DP just walked out on us.

[revolutionconfirmed]

DP walked out on us about an hour ago. We've been together 3 years. He took on my eldest DD who's 4 next month and we have a 17 month old DD together. We've had our ups and downs but were mainly happy and I'm 100% sure there is nobody else as he has no phone, rarely uses the internet and since he doesn't work only goes out one day from 8am to 4pm for his part time college course. I'm unemployed with bi polar and fibromyalgia and while have issues am trying to even them out with medication.

The row started today over money. We're on a tight budget being unemployed and our last £20 was supposed to be spent on emergencies only. He went out and bought crisps, pasties, doughnuts and crap equating to £10. I tried to explain that we didn't need it but he said it was for us. He knows I'm on a diet and a strict budget but it didn't matter to him. He stormed into the other room and ignored me. I tried to explain again and he said he didn't want to deal with my pain or issues anymore and I can fuck off. That's when he pushed me out of the way and sodded off. When he earns the money that keeps us, him amd his son on the weekends je can choose how it's spent.

He holds it over my head that I don't love his son. I accept him, treat him as my own but I don't love him and DP can't understand why if he took on my daughter and adopted her etc. I can't explain it but I can't help how I feel. If DP wanted him here full time I'd have him.in an.instant. He's unrealistic too. He doesn't work and hasn't properly in two years due to one day of college a week. After the nextyear of his electrical course he wants to go to university fir three years full time. He doesn't seem to care that he has three children to support. He's t6 years old so not a boy!

I don't know if he'll come back. The children are distraught with the shouting, I took £10 out of my savings to buy cigarettes which ruined 13 days of quitting and I don't know what to do. I'm really just trying to get advice and make it to the children's bed time without breaking down.

I just want him to come home, apologise, say he'll get a part time job to make finances that little bit easier and I'll pull my weight, speed up my recovery any way I can etc. Yesterday we were so happy. We had sex, cooked dinner together, watched The Apprentice...now this.

Everything is topsy turvy and I need wine.

I can't afford wine anyway [huff].

Looks like it's another morning on the wagon!

No, I've not heard anything. I stayed awake all night stupidly for whatever reason and in around half an hour the girls will be up needing to be bathed, made breakfast etc. I'm hoping I can settle them down in front of Dora and have a lazy day as I have no intention of doing anything mentally strenuous today.

Feeling alright. Not brilliant but haven't cried much. I'm still at a bit of a loss, I think. Nothing feels 'right' but it doesn't feel wrong either. Just an air of oddity about this entire situation.

OP - you didn't mention his DS in your family unit set up so he maybe has a point.

Mentioning our family set up in the OP? In the beginning I mentioned just us three because he did take on DD1 and DD2 is ours. His son came into it when I mentioned him in the OP.

What does he have a point about? I don't love his DS but I do like him, accept him and treat him as the other when he's here, think of him when we plan rare day trips, factor him into all wedding invitations etc.

Maybe he feels the same way about your 4 year old?

That's fine if he does. If he accepts her, tends to her needs, treats her no differently to his other children what's the issue?

What do you mean 'get off the step parent wagon'?? I think we are allowed to post what we like? And no individual can tell another what they can/can't post?

Op... It may be relevant in his mind? Guess you won't know much mire til he comes back and speaks to you.

I'm sure it is relevant to him but I'm trying my best and he knows that. He's known it for a year since the cards have been on the table. DP just brings it up because he knows it hurts me to talk about it, usually in an argument when he wants to win. I have no real comeback to that apart from ?I'm trying and will continue to try? as you can see.

For somebody who are out of work and with ill health, I cannot believe you mourn the lack of wine and cigarettes, and eat crap like donuts and crisps.

Neither is going to help your finances and your health.

No sign of him yet?

And yes, agree with quintessential about the junk! You sound quite ill. But were doing well with quitting smoking, maybe you could view this as a new start?

Stepson doesn't live with them.

From OP's OP:-

If DP wanted him here full time I'd have him.in an.instant.

Rev, you're right, he is 'unrealistic'. Some might say selfish, lazy, greedy:
He doesn't work and hasn't properly in two years due to one day of college a week.

we now rely solely on my ESA and tax credits as he quit his job in a kitchen that lasted a month as I was getting so bad in the nights.

He's choosing to live off YOUR sick benefit.

He's eligible for JSA but has told them he won't quit his course which means he voluntarily doesn't meet their criteria.

The jobcentre told me this once. They were wrong. Did he actually pursue this? Check with the CAB, or even the DWP websites? Post on any benefits forums? Check with his course provider? That would have been the obvious first thing.

After the nextyear of his electrical course he wants to go to university fir three years full time. He doesn't seem to care that he has three children to support.

No, he doesn't seem to care.

Look, Rev, where you see a lovely, missing DP, everybody else sees a selfish sponger who's not above squeezing the last few quid out of a seriously ill, single mother.

If he were genuinely interested in supporting you he would have applied for benefits to help out - carer's allowance, maybe, and would in any case have tried harder to get JSA. Or work part-time; even if he'd only brought home £80 a week it would help, yes?

Fibromyalgia isn't something you can just get over. It requires a lot of rest and minimum stress. This man adds to your stress. If he can't support you, he is NOT an enhancement to your life; he's adding to your problems.

I hope he doesn't come back. Not without a job and an attitude adjustment.

I hope you can find enough friends, neighbours, charity workers, social carers and medical staff to lean on while you feel your 'loss' and start taking your recovery seriously. I hope you'll be able to feel glad of the good times you had together, while also being glad to lose a millstone from around your neck. And I wish you well.

He is an idiot to go on to university to further his education without getting any experience in his field first. Without this experience, his qualifications wont exactly better his job prospects.

Are you claiming income support? I guess not as you have a partner.....call tax credits, tell them you are now a lone parent. Adjust your claim. Get yourself onto income support.

Then if he does come back tell him you are now claiming as a line parent and it would be fraudulent if he were to move back in. Sounds like you need a bit of a push to keep him gone.

He's here. We're not together and won't be. Bet his mum is over the damn moon. He's going to see the children regularly here at first and then at his mums when I feel more comfortable but it looks like I'm a single parent.

I have a headache on the right side of my head from crying. I'm pretty distraught but maybe this is the fresh start I need. A friend is coming over around 2 but I don't know if I should tell her. I'm really not ready to say it aloud.

We don't eat doughnuts, crisps etc hence why it was so weird he bought them. I have IBS attributed to the fibromyalgia so have to be careful what I eat. Also mourning the loss of cigarettes and wine is nothing! Why can't I miss something I previously enjoyed but can now not afford? It doesn't mean I'll go out and buy a box of wine

Well celebrate the New You, get well and healthy and I am sure your life will improve without this scrounger in your life!

Oh, sweetheart, of course it hurts. Please let yourself howl in private (you don't need wine or fags for that!) and moan on to your friends.

Yes, it IS the fresh start you need! Get your lone parent benefits sorted and chase up any extra support you can find. Try the FM charities for advice on that.

Good luck, and a big hug. And nurofen. x

Yes, good luck.

Come and join us all on the lone parent threads, or start one of your own for support

Jeeze, quintessential, judgy enough re. wanting cigarettes and wine? She's already quitting smoking (not the easiest task) and slipped up in a moment of extreme stress. She said she wished she could have some wine, not that she was going to spend all her money on wine. And she was ANNOYED with the bloke for buying crisps etc. As for 'get well and healthy', well sure it's great to get as healthy as possible, but it's not like you can cure fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder by cutting out doughnuts. It's not going to magically eradicate her health problems, and I don't think she needs to be beating herself up right now.

Best of luck, OP - you must feel like hell right now, but frankly it doesn't sound like this man is ready to be in a long-term relationship and support kids. He needs to pull his finger out and get real about his employment prospects, rather than just putting it off indefinitely. You don't need him glumping round the house in the meantime, spending money on crap and getting cross with you for being ill (I mean, WTF? Having an ill partner is a strain sometimes, but you find ways to cope, you don't blame them for it!).

I've been on benefits, in university, pregnant, on mat leave and working and what my income was didn't affect what I craved. Rev, if you want to crave fags and wine and doughnuts, go right ahead. I am on the other thread and know how hard you are trying with the smoking so don't give yourself a hard time.

I think you are well rid, but it is so hard to see that at the time. Talk to your friend. I didn't talk to hardly any of mine when my first marriage broke up and I think it would have been easier if I had.