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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend lied - WWYD?

88 replies

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 16:59

Sigh.

I'm working full time (NHS) and when I got with boyfriend he told me he'd been made redundant and was struggling to find work - he was in debt recovery which I always thought was odd - surely a busy needed job? - I've been trying to get permament job for ages but am having to make do with temping (full time though so Im lucky)

Ive been with him a year and I've yet to see him actively seek any sort of work at all. It only bothers me when he makes stupid statements like "why are we sitting in on a Friday?" - answer to that is that Im struggling to make ends meet at times and when we go out I pay for everything. I know he's skint but he's never once even attempted to pay for a lunch or something out.

I sound such a resentful bitch - and truth is - I am - it is really starting to annoy me.

He then about 6 months ago admitted he got fired for poor attendance and shouting and swearing at his boss. I was upset he lied then.

Anyway after a bit of a row - basically him hinting for me to pay for a mobile contract for him as he has a bad credit rating (god only knows as he's being very dodgy about that as well) - no! was my answer - I asked him how he could get away with never making any effort at all to look for work.

Turns out he's been claiming incapacity for almost 2 years - initially he was depressed - but he's never been depressed in all time I've known him. He admits this himself. He claims I'm the reason he's better. He's not on any medicines and never goes to his GP.

I'm hurt because he's lied to me and secondly although I know how hard getting a job is, the fact I work for the NHS and pay my taxes makes me bloody irate to see someone taking advantage of the situation.

I've told him to start looking for a job asap but I feel so let down by him. I don't want to dump someone because of past issues but he's milking the system and I hate it.

I cant tell my friends or family - I think some of them would shop him in!

Supposed to be seeing him tonight but told him I need some space.

Eedeeots me name!

WWYD??

OP posts:

hiveofbees · 17/05/2012 17:00

Is there a reason why you are with him? Its hard to tell from your post.

KirstyWirsty · 17/05/2012 17:02

Once a liar always a liar and if you can't trust him what's the point of continuing the relationship .. also his moral code is not the same as yours

Ditch him and find someone honest!

Taghain · 17/05/2012 17:03

Dump!
I know it's the standard answer, but he's taking advantage of you and the rest of the country, he's not trustworthy, you'd always have to fund him and you know it. Sooner or later you will get really resentful so take the plunge now & find someone better.

You've not said anywhere how much you like/ love him, or vice-versa.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/05/2012 17:03

Can I just really urge you not to get pregnant or have him move in with you 'to save money'

He has potential 'cocklodger' written all over him.

He's also a golddigger and expects you to pay for everything.

Even if he's the 'best sex you ever had' it's time to go, you have been taken advantage of long enough.

Nobhead · 17/05/2012 17:04

He sounds like a waste of space and he's totally sponging off you.

Original poster

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 17:04

Yeah, I suppose I'm letting my anger dictate the post!

He's really clever and funny and is good company. First bloke in ages that I really fancied as well. We do get on really well - only time we don't is when I start to think he's using me a bit - I suppose I'm just wishing he had some motivation - he's happy to never pay for anything and just sit on his arse!

OP posts:

bumpkinbillionaire · 17/05/2012 17:05

You wouldn't be dumping him because of past issues. You would be dumping him because he is a cocklodger you know he is a liar, you know he is lazy and you know he is feckless.

LineRunner · 17/05/2012 17:06

He's a drain. A sponger. He will drain you financially and emotionally if you let him. Don't let him. You sound nice and switched on - walk away and find a much, much better life. You are not responsible for looking after this man and keeping him happy. Please get away from him.

something2say · 17/05/2012 17:07

What would I do? I would go out to a busy bar and look around at the other men out there.

I am just out a 2 yr rel with a man who lost his business in the recession. Cue living om savings for a while, I paid for most of the stuff we did. Then the savings ran out. I was so worried! I started paying for him. He made the odd comment about how good it would be if I bought him a new mp3 player and then took his, cos he had loads of really great music on it that I would like...it was like being manipulated for money....and guess what, I was being.

He is still now skint, not really working, plus one of his friends told me that he has always been like this, years and years...

I have a new bf now who is lovely, works very hard and is supremely successful and takes me out with him all the time and we have a great time together.....

I would consider finding a new man iiwy. Yours sounds like a scrounger who lies for money, has no pride and get up and go, what sort of life will this be for you?

Original poster

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 17:08

I do love him and he says he loves me - he's been saying stuff like "I want to be with you forever" and "would love us to have kids". I feel maybe I'm clinging onto these ideals? - right now I feel I'm too skint to have a baby and with no permanent job myself - shit scared anyway. Lately Ive been feeling like I couldn't rely on him to help me that much - he did say he'd stay and be a "househusband" but :(

OP posts:

something2say · 17/05/2012 17:10

Its the standards thing isnt it. I used to know a few people who were on the dole, sitting around smoking, watching youtubes, going to the park for nice sunny afternoons - but they always wanted beer and lifts off me. And it pissed me off more and more that they stayed up late every night having fun where I had to go home early to get to bed for work. Much as I liked them, I hated what they were even more.

something2say · 17/05/2012 17:11

A househusband?

He wants you to pay for everything and him do nothing. You also sound quite sad about that. So shite isnt it.

Original poster

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 17:11

I dont want to come across as money hungry or expecting him to pay for me btw - its just frustrating that when he suggests coffee etc, I pay!

It's the fact he's been using the state. I feel like I've not known the "real" him all along. I'm a bit turned off by it and really do wonder if I'll ever see him in same light again.

Thanks for comments. You're saying what real life friends would. (And then they'd grass him in!)

OP posts:

something2say · 17/05/2012 17:13

Two people equally pulling their weight is not money hungry.....

And yes he has hidden this aspect of life from you. Does he have a council house too - because that is 'his right?'

a turn off indeed.

Lueji · 17/05/2012 17:13

he's been saying stuff like "I want to be with you forever" and "would love us to have kids".
I'm sure he does.
It's the perfect situation for him.

fiventhree · 17/05/2012 17:16

This bloke is a disaster. Please dont have kids with him. He is lazy and irresponsible, as well as a liar. It doesnt bode well. He is bad with money.

Its one of those relationships where basically it is 'all about him' and what he needs, and not very much at all about you.

He doesnt really care about you, deep down, that much, because he cares too much about himself. The fact that he says he loves you counts for nothing, as he may not ean what you mean by it. Love is what is shown, far more than what is said.

Get rid nd get yourself someone you deserve.

fiventhree · 17/05/2012 17:16

mean, not ean

Original poster

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 17:18

He's got a private let - but I know its more or less paid for from housing benefit. Actually that's what made me curious - during our arguement I was chatting about possibility of me moving for work - but he says he'd keep his house and come with me which I thougt was ridiculous?! Also it alerts me to the whole "wants to be with me forever" but in fact isn't committed really. I feel like Ive been well and truly duped. Old enough to know better!

OP posts:

BorisJohnsonsHair · 17/05/2012 17:19

You're not letting past issues cloud your judgement, as these are not past issues, they're current. He is happy to go along with you paying for everything. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, then he'll get off his arse and look for a job.

I would tell him it's over because you don't like the idea that he's sponging off you. Also tell him, that if he can prove you wrong, then you'll have him back like a shot because you love him. If he can't do it, then frankly he isn't worth having.

You will end up with a lifetime of working hard while he sits around doing nothing (and continues to play the system).

DPrince · 17/05/2012 17:24

course he wants to be with forever. He never wants to work and you look after him, pay for everything etc. Please don't bring kids into this. He is a scrounger, liar and essentially a thief (he is claiming benefits he shouldn't be). Also the line about you curing his depression is his attempt to manipulate you into staying with him.

HawthornLantern · 17/05/2012 17:24

You don't sound money hungry but money isn't the central issue here. It's a symptom - of his failure to be truthful with you, of his failure to work.

He is abusing a benefits system that is stretched enough to support people who really need it. That upsets you and why wouldn't it? But it is also worth getting upset about the fact that he is ready to abuse you in the same way.

I think your instincts are starting to kick in and giving you warning lights. There's a lot to be alarmed about here. He's not showing any responsibility, self respect or anything other than a desire to have an easy, uninterrupted life.

You are worth much more than someone who treats you and others so poorly. Eventually this behaviour will start hurting you - and you won't find it or him attractive then. For your own sake and own self esteem I would get out now. He has had a chance to be a decent guy and messed it up - you may want to give him another chance but don't forget he's had a year already. You would not be unreasonable to say it was over for you.

oikopolis · 17/05/2012 17:28

he's just a cocklodging eejit. i appreciate that you like him etc., but please realise he is going to become a millstone around your neck.

so you and him move in together, you have a baby, then he stays at home with it? do you really want that?

you KNOW he'll end up on the playstation 12 hours a day and you'll end up trying to parent in the evenings, plus keep the house going, all while working full time. you'll end up putting baby in nursery because he "can't cope" or "isn't sure what he wants and needs space" or some such guff.

you know he's a knobber.
just save yourself an irritation and get rid of him now.

carernotasaint · 17/05/2012 17:30

Hes still lying ti you OP. He is NOT on incapacity benefit . Back in October 2008 it was changed to ESA (Employment Support Allowance) so if his claim is only 2 years old he would be on ESA. If his claim is older than that then he could have been working and claiming at the same time.

Original poster

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 17:34

He still won't tell me any details asking me "what does it matter? - I just get my money and even then it's a pittance"

He admits when he felt better he should have let the job centre know but says he's got used to the small amount extra.

I appreciate that I don't need to know how much he gets and when etc etc but it's just really got to me that he fibbed.

I feel like I don't know him.

OP posts:

carernotasaint · 17/05/2012 17:34

And his claim would involve having a medical every year. The criteria for ESA is stricter than the one for IB. My DH has arthritis Aschemic heart disease and ATBI (acquired traumatic brain injury) and i deal with all the paperwork as his appointee. Thats how i know this stuff. That and what ive gleaned from the internet. (not the Daily Mail)

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