So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

I can do it. If I can get through the past few days without going mad then I can do the next bit. And the next bit. And eventually it will become normal.

I'm so relieved about the holiday. I'm making changing the bookings my no 1 priority! Just want to get it sorted out so I can start looking forward to it again.

absolutely! It will become normal, and you will have so much to appreciate and be proud of. One thing a fabulous single mum suggested to me that has really helped is this... when you are exhausted and stressed and feel overwhelmed, and you really, really want to feel resentful that you have to do it all on your own, don't waste your energy on being angry or sad about what your XP is missing. Focus on being grateful that all those special moments (the goodnight kisses, and morning cuddles, being the one that your baby cries for) are things that you still get to enjoy. An attitude of gratitude will save your life! And your sanity :)

Born to... Just to echo - you definitely can do it and you will be great. I found myself in the same situation - and I surprised myself! I pulled myself together, went back to work, and with the help of my mum raised my son. We have a great relationship and I don't think he's suffered at all - he is a happy, much loved little boy (12 now). I want to just say, that my ex and I have maintained a good relationship despite the shitty thing he did - and this has helped my DS so much - seeing us get along - and I did it for him. I just separated my ex as a partner and as a father. He was a bad partner but a good dad - just keep that in your head. x

You will be a fabulous single parent. My dd was a similar age to your ds now and sure there were times when it felt tough but none that I felt I couldn't cope with. I now look back with enormous pride and I also think that those times were the happiest of my life, we created wonderful memories and so will you.

Good Luck

So sorry to hear that he isnt even prepared to try, BTF.

He isnt putting his child first, is he- he is putting himself first.

I too believe you will be fine- I am sure you are very capable, and I think that in any case women tend to cope far better than men do when single.

As someone who has decided to forgive infidelity, and move on, I have to also say that it isnt the easy option it might look, as many threads on here testify. Even in the unusual situation where the man decides to work on himself, as my h has, it can be uphill sometimes, and they sometimes dont even see some of their 'old habits', which puts you in a situation of pointing it out. Also, you still know in the back of your mind that at one time (for a long time, in my case), they were selfish enough to be so deceitful, in so many ways. And also, you always have on your mind that you can never be ^certain6 that you did get the whole story about the past.

Anyway, that may not seem relevant to you now, but I just thought I would point out that there are also some advantages to not having to choose, although I can appreciate you dont feel at all as though that is the case at the moment.

Your h has behaved really badly, in my view, and I think that his haste to move on suggests even more strongly that this wasnt a two - day event, or similar.

Glad you are going on the holiday. The skills and traits you have demonstrated on here tell all of us that you will cope far better than he in future, in my view. I hope you chuck out all his stuff and buy a new bed etc- reappropriate that some, as your alone! It will make you feel tons better, as I did when I did this after my last marriage broke down over 25 years ago.

And.....no dirty socks, no mens mess, no lies in your life, no towles on the floor, add to that list.....

(Listen to me, half thinking of joining you....!)

meant reappropriate that bedroom

I agree with Fooso once you can make that seperation between partner and dad it gets easier.
My stbx has been a shit to me at times over the past few months but he loves our DD and DD loves him, he didn't set out to hurt us.
As long as we can parent DD with love and civilty she will be ok and so will we in the end.

Also finding things to be gratefull for is a must in my house, it really helps to create a better mood for us both.

Oh yes, a new bed or at least a new set of bedding. It needs to be very, very feminine - make it your bed. No men allowed

Until you fancy having some....

You are doing AMAZING!

I can do it (I may start every post with that from now on, it's v empowering!)

Anyway, tonight went well. Got home from work to find exP (ahem, take note! I lost the D...) playing nicely in the garden. I managed to chat (just about what DS had been doing at nursery) in an almost friendly tone to exP and we both laughed at DS being silly. I feel strongly that that's what's best for DS. I grew up in a situation where my parents hated each other and us kids knew it and it was not happy. I don't want that for DS if it can be avoided. And on a selfish note, I need this arrangement about exP picking him up from nursery to work.

DS was fine about him leaving, a tiny whinge but not much. OK at bedtime too, a little bit of "I want a cuddle from Daddy" but I distracted him and he settled down. And I'm going to have the first evening by myself in a week. Eat some pasta, watch some telly and do some knitting.

Tomorrow's going to be hard. I'm going to the GUM clinic first thing (get it over and done with), then back home to crunch some numbers and see if I can afford to stay here (or rather, how much exP needs to give me in order for me to stay here...) I have contacted a solicitor and booked an appt for Friday but I'm rather at the rates I've been quoted. Do I need a solicitor? I just want to get a bit of legal advice about where I stand. It's not complicated. There's the house which is owned 50/50 and DS, who we both have parental responsibilty for. So far, exP is being reasonable (as I am, I hope!) so I'm not sure I need to spend out a load of cash. Might start a thread in legal about that...

Then tomorrow night I'm off for drinks and chats with friends.

I'm not sure about new bedding. I like the bedding I've got and to be honest. I'm loathe to spend money unecessarily at the moment. But I did see some cushions in Wilkos that I liked a lot and they were quite cheap so maybe I'll treat myself to a couple of those.

Onwards!

Cushions are a great idea if only to punch them if P is a twat and you can imagine his face is on them

Of course you can do it! You are doing it :)

Yes, onwards, Born.

I would be careful if I were you to keep the conversation between you related to DS.

It would be quite easy, and comfortable for him for you to continue to provide the sort of emotional support re his life generally which you provided before. If you do that, he sort of has you both, if you see what I mean.

You can do it.

Oh I know, fiventhree. And the temptation is for me to continue leaning on him. After all, he was my main source of support for 12 years. But that relationship is over and we just now have a co-parenting relationship.

So, really up and down day. DS was upset at nursery first thing and didn't want me to go. He wasn't done that for ages. He had to be dragged off me in the end. Broke my heart that I had to leave him like that all because I had to go to the GUM clinic. Luckily I did not have to wait long there and the appointment was pretty much as I expected - not pleasant but I'm glad it's done. I phoned nursery and DS settled down in about 5 mins apparently and is happy now.

I've sorted out some telephone counselling. I realised that I could do this through work so it'll even be free, which is a bonus.

Am now sorting out budgets and solicitors but at some point today I am going to take my book and a cup of tea and sit in the lovely sunshine for a bit!

So yeah, I've been furious, sad, hurt, humiliated, worried, optimisitc, pessimisic, content, happy, hungry, nauseous already today and it's only 11am.

At first being a single parent just sucks.

But when you get used to it, when you get used to never having to compromise, going out when you want (give or take child-care obviously) not having to explain your actions and decisions to anyone, being able to choose where and what you want to eat, or buy. Being able to furnish your house how the hell you want, go on holiday where you want, have your friends over as many times as you like. Do as many spontaneous things as you want. Honestly you never look at relationships the same way again. Plus the closeness in terms of the relationship with the DCs is an added bonus.

Once you have achieved real happiness and freedom as an SP, you only go into back into a relationship for the right reasons: to find someone who complements you. Not for security, not because you're lonely etc. Not because you can't cope.

I was a single parent for 6+ years and although I'm in a relationship with a lovely man now, I actually miss being single again a lot at times.

You do have to allow yourself time to get there though. But you are a strong woman O.P. and I'm sure you'll do it! Being an SP made me find reserves of strength I never knew I had. The same has already started to happen for you.

Re solicitors - can you find one offering a free first half hour consultation? You could try and get a few and then do the rounds til you have got all your questions answered.

(Also, any solicitor's practice where you have had a free half hour will be unable to act for your XP because of conflict of interest, which would at least be mildly diverting...)

What a positive story, Sparklyredshoes!

BTF, there is a decent relationship book by Harvey Willard (or maybe it wss Willard Harvey!) called His needs, her Needs. The author reckons that there are only 10 things needed by either party in a marriage, and that each of us has a top five. He also says that men tend to pick the same five, and women a different five, although everyone has their own top five, which might differ from the trend.

Anyway, they are:

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Men who have affairs often take some of their five needs from their wife, and others from their affair partner. He also has a chapter on men who leave their wives whilst an affair is going on, and he says it is critical to withdraw those needs which you have met in his life.

Not that you would care to offer them, anyway!

Hope you are doing OK, as far as possible.

Dont worry so much about DS. He is only 4, and he will be fine, really.

My 24 year old was only 3 when I left my first h, and she is absolutely fine, and one of those girls who get called 'a credit to...etc'.

If anything, the younger ones have had more trauma from my crappy relationship with current h over the last two years, when he was denying his infidelity.

Thanks that looks interesting.

While we are on the subject of books, does anyone know of a good book to help children through separation? exP and I are going to talk (together) to DS on Friday and explain what's happening. I'd just planned to tell him that Mummy and Daddy aren't going to live together any more but that we both still love him very much and that he can still see Daddy a lot and in no way is any of this his fault. We also need to tell him about holiday but I'm hoping that the excitement of Granny coming with us will outweigh the negatives of Daddy not coming.

Is there anything else I should/should not say? I don't want to overload him, he is only 4 after all but he needs to understand what's happening. He was very, very upset at bedtime last night. I had planned to go out and told DS that but then he hurt his foot and had a total meltdown saying he wanted Daddy. Really heart-breaking stuff. Then he said he didn't want me to go. So I didn't. He's OK again this morning but I've never seen him like that before.

This site reviews different books for issues with children healthybooks.org.uk/category/8/

Sorry to join so late- I have been lurking but had no constructive advice to give. I would avoid telling your ds that it is not his fault- the word fault suggests that someone whether you dh or he is at fault, you want to impress that this is not a blame situation. Its just something that has changed. You need to reinforce that there is nothing wrong and no fault with living apart- it will be different but no better or worse than before.
I think that children don't necessarily listen to full sentences, and at his age, the word fault may be something that he later dwells on when processing what you've told him. Avoid any negative words like fault, blame, etc.

Sorry to join so late- I have been lurking but had no constructive advice to give. I would avoid telling your ds that it is not his fault- the word fault suggests that someone whether you dh or he is at fault, you want to impress that this is not a blame situation. Its just something that has changed. You need to reinforce that there is nothing wrong and no fault with living apart- it will be different but no better or worse than before.
I think that children don't necessarily listen to full sentences, and at his age, the word fault may be something that he later dwells on when processing what you've told him. Avoid any negative words like fault, blame, etc.

I would tell him gradually too... not a big sit down discussion... try and make it not such a big deal - i know that sounds weird - but he will pick up the mood and the implications of the situation from how you and your ex behave.

Thanks, that is good advice. I think we'll just have a chat, all three of us, about how things have changed, and Daddy is not living with us anymore. I do think we need to talk to him again as the last thing I said was that Daddy had gone for a few days so he needs to understand that this is a permanent situation. He's not asked when Daddy is coming back though, so maybe he does get it.
We'll try and not make it too big of a deal.
I have been saying to him every day that he can ask me anything and talk to me, or Daddy, or Granny etc whenever he wants but he's starting to get a bit of a teenage "Stop going on Mum!" attitude when I do this so I think I'll back off for a bit!