So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

Hope you are ok this morning OP?

Re telling OW's H, I will tell you my story. My OW was a mutual friend who was married with DC. We all knew each other and met up a few times with our DCs.

During discovery, by the time the shock has worn off, I didn't feel up to any more drama and kind of assumed OW's H would know given how we cut off all contact with the whole family.

Six months later, I decided to tell her H. He is very grateful that I told him, although he said he wishes I had told him earlier esp since my H was one in a long line of OMs which would have put his health and wellbeing at risk.

I know several couples where the husband had an affair but they stayed together. It was obviously very difficult at the time but both marriages became good marriages again, in fact better marriages I think that have lasted for 40 years plus.
I also had an affair in my twenties, before DH and I were married, he never found out but I told him after it was over and he forgave me ( he put it behind him faster than I did).
Don't write everything off too quickly, your DS needs you both to try and put things back together.
Sometimes a brief, selfish,affair is just that not the tip of an iceberg.

I found out where 'my' OW lives with her husband .. I think she might still be there with him (and she is still seeing STBX although only for lunches and quick meetings which is why I suspect she is still with Hubby) .. I was tempted to contact him but I thought it might just make things easier for the pair of them doing their dirty work for them so I have done nothing about it

The thing is that she goes by her maiden name so I couldn't even write to him ... if addressed to Mr Lying Bitch it may have been a give away!

He has lied to you.
He has cheated on you.
He has shagged another woman in your bed, the bed you conceived, fed and cuddled your baby in.
He was going to continue to lie (because of course they weren't trying to end it).
He has wrecked your baby's planned future and taken away the chance for full siblings.

So hell, yes, tell the husband and don't warn his wife or your twatty husband you are going to do this, it gives them time to prepare.....

I hope that you are managing to deal with things well today and that your boy is still blissfully unaware of what's happening here. I've not been through a situation like this, but ups and downs are inevitable I suppose.

You have an army of women here who respect you for your strength and dignity and who are so impressed with your dealings with your husband. I am amazed by your dignity in the face of such treachery and selfishness. Your partner on the other hand...he clearly doesn't know a good thing when he has it.

I wouldn't say anything to them directly - you've got enough going on without bringing in a ranting OW's husband into yours and your sons life - it's your DPs look out let him deal with it - but as you say don't cover up or deny if you're asked then say it. You've done brilliantly so far - you sound like a strong woman and a great mum. You will surprise yourself - you will make the right choices for you and your DS I'm sure x good luck

He has broken everything for "just sex." Not even for love..

"I'm still breathing" is the most self centred remark I have ever heard. It invites you to collude with him and be relieved that he has got away with it, from the bigger threat that is an outraged man. It completely belittles your own reaction and betrayal.
Fancy changing your thread title to "My 100% unreliable untrustworthy DP has been revealed for the lying shit he is"?
I would tell the husband. You don't need to deal with the fall-out in their family but he should know.
Good luck - you sound like a lovely person. Better times are ahead.

The just sex thing - that is what my H said too, its part of the minimising thing they do to make things look less bad, but actually from my POV, it just made it worse - throwing away everything for just sex.

In reality my H did have some feelings but he was in so much denial that it took him some time to realise there was an emotional attachment after all.

This has been going on for some time - if you read the Shirley Glass book, you will realise that there has been a lot of time spent on the slippery slope into a full blown affair e,g being friends, flirting, exchanging confidences, then kissing and so on. Its very unusual for them to suddenly decide to go to their family home for a fuck.

"Not only has DP betrayed me, our son, our families but also someone he counted as a good friend. I don't know if I want a relationship with someone who is capable of that. "

Hold on to that thought.

Dont let him blackmail you emotionally with this "i am still breathing stuff". He has breathed pretty heavily with her, let him pant a bit with her husband, while they get physical too....
HE has put himself in this position. Not you. HE has chosen to shag his mates wife (in your bed). He has betrayed you, your child, his mate, and his mates children too. He has betrayed a good number of people.

You have all the right in the world to be angry, hurt, upset, and even vindictive. But, dont let the thought of the consequences to him stop you, because you are not telling the mate because you want revenge, your motivation is different.

chocoraisin, thanks for your post. It helps to hear others' experiences. I'm really sorry you went through this too. And pregnant too.

We'd talked about more children. I'm desparate for another child (not so desparate I'd take him back, just for that, before you all start shouting at me!) and he knew that but clearly his desire for sex was more important that our (my) desire to grow our family.

I feel OK this morning. I actually felt oddly happy when I first woke up,I think because I'd had a good night's sleep. Then it all comes crashing down again as the realisation sets in.

DS seems OK. He was slightly odd last night. He came in from the garden where he was playing with DP, shut the living room door where I was(we never shut it normally) and said "no one's coming in. No one can come in" I don't know if he was referring to OW or just playing a game but he was not himself and wanted a cuddle.
The plan was that DP would put him to bed but he only wanted Mummy.
I spoke to the nursery manager this morning and let her know what was going on (not the gory details, just that DP has moved out, possibly permanently) so she'll keep an eye out for him.

I'm still somewhere between wanting him back (I miss him. The only thing that makes me sob is missing him, everything else just makes me angry/confused/humiliated) and not knowing if I want a relationship with a person who has the capacity to do this. It was a good conversation last night in the sense that I said a lot of what I needed to say but there was also some big red flags - he said that he was compartmentalising his life. So he could take me out for a birthday dinner and have a nice time with me because that was separate from what he was doing with OW. And he could talk to OW's husband because that was another box. That's pretty fucked up isn't it? That's what I told him he needed help with because a normal person does not think like that. My life is not compartmentalised. My life is my home and my family and everything I do is to support that. I told DP that I felt like I was the one responsible for keeping the home going and it managed to turn into a conversation about who did the most housework. That's when I told him, to go because we weren't saying anything constructive by then. We are too far gone for discussions about who gets up with DS the most. I can't talk to him again for a bit because it will turn into a conversation about trivia and I can't deal with that at the moment.

Just realised it's DP's mum's birthday tomorrow. Normally I'd phone her and put DS on to wish her a happy birthday. However, DP will be there tomorrow, telling her that he's been having an affair. Do I phone? She's a lovely lady, she doesn't deserve the hurt and disappointment that DP is about to dish out. Interesting what someone said about looking at how men treat their mum's - DP has always treated his mum as a bit of a doormat. Like I say, she's a lovely lady but she's a fusspot. Her heart's in the right place though and I'm very fond of her but the fussing drives DP mad and he can be short with her and keep her at arm's length in a way. I'm not sure I've ever seen him be affectionate with her. But then my relationship with my Dad is royally fucked up so who am I to talk?

Sorry, rambling again and I should be working...best go.

I'm taking a day off work next week so start to sort through the financial/legal stuff. I need to know where I stand and to let DP know the full implications of his twattishness.

Do call his mum. She will be very upset if she is not getting a call from you and her grandchild.

You absolutely need to get your finances in order and take some legal advice.

Sorry, I dont mean to sound bossy. I just agree that taking advice is the right thing to do.

I wouldn't say anything to them directly - you've got enough going on without bringing in a ranting OW's husband into yours and your sons life - it's your DPs look out let him deal with it

Sorry, I am going but just noticed this and wanted to address it. What if OW's husband turns up at our house? What if he does find DP and batters him? How the hell do I explain that to DS? DP's brought all this on himself and I'm not sure I care what happens to him but DS does not need to see his dad literally beaten.

What if OW's husband turns up at our house? What if he does find DP and batters him? How the hell do I explain that to DS?

Another reason to take control yourself - let OWs husband know that you found out and have kicked him out. He WON'T turn up ranting at your house then as you and DS are victims too.

Do call MIL for her birthday - she has done nothing wrong and will be heartbroken by her idiot son's behaviour - you need to show her that she is still a valued Granny.

I dont think the other husband would risk having a criminal record. He will not asulte him. Its what your hudband is saying to you to control you and make you not drop his new gf in the shit with her husband.

Its up to you if you want to tell him or not.

OP Your not D P has laid himself open to the risk of being assaulted by his own actions. This is a situation he has put himself into and thought he could get away with.
It sounds as if you are thinking amazingely clearly and covered a lot of ground in your conversation with him. Well done for not rehashing the housework stuff and setting boundaries.

Bornto - if you like his Mum, send her a card & wish her happy birthday.

Well done for staying so strong.

However, DP will be there tomorrow, telling her that he's been having an affair.

Don't count on that. Be prepared to have to tell people the bare truth of things yourself.

Also a man who treats his mother like a doormat is never going to be a good partner to any other woman. How could he be if that's the way he's been conditioned and allowed to treat the most significant woman in his life from an early age?

I would tell her husband as quickly as possible, because he deserves to know and is likely to be fed a pack of lies about why the families are estranged from now on. And as someone else has said, if he's no longer living with you then he won't come to your house. It's not your responsibility to protect her or your partner and another man's potential violence is not your problem either. He'll just as likely react as you did - even though your weak partner wants to depict him as a neanderthal.

Good point about STI. Both you and the other husband needs to get your sexual health checked.

i would contact the husband. poor chap. I think its unlikely that they will turn up on your doorstep with murder in mind. Martial arts is about self control, no? Esp if you tell him your p has been kicked out and is no longer in the family home.

Dont take responsibility for your P - if he gets thumped, then he has legal redress through the police and courts. But if it makes you feel better, when telling the husband, ask him to not retaliate physically and get himself into trouble over these two shaggers - they are not worth it.

I think you owe it to the bloke and to yourself. Because before you know it, you could hear that the OW is up the duff or going out for a romantic dinner, and you will be consumed with jealousy and anger...I think a clean, rip off the bandaid moment, so everyone can make decisions based on all available information.