a person, did you get treated like nohting when you were growing up?
You don't appear to think you deserve happiness or to have your feelings considered.

The way he trivialises your feelings - that is emotional abuse, it is controlling and belittling too.

The fact people tried to warn you off him in the begining speaks volumes about what he is actually like.

I don't think you should have a chat with him. Not yet at any rate.

Read some of the books recommended first, maybe go and have some counselling.

Work out clearly in your own head what kind of relationship you have, and why that is all you thought you deserved.

Do some work on yourself so you are no longer afraid that he'll leave you.

There is no point in asking him to treat you better if you do it from a position of such weakness. For it to mean anything to him he needs to know that the current deal is off the table and that you will walk away if the status quo continues.

If he knows (and he does, only too well) that you are terrified of losing him he will continue to assert his dominance as he always has.

You need to be in a much stronger position before raising this. And then it needs to be a full and frank recognition of the reality of your relationship while giving him notice that those terms are no longer acceptable to you.

Wheedling and begging won't work.

He might not like you strong and assertive. But I'd put good money on it that strong and assertive you won't much like him either.

Oh dear, you really are worth more than this you know. Well, you don't know sadly otherwise you wouldn't put up with it.

I used to be like you. I really believed I had to hide my real feelings, avoid confrontation and 'The Talk' at all costs in case I frightened 'The Man' away. I didn't believe I was worth any more than this. The thing is, living like this just eats away at your self-esteem, eroding any little confidence you do have and won't do you any favours. It won't do your DD any favours either to grow up believing that women are just slaves whose function is to serve men.

I suggest you read up about emotional abuse to discover what you are living with ( this site is good ), read about assertiveness ( for example, see this bill of rights ) and do some kind of counselling to get to the bottom of why you don't value yourself more.

You can be in control of your own life rather than being beholden to tossers like your H. The problem isn't really about finding out whether he's cheating (I think it's pretty unlikely he isn't from the information you've given here) unless that gives you the impetus you need to get him out of your life, but about why you have put up with it for so long and what you can do to make your life better. If you can find out how to love yourself you will realise that you deserve so much more than this.

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it :) its so much easier to talk about it here than in rl. I tried to talk to my mum but she's from a generation who think unless he's hitting you you stay and make it work. Nobody wants to start blurting around that they're most likely (now I get some feedback) being used and cheated on.

I think I will hold off on the chat. I'm not quite sure what to say and fear it might turn into a full scale row with tears.

The whole showering thing has been the case r daughter since our daughter was born. I thought initially he didn't want to spread germs near our dd.

With regards to boundaries I think I felt that when we were living abroad that cemented our relationship and I didn't feel I needed to sit him down like a naughty schoolboy and double check he wasn't seeing one of his floozies.

OP

Yes, sounds to me he's one of life's self entitled lotharios.

Get yourself sorted as in racking up your self esteem in the way's these other wise MNers have said.

Distance yourself and watch for a while to let everything sink in.

Plan your departure.

"With regards to boundaries I think I felt that when we were living abroad that cemented our relationship and I didn't feel I needed to sit him down like a naughty schoolboy and double check he wasn't seeing one of his floozies."

My guess is that it cemented his view that you would always be happy to put your needs and wants second to his (you did, after all, drop everything to follow an unfaithful man abroad) and that made you the perfect woman to marry.

Presuming he was going to stop with the floozies was very naive.

missfaversham I think you have him down to a t. Sadly. I think he likes his ego boosted. Around our friends he's always very cordial and charming and I sometimes feel he likes to make out we are the perfect couple. I guess what he's thinking..." she's a sensible choice wife who won't leave me and can have my kids and keep house. Like a bloody brood mare. F* my life's a joke.

Plan to leave? Is it really at that stage already? :(

You don't need to think about leaving just yet - although at some stage down the line, you might decide it's the best thing. I always think it's a process coming to terms with this kind of thing.

Just keep getting informed about his behaviour and what constitutes equal relationships. Start to think about what would make YOU happier. Read as much as you can and keep posting on here if it helps.

The problem is my mum helps me out with dd and the main thing about moving home is that I persuaded dh to move near my family. So I guess in some ways I do value what my DM says. To an extent.

My mother confessed to me that my father, who died last year, had a mistress when she was pregnant as ' a lot of men did then'. She said it didn't bother her as "he was hardly going to run off with a 22 year old typist". (????)

Confused now :|

Unfortunately, from what I've seen over the years, these types of men don't change their spots, some women stay and conduct a life of their own too (Lord LongLeat and his wife are a for-instance. So is Tom Jones and his)

You have to decide whether you want to do this. I personally couldn't.

Sounds like you've absorbed a lot of your mother's way of thinking.

I think what might give you the push you need to value yourself more is thinking about how you would want your DD's life to turn out and whether you would want her to put up with a man like your H. Your upbringing does colour your way of seeing things.

You do not have to leave but its the only option if you can't live like this.

In the meantime I would work on building your own life - friends, hobbies, training/work as this will help strengthen your position as well as boost your self esteem.