So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

Definitely still go on holiday. You both need and deserve it.

Another vote for going on the holiday - time away can be great for perspective, and your DS will have a great time.

Enjoy your early morning cuddles :) That doesn't count as spoiling - you both need a bit of extra TLC right now.

The Facebook thing might be something or nothing.

Try to keep your focus on what you need to be doing. What he does will become clear in the fullness of time. For now it's not your problem.

I think deleting her from fb or deleting his fb a/c preferably sends a strong signal to her and you, the fact that he hasn't is a bit . One of the first things my DH did on discovery was delete all methods of communciation with ow - as everyone says it is all about actions now or as my dh's counsellor said "you cannot talk yourself out of something you have acted yourself into".

I would also like to say how much I admire you for the way you have handled this with so much dignity - I am afraid I lost a little of mine when I found out about dh's affair .

You are doing really well, go on that holiday and really look after and spoil yourself now, lots of bubble baths, new hair do, clothes and make up - little things but it does help.

Good luck.

yy to spoiling yourself, even if you do resist the urge to spoil DS.

I think you should have the holiday you deserve it and it sends out a powerful message

be great if you can go on that try and go on that holiday but take your mum or a friend maybe now is not the right time to go away on your own with ds (is quite lonely at night)

remember in time to come how you have dealt with this because it will give you comfort to know how strong you can be when you need to be

I really don't know about the holiday. I suppose logistically there's no reason why not. I'm just not sure if I can cope for 10 days by myself with DS. I can imagine it being quite lonely. Then again, it might be just what we need. I was thinking if someone else could come with us but I'm not sure if people can get time off work etc.
As with everything, I'm not making a decision just yet, just finding out what the implications would be. But I have already decided that if we don't go away I'lll still take the time off work and me and DS will do some nice days out perhaps visit friends and family. We do deserve treats!

I'm sure when you tell your friends one of them will be able to come with you. I definitely wouldn't go on your own with DS - it will make you sad, but going with a friend will make it a different type of holiday and give you a break.

I'm sure you have explained a bit to DS in a way he can take in but I would also encourage him to ask any questions 'and mummy will try to answer them'. As he might be aware of you and friends talking alot in lowered tones behind closed doors, also with your DM, which is prob not normal behaviour. Little kids can get the wrong end of the stick and imagine things which are worse than the truth.

But best of luck, you are doing great in an awful situation.

Bring someone on holidays with you if you can.

noddy's right - going ahead does send a powerful message.

I'm really sorry to read your story, you are being very brave and strong. A credit to womankind !

As for facebook although its a very trivial thing it does mean something doesn't it, I have an iphone and its easy to defriend on it. The fact he hasn't done it says that either hes not been on facebook and hasn't thought of it yet or hes using it to communicate with her. I would ask him straight, are you still talking to her through facebook ? then at least you'll know, sounds like he is trying to be honest with you at least and thats a good sign

Could your mum come on holiday with you?

I would not mention FB and just note what happens. Rather than mentioning it - or worse, 'shifting your goalposts' and saying something like - you are still friends with her on FB, you have til midday to get rid' etc. - just monitor it. What you want is the truth - what will he choose to do if left to his own devices? Knowing that is far more 'valuable' than getting her off his FB (who cares about FB really, it's what it signifies.) And if he chooses to signal that to him, deleting her at some point in a few days' time when he has easy access to a pc is just the same as making a big effort to FIND access and delete her immediately - then what he is indicating is that he is still the arrogant, nasty git who did what he did in the first place. 'What's the difference, it was only a few days, I couldn't get on FB.' Like so many other things, that will tell you A LOT.

I find children are an amazing accessory for getting people to talk to you and I have found on my holidays with the dcs they have always found other children to play with and made friends.

Try and take the holiday. It will do you both the world of good. Just make sure he can't get in the house while you are away.

I too would go on the holiday. A break and bit of sunshine will do you the power of good. Re. the FB thing, I don't know how to block/defriend on my phone, or even on the iPad - always do it on PC, so the fact he has not defriended her might not be significant at all....

I would go on the holiday and take someone with you if you want to it shouldn't be difficult to get a name changed on the details.

Even go with your dc just the two of you, I am sure you will have a fab time and with dc you can't get lonely and you can have some excellent bonding time.

Plenty of books for when ds is sleeping or playing and a good selection of magazines

I agree 100% with GoPoldark about the FB thing.

You have talked. He knows what he needs to do. If he doesn't then he is as thick as two short planks or is trying to have his cake and eat it too out of arrogance, lust or whatever. Watch him now as he either does what needs doing without prompting from you, or tries to get away with empty words.

You are not the relationship police and don't get into that pattern. He has to come to his senses all by himself or else whatever he does doesn't count as coming to his senses.

Take a friend with you, don't cancel!

As for not deleting her off Facebook - he is disgusting. And cocky with it.

ARSE. Ds v v upset at bedtime. Dp still here trying to settle him. It's horrible

I would ask P to go tbh.

You would be better to settle DS.

Tough as this sounds, it might be better not to have the DP in and out to do bedtimes, etc. Sometimes it's a good idea to have meetings with daddy take place outside of the house.

Agree with the others. You do it.

[ would struggle not to say "this is what your cheap fuck achieved. Worth it, was it?" as he slinks out of the door.]

However. Think to yourself - there have probably been plenty of times your DS has been upset at bedtime for no reason at all. . . this may not be in response to your problems at all.

my DS took about six weeks to understand daddy doesn't live with us, and now he always sees him until 5.30pm or so on contact days - DS waves him off with a cheery 'Ba-bye daddy' and we do our normal bedtime routine.

I know it feels like this will kill you right now, but honestly this too will pass and when it does, you and your DS will be closer and stronger. The 'new routine' will feel normal and you will all find a new way of being. His Dad will always be his Dad but you don't have to have him in your home or doing bedtime with you both to keep that link. Boundaries won't hurt their relationship, it will help, as hard as it is to enforce them, don't be afraid of them.

:( so sorry you are having to go through this

DS is asleep. He never does this. He normally goes off to bed with a happy "night, night, I love you!" He wanted to get up, play, have one more story. Then he was just sobbing "I want Mummy, I want Daddy, I want, I want" In the end I got him up, wrapped him in a blanket and rocked him in the rocking chair like I did when he was a baby. Then he said his tummy hurt and wanted medicine so I gave him calpol and he went back to bed. I went to make him a hot water bottle and by the time I got back up he was asleep.
DP was still here and I asked him to wait a few mins in case DS hadn't settled and still wanted him so we sat in stony silence and then I told him to go. I told him he could see DS on Sunday, to be here at 10am and that I would tell DS he was coming so not to let him down. He said "I won't let him down". I resisted the urge to tell him he already had and he went.

My poor, poor boy. No way is DP doing bedtimes for a long time yet. The past couple of nights he's been fine but obviously it unsettled him having DP here. I think DP is going to have to still do the nursery pick ups but he can leave when I get home at 6.

I'm just exhausted. Mum's popping round but I've asked her not to stay as I just want to eat something and go to bed.