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Original poster

I'm not moving, even though dp thinks Iabu

110 replies

Shirtpocketpolly · 15/05/2012 19:02

Basically I own this house and another outright thanks to an inheritance from grandparents and have enough savings for a deposit

Dp works I am currently a sahm surviving on rent from the other house child benefit and minimal tax credits and ocationally get a payout from my savings that are invested basically less than 700 a month

Dp now only works 3 days a week having had his hours cut in the last month therefore he's gone from earning 1300 +per month to around 800 he pays £15 for the inernet £10 for the pet insurance and occasionally gets a few bits of shopping no mre than 30 or so on the way home

I pay everything else , insurances electric and gas , council tax kids stuff, food etc....

He used to give me 300 a month via standing order he cut that last year when he started earning less to (last time his hours were cut) and said he would give me cash which he doesnt I have to beg and plead for even 100 off him this month I've had 60 and he can't afford anymore !! He uses his money for lunches DVDs crap basically

Now he's got the bright idea he wants a bigger house he suggests I rent this one out and use that to pay the mortgage and use my savings for a deposit It would also be in joint names which I'm not domftable about when I'm the one paying everything

Ive said until he comes home with half the deposit and proves he can pay half the bills in this house no way he thinks iabu as he wants a bigger house

I feel like shouting go out apply for better jobs , all he does with his days off is lie in bed and play play station he does no housework and no Childcare AT ALL

I would love to get a job but can't justify the Childcare costs ATM and his days off can be anytime he can be working evenings, weekends, days so there's no way of planning it in advance

Aibu saying no Im not entertaining the idea of moving?

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 15/05/2012 19:33

Honey, it sounds as you might be lonelier with him than without him, but that's your call.

How many DC and what ages? Because if they're all young with small gaps, it makes me even crosser to think of your partner sitting back and watching you run ragged after the DC, without helping.

bogeyface · 15/05/2012 19:36

He pays nothing
Does nothing
Seems to give emotionally nothing
And wants more

Right, got that.....

Waiting for the punchline cos he has GOT to be joking!

GnocchiNineDoors · 15/05/2012 19:36

He sounds like a right catch Hmm I understand this has progressed and that he wasn't always this way, but seriously, he needs to buck his ideas up. Good on you for saying No to a move before he can prove he is financially stable to commit to.

I would suggest adding together ALL expenditure (his, yours and the households) dividing it in half and demand he pays his half. I would also STOP doing any of his laundry or any picking up after him. Anything he leaves lying around gets chucked into one big box.

Oh and tell him from me it IS his fault he doesn;t earn enough. He is more than capable of finding something to fill his days off with that would contribute to the household.

You say you get no lie ins, and no breaks from the kids as it is now...that wouldn't get any worse if you did decide to split. You'd actually have less stuff to do (no running around after him) and more money to spend (less food etc to be bought).

I like my own space, so it may be easier for me to say this, but in all honesty I couldn't sacrifice part of my life (the bits where I like to be on my own doing my own thing) for anyone who I didn;t respect and who didn;t show they respected me.

ThereGoesTheYear · 15/05/2012 19:36

You must feel pretty alone with him now. It's not a partnership; he's not supporting you; you can't discuss important things with him.

DPrince · 15/05/2012 19:36

At best he is taking the loss at worst it manipulating you so he can have quite a nice life its almost abuse. In fact I think it is. He is taking from you because he knows you fear being alone. He will keep taking til there is nothing left and walk, imo. I bet mil would still have the kids a few nights a year. They would be still her gcs. I think you would be happier alone. You do it all anyway, you just won't have to put up with him. What do you get out of the relationship? Apart from not being alone. I would rather be alone than have someone draining you and trying to take everything you have.

AugustMoon · 15/05/2012 19:36

Freeloader - he's looking for an easy ride

Original poster
Shirtpocketpolly · 15/05/2012 19:37

We have a joint bank account just he doesn't pay into it tax credits and child benefit go into it

I have a persnol one so does he

I suppose I was silly starting this as ianbu clearly and am being taken for a total mug :( but he's also my kids father so I'm pretty stuck

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/05/2012 19:37

Leave the bastard

ChaoticismyLife · 15/05/2012 19:37

If you don't get rid of this freeloader then how are you supposed to be free to find someone who deserves you?

He isn't worth keeping hold of for 3/4 nights a year of child free time.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/05/2012 19:38

You could ask for it to be moved to Relationships? You might get some more helpful comments than my helpful contributions

ChaoticismyLife · 15/05/2012 19:39

but he's also my kids father so I'm pretty stuck

No, you're not. You don't have to stay with him just because he's the DC's father. Think about it, what are you teaching them by staying with this waste of oxygen?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/05/2012 19:40

And you're with him because...?

GnocchiNineDoors · 15/05/2012 19:40

Nobody is saying you are a mug, you got involved with someone who is, in all honesty, taking you for a ride. You aren;t the first and you wont be the last.

Please don't feel that you are stuck. You really really arent. Financially, you would be no worse off if he didnt live with you. And, if you want to stay in a relationship, why not ask him to move out as you are beginning to resent his lack of financial support and don;t want it to be the end of you. Maybe suggest going back to more of a 'dating' thing.

Fwiw, I agree with the leave the bastard majority views but am trying to suggest ways that, should you want, you may be able to resolve this with him.

DPrince · 15/05/2012 19:40

He is making you think you are stuck. Your not. You will be no worse off, financially or emotionally, without him. You will actually be better off. Where do you think he will be without you, I am guessing somewhere along shit street. Not that you should give a crap. He clearly doesn't give a crap about his family.

GnocchiNineDoors · 15/05/2012 19:41

Yes, if your DC came to you in the future to tell you that they were going through this, what would you advise them?

cheapskatemum · 15/05/2012 19:41

YANBU and you are really not stuck, unless for some reason we're all missing, you choose to be stuck with him.

AThingInYourLife · 15/05/2012 19:41

You're not stuck.

There is no reason on earth for you to put up with being used like this by anyone.

That he is the kids' father means they have to have a relationship with him.

It doesn't mean you have to let him keep mooching off you.

bogeyface · 15/05/2012 19:41

Why are you stuck?

He will still be their father, he will still see them and (get this!!!) HE WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM! You go via the CSA and they will make him pay, so you will be happier, freer, and better off.

Whats to be stuck with?

WilsonFrickett · 15/05/2012 19:42

He's not a father to your kids. He doesn't support them, doesn't play with them, doesn't set a good example round the house of doing his share.

That's not being a father.

That's being a cocklodger.

Sorry. I am truly sorry. But I don't see what you or your kids are getting out of this relationship.

QuickLookBusy · 15/05/2012 19:42

I think you should ask MNHQ to move this thread to relationships shirt.

Original poster
Shirtpocketpolly · 15/05/2012 19:43

2 kids under 5

I've tried the not picking up after him thing the house looks horrible within a few hours and I crack with in 2 days I can't stand living in a dirty mess let alone having my kids live in one

I can't actully see how access would work I think he would just give them to his mother (who can be selfish in her own right , cutting dc hair dramatically for the first time without asking, letting her then 14 yr old sd take then 2 yr old to town for the day, lying in bed and sticking 3 yr old infornt of tv)

If I tell him to get up from hid lie ins he gets in a huff and if I challenge him he bring it round to me having changed etc...

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 15/05/2012 19:43

He seems to act more like their 17 y/old brother if they had one

Ephiny · 15/05/2012 19:45

Someone already said 'what's the point of him' - and that was my first thought on reading the thread! He sounds very lazy, selfish and immature. Yes it can be difficult to find and keep a job at the moment especially, but even if he can't provide much financially he could contribute to the family and the household in other ways, i.e. by pulling his weight with the housework and childcare rather than lounging around in bed playing computer games like a teenager. He's a grown man and a father, and he needs to start acting like one!

I'm not going to say 'leave him' (though tbh I might if you didn't have children together!), because it's never a good thing to break up a family, but I would definitely not go ahead with his idea for the bigger house - and make it very clear to him why, and what needs to change.

DPrince · 15/05/2012 19:46

Surely your mil isn't that bad or you wouldn't let he have them? Are you saying you are with him as you don't trust him to have them on his own if you did split?

Krumbum · 15/05/2012 19:47

If he isn't going to actually be spending time with them and just palming them off to his mother then he doesn't need access. They are better off without someone so selfish in their lives.