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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend lied - WWYD?

88 replies

eedeeot · 17/05/2012 16:59

Sigh.

I'm working full time (NHS) and when I got with boyfriend he told me he'd been made redundant and was struggling to find work - he was in debt recovery which I always thought was odd - surely a busy needed job? - I've been trying to get permament job for ages but am having to make do with temping (full time though so Im lucky)

Ive been with him a year and I've yet to see him actively seek any sort of work at all. It only bothers me when he makes stupid statements like "why are we sitting in on a Friday?" - answer to that is that Im struggling to make ends meet at times and when we go out I pay for everything. I know he's skint but he's never once even attempted to pay for a lunch or something out.

I sound such a resentful bitch - and truth is - I am - it is really starting to annoy me.

He then about 6 months ago admitted he got fired for poor attendance and shouting and swearing at his boss. I was upset he lied then.

Anyway after a bit of a row - basically him hinting for me to pay for a mobile contract for him as he has a bad credit rating (god only knows as he's being very dodgy about that as well) - no! was my answer - I asked him how he could get away with never making any effort at all to look for work.

Turns out he's been claiming incapacity for almost 2 years - initially he was depressed - but he's never been depressed in all time I've known him. He admits this himself. He claims I'm the reason he's better. He's not on any medicines and never goes to his GP.

I'm hurt because he's lied to me and secondly although I know how hard getting a job is, the fact I work for the NHS and pay my taxes makes me bloody irate to see someone taking advantage of the situation.

I've told him to start looking for a job asap but I feel so let down by him. I don't want to dump someone because of past issues but he's milking the system and I hate it.

I cant tell my friends or family - I think some of them would shop him in!

Supposed to be seeing him tonight but told him I need some space.

Eedeeots me name!

WWYD??

OP posts:
anyfuckersfanjo · 17/05/2012 18:24

Not read the thread fully yet but wanted to tell you to please please dont decide to get pregnant by him and create a dependency. he sounds like an utter twunk and will be nothing bu trouble for you. Dont have unprotected sex with him either and risk your health.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/05/2012 18:27

Oh, he is a smart sod. Why does he need to work when he can get benefits, and have you twisted around his little finger, paying for evenings out and lunches? He has hooked you with empty words such as "I love you" and "I want to make babies with you".

What a catch.

Smum99 · 17/05/2012 18:29

You and him have a mismatch of values even though you like his personality and outward appearance. If values don't line up you will never be happy with someone in the longterm as it a vital ingredient.

Can you imagine the issues you would have if you had children? Him telling the dc's that it was ok not to work..you trying desperately not be to undermined.
He is also not truthful, that will only get worse..You are still in the honeymoon period, it will only get worse..honest.

You sound like a great person - set your sights higher, he is not worthy of you.

FermezLaBouche · 17/05/2012 18:45

Can I ask you to do something? Imagine being with a partner who worked, and you lived in a nice little place, shared bills equally....you both came in after work and had things to talk about.....a nice little idyll perhaps, but you could have this! Why do you think that this current situation is the best you can do? You sound really nice!
He honestly sounds awful, and you are being used.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 17/05/2012 19:04

You need to make a choice can you live like this or not? The answer is going to be no, so what are you going to do about it? Well you tell him. Tell him you have lost respect for him. Tgat before you found this outgoing were doubtful forever would happen and now you are certain it won't. Give him a timescale and then stick to it. Refuse to pay for him, order one coffee at the coffee shop, go out on a Friday night but do not give him anything. Why should he when he's got you (and everyone ) paying for him.

ErikNorseman · 17/05/2012 19:56

There is nothing to respect about a person who will remain unemployed and on benefits for 2 years for no good reason. My DH has never made much money, I earn much more than him but he's a hard worker. It's not about money, it's about attitude.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2012 21:48

cocklodger

and benefit cheat

I never, ever moan about "benefit cheats" btw

get fucking rid of him

Dozer · 17/05/2012 22:11

RUN FOR THE HILLS!

DPrince · 18/05/2012 18:11

I was thinking about this earlier (boring meeting). He has manipulating you from the start. He told he was made redundant, because you get sympathy when toyr made redundant. As opposed to someone who got fired for being a cock. He is still manipulating your feelings with 'i want to be with you forever' and 'i am nit depressed anymore because of you'. He is manipulating you
always has, always will.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 18/05/2012 21:12

I think you know deep down what is going on here

But I think you are afraid that there's nothing better; letting go of the devil you know, for something unkown, is hard (I know)

There is better out there - a more equal and fun relationship

Seriously? Lose him. Free yourself.

bouncyagain · 18/05/2012 21:16

Get. Rid. Of. Now.

ChippingIn · 18/05/2012 21:21

Love, I don't think it would be that hard to find someone 'as nice as him' but quite frankly - you need to aim a bit higher!

He's a user - you can do so much better.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 18/05/2012 21:23

pfft unknown

Sallyingforth · 18/05/2012 21:32

Get rid of this worthless piece of crap now.

Mrbojangles1 · 18/05/2012 21:45

He he was is known as a scrounge and most likey can't wait to get t up the duff so he has you good and proper

Lend me a £1 can yu come pick me up oh I lost my wallet I heard it all before

Take your shoes off love and run and fucking fast as yu can

He is a benafit cheat
He has anger issues
He can't hold down a job
He is a lier
And he is a broke ass

Mosman · 18/05/2012 23:43

^^^^^^^

What she said

My own brother is exactly like this (without the benefit cheating)

But the jist is he gets his teeth into some poor girl and gets her pregnant then he puts his feet up.
I cannot believe three separate women have fallen for this bollocks but they do, bright girls who had a future and will again once the penny has dropped.

chubbleigh · 18/05/2012 23:44

I think your fanny has done the thinking and now your brain is catching up. He isn't going to change so if you want to pay for everything FOREVER and be lied to on a regular basis, only getting the truth at the very last minute, carry on.
I have been in a relationship with a funny, charming and charismatic bloke - it's a brilliant disguise for a bloody useless life partner. When the fun stops, what have you actually got? A little bit of charm goes a very very long way.

Molesworthiscool · 19/05/2012 00:01

Eed, just imagine having a child with this guy. Would that child deserve a feckless, lazy, benefit cheat of a father? No child deserves that. This is hard for you but all the time you stay with him you will not meet a guy who shares your work ethic and your values. It's OK to have periods in your life without a man, especially a man like this. Staying with him seems a form of punishment for you - and you certainly do not deserve it.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 19/05/2012 00:09

I can't see this working, tbh. You sound like you have direction and a work ethic. He doesn't.

You will always be frustrated by him, because obviously your mindsets are very different. You won't respect him.

If I'm honest, you sound far far too good for him, and you deserve someone better. Sometimes the head has to rule the heart (because it's usually right!) Get rid, move on and up, would be my advice, sorry!

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/05/2012 00:14

My ex had lots of money, was a workaholic and a flash twunt. My current dp has less money and less ambition. BUT he works hard and is an excellent dad. It has nothing to do with money, but about a work ethic and how much he respects himself and you!

BustersOfDoom · 19/05/2012 00:17

He's a cocklodger and sponger and I don't think he will ever step up to the mark. You will end up supporting him and any DC you have if you are daft enough to stay with him. And you will wear yourself out working hard and getting ever more frustrated that he does fuck all to help you.

Get rid, move on and find someone a damn sight better. Which won't be that difficult.

KiwiKat · 19/05/2012 00:32

This man has the qualities you'd like to see in your children - really? You don't respect him or share his values, despite fancying him and enjoying his company. What would you tell your best friend if she asked what she should do in this situation?

And din't tell us that 'this is different', because IT NEVER IS.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2012 08:41

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would like to know why your head is apparantly saying such guff about "well you may not meet someone as nice as him".

He's not nice, he's a cocklodger who is having a parasitic relationship with you, you're ideal prey for such men because your self esteem and worth is through the floor and you're now only fodder to him. He hit paydirt when he met you (how did you meet btw?) because you've put up with him for a year. Once you dump him he'll find another sap very quickly (these types often do, they can be superficially very charming).

There's an awful lot about him you do not know. Please for your sake dump him because he will only drag you down with him if you do not.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Offred · 19/05/2012 13:09

If you are having sex with him please make extra sure of your contraception. Getting you pregnant would make his day no doubt although it is likely he wouldn't give a stuff about the resulting child, IMHO.

PooPooInMyToes · 19/05/2012 13:25

Its a shame seeing as you really like him, but i can't see you having a future with this man. He clearly doesn't have the same values as you, or me . . . or a lot of people!