So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

You see, what your H said was bollocks.

He felt rejected so he shagged a friend of yours in your bed?? Moron. He would have been laying the groundwork with her for some time to get to that stage. You dont just shag, there's all the permission giving, flirting, emotional connecting and interludes before that. Inexcusably he's laying his shoddy behaviour at your door.

D'you what, I'd wait and see what 'truth' he tells his own parents, as that will be very telling. before deciding whether or not to let the OW's H know.

I would tell.ow husband cos if it was me i would want to know.

If you were the husband would you want to know?

Take your time, love

what your emotionally-challenged fuckwit of a shagger partner doesn't realise right now is that actually you have all the power here

if you wake up to that fact, that is, and don't take him back on his terms (or any terms at all, in fact)

You said MNers would be proud of you, and indeed we are. You have behaved with integrity, grace and courage.

I predict this will happen to me too.My DH had an affair with a colleague during his first marriage.As a result he left his wife and two children to pursue the affair,after three months the OW decided to stay with her husband.

After two years alone and miserable my DH met carefree and single me .He explained his history away well,saying that his first wife was severely depressed,and they had become like brother and sister. I naively accepted his explanations ; indeed I only discovered the fact of his affair a year into our relationship.The mere discovery of the real reasons behind his marriage breakdown felt like a deception and betrayal in itself.

It now seems to me that there is a pattern to infidelity . Behind it all is the fact that some men ( and a few women) simply don't have a strong moral core. They don't have deep sense of right and wrong .Once I discovered my DH had followed that pattern ( albeit not with me as yet) it became very hard to respect him. Just learning about his past destroyed part of what I thought we had.

So I carry on, half expecting DH to repeat the pattern of his first marriage . If or when he does, I hope to behave exactly as you have done.

You sound really lovely, and whatever happens, you will evolve and cope, and be happy - with or without him.

I would emil the husband and just stick to the facts its up to him then what to do about it.

'He does not want to be a "part time dad". He wants our family back. It was just sex with the OW. He was selfish and greedy and it seemed easier to get the sex elsewhere than try and sort out with me what was going wrong. '

Isn't it so strange how suddenly his priorities have become so clear to him -- he values the family, he values being a dad...

That is a seriously bass ackwards interpretation of how things happened here. The order in which things happened was most likely:
He was selfish and greedy and lustful and didn't like it when you were devoting more time to the DS instead of him when DS was born.
He had an affair in order to get his ego stroked.
It all affected the relationship with you.
He never had any intention of sorting out anything with you.

'One of the things I asked DP was if they hadn't been caught and had ended it (as apparently they were trying to do) whether he would have told me. He said no.'

My guess is it happened a lot more than once and in your bed and probably hers too.

'Not explicit blame but that we don't talk and he's scared of rejection and how he wanted sex the other night and I said I'd rather read my book. That was me being honest. I was tired and wanted to read and go to sleep. But that felt like rejection.'

I suspect he has been going behind your back since your DS was born.

Talk to a solicitor and get your own rights sorted out before you start wondering what to do about someone else.

What strikes me reading your update is that there are often a number of posts on mn from people saying they are suddenly being 'ignored' by friends and how it upsets them and their dcs they don't know why - i wonder how many of these are due to affairs that the ops don't know about..

I think you should tell the ows husband otherwise he will be left wondering what he's done wrong and if your dcs are friends their going to be affected too.

You have nothing to hide you have done nothing wrong and in the long term that man deserves someone who actually gives a shit about him rather than someone who calmly will fuck their friends partner in the home they share with their dc. There are so many lonely people who would die for a lovely partner and treat them well it makes me sad :(

I admire your strength and dignity. I would have torn both of them to shreds. The fact that you are worried about her dh shows what a nice person you are and your p doesn't deserve to even look at you.

"he's scared of rejection and how he wanted sex the other night and I said I'd rather read my book. That was me being honest. I was tired and wanted to read and go to sleep. But that felt like rejection."

Oh for God's sake. How old is he, 16?

Please see if you can see if you can encourage him to go for some counseling; relationships aren't easy and neither is going it alone for that matter. Plus your baby is so young, so it is so worth trying everything you can before throwing in the towel. We'll all be bringing in our own life experiences too, which won't necessarily reflect your relationship. Take some out, be cool (as much as you can) by not acting too desperate and consider getting some counseling for yourself without him so you can see where you're at and prevent you from acting out on your emotions. Hope that helps.

I just wanted to say how much I respect and admire you for the way you are handling this situation OP. I never normally stray into the Relationships section of MN but tonight my DH is away and my DS is poorly and restless. Your story has certainly given me something to consider as I can only imagine the depth of the betrayal I would feel in your situation.

You ask if you should tell the OWs DH? Tbh, I would without hesitation. It actually made me cry to imagine you doing your best to keep things normal for your DS - reading him his stories and trying not to cry and upset him. Why should this OW get to preserve her 'happy family' when she has decimated yours?

I'm afraid I would not be able to get the thought of her happily going about her home routine with her children and totally oblivious DH whilst I struggled to carry on - and that would motivate me to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Remember, it would not be you ruining her marriage - it seems to me that she's managing to do that effectively by her self. Stupid woman.

Best of luck OP - I know it doesn't feel this way right now but one day you will be able to look back at this time and be really proud of how you have handled yourself. You will find happiness and contentment again, even if it is isn't with your total and inexcusable shit of a DP.

Not sure if the OW won't have told her DP. Surely she would expect Lois to tell him what she knows (and might want to get in with her version first). And not sure if OW's DP would thump 'the other man' as he might be more angry with OW than her partner in crime.
Seems strange that DP had fling with a family friend and friends wife, he must be a total conscienceless dickhead.

Youe P is trying to smooth things over with you in order that you will not tell teh OW husband. I would say that is pretty much all there is to it.

To stoop so low as to bring another woman home to the house of his wife and son, then screw it in your bed, no that would be it for me.

Your life his been ruined by his and her actions. Let the partner of OW know about it and relax back in the fact that both she and your P are in a world of shit that they have to face up to.

They made this problem, let them wallow in the fallout.

Hope you are ok

Your H is already trying to pin the blame for this on you (can't cope with your rejection) and I agree with Charlesrose when she says you can expect lies and not much besides if you try to make him tell you what happened. Lies, and justifications that will involve laying the blame on you.

I think you should ask a neighbour or two if they have seen anything they would like to talk with you about, or if they have heard anything about your P. Rarely is an affair conducted in broad daylight and goes unnoticed.

Op I remember the stage you are at now when you hurt so much that you clasp at anything they say that would make the hurt less. I remeber telling people that "he looks terrible,so guilty" or "he says he hasnt eaten or slept" what i forgot was that all that he had bought upon himself.

After a while (about 2 weeks in my case) I got angry and stopped making excuses for his twattishness and acted accordingly.

I remember one hilarious occasion when i was being a tad frosty on the phone and he asked "whats up with you?" I was incredulous and replied "oh my husband has been shagging around" he said "oh for gods sake get over it!" actually wanted him dead at that moment.

And when he suggested one day that i should be gratefull he had never hit me,i did spit in his tea-so there

You are coping marvellously well OP. I doubt if many of us would remain so calm and dignified.

Agree with other posters that you need to wait and let this sink in - no rash decisions, wait until you have had time to think.

And I would definitely tell the OW's husband - if I was being cheated on I would want to know. Don't worry about the husband's reaction to your 'D'H, that is one of the consequences of shagging someone else's wife.

I like the idea of contacting her first thing in the morning to ruin her day

Firstly you are You are handling this with great dignity and consideration. I am not sure if I could in your situation

The way you read to your son when all you probably wanted to do was run upstairs and rip her head off confront them I don?t know anyone who would have had that restraint and it was the right thing to do for you DS.
I also agree with charlearose regarding the OW. I would personally tell her husband. Not just for revenge (which would be a huge motivating factor for me) but because she doesn?t deserve to evade the consequences of her actions.

He has a right to know and this OW who doesn?t sound like she has particularly high morals may have been putting it about elsewhere and he (and you) should get an STI test.

Wishing you all the best ? stay strong

That thing about 'trying to end it' really made my blood boil. ? try a bit fucking harder.

I really admire how calm and dignified you've remained. You really should feel proud.

I would tell the ow's h. I would want to know in that position, but i'd also get satisfaction of dropping the pair of them in it.

I would also spend the day cutting the crotch out of all his trousers and pants but that's just me!

Be kind to yourself, you owe him nothing.

How are you doing today OP?
Please look after and be kind to yourself. As for the OW's husband - do whatever you feel. You owe him nothing - I know others are saying he'd like to know, and if you feel up to that fine, but you have your own problems at the moment. Do whatever makes you feel OK and that you can cope with,

It's such a horrible place to be in :( OP, I was faced with discovering my STBXH's affair back in January. It also happened in my home, and she knew me and my son (and that I was pg). It's heartbreaking and makes you feel so violated. My heart goes out to you.

My H also told me that he had been 'trying to make it better' (between us) while continuing to see her. They had booked a dirty weekend away together for November 2012, but he claimed it had only happened once or twice (who books a weekend away with someone 11 months in advance when they have had a one night stand with three weeks ago??). Trust your instincts. As soon as I took control of the situation by asking him to leave, informing him of the regular contact pattern he would have with our DS (not in our home btw) and took legal advice, his story crumbled.

He has moved in with her already and now says they are in a 'committed' relationship. I know it began as early as Aug/Sept last year.

There is nothing to be gained from trying to understand his reasons right now, if you ask him to leave, give structure to the time he spends with your son (to help your DS feel secure and keep boundaries in place for you) and seek legal advice for your home... one of two things will happen:

He will be devastated and appalled and do everything in his power to apologise, make it up to you, understand his own behaviour by going to counselling etc. This may or may not be enough for you to forgive him. This is the road less travelled unfortunately.

Or he will feel terribly sorry for himself mope around a bit, try and salvage something with the OW to 'prove it was worth it' to himself, and start the painful yet inevitable process of re-writing history to make out this was all a sad and inevitable ending of a relationship that was doomed from the start. Casting you, your friends, your family, even your child in roles that played a part in ending things thus excusing him from taking responsibility in any way. This is what my H has done... and hard as it was to witness (and still is) it only makes me glad I was so firm in the beginning. I didn't waste any time hoping he would pick the first option and be a decent human being. I got to see who he really was first hand, straight away.

FWIW it's been 4 months, I'm now 33weeks pregnant, I've not keeled over and died from the stress, and I am beginning to see what my new life might look like. You can and will survive this horrible shock - keep doing what you're doing, build the support you need around you and hold your head up high.

This didn't happen because you weren't giving him enough, it happened because he wasn't giving you, or your relationship enough. Never forget that.

I was in a similar situation once (not married, no kids so much less serious). I didn't tell my "friends" partner and they stayed together for a couple more years. When he found out, as he inevitably did, he was upset and angry with me for not telling him. I couldn't exactly remember why I hadn't by then - I felt ashamed because he had the right to know and not waste more years on someone who treated him so poorly.

So yes, I think you should tell. He has the right to decide what to do with his relationship just as you do. Don't dress it up, no sordid details, just the facts - he deserves to know.