I'm not moving, even though dp thinks Iabu

[Shirtpocketpolly]

Basically I own this house and another outright thanks to an inheritance from grandparents and have enough savings for a deposit

Dp works I am currently a sahm surviving on rent from the other house child benefit and minimal tax credits and ocationally get a payout from my savings that are invested basically less than 700 a month

Dp now only works 3 days a week having had his hours cut in the last month therefore he's gone from earning 1300 +per month to around 800 he pays £15 for the inernet £10 for the pet insurance and occasionally gets a few bits of shopping no mre than 30 or so on the way home

I pay everything else , insurances electric and gas , council tax kids stuff, food etc....

He used to give me 300 a month via standing order he cut that last year when he started earning less to (last time his hours were cut) and said he would give me cash which he doesnt I have to beg and plead for even 100 off him this month I've had 60 and he can't afford anymore !! He uses his money for lunches DVDs crap basically

Now he's got the bright idea he wants a bigger house he suggests I rent this one out and use that to pay the mortgage and use my savings for a deposit It would also be in joint names which I'm not domftable about when I'm the one paying everything

Ive said until he comes home with half the deposit and proves he can pay half the bills in this house no way he thinks iabu as he wants a bigger house

I feel like shouting go out apply for better jobs , all he does with his days off is lie in bed and play play station he does no housework and no Childcare AT ALL

I would love to get a job but can't justify the Childcare costs ATM and his days off can be anytime he can be working evenings, weekends, days so there's no way of planning it in advance

Aibu saying no Im not entertaining the idea of moving?

So his outgoings are £55 plus whatever he gives you (max £100)?
His income is £800

You pay the rest and have no spending money of your own.

You do all the housework, childcare and never get a lie in or a break.

You have capital in your houses that you could release to provide an income to support yourself if need be.

Please tell me why you stay with him?

Fear of being alone is not a good enough reason.

You need to seriously talk and agree equal spending money for both of you.
Do not even consider a bigger house.

If in the unlikely scenario he does start pulling his weight both physically and financially (long term) then you can renegotiate. But he needs to put his money where his mouth for a few years first. - anyone can change for a few short months till they get what they want.

I can't see a happy ending.

Do not let him control you. Set a good relationship role model for your DC. It's not good now

Oh and FFS say "No" if he ever proposes, atleast at the moment, whats yours is yours!

ephiney I agree that if he is not put earning he should be pulling his weight a home. I don't agree that it is never a good idea to split a family up. The op seemsiserable and has a p (can't bring myself to call him her dp) who is only there because she pays for everything. That's not good for the kids or the family.

You need to sit down and think long and hard about your relationship OP, what does he bring to the relationship for you?.

when was the last time he done something nice for you.?
does he show you love and show you respect?
can you see a future with him?

personally until he can provide for himself, I would not be putting any assets you have in joint names, this atm, is a relationship, and not a marriage, you really need to work out what YOU want from this relationship.

I have left the children out of the above, for a reason, as the relationship with him, should be entirely different to the relationship he should have with the children.

Does he care for the children, does he give you a break, does he put his games station over the children, when was the last time you had a lie in, etc....

I think you would find, once you have got rid of him, and have more time to yourself rather than clearing up and doing all his stuff, you will be able to make new friends.

Your kids are unfortunately stuck with a shit father, but it doesnt mean you have to be stuck with him.

OP, is this relationship really better than no relationship ?

What the fuck happened to you, to make you think this is a decent proposition ?

Last time I had a lie in ohhh about 5 yrs ago

Don't get me wrong he can be kind , nice, good company this just hangs over us

I suppose if I had a nice supportive family/freinds to turn to I'd walk away until he changed/forever but I don't I would literally have no adult tp talk to ever

I refuse to marry him already due to all this btw

I dint think he means to be controlling I think he's just to injuries to understand this all

You wont marry him
You wont commit to him financially
Yet you are willing to sacrifice any future happiness for him?

The other thing I consider when looking at families breaking up is the future happiness of the DCs. Do you want any DS of yours to treat his partners this way? Do you want any DDs to be treated this way? Because they will repeat all this if they see it.

Immature not injuries!

gnocci is right. Why would you do that? He knows you're lonely he knows he can get away with treating you like crap because of it. I think he does mean to be controlling. He knows you feel stuck. He is selfish and doesn't really care if you are unhappy. As long as he has a fairly comfortable life. He is a scrounger.

Sorry no I didn't mean it's never a good idea to split up a family - obviously it goes without saying when there's violence or abuse, and even in non-dangerous situations it can get to the point where everyone is so unhappy there's not really any other choice.

I meant really I didn't want to rush into saying 'leave him!' in this case because I think it's worth at least trying to work things out for the sake of the children and family stability if nothing else. Maybe this house business is an opportunity to make a stand, make him realise things absolutely have to change?

I agree this relationship is not a particularly healthy model for the DCs to be growing up around. He really should be ashamed of the way he's behaving

How old is he, OP, just out of interest?

I definitely agree with ephinys last post.:)

I have a son currently at home who has no income at all bar basic rate jobseeker's, and he still gives me more per month than the "D"P above. He does the cooking most evenings, his own laundry and a share of the chores. And I really AM his mother. When you aren't... why do this to yourself?

All that bugger has to contribute is sperm. Oh, and he talks to you nicely sometimes. Big deal. I had a parrot that did that.

He's 28

So how would you approach it assuming I try and make it work before anything else

What is fair in terms of split of money, housework etc... I really don't know what's fair

I'm ashamed to say my father was controlling to my mother she did everything (well she didn't the house was always a mess which is why I can't see mine being that way) gave her spending money he sorted bills etc...

Split all costs in half
Split all childcare in half on the days he is off and you do daytimes on the days he is at work
He tidies up after himself and cooks dinner at least 2/3 times a week
He does half the laundry
Half the dishes and general cleaning

What would be fair would be he paid half of the bills, did half the childcare when he was at home and did slightly less than half the housework.

He'd still be getting a cushy deal because he wouldn't have to pay rent.

Oh god this isn't going to work

He already eats meals by himself instead of with us as he'll only eat ready meals not proper food me and the kids eat

He cant cope with the kids for longer then ten mins

He put of tasks in a minute, in a minute then never does them

Really can't see how thatll change

HE wont change. Im aghast to think that you think he will.

Honestly, get rid. let him be somebody else's problem.

Can't, or won't, cope with the kids? Why does he get that choice? What would happen if you decided you 'couldn't cope' with looking after your own children?

Seriously unless there is some proper reason (e.g. medical)why he can't, that really is just not on. He is their father, and looking after them is just as much his responsibility as yours, and he should be equally involved when he's not at work! Don't ask him to do this, simply inform him that you will be going out/having a lie in/whatever and that the kids tea/bedtime/breakfast/laundry etc are his responsibility at those times.

Op only you decide if you want a better partner. You don't think he will change. Ffs he doesn't even eat with you. He sounds like a teenager. What future do you want for yourself and your children. Your dad was controlling and you ended up in the same position. Do you want your dcs in this type of relationship when they grow up?

I can tell you one thing for sure, your children deserve a better father :(

No medical reason he just gets narky that he can't play pc/Playstation/tv

I just don't think I'm in the place yet where I can go it's over :(