So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

'You need to be very open to the fact that whatever comes out of his mouth is a lie however convincing or sincere he seems. Anyone who can do this to a partner and child is very good at lying to themselves and those around them.'

Oh yes indeedy, even down to calling it 'compartmentalising'.

...............
I know I wish someone from exH's office had said something to me instead of looking at me funny when, at exH's request, I brought newborn DD4 to see everyone there one afternoon at great inconvenience to myself. The 'look' that I got from the office manager disturbed me for a long time and I remembered it clearly when I found out, over a year later. It wasn't unfriendly or anything like that; there was clearly something on her mind. I hadn't a clue.

Agree with Cornflower - I wouldn't tell OW's husband but I would tell my friends and family and wouldn't protect her identity.

I've read your whole thread and think you are awesome.

The thing that stands out most for me actually is him saying 'it was just sex'.

I know this is the refain of the adulterer. But:

To build up to a sexual affair will have meant inappropriate texting/emailing/whispered phone calls/flirting/snatched dinners or drinks...lying to both spouses. That in itself is not 'just sex'.

'Just sex' means being in bed together, it means hugging and kissing and laughing and chatting afterwards - it means all sorts of sexual activities including oral sex. He makes it sound functional or perfuntuary - 'just sex'. Sex is very very intimate.

Yup, its another example of his minimising isn't it.

'just sex'

err, sex is one of the last things that is 'just' anything if you are both married to other people, isn't it? Or maybe not, to him, which is why he thought it fine to use the marital bed.

This isn't a person I'd want to have as my rock and stay really.

Have to say though, isn't 'compartmentalising' a beautifully neutral way to say 'I am an absolutely chilling example of an utter, utter cunt?' Briefer, too.

I must lead a comparatively sheltered life Rasputin, plus I don't actually watch soap operas so probably shouldn't have made that remark.

I think where he's coming from is that I was good at all the general wifey stuff, shopping, cooking etc. I'm a awesome mother too (his words, but I know it) but our relationship was lacking in sex and that gap had to be filled. Compartments, you see? Rather than turning to me and saying "you know, our sex life is not great is it? How do you feel about it? Do you still fancy me? What can I do to make it better? What can we do together to make this better?" he found someone else to fill that need for him. Didn't think about my bloody needs at all did he? I admit that I should have had that conversation with him too and for the communication to break down is both our responsibility BUT! I DID NOT SHAG ANYONE ELSE! And I never would.

ANd yes it is like some stupid soap opera plot except it would never get written because it's so blooming obvious! It's seedy and sordid and disgusting. And it's my life.

Absolutely don't tell her. The temptation to make her life as messy as yours is probably overwhelming but it will make you feel dreadful and your own situation will be unchanged. Have a break from him and consider your life do you really want to put your effort into a relationship where one of you feels the need to replace anything that is lacking in times of stress with an outside distraction. There are many times when sex and intimacy get sidelined it is called RL!

Don't allow what other people do to you to define you.

I know math, but I am part of this whether I want to be or not. I am the wronged woman, the victim, the injured party. I will be gossiped about and pitied as much as I am supported. And so will DS.
DP brought filth into our home.

You are not a victim.

But thinking like that, quite frankly, makes him a sociopath.

It is obvious that if you are not having the sex life you would like with your wife, you tackle it by trying to improve things with your wife.

I know he isn't exactly alone in offering this excuse and to essentially call him quite disturbed for his actions is a pretty extreme view. But think about it. Say your mum and dad had a holiday home which you wanted to use for a week in the summer, but it wasn't available. Would you, for example, call up Auntie May and Uncle Jack, your mum's sister and husband, and demand to use THEIR holiday home instead, because you weren't getting the use of the holiday home your nearest and dearest had, and well, you want a holiday and you don't see why you shouldn't have it? Or maybe steal the keys to said holiday home and book your flights and just use it without telling them?

It would be what a completely scarily crazy person would do, no sense of - well, normality in life and relationships. And that's what he's done. Compartmentalising? It's a pretty word for someone with a big fucking problem, essentially. He has a life. A son. A wife. Family. A home. A whole web of relationships which presumably he is not saying that he actually cannot physically understand, yes? He understands. He is just one of those quite nasty fucking pieces of work who cares more for themselves than for anyone else, and is arrogant enough to think that if they do what they like, they can probably talk themselves out of any shit, so it'll have been worth it. He wanted the sex, he got the sex. It was more important than you. That tells you what you need to know.

My last post in answer to OP's at 16.42

Do you know Bornto you can chose to be a victim or you can chose to be a phoenix rising out of the ashes .. I would hazard a guess that after the way you've dealt with things so far you'll be a phoenix xx

Folk, I was a complete muppet over a man last year and swore everyone would be talking about it and saying they had known it wouldn't work. When I finally came out and told 2 friends I felt like that, they were surprised and turned around and said they hadn't been telling people, it wasn't anyone's business, plus I got the feeling they understood how I might feel.

I was cheated on too. It was strange feeling like you say 'the wronged woman.'

But put that shite completely behind you. You are cool, HE has revealed himself to be not what you thought. Don't beat your own self up for what he is, letting the disappointment out at yourself. You sound angry today, that's a good thing.

By the way, if you both have your names on the deeds of the house, that bodes well for you.

For anyone else out there - don't EVER live anywhere where you do not have an interest!!! Women need somewhere to go if it goes pete tong.

Although it feels completely humiliating right now, remember that you have done nothing wrong here. I agree with KirstyWirsty that you can choose how to see yourself and how much value to assign to how you think others are reacting (and once you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off I have a feeling you will be the phoenix too).

As a proactive measure (hate that phrase) get some legal advice about the house at least, and any joint accounts, etc.

My h denied his internet seedy shenanigans with many young women for more than 5 years, and when it was finally admitted at relate, he said that sadly he hadnt given me a second thought when he was doing it. The only time he thought about me at all, was when I occasionally found evidence and he constructed elaborate and technically complicated denial, which I was silly enough to believe. Until I no longer did.

He also pretty much said he had compartmentalised, although he may not have used the term.

It is simply a way of behaving by someone who is selfish, in order to have everything they want in life and to feel Ok about themselves.

It is also the preserve, usually, of the taker in the relationship. Their focus is on themselves, and on what they can keep, and also it helps them not to think about another person's viewpoint.

It is entirely in keeping, too, with Shirley Glass's research showing that it is not usually the person who has given the most to the relationship who is the adulterer, but the person who has given the least. Regardless of their gender.

These people, especially if you exclude those very young people who are still learning about relationships and who often still live at home, are often fairly troubled as people, under the surface.

As a proactive measure (hate that phrase) get some legal advice about the house at least, and any joint accounts, etc.

Yes. I have Tues off next week. I went to the CAB today and picked up a leaflet with some useful numbers on. I'm going to make an appt with them and with an STI clinic for Tues. I need to find out where I stand with the house and with DS.
DP did say "you can have everything. I did this. I don't deserve anything, it's all yours". Which is lovely and everything but it's not his to give. We have a whacking great mortgage which one person cannot pay and he cannot run a household for himself plus contribute enough to keep our house running.

I hope he means that. But I wouldnt rely on it, once the shock wears off him too.

Longer term, could you afford to stay with a lodger?

PS Note for later on, when things have calmed down- you could value the house asap, before the summer recess, and keep the valuation letter. Just in case. Prices are higher in the spring and not bad right now. If you stay, it will be a record for when/he he asks for any equity, if prices happen to rise.

I hope you have some company planned for later eg your mum.

Maybe just make a list of things to do, for ehen you have the energy to tackle them?

Your poor thing.

On that note, I really, really, REALLY advise you to strike while the iron is hot, and get things as sewn up as you can while he still feels guilty and also thinks that if he's super nice there is a chance you will forgive him

I have read countless tales on here of men who said the same, racked with guilt... but it does not last. Especially not when the bill starts to add up re living costs etc.... and the shame wears off and the anger sets in 'Well she wants to break up the family...' - and then the thumbscrews come out.

The bottom line is, if you have care of your DS, then no matter what happens, he will always be in a more flexible position when it comes to work, housing, moving around. He will always have that bit more freedom and that bit less worry when it comes to making ends meet. It will always be more difficult for you. So PLEASE, think of your son and aim for the best deal for him. Act now to get an agreement on the house, make sure any accounts are locked down NOW. Get good advice and act on it now - the quicker the better, because also if you take action now then there's a good chance he won't move as quickly in return as half of him will be thinking, she's just trying to scare me.

You need to get a jump on him here. Even if you do end up staying with him. Self preservation.

So sorry you had to go through this OP and I think you've been very fair and brave in the way you dealt with your meeting with him.

Him cheating is bad enough (I'm not trying to lessen it at all) but I'm finding the fact he brought her to your home, and she willingly entered your home to have sex with him, speaks volumes about the pair of them.
For me that would be it, I know I would never forgive him nor respect him again.
Regarding her husband - I would be torn, but I think I would eventually tell him, he deserves to know what a slut he is sharing his life with. I wouldn't care what your P opinion is the matter neither - he made his bed and can now lie in it, if he gets a pasting from his "mate" then that's his own fault.
Stay strong xxx

Personally I wouldn't tell the OW's DH - or at least, not yet. I think at the moment, the most important thing is for you to focus on you, DP and DS, and what is right for the three of you. The possible drama created by dropping that bombshell will distract you and DP from the main central issue. There's no rush, when the dust has settled a bit you can give some more thought to it.

I wouldn't do anything about the OW until you have decided whether or not you wish to reconcile with your husband. If you decide to eventually forgive him, and both of you then decide to put in the work necessary to salvage and bring your marriage back to a healthy state (and I really do wish you the best if that's what you decide) then she really won't matter.

If, however, you decide that you really cannot get over what your husband has done, then out the bitch

I really wish you the best of luck, either a happy reunion and a happy marriage, or a separation that leads to better things.