So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

Yes, please call his mum, else she may see it that you are setting a precedent. You don't have to ave a heart o heart, but just "i know things are a bit strange at the moment, but just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday, here's ds..."

If they have been trained by a reputable martial arts teacher then the husband won't batter your H - not using skills like that is something that ought to have been properly ingrained. And if he did batter your H then he'd lose his matrial arts licence.

I agree with what someone else said - you dont suddenly just decide to invite ow to your family home. This had built up over a while.

For all you know he was bluffing - maybe the ows husband already found out a while ago and she'd told him it'd finished.

Ime there will be others that know about this already if they've been so bold as to actually use their own homes.

I'm so sorry that you're in this horrid situation. Personally I wouldn't tell the OW's H. What is it going to achieve other than destroying another family?

Distance yourself completely from them and the H might just figure it out himself.

Those of you, telling the OP to talk to the OWs husband are, I suspect, enjoying the drama of the OPs situation and IMO are very close to fanning the flames for their own entertainment.
People have different motivations for doing things at different times of their lives. Just because they have taken a wrong turn once does not mean they will make a habit of it, because the combination of factors that occurred that led them to wrong thinking and acting will not occur again or will be anticipated and stopped in its tracks.
Your marriage may be injured rather than dead/broken.

Well, obviously I can only speak for myself but wigglybeezer you are wrong when you said I am enjoying the drama and fanning the flames for my own entertainment

The OP has had her world turned upside down and I woudl say everyone, except you of course, is on this thread because they want to help and support her whatever she decides to do.

I am on this thread to help by offering an alternative to the majority, " leave him" rhetoric. I have been in this situation too as I said earlier, just on the other side (being the unfaithful one). However I should have qualified by saying "some" people are enjoying the drama as well as others giving valuable support to the OP.

Nothing wrong with offering a different point of view is there, we all need a wide range of experiences and opinions to make considered choices.

OP I'm really glad you have had time to think and aren't rushing into accepting anything - least of all his version of events.

Re. your MIL's birthday - please call her! Her biggest and most immediate fear when her shit of a son tells her what's happened will be 'I might lose my grandchild.' Don't make her think for a second that your first instinct is to draw back with your son from her family. Reassure her - and of course it doesn't hurt to spike your H's guns a bit if he's going to offer an explanation which involves you being a harpy who no sane man could be blamed for cheating on...

Secondly, on telling OW's H - yes, I would - and not for any drama loving reason but simply for self preservation. Think of it this way. What you are trying to do right now is to put the fear of God into your H, yes? You cannot afford to make one move which even suggests that you are:

• afraid to expose it all, afraid to make any split 'permanent' in any sense
• afraid of what 'people will say'
• keen on minimising as you know deep down that this is a temporary blip

All of those things will send the message loud and clear that you are going to forgive him and that right now you're just posturing. Telling her H is probably the one thing which will give him the BIGGEST indicator that yes, you are prepared to kick him into touch, and you don't give a shit what the consequences are. That you mean business and he is really up shit creek.

If you do end up taking him back, telling her H is probably one of the best things you could do to really get across the fact to him that if he ever was to stray again, he can rely on you unleashing a whirlwind.

Whereas if you don't, one of the little voices in that selfish, shitty self-entitled little head will be - 'She won't rock the boat. Ok even if she catches me again, she's too shit-scared of what the neighbours will think to ever really kick up a fuss, much less dump me...'

You keep HIS secret for him at your peril, imo.

I think you are wrong wiggly, and maybe too prejudiced by your own story?

If I were the husband of the infidel woman who shagged the husband of the OP in this scenario, I would want to know.

I was particularly hmmm about the post speculating about the OW being pregnant, that comes across as a soap opera plot and was not helpful IMO.

I agree that your son does not need to see his father injured. I would still tell the ow h. Like others have said martial arts are about self discipline, so he's unlikely to deck your p.

Definitely ring his mother, she is another victim of dickhead son's behaviour, and there's no reason why you shouldn't still be on friendly terms with her.

You are totally amazing with the way you are handling this, I so glad that you are strong, your little boy is very lucky to have such a lovely mummy who is so dedicated to making sure he is put first.

I feel for you, I have been in a similar place. Read your op and it brought tears to my eyes. You come across a lovely person and a strong one too.

The best advice I can give you is to really take on board the brilliant advice given on mn.

I have been in a place recently to finding the man who I trusted and really thought would never ever do this to me or his family, not ever. He didn't have the time... Not the type... . But he had been cheating and then some.

I too thought that it was out of character. But Nope, it is the man he is.

You have had your world taken apart. It's a hideous place to be. Everything you thought about him has now changed. You need time to digest this.

You say that you had already addressed problems. But what ever the problems were they do not justify this man bringing an other woman to your bed. For what its worth I had years and years of my stbxh rejection, did I look else where.... No. (More fool me maybe) It's not how you conduct yourself in a committed relationship.

I know the feeling of wanting to have things back to normal but they can't be and its so sad/hard going from the safe daily life you thought you had to the reality you face.

You need to be very open to the fact that whatever comes out of his mouth is a lie however convincing or sincere he seems.Anyone who can do this to a partner and child is very good at lying to themselves and those around them.

Whatever decision you make is yours and yours alone to make. But give yourself the time. Don't let yourself be forced into any decision making.

You will come to a decision and let it be in your own time on your own terms.

I found out about my stbxh affair and I stayed around to make it work for a while. But I was in shock and fell for how sorry he said he was. Everyone's journey and story is different, but tread carefully at this stage. You will feel very different a days time....weeks time.

My ex said to me he would support me and our family what ever decision I made. Believe me its a different story now I have actually left him behind. So looking in to the legal side of things is a very good idea.

Keep strong, you will swing from emotion to emotion within a split second at this stage.Be kind to yourself. Glad your mum coming home to be there for you.

From someone who found out about an affair and stuck around after for longer than I maybe should, (I had to explore all options and we have 3 dc to think about)and I also thought I couldnt do it alone. Do you know what.... I am doing it. And I am surviving just fine.But this will be to soon for you to think that far ahead. Just take try take it one step at a time. Feel for you I really do. Hugs to you and your ds, you deserve far better than this, both of you xxx

Ps tricky place you find yourself knowing the ow and her husband. But remember where the blame lays. Take your time over that decision. You are right though,do not lie to cover up for what the pair of idiots have been doing. And I will add the sentiments you rock, very well handled so far!

Keep strong, but don't be hard on yourself if you don't feel strong. You have had lots of brilliant advice and support already. I just wanted to add to the support. Good luck btf x

wigglybeezer, did you ever tell your OH about your infidelity?

I would want to know.

Years and years ago the partner i was devoted to made several passes at my best friend and she rebuffed him.
She never said a word at the time because she said she didn't want to break my heart. I was crazy about him and living with him, no kids.
When we split she told me and the first thing i said was "Why didn't you tell me??"

I would have dumped his sorry arse and met someone new. Around that time i met a lovely man who was interested and i told him i couldn't go on a date, obviously, as i had a boyfriend.
If i'd been single i would have gone on that date and things would have been very different.
I wasted years.

Well, I wasn't just going on my own experience, I know a couple of other families who were in the OPs position where the relationship was repaired and the infidelity was a one off.

Anyway it sounds as though the OP is being quite measured about how she handles things.

I don't regard myself as an apologist for adulterous men BTW but I just think these situations are sometimes repairable.

The thing about telling the OW's husband is, well, how exactly does one approach that situation? I'd find it extremely difficult to phone someone up to tell them that their family life may not be as happy as they thought it was. The OP has just had her whole world shaken up; it's not necessarily that easy to just pass the horrible news along.

Hattifatner, yes I did, I can't remember how long after it ended as it was more than 20 years ago, but probably a couple of months after it ended ( he had to go on a long trip and I waited until he got back to tell him).

It all felt like a bad dream at that time, when I "came round" I felt like I had not entirely been in my right mind, my choices were not rational (although of course they were choices and I could and should have made different ones) . It was a period of my life when a lot of big decisions and upheavals were happening and I think I rebelled against always being sensible IYKWIM, but I was only 22 at the time.

What would you have said to me if I had posted on Mumsnet at the time.

I think it is up to the cuckold to decide what happens next. I feel that the person who has the affair loses the right to determine what happens in the relationship the minute they start to play around. So the wronged party should have all the facts as quickly as possible so that he/she can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship, whether they think its worth salvaging.

I think she should tell the husband, her partner is, I think, being manipulative and making her feel responsible if anything happens to him. If he had been really afraid of the husband he would never have gone near the OW.

My DH's ex had an affair with a friend and the wife didn't know. My DH regrets not telling her as it went on even after dh ended the marriage. The affair only came out when they had lined everything up and were ready "to be together forever". The wife knew nothing and had been betrayed for years - having the OW at her house and being kind to her.

Most people when they find out about an affair are at least pleased it was discovered early on. Knowing it went on for years, behind your back, causes untold damage as it's hard to trust in the future.

dont tell her husband for gods sake.
concentrate on your own marriage.
Soem posters trying to make this into a drama

I wouldn't tell the OW's husband, but nor would I shy away from telling my friends exactly what had happened. Presumably it would then only be a matter of time before he found out.

I would want to know. I would be terribly angry if someone knew for a fact my spouse was behaving this way and didn't tell me. Unreasonable yes but I would want to know if my life was a lie.

But then is it the op's responsibility? Not really.

"Not explicit blame but that we don't talk and he's scared of rejection and how he wanted sex the other night and I said I'd rather read my book."

I believe that is a good example of what Madabout meant by minimising.

He did not sleep with the OW because of your actions or other wise 'the other night'. I dont even believe that it has just started, and by his own admission, hadnt he already slept with her once by then?

Do you see what I mean- it is not taking responsibility, and trying to pin the blame on the victim.

I would give the OW notice that she has 24 hours to tell her H, before you do. And then contact him as well, as she may lie. There are a few examples here from people who wish they had, or who did so, successfully. Particularly as you knew him.

Even in one day you have more information from him that originally, and you will certainly get more, in my view.

I second the recommendation for Shirley Glass book. It is extremely well researched, very readable, and a number of us would hardly have made sense of our lives without it in those early post discovery days.

Glad you have told a few people in RL.

than originally

Hi, I think you sound like you are coping amazingly well given these horrible circs. I wanted to say just keep taking one day at a time. I can see why you are worrying about consequences of your DP getting beaten up, but you can't control whether it happens and you have no part in whether or not someone else decides to do that so just keep on focusing on what you can control, which is you and your DS.

As for telling the OW's husband, you do not know if it is the right thing to do, so don't rush into anything. You are not responsible for someone else's marriage, you did nothing wrong and so have no explaining to do.