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Original poster

I'm not moving, even though dp thinks Iabu

110 replies

Shirtpocketpolly · 15/05/2012 19:02

Basically I own this house and another outright thanks to an inheritance from grandparents and have enough savings for a deposit

Dp works I am currently a sahm surviving on rent from the other house child benefit and minimal tax credits and ocationally get a payout from my savings that are invested basically less than 700 a month

Dp now only works 3 days a week having had his hours cut in the last month therefore he's gone from earning 1300 +per month to around 800 he pays £15 for the inernet £10 for the pet insurance and occasionally gets a few bits of shopping no mre than 30 or so on the way home

I pay everything else , insurances electric and gas , council tax kids stuff, food etc....

He used to give me 300 a month via standing order he cut that last year when he started earning less to (last time his hours were cut) and said he would give me cash which he doesnt I have to beg and plead for even 100 off him this month I've had 60 and he can't afford anymore !! He uses his money for lunches DVDs crap basically

Now he's got the bright idea he wants a bigger house he suggests I rent this one out and use that to pay the mortgage and use my savings for a deposit It would also be in joint names which I'm not domftable about when I'm the one paying everything

Ive said until he comes home with half the deposit and proves he can pay half the bills in this house no way he thinks iabu as he wants a bigger house

I feel like shouting go out apply for better jobs , all he does with his days off is lie in bed and play play station he does no housework and no Childcare AT ALL

I would love to get a job but can't justify the Childcare costs ATM and his days off can be anytime he can be working evenings, weekends, days so there's no way of planning it in advance

Aibu saying no Im not entertaining the idea of moving?

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 15/05/2012 20:33

Well all I can say is, I hope that's a fucking enormous cock that he's lodging with, and one that plays tricks too.

I don't think it's going to get better, sorry. Sad

GnocchiNineDoors · 15/05/2012 20:34

Maybe sell the TV PC and PS and tell him it's because times are hard and as he's not prepared to contribute.

Eglu · 15/05/2012 20:37

He sounds absolutely awful. You can find friends to have adult conversation with. He doesn't do anything anyway. How much does he add to your life in the way of adult company anyway? Ask yourself honestly. Don't be scared to kick this freeloader to the kerb.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 20:37

That cock should be able to whistle dixie, it's got a lot to live up to

QuintessentialShadows · 15/05/2012 20:44

Why should you try to make it work, when he clearly isnt?

Surely you mean that you should try to put up with his crap, as that is what is the meaning behind "making it work" in this case.

No you should not.

You have two children under five. Fine.

You have income from ONE house, you own the other outright. You will have less outgoings with this man child in your house. You will be much better off financially, and emotionally. You will have less housework and more money if you ask him to leave. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me!

There is no reason why you should not let your children go to nursery while you get your working life back on track, and meet other adults and like minded people. With work, you will get colleagues, and this might help your feeling of lonelyness. To be honest, in your position, I'd rather take my children to nursery, meet other mums there, and find a job, and get colleagues and a life outside the home. Would do you good.

Jux · 15/05/2012 20:48

So he works 3 days a week, lives in your house, doesn't pay rent or bills, doesn't pay for food, doesn't do childcare, doesn't do much at all. Oh no, he does! He adds to the electricity bill by playing on his games console quite a lot.

Get a washing basket. Put all the crap he leaves lying around the house and shove it in there. Leave it. If he wants clean stuff then he'll have to sort it himself.

Ask a solicitor about your situation. What sort of claim might he have on you and your assets?

shewhowines · 15/05/2012 20:55

He has no financial or physical responsibility towards your children at all.

You have assumed all responsibility. You must therefore take onboard the responsibility to ensure they don't repeat the pattern that your parents and you have followed. It is your responsibility to show them how a good relationship works and that means ditching this guy.

Your children are young. The ideal time for you to make friends at toddler groups/ surestart meetings etc. Just be friendly but make sure you don't appear too needy. Show interest in others lives as well as talking about your own.

Your local surestart centre may be able to recommend someone to talk to about things and perhaps give advice.

Financially you'd be better off as you'd get more maintenance than the money he gives you - perhaps tax credits etc too.
If he can be bothered to have the children then you'd get free time too. Can't see that happening but he's not a father to them now. Just a presence in their lives.

While he is allowed to get away with it then he will continue. Indeed it is escalating with the demand for a bigger house. When will it end?

Try to renegotiate terms in you relationship. Issue ultimatums. Maybe if he realises you mean business then he'll respond. But if he doesn't then leave.
(Don't issue ultimatums unless you are prepared to carry through though)

You cannot continue as you are. Your resentment will just grow and grow and you will become even more miserable. Try to change things now and then you can know that you've given it your best shot. But do not stay if not.

foolonthehill · 15/05/2012 21:02

www.lovemoney.com/news/debt/debt/14905/why-financial-abuse-is-domestic-violence

you may find some of the links at the top of this thread enlightening also.

Don't budge and be prepared to lay it all out for him once you've decided how much you want to confront him with.

Dozer · 15/05/2012 21:07

don't marry him! Whatever you do. Hang onto those assets.

Jux · 15/05/2012 21:11

You can always tell him that if he wasn't there then the place wouldn't need to be bigger.....

QuintessentialShadows · 15/05/2012 23:42

What he is basically telling you, that the home you are providing him with, and the lifestyle of working only three days per week, is not good enough for him. Oh no, he wants more. A bigger house. Shared ownership. But he wants you to pay, not him. He wants you to effectively give him half of your inheritance.

What a catch that man is.... Sad

bogeyface · 16/05/2012 00:17

I rather suspect that this is his attempt, as Quint says, of getting his hands on your inheritance since you wont marry him.

Beckamaw · 16/05/2012 01:26

I think you need to call his bluff.

He wants a bigger house. He barely contributes financially or domestically.
He works three days per week.

Tell him you have thought about it. A bigger house would be nice but you really need more income to cover the higher bills.

Tell him you will be getting a job for the two days per week that he does not work. That will not be a problem as he can manage the kids on those days. Won't it be nice for him to have some proper time with them?

And see how he reacts!

suburbophobe · 16/05/2012 02:21

He thinks as you have two houses he effectively doesn't have to do anything, what a massive sense of entitlement.

Cocklodger indeed.

Why do you let him get away with doing absolutely sweet FA? You are setting your children a terrible example.

Oh, and that inheritance of yours belongs to you and your children! I'd make him pay rent to start with.

suburbophobe · 16/05/2012 02:22

{personally, I'd have kicked him out long ago}

Longdistance · 16/05/2012 02:40

DO NOT marry this man. He is obviously after you inheritance, and wants to put his feet well under the table. He wants half, but isn't willing to go halves on everything else. He sound manipulative, and selfish.
Have a frank word with thw cocklodger, and if he doesn't give you any money, I think you should start making plans.
You are obviously doing everything by yourself already, he sounds like a dead weight to me.

NicNocJnr · 16/05/2012 04:32

Bless you OP Sad this is really horrible.

Cut out the deadweight.

He doesn't want to contribute and thinks he's Peter Pan. Personally I'd need to see his cock on BGT doing impressions...even then I would keep it and not the useless lump on the other end.

grobagsforever · 16/05/2012 07:52

OP please think about what has been said. You are young enough to start again and find someone better.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 16/05/2012 08:01

At first I was thinking you were going to moan about him bringing in less than you and I was going to say yabu because if it was the other way round and a man was earning more than a woman... But then I realised actually if he's not contributing at all to childcare and splitting that equally with you, then no yanbu to expect him to either get a better job or commit to looking after the children so you can work, so that he is making an equal contribution to the family before you move. IMO though in a family where there is children assets and responsibilities should be shared as a family, so if you do not trust him to share your inheritance responsibly or perhaps do not see yourself being with him forever, is he really the right man for you? Just putting it out there!

SirSugar · 16/05/2012 08:03

slimey cocklodging moneygrabbing greaseball, yuk.

You have to make room in your life for decent people and he is in the way.

NorksAreMessy · 16/05/2012 08:12

Look ahead 10 years and imagine your life then.

Would you still be with him? Would he have changed into a different person? Can you see him being kind considerate and generous?

Or would he be back living with his mum whilst you get your life back, get back on the career ladder, have finances to yourself, spend the money he has cost you on a lovely cleaner, and you get a ehole double bed to yourself, and the only thing under the sofa is a lovely clean carpet?

Margerykemp · 16/05/2012 08:38

He sounds like he has an addiction to his 'screen time'. If he wants to live like a teenager tell him to move back in with his mum.

Did he want the DCs? Why does he take no interest in them?

tallwivglasses · 16/05/2012 09:23

If you're not ready to boot him out yet, how about a 'trial' seperation? I think if you had one or two good friends you'd soon find you didn't need Mr CL around. Get online and see what's going on in your area. Local festivals are a good place to start. Force him to do some childcare - out of the house so it's not just them playing and him yelling at them from in front of the screen. How about swimming, the park, soft play? - things normal dads do with their kids?

As for his dirty socks and plates - put them in his car on the driving seat.

RabidAnchovy · 16/05/2012 09:31

Really you need to start thinking of getting rid of this waster

sparkle12mar08 · 16/05/2012 10:01

If you have daughters, what would you tell them to do? Hmmm? Why do you deserve any less than taking your own advice? You ARE worth more than this, you ARE.