Porn - I beg you for your advice

[ConfusedGirlSuze]

Hello ladies. Used to post on here quite a bit but not recently. I just want to talk and offload.

Been with boyfriend, nearly 2 years - overall happy. Although I went through a dark time with depression although I am out on the other side now :)

However, I have a porn problem. He watches it - not excessively, I'm pretty sure he'd fall in the normal bracket. I've seen bits and bobs either on his emails, which he left on the screen or his browsing history - and it's just normal girls with big boobs stuff - but I just can't shake this pit-of-my-stomach-sick-feeling-I'm-being-cheated-on. We have an ok sex life. Not that often - once a week or so. We've spoken about the porn - he says it's completley different to sex etc - and that it's 'just what men do'. I dread leaving the house - knowing that he's probably doing it the entire time. I love him so much he's my best friend and I don't want to feel like this. I want to just accept that it happens - as I'm sure many girlfriends/wives do and not feel - which I do register is, kind of over the top. I don't want a load of 'dump the bastard' replies - I just want to know how you deal with it.

Thanks in advance,

CGS x

Oh for gods sake, porn is just people having sex and a visual is often more of a turn on than thinking esp if youre stressed or tired. Of course the OP has every right to be upset I said that but really we are just reassuring OP that in our experience porn use is normal and she needs to rationalise a bit more.

If your boyfriend told you he liked spying on people through windows having sex would you think that was normal??? It's the strange voyeurustic nature of watching porn that I can't understand

I agree with Dropdeadfred. Hes looking at it on a screen and its ok. Imagine the same scenario where your boyfriend was horny but you was out doing the shopping. Would it be ok for a busty blonde to come round to your house and undress herself and pleasure herself with a dildo, whilst your boyfriend sit back on the sofa wanking over it? In my eyes its no different really but in real life it sounds awful.

Yeah actually my use of the word normal in my last post was used wrongly, and was not quite meant the way it sounds.

Anyway, m point is that it is an issue for the op. If it were me I'd be having a go at him, not looking to blame myself.

If both parties in a relationship are happy then I'm not interested in telling people they are wrong. I'm just saying for me I think it's strange and definitely about as much a turn on as hearing my neighbours shagging ( let alone seeing it )

that's a ridiculous argument. Its not real like soaps or drama, you don't go out to watch peopple having a row but millions of people watch eastenders et al

No gingerchick - you are entitled to how you perceive things but in my mind it's not ridiculous
And even in crappy eastebders it's acting - in porn they really are having sex

If Eastenders had Dot and Phil butt naked and shagging in the archers it would be a different kettle of fish though!

whats the difference

If the op isn't happy with it, then it's an issue. She shouldn't have to suck it all up and try and excuse the thing he's doing that upsets her.

Sorry gingerchick I don't know what question you are asking?

But spying on people who don't know you are watching is different to a recording of people who were doing the act with the expressed intent of it being seen for pleasure. In that sense it is no different to watching any recorded drama - it is played out specifically for the viewer and no more wierd from that point of view than coronation street.

I can totally understand if it isn't a thing for you, and for that reason the interest in it is a mystery.

Some of the fantasies I use from my imagination originate from a scene I have watched in something or other. The image is in my mind but I didn't create it originally iyswim.

And all porn is not equal, some is very plain stuff, others I've heard of you'd have to bleach your mind once you'd seen it and still not sleep at night. I don't think you can lump all porn into the same basket.

I can watch porn but still relate to my partner as a human and so can he, we have a lovely sensual sex life, not cold, not devoid of meaning. Even though porn exists and we watch it sometimes.

what I'm doing is reassuring the OP, what you are doing is telling her she should be worried and her OH is abnormal

I'm not dating her oh is abnormal but I'm
Reassuring her that for some, her feelings are utterly understandable. If the only way of reassuring her is to persuade her to accept something she feels utterly unhappy with then I think that's sad

Saying not dating

Yeah its true Peppermint. 75% of women think porn is fine. Theres the other 25% that have issues with it. Im in that 25% and no one can change my mind about it no matter how many times i hear the words 'its just what men do.' Sad thing is though that men dont realise it can upset us so they do it without thinking twice.

I don't think it is back and white.

So much depends on why the OP is upset about it (personal insecurity or actual moral issue with porn full stop etc) what he was watching, was he being honest or hiding it, and is he a considerate lover, does he compare her to it unfavourably etc etc

I think if I was OP I would examine my feelings and when I had a better view on where they were coming from I would discuss how it could fit into the relationship. If I needed him to stop the porn altogether, could that happen, or is it more from within OP and not so much about the porn at all.

Once she and he appreciate each others POV they can decide how and if they can accommodate each other and continue the relationship. :)

I can understand that is how you feel , and you feeling like that isn't wrong its just how you feel but I know from myself TMI alert that if you are horny and your other half isn't there or even when they are sometimes you just want to cum and it is just about the physical feeling not about pleasing someone else or loving someone its just a need for release and its quicker on your own. I think you obsessing about the porn although I do understand is more likely to kill the relationship than him cheating. Have you told him how bad it makes you feel? I don't think I'm am trying to get her to accept it

Thank you for all your thoughts and opinions. It's always a subject, i think, that completley divides women.

Solidgoldbrass you have hit the nail on the head!

So how do I do what you said? The confidence malarky. That what I want. I don't want him to not watch porn, I don't want to break up with him I just don't want to feel rubbish anymore.

Thanks again x

Personally there are entire swathes of porn which I am not at all OK with, anything which involves pain or violence etc etc.

However, other soft porn is not a problem to me. So for me much would depend on what the stuff was and what that said about him.

Okay ginger chick I agree your post was very sympathetic
I'm going to leave the thread now as op seems happy with advice she has received on how to deal with it

All guys watch hardcore porn. They are completely desensitised to the soft stuff nowadays. Maybe if your husbands/bfs were stupid enough to leave their history open, like mine, you'd be v upset at what he gets off too

Now I have to leave cos the people who think 'every guy' watches porn have arrived

I meant all guys who watch porn, watch hardcore. They aren't watching bloody soft core

Aggh, yes I can feel myself being sucked into what is a ridiculous argument. All men do not watch hardcore porn, I mean are you kidding me?