I'm not moving, even though dp thinks Iabu

[Shirtpocketpolly]

Basically I own this house and another outright thanks to an inheritance from grandparents and have enough savings for a deposit

Dp works I am currently a sahm surviving on rent from the other house child benefit and minimal tax credits and ocationally get a payout from my savings that are invested basically less than 700 a month

Dp now only works 3 days a week having had his hours cut in the last month therefore he's gone from earning 1300 +per month to around 800 he pays £15 for the inernet £10 for the pet insurance and occasionally gets a few bits of shopping no mre than 30 or so on the way home

I pay everything else , insurances electric and gas , council tax kids stuff, food etc....

He used to give me 300 a month via standing order he cut that last year when he started earning less to (last time his hours were cut) and said he would give me cash which he doesnt I have to beg and plead for even 100 off him this month I've had 60 and he can't afford anymore !! He uses his money for lunches DVDs crap basically

Now he's got the bright idea he wants a bigger house he suggests I rent this one out and use that to pay the mortgage and use my savings for a deposit It would also be in joint names which I'm not domftable about when I'm the one paying everything

Ive said until he comes home with half the deposit and proves he can pay half the bills in this house no way he thinks iabu as he wants a bigger house

I feel like shouting go out apply for better jobs , all he does with his days off is lie in bed and play play station he does no housework and no Childcare AT ALL

I would love to get a job but can't justify the Childcare costs ATM and his days off can be anytime he can be working evenings, weekends, days so there's no way of planning it in advance

Aibu saying no Im not entertaining the idea of moving?

What I would do.

Make a list of what the household income is, outgoings, and what he contributes financially to that.

Make another list of what the household tasks are - cooking, cleaning, childcare - and what he contributes to that.

Make a list of what the family emotional life is made up of - going places, making memories, eating together, helping with homework - and what he contributes to that.

Show him all the lists and say:

'You are a freeloader, in every sense. You contribute practically nothing to this family and this household. I and the children would be better off without you, and here's how:

and you show him your plan for how your life post-him will work:

less to do, as he is currently just adding extra work
no less money, as he contributes very little of his
and more planning capability, as you won't even be thinking about how to plan round him
possibly more money, as you will go to CSA (if appropriate)
and more time, because he will not be allowed comtact in your home and if he wants to see his children, he will have to take them out and have sole care of them.

Then make a fantasy list of what else you would do

• have more emotional energy to get a job
• find a new relationship with a real partner instead of a lazy bloodsucker.

Then you say - you have a choice.

If you want to stay here, you need to:

• contribute properly to household finances, permanently;
• contribute properly to the running of the house;
• be a proper part of the childrens' lives and a proper dad who cares for them practically;
• fucking grow up, eat with us, talk with us, be someone I want to be with and could even THINK of handing over half my savings to.

If you don't, you are out on your arse, because I've decided that you are not worth it anymore.

If you want to try, you change now, and we will review in six months.
I suggest you do try, because I think you too would be happier if you were to finally grow up;
but the way I feel now, if you decline my kind offer to allow you to stay, a little part of me will go 'yippee'

If that doesn't do the trick, nothing will

and you change the locks when he is next in work, take his stuff to his parents and say you'll be in contact about maintenance and childcare.

GoPoldark - a masterpiece in every sense!

While I don't think that he will ever change and you will be able to have a grown up relationship with him (you will lack adult conversation if he goes - is that the conversation he shouts to you over his shoulder while waiting for his mates on Skyrim? Or the conversation while you're giving him his dinner that he'll eat alone?) think of the freedom of interaction you will get to find RL support and new friends (I wonder what your friends think of him).

I think GPs list would be the best way to make him realise that he needs to be doing more. It would be the clearest way to evaluate the relationship now and what changes are needed. It provides means for going on or walking away.
And if doesn't open his eyes or he responds with all out gunning for you and why all of his ills are your fault (because no adult male in the world is capable of taking a little personal responsibility ) then you'll have your answer wont you.

Thanks Nic :)

OP, the real point of setting it all out like that is to scare the living crap out of him.

It's one thing to say 'I've had enough of you, you do nothing, better off on my own yada yada'... it is quite another to sit him down and show him how you have spent time working out how much better and easier it would be for you without him, and to show him your plans with a slight gleam in your eye.

Of course, your last comment should be, in a soft, gentle voice:

'I hope at least you will now see how very far away the reality of our situation is from deciding whether I buy half a house for you with my money that hasn't yet been used to sub your lifestyle. Far from buying you a new house, I'm more than considering ejecting you from this one.'

Doesn't he make you want to vomit?

What a cocklodging arsehole beyond doubt and thank God you refused to marry him! I am staggered that he does not eat with you and the children???

There is only ONE way forward, tell him to get packing and fuck off. You will be so much better off in every way.

Do not be afraid that he might have some financial claim against you. I am pretty sure he hasn't as you only live together. He will be entitled to zilch! (N.B. I am not a lawyer but you could check with just a phone call to your solicitor)

You are young, you own two houses fully paid. they will be queing at your door and you couldn't do any worse than what you have got, but take some time alone and enjoy with the children.

Get cracking, get out his suitcase and some boxes so he can pack his junk so he can cocklodge somewhere else.

Be strong and good luck.

In fact, heady romantics that we are, the only reason we got married was because of the legal rights conferred by marriage, even with kids as a co-habiting couple we were on a sticky wicket assets wise if we were to die/split. I didn't fancy being left with nothing from DHs estate (just from a practical pov) funded by me if his graspy family decided to kick me out for the house. Looking at the contracts/wills necessary it was just bloody easier.

Also what claim would he have on you? Scrutiny of your finances would surely show he has hefty unpaid debts toward you (in a purely mercinary way).

GoPoldark that's fucking awesome.

GoPoldark that's awesome.

You are my hero of the day

I love GoPoldark's list too . Seriously that's exactly how you need to spell things out to him, he has to get the message that unless he starts behaving like an adult, like a partner, and like a proper dad to the children he chose to have, you are going to have difficulty finding reasons not to kick him out - and he's certainly in no position to be demanding that you provide him with more spacious accommodation!

Make it clear that it's not just about the money and the fact he isn't earning much at the moment, but that he's not contributing in other ways either and is not behaving like part of the family at all.

I doubt he would have any claim on you if you did separate. If you're not married, your property is solely in your name, and the children stay living with you (which they undoubtedly would), I can't see how he could have a right to anything. You could get legal advice to set your mind at rest though, if it did come to that.

I am with mogzy .

Great post from GoPoldark but a complete waste of time as anyone who is prepared to conduct themselves as he does within his family is irredeemable. I suppose doing it might help you feel you were trying to make things work though OP

I spend aeons on MN and so sorry to say this OP but he sounds like one of the worst partners ever

Might he be depressed? If not, then I agree with GP.