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Original poster

Porn - I beg you for your advice

76 replies

ConfusedGirlSuze · 17/05/2012 15:49

Hello ladies. Used to post on here quite a bit but not recently. I just want to talk and offload.

Been with boyfriend, nearly 2 years - overall happy. Although I went through a dark time with depression although I am out on the other side now :)

However, I have a porn problem. He watches it - not excessively, I'm pretty sure he'd fall in the normal bracket. I've seen bits and bobs either on his emails, which he left on the screen or his browsing history - and it's just normal girls with big boobs stuff - but I just can't shake this pit-of-my-stomach-sick-feeling-I'm-being-cheated-on. We have an ok sex life. Not that often - once a week or so. We've spoken about the porn - he says it's completley different to sex etc - and that it's 'just what men do'. I dread leaving the house - knowing that he's probably doing it the entire time. I love him so much he's my best friend and I don't want to feel like this. I want to just accept that it happens - as I'm sure many girlfriends/wives do and not feel - which I do register is, kind of over the top. I don't want a load of 'dump the bastard' replies - I just want to know how you deal with it.

Thanks in advance,

CGS x

OP posts:
Nobhead · 17/05/2012 15:55

How often is your idea of normal? I personally wouldn't have problem with it if it was once in a while, if it's every day, it affects your sex life or he didn't keep it private (out of way of DC's) then it becomes a problem IMO. Would you be into watching it with him perhaps?

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 17/05/2012 15:59

Well - we have no DC's so no problem there. And we made a rule when we moved in that he can't do 'it' when I'm in the house with him. Which, I don't think he does. Ironically he is trustworthy. So I'd guess a few times a wekk when I'm out. We do spend a lot of time together and he doesn't have many friends etc. I have absolutely no problem with watching it with him - but he will not even entertain the idea. Quite confusing really - x

OP posts:
gingerchick · 17/05/2012 15:59

I can understand why you are hurt/worried about it but I think that his watching porn and masturbating does not necessarily mean he is cheating. A lot of men do this for stress relief although you should talk seriously about it together as its upsetting you So much. Could you not watch it together as part of sex? The fact that is fairly
'Normal' porn means it shouldn't reflect any issues with your sex life iykwim

PeppermintPasty · 17/05/2012 16:00

Well, it's not "normal" to watch it at all for my DP. He doesn't watch it, has no interest in it full stop, so it's not "just what men do". Bear that in mind when you're trying to deal with this.

pumpkinsweetie · 17/05/2012 16:02

Don't worry, porn is a normal part of mens lifes and womens to a certain degree, i watch it occasionally i will admit.
What reason do you have to believe he is cheating other than a feeling?

gingerchick · 17/05/2012 16:04

I meant normal porn as in not particularly kinky or specialist. Maybe your other half does like porn but maybe just doesn't tell you !

PeppermintPasty · 17/05/2012 16:06

I just highlighted the word as it was used in the op. I knew what she and you mean. I mean, he doesn't use it, doesn't particularly care about it, knows it's there, but not interested-that sort of thing.

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 17/05/2012 16:07

I don't think he's cheating to be honest - Porn just makes me feel like he is.

Don't know if that make sense or not?

You have already made me feel better :) I have the problem, not him. I think what he does is, for the large majority normal.

There's more to this if I honest to do with my dad. (He had a habit which ended up breaking up my mum and dad) Loonnnnng story. He was cheating in the end - I found out and told my mum.

I know it's the scars from that pain (this was only 2 years ago) x

OP posts:
gingerchick · 17/05/2012 16:07

oh ok everyone is different I spose

gingerchick · 17/05/2012 16:09

Of course your experience with your dad will affect you and I do see what you mean but masturbating is sometimes easier if you just want to cum and not go through the whole thing of sex it doesn't mean he is rejecting you.

Original poster
ConfusedGirlSuze · 17/05/2012 16:14

That's how I feel. That's exactly how I feel. Like he'd rather wank over a blonde bimbo than have sex with his girlfriend - which is like taking a bullet for me. I think I've made myself think that I ruin relationships. The last time we spoke - which was Monday night he said 'can't you just enjoy our relationships for what it is rather than worry about what might happen' - and he's right. That's no way to live your life. It's sad - Especailly as 99% of our realtionship is great we laugh every day and I can't wait to see him every night as I come home from work - so, all good - it's just this :( x

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 17/05/2012 16:16

I don't see at all why it should be your problem, (your fault?) because he uses porn. It is an issue for you, and is upsetting you enough for you to post. Don't blame yourself, and I mean that kindly. It is upsetting to read that you have the stomach-sick feeling etc.

Dropdeadfred · 17/05/2012 16:17

Porn is not a normal part of all men's ( or women's lives) I hate it when people who are okay with it try and make out that everyone does it.
What on earth happened before the Internet and porn videos .... Was it normal to just go around someone house and watch them have sex??? Of course not

gingerchick · 17/05/2012 16:19

I can understand that is how you feel , and you feeling like that isn't wrong its just how you feel but I know from myself TMI alert that if you are horny and your other half isn't there or even when they are sometimes you just want to cum and it is just about the physical feeling not about pleasing someone else or loving someone its just a need for release and its quicker on your own. I think you obsessing about the porn although I do understand is more likely to kill the relationship than him cheating. Have you told him how bad it makes you feel?

GinPalace · 17/05/2012 16:22

I think porn is just expression of fantasy and we all have those. So provided it wasn't anything twisted or nasty, and it wasn't affecting my sex life (i.e he wasn't choosing it instead of me) I would not have a problem with it. We all have a sexual self which exists independently of our partner.

Also we all masturbate and have fantasies (pretty sure all anyway Wink )

Maybe he doesn't want to watch it with you as he doesn't want to make you insecure by giving you lots of imagery to torture yourself with.

I think the fact that he wasn't hiding it shows it is not something likely to come between you.

Personally you haven't said anything about him here which makes me think uh-oh. I would take his advice and try to enjoy the relationship and try not to worry about the what ifs. :)

Dropdeadfred · 17/05/2012 16:23

Masturbating is normal - porn is different

chipsandmushypeas · 17/05/2012 16:24

Can I join you OP?

DP left his computer on this morning after being up v late last night. I went to bed early. Saw this morning he was watching porn, feel really gutted as I was in the next room. Maybe I'm being hormonal as I'm pregnant but I'm always up for it. It is upsetting, you're allowed to be upset x

solidgoldbrass · 17/05/2012 16:24

OK, you are going to get a lot of advice from the usual militant porn-haters that you should force your H into therapy and ban him from ever looking at porn again and bin him if he won't obey you immediately.

But I think the issue in your relationship is less porn than your unreasonable insecurity. You sound smothering. I appreciate that it;'s rooted in your own past, but nothing kills off a relationship more thoroughly than being punished for a previous partner's (or parent's) failings, because nothing he could do would be enough to reassure you; you have to gain confidence on your own.

chipsandmushypeas · 17/05/2012 16:26

I feel like his porn use has warped his way of having sex too, like I'm jst there to fuck (sorry) the lack of love, foreplay, seduction etc is so apparent and correlates with how porn videos are - woman = use for men's pleasure only.

Dropdeadfred · 17/05/2012 16:27

Sgb - I'm not militant at all... I think the people who come on insisting that men can't function
Without watching strangers have sex are pretty militant at times though

gingerchick · 17/05/2012 16:27

why is porn different? I use porn it just gets you off quicker

PeppermintPasty · 17/05/2012 16:29

But it is causing the op to worry, isn't it? I happen to think that porn use isn't normal, and I'm not alone. This normalising (bloody awful word and quite possibly made up) is what is helping the OP to feel so crap. Wanking to your own imagination is different. When I do that I'm not pandering to the porn industry for one thing.....

chipsandmushypeas · 17/05/2012 16:30

It's just so hardcore now, it's not how it used to be. The stuff he watches is vile. I remember when blokes had to buy a dirty mag to get off but it was just naked women. Now is something else, I looked to see what sort of sites he was looking at, came across 'granny fucks young guy' 'girls first anal' fisting, facials etc bleurgh

Dropdeadfred · 17/05/2012 16:31

Because masturbation is purely touching your own body and using mental fantasy. Actually viewing other people having sex just seems really weird to me.... Like what if there was no filmed porn available? What would 'normal' people do then?

GinPalace · 17/05/2012 16:32

There are many visual media things which weren't around back in the day, but are taken up once they became available. It isn't restricted to images of sex. that doesn't mean the appetite didn't used to be there, but was accessed / expressed differently previous to the ready availability of it via internet or similar. In other times gone by erotic plays were available for example. That goes for porn or any other cinema or TV offering sexy or not. So the fact that it is a modern phenomena in its current media form doesn't make it abnormal

Doesn't mean everyone does it though.

Like any visual media, some people are interested, some a lot, some a bit, some not at all.

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