So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

About telling the OW's DH -- I wouldn't do it at least until I knew where I stood legally speaking and had made up my mind how I wanted to proceed with the relationship. Once that cat is out of the bag, events might speed up rapidly, with the OW possibly being asked to leave her house and leaning on your P for support in every sense (emotional, financial, even down to having a roof over her head). You would need to have your own security sewn up before anything like that happens so that you don't wake up one fine day and find your P has emptied the joint account or decided to use mortgage money for a flat for (him and) the OW instead. The bottom line here is your security and an agreement with him that can be enforced, and you need to see to that first.

After that, whether to tell might be a decision to make out of feelings of decency or pity or whatever for the plight of the DH, bearing in mind that he will wonder why you and H have split and why he and his wife are getting the cold shoulder from you and the P.

I would personally be inclined to tell him. You never know what sort of decisions he may be making based on him and his wife being a unit maybe to keep him from taking out a second mortgage that would eventually pay for the OW's living expenses, etc. People can be very devious and self centered and cunning when they are doing their thinking with parts of their anatomy usually reserved for other purposes. That being said, I don't think you should feel responsible for his happiness, and who knows what he knows already and hasn't told you after all but I know if I were him I would like to know.

Agree with math. Tread carefully.

But... I was that spouse, still in the dark months after OW's H found out. In that time we went on a miserable holiday where my H did little else but disappear for hours on his own and drink vast amounts, he behaved like a total arse to the DC (not to me - too much guilt?) and let me believe that he was suffering from depression.

I wish OW's H had told me, instead of just threatening to.

twostraightlines, I have not seen you in a while, often been wondering about how you are doing.

I have a soft spot in my heart for tsl, too

This thing had obviously been going on for much longer than he's let on.

He's happy with her coming to his house to have sex but is planning to finish with her and yet he's only had sex with her once before that day? He's a liar. I think it has been going on for much longer - nobody would do that so early on. (I know, none of us would do it anyway.)

If I were the husband, I'd want to know and I would hate the fact she'd got away scot free. I don't think, though, that I could tell him if it would mean their family would split up. I don't think I could do that to the children. I know it's happened to your child, OP, and I'm so sorry, but I couldn't make that happen to another child.

Agree with math and twostraightlines.

If I were the OW's DH, I'd want to know.

Have you checked his phone and email, computer etc yet?

I agree with whoever said that its worrying the relationship he has with his mum!

I'm ok, thanks for asking. Plenty going on still, there are bad days and good, but generally things are a whole lot better.

Threads like this awaken the rage I can't shake off - still so angry for women, me included, who are treated so badly by the men that claim to love them

Quick update, then I'm off to bed. Mum's been here. I made a proper dinner for the first time in days and actually ate it. DS is fine, happy and good. I spoke briefly to DP earlier. He texted and asked if he could phone to say good night to DS. I phoned him, let him talk to DS then asked him a couple of questions about house stuff and where his mum would be tomorrow so I could phone and say happy birthday. Turns out he was actually at his parents' house so both DS and I could talk to her (they're on holiday from tomorrow anyway) That was the extent of the conversation, no "how are yous?" or anything like that. DP is picking DS up from nursery tomorrow and he can do bedtime if he (and DS) want and then he's out. Mum's around and will come if I want her but I might have an evening by myself to think things over, have a bath etc.

Mum suggested I get some counselling for myself which seems like a good idea so I'll add that to my list of things to do on Tues. I'm also supposed to be going to the cinema with some close friends on Tues so have emailed them to ask if we can meet for a drink first so we can have a chat. I'm torn between telling and not telling but decided that, whatever happens, I'm in for a shit time of it for the foreseeable future and need the support of my friends so they need to know what's going on.

I do believe him when he said it's only been going on a month. But I was thinking about it some more and he mentioned several times that they met up, here, her house and other places. That's a lot of meetings for a month when they apparently were going to end it...I also am not sure that they ever actually had sex here. I'm fairly sure they didn't on Tues and he says they didn't before. Not that that makes they betrayal any the less...if I hadn't come in with DS on Tues, I'm certain they would have done.

Stil don't know about OW's husband but I'm coming down on the side of not telling him. Mostly because I can't actually face doing it. I have enough to deal with protecting myself and DS and I'm not up to considering anyone else at the moment. Maybe further down the line I will, but not yet.

No, he's had his phone on him so no chance to check that. I've had a quick try at hacking his Facebook account but don't know the password. To be honest, I'm not sure if I want to know any more than I already do.

Right that was longer than intended. Def off to bed now!

I think you need to tread carefully when telling the Other Betrayed partner. With hindsight I wish I hadn't. I can pretend that I did it for the right reasons but if I'm truely honest with myself I didn't do it for any other reason than to get back at her. Her marriage was still standing, mine was in tatters, my H had left (I asked him too) but she was still at home with her DH and her children. How I hated that...so I told him...and then I went home and waited to watch the fireworks (I know that sounds awful ). Only they never came, I saw them out together all the time (the joys of living in a tiny village) holding hands, at the pub and it made me feel a million times worse. What the hell did she have that I didn't? My self-esteem was battered from the affair and this brought me lower. It brought me more pain than I needed...watching her get away scot free and knowing really knowing that her H knew.

If you don't tell the OW husband, you are colluding with your DP to keep his terrible secret, even though you are the greatest victim of this secret. I think that is very damaging to you. I understand that you have enough on your plate but your DP is getting the message that you are still protecting him and that he has in fact got away with it, without attracting the wrath of a man which, it seems, is his biggest fear.

Just my personal view, but I'd be cautious about telling too many of your friends at this early stage. I think if you need support, you should select one of your most discreet and wise friends to talk to rather than several of them.

Reason being they'll all have an opinion on what you should do etc., and it's still early days. You still need to decide what you want to do with your marriage, and if you decide to get back together, some of your friends may then disapprove, (being as they saw how torn up you were) especially as when you are angry you may be inclined to say and do things that you later wish you hadn't or had kept to yourself, when things calm down.

Also, later you may just possibly regret a lot of people having a window into such a personal aspect of your marriage and a different view of your husband.

But that's just my opinion!

Oh FFs. Leave her alone re husband.

Agree with discretion re mates.

Counciling sounds good i recommened relate they are very good.

Glad you have the support of your friends and mum.

Its your life and you need to do what is right for you.

Good luck with what ever you decide

I don,t agree re friends a lot of people who have affairs rely on your shame to stop you confiding in others to cover their own arse. You need support I would always tell my mates as I know they would be invaluable.

You don't have to focus on the OW husband for the moment. You are right, you have enough on your plate.

Confide in your good friends who you can trust and build up that support.
Wishing you all the best

The three friends I'll be telling are my oldest, closest friends. Also, they are my friends (although obviously friends with DP too - relationships get tangled after 12 years together!) I don't know yet how much I'll be telling but it was all be true.

you dont have to tell them, its up to you. if you want a night off and not think about it then thats also ok.

what ever makes you feel better xx

Bornto I told EVERYONE by text .. including 'D'H's family ... but then there was no way I would have considered staying with him after all the lies and deceit.

I got lots of support from everyone .. my friends and family have been great

itsmeyousee perhaps she told him it wasn't true? That you had made it up out of spite etc?

oh honey you are in shock you need to take some time to get your head around what is going on

you need to coem to terms with the fact that he risked everything he has to have this fling. relationships are not always great but that is no excuse for cheating. you cheat because you want to, that comes from someone who has done it. yes i was a little fed up but the bottom line is that i meet someone liked the attention and wanted more it is that simple and it was all my own doing please place no blame on yourself because you have done nothing wrong and do not let your husband blame you, he choose to cheat

OP I just wanted to send you big hugs. You sound amazingly strong. I can't add to the advice on here but just wanted to say keep your chin up, you're doing so well.

He's still friends with her on Facebook. That's not a good sign is it? 3 days after I told him to cut all contact.
However, he's only got his phone (laptop at home, he can't access FB at work) so maybe it's trickier to de-friend? Maybe he's so cut up with remorse he's not thinking straight?
Or maybe he just can't be arsed, or wants to keep contact with her.
FUCKING HELL! Why does he has to be such an arse?! I really want to find out what he's been doing with regards STI testing, counselling etc but I am not phoning him.

I've been emailing the holiday company to find out the implications of cancelling now. It's fully paid for so we'll prob lose a load of money and me and DS miss out on what promised to be an awesome holiday. DS has been talking about it for ages, he's so excited and I can't see how we can go now.

I'm so tempted to spoil DS. I want to buy him a huge toy. But I know it's better to keep things nice and normal and keep boundaries as much the same as possible (I am relaxing them slightly though, he was allowed into my bed for cuddles early yesterday morning as we were both awake anyway - normally it's a stict "stay in bed till 6.30" policy). He seems to be coping OK, but I don't know how much he's taking in.

Is there anyway you can still go on the holiday and take your mum instead? or a friend? Let your DP pay for any charges! Its the least he can do at the moment.