Advice on DH. Can't put my finger on it.

[eyesopen]

Hi there Mumsnetters

I just wondered if I could get some advice about my DH. Longish story so sorry. I met my DH over ten years ago through mutual friends. I had been warned off of him as he was a bit of a ladies man so initially we were just friends and we would see each other at the pub or at BBQs etc. One evening we got chatting and I realised we had a lot in common. He's quite a outdoorsy sort of guy, very charming and funny and I love any active sports so one weekend we went on a really long walk together and lunch and I ended up staying over at his flat. You can guess the rest! Long story short - we ended up going out together but I always had the feeling he maybe saw other women just on the side. Nothing proved. After dating for a year, he announced that he was moving jobs and was going to live abroad and would I like to join him. I was initially very excited but then felt daunted that I would miss my friends and family. We ended up being away for 18 months, I wasn't particularly happy but I was with him so and before we returned home he proposed and said he couldn't imagine life without me! We moved back to the UK and nearer to my family, I was having visions of us spending lots of time together but he was always away with work, on trips, seminars etc and I started to feel pretty lonely. Added to this after our wedding we had problems getting pregnant and I felt like DH blamed me. He said that I took all the romance and fun out of trying and sometimes this made him feel unsexy and his words "a sperm donor".
After trying for 2 years I got pregnant and we now have a much-wanted DD aged 1. The main problem is this, we don't have sex anymore and haven't since I got pregnant. Intially I was happy to have sex but my DH said the thought of the baby was off-putting. (??) Knowing that my husband has been highly sexed and has slept with a lot of women I am wondering whether he is seeing someone else. He doesn't seem unhappy anymore, but before when we weren't doing it he seemed snappy and annoyed at me. As most people know here, babies can be a real passion killer and after I gave birth my body and intimate areas felt very different. Always been trim, enjoyed sex but these days I feel tired, old and fat. I don't want my DH to think I don't trust him but I have this niggly feeling that I'm sharing him with somebody else. Also when we were first seeing each other he said he had slept with 'about 30' women but then a friend that knew him before we were together said it was 'closer to 100'. Any advice much appreciated.

I think obviously your mothers attitude and experiences rub off on you. At the moment I don't have anything concrete that he's cheating just a feeling. Tbh I'm not sure where to start. Wouldn't it be incredibly difficult unless I literally followed him secretly?
Thank you for the advice re working on myself and self-esteem. Perhaps I shouldn't have been such an idiot especially as I knew his past. I thought deep down that dh wanted a down to earth kind of girl to spend his life with rather than all the meaningless shags/ lovers/ bits on the side. I'm supposed to be cooking dh and i dinner tonight but now my heads everywhere.

I meant a special Friday night dinner. I always cook dinner iyswim.

"I thought deep down that dh wanted a down to earth kind of girl to spend his life with rather than all the meaningless shags/ lovers/ bits on the side."

Sounds like deep down he wanted both.

I meant a special Friday night dinner. I always cook dinner iyswim

That's nice for him.

I'd call him and say I'd had a bit of a day of it and could he bring home a take-away.

You're not an idiot. Your parents bestowed you with some mixed-up values, and he rather took advantage of that.

Yes, I trust your gut feeling about the cheating. All logic, alongside what you've shared about your mother's passivity, says it's very likely true.

You will probably need to work out quite a bit of stuff about yourself, what you want and what you'll tolerate. It seems you're already clear that you don't want secrecy, but not yet sure what you'll do with openness when you have it. Give yourself a bit of space! Doesn't have to be bitten off all at once.

Yes, get him to buy dinner in. It's a good start :)

I agree with garlic, you're not an idiot at all. You did the best with your knowledge and resources at the time.

But now you are beginning to question things you can learn how to change things and make a better life for yourself.

I have called him and he said he'd pick up one of those £10 dinners from waitrose.

I've decided that I might have a chat maybe not THE chat but perhaps get a feeling for where we are going. I love him and don't want to lose him but on the other hand I'm really not prepared to stand by and let him potentially carry on adulterous affairs him in the knowledge I'm such a bloody sap ( it would seem) that I'm not going to quarrel about it.

Blinkers off now. Thank you for advice/support mntters

Good luck eyesopen keep us posted!

I will try and post later if I get the chance.

All of your advice has been invaluable if not a little upsetting.

In a cathartic way :-/

Your Mum's opinions ring bells with me - my Mum made such a thing about sticking by your husband and waiting on them hand and foot, always putting others first etc. I ended up with a man who turned violent and abusive, and stayed there through 7 years of it!! Counselling helped me gain self-esteem and eventually the strength to get him to leave. Maybe counselling is the route for you to learn to value yourself and to open your eyes to what you could have, not the disrespect shown by your h?

How did the dinner go OP??

Hope you are ok.

Hi there

So dinner on Friday went ok and afterwards we were having a drink in the sitting room and I said to DH that I wanted to chat about a few things. He was like ok what's up. I asked him why he didn't seem interested in sex anymore with me and I thought he seemed distant and was something wrong. He kind of looked uncomfortable and said that to be honest since we had DD he doesn't really feel that sexy or turned on. He said that before I had her he had said that he didn't want to see me giving birth but had felt pressurised by me and my family that he should be there. He said it was rather horrifying to see me like that and that he really wished that he had stayed outside. I was pretty shocked and said that he didn't have to be there but thought he wanted to.

It would seem not.

I then got a bit upset and annoyed and basically ask him whether he was seeing anybody else. He, of course, straight away denied it and said he was sorry that he's been so busy recently but he's only working hard to provide for us. He said that he really doesn't see that changing.

Then he said that whilst we are the subject of our life/marriage he categorically does not want anymore children and said that I am with the wrong person if I think he wants the house full of screaming children. I said that I thought we might try for one more maybe and he said that when we were dating he got the impression I wasn't fussed about kids and saw how stressed/unhappy some of my friends were. (I don't remember saying this)

He also said that if I wanted DD to attend a private pre-school and school (which I do) that we can't afford it with more than one child. He then said that we could happily have another child "if you want them to be schooled with chavs"

He has gone to play tennis this afternoon so I have been catching up with the washing and laundry which I find therapeutic.

I don't know where to go from here.

If I had that conversation with my H, I would conclude that I was married to an arsehole

yes i feel like that more and more.

I was really shocked what he said about DD's birth. He's never said that to me before. Feel awful now.

And embarrassed that my husband obviously no longer fancies me because I'm some slut with my scanties round my ankles. sorry.

He's an arsehole, isn't he OP?

Where do you want to go.

Your discussion seems to have disturbed you more than it has cleared the air.

Is tennis something he does, or is this 'tennis'. My dad used to 'play golf'

not

It kind of did clear the air a bit until he said his bit. Tbbh I went for a drive on my own just to clear my head and have a cry. But feel so confused about his feelings about me.

I asked him whether he still loves me and he said "of course...I love you to bits"

Hmmmmm

He said that he doesn't need counselling that I'm his wife and a mother, He loves me and "Let's leave it at that".

He said that he knew that things would be different after we had DD but nothing prepared him for seeing me like that, the way I 'ignored him' afterwards and that I should just accept that our relationship is in another phase.

I don't buy this as I have friends with children who still have fun, maybe less frequent but active sex lives.

He really does sound like a knob.

From your posts eyesopen you sound like you barely know him, let alone are close to him. Do you feel like you have a close relationship.

Sounds a bit like the Madonna/Whore complex to me, sadly.

Fair enough your relationship is in another phase but not a good one.. If he seems happy with this relationship then there's something wrong in this. I don't know anyone who would be happy with this "Lets leave it at that??you're just a wife and mother"
What about a lover??
Hate to echo everyone else..but he sounds like a dick!